When to give up on a friend?

Sometimes friendships have a natural life span, and end no matter how close you were with the other person. My best friend from high school were very close, and she was the sister I never had. We stayed close through college, and actually got permission from her professors to come home for a week after my mom died, to be with me. We had been through a lot of ups and downs, and I thought it would last forever.

When I was in grad school, I developed depression. She had planned to visit, and I called to tell her that it wasn't a good time. She got upset and hung up on me. I wrote her a letter, explaining why I did what I did, and how hard depression was hitting me. I called her and read it to her, and all she could say is "Do you think you are the only one who has problems?" Not what I needed to hear. I didn't speak to her for close to two years.

We got back in touch, and were tentatively working on rebuilding our relationship. That's when I realized she wasn't the same person who had been my best friend and sister in high school, and neither was I. She was also doing some things that I could not agree with, like having a relationship with a man who was getting married (and having sex with him on the day of the wedding). I realized it was time to let our friendship go.

It hurt, and I still grieve over it. She did a lot of wonderful things for me, but that was the person I knew 15 years ago. I still think about her, and wish her the best, but I am happy that it is over.

Wow, Laurie, what a tough situation to be in. I have to agree with what others said, though. You need to report the situation to the authorities, anonymously. It is a proven fact that people who are abused as children have a very high rate of doing the same thing to their children unless serious intervention and counceling has taken place. It doesn't sound like she has dealth with the severity of the situation of what happened to her as a child, especially if she did some of those things "willingly." Yipes.

I wanted to thank everyone for their responses. It was nice to hear that I wasn't completely nuts in my thinking. Funny thing is, though, I was wrong. She called me yesterday afternoon and the first thing she said was "I'm such a bad person for not returning any calls." They have been busy with the girls and she was really sick last weekend, so it wasn't me at all. We went out to the club last night and had a really good time. Actually, they hadn't been out since the last time I saw them either. So all is good with my friend, I was just freaking out.

Nice to hear, Heidi. I am always the fan of the happy ending.

Heidi, I'm so glad to hear all is well with you and your friend and that it was just a false alarm! That's great!!

Oh Heidi, what great news! I'm so glad to hear all's well. Between your moving, etc. and apparently them being busy, well, things like that do happen. I'm a fan of happy endings too!

...but Heidi, if you hadn't "freaked out," I wouldn't have had the chance to unburden myself with that one. I've been praying about this problem for some time. And since writing about it, I've really gotten some perspective. It's amazing how much it helps to get it out. I totally believe everything happens for a reason, and your "false alarm" is going to help this boy and my former friend.

I am going to report the problem. I am also going to return her call, and tell her what I'm doing and why. Christy, you're right. Friendships sometime do come to a natural end. We'd been growing apart in our tastes and interests for years. And then that. And bear in mind, all of our conversations about her problems in the past were in the context of her "healing." Well, you all are right. History has a way of repeating itself despite our intent. It's amazing how we can lie to ourselves, and not see what we don't want to, and see what we want to.

Thank you all for your help and your support. I know I'm making the right decision.

Thank you. It was really hard to get that out, and you've all made my burden that much lighter.

Laurie

Laurie, I know it can't be an easy decision for you, but I am glad you are notifying the proper authorities. It sounds like your friend desperately needs help, and her son, too. At least you can prevent the cycle from continuing any longer, and that has to give you a good feeling. You know all of us are hear to listen if you need to unburden further about the situation.

Again, thanks all. I will keep you posted.

I'm glad you decided to report it, too. I'm sure it won't be easy to tell your friend that you are reporting her, and I'm sure you are ready for some horrible words to come from her. No matter what, if your actions can break the cycle of abuse you have to do it. Good luck, and you have our support whatever comes of it.

Let us know how it goes Laurie!

Well - Heidi had a "false alarm." In a way, so did I!! Thank you all for your advice, and for the PMs, too. I had decided to contact my friend first, then see if I should contact (her) local authorities anonymously or not. There were great arguments both ways.

I decided to contact her first by e-mail (she left it in her voice message. We've never communicated this way before). It turns out her son was in a foster home for some time. He's back home with her now, and they're both in therapy. She IS still at that same address, but the landlord constructed a wall in the Dining room, which created a separate bedroom for her son.

I was hesitant to believe her at first. But I've spent so much time with her family over the years, I called her parents to say "Hi" and see how they were doing. It was easy to mention to her Dad (the good guy - it was Mom that was a problem) "in passing" that I was sorry to hear about the "troubles." We chatted about that for a while. I felt a bit guilty about checking up on her, but greatly relieved that she wasn't lying. And since she encouraged me to call her parents ("Of course you should call to say "hi." They ALWAYS ask about you..."), it isn't a conversation that will get back to her in any negative kind of way.

She was so sorry. And she thanked me for being the first one to confront her with this problem back then.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with our "friendship." We've really grown apart, apart from the fact that we live no where near each other.

But all that worrying - I was just SO RELIEVED. But I really needed your help just to get things going. Thank you all so much. She and I may just become e-mail pals. It's hard to have that much history together and not care, whether or not you're into the same things any more or not.

:tounge2:

Laurie, I'm so glad she and her son are getting help. I'm also happy for you that you didn't have to be the "bad guy" by reporting her to the authorities. Perhaps you can still have a good friend, even if just via email.

It is good to have a happy ending to your situation too.

I'm so glad to hear that she and her son are in therapy!! It sounds like they will get the help they need after all!!! I am glad to hear this worked out okay!!!!!