or Connect
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › When to give up on a friend?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

When to give up on a friend?

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
I'm at a bit of a quandry. I don't have too many real good friends, and especially not many here that I can do stuff with. I've always been like that, I don't make friends real easily.

Anyway, I feel like I'm getting the big blow off from one of my friends. We used to do stuff with her and her hubby almost every weekend, go over to their place (they have kids so it was easier) and watch movies, hang out, etc. Then Earl started DJing on Saturday nights, and it got cut to maybe once a month that they would go to the club and hang out. Then we were getting ready to move, so I was packing every weekend, then moving (they said they had plans for that weekend and couldn't help us move, which is fine), which took 2 weeks. Basically, I don't think I've seen them since mid-July.

So after we got all moved, I called to see if they wanted to do something. I've called a couple weeks in a row, and I haven't even gotten a return call to say "maybe some other time."

Am I being paranoid, or am I getting brushed off? I don't want to keep calling if she doesn't want to talk to me...but I don't want to throw away a good friend, either. HELP!
post #2 of 32
I don't know what to say. It is a difficult situation to be in. I had one of my best friends do the same to me, except she believed a lie told about me by a 3rd party who was being jealous of the time she was spending with me (and yes these ladies were in their 30s). While my friend was pregnant, she asked me to be godmother and this other lady wanted to be. within a few month's I had to take from calling from a pay phone as she wouldn't answer or get her 4 year old to answer when she saw my number on call display. She never ended up telling me I wasn't godmother anymore and when I arrived at the christening I found out the other lady was the godmother. I did guess, but she could have told me. I was very hurt. i don't know why she would believe some one else over me (I knew her alot longer). All I can say is if you value this friendship, make a point to drop by on a Saturday just to chat. Send a card with a message of thanks for being my friend. When i see my friend now it is akward and uncomfortable. It is very hard to lose a friend, especially when it seemed I could do nothing to stop it. The saddest thing is her hubby was my hubby's best friend since high school and now they rarely talk, not because they don't want to but because she is very domineering and won't allow it!

Sorry for the lenghty response!
post #3 of 32
I don't have that many close friends either and I don't make friends that easy either. I have two real good friends that I keep in touch with constantly, but they don't even live in the same area that I do. One of them lives about four hours away so it is quite hard for us to get together but we do every now and then. The other lives about an hour away and we see each other quite a bit and we talk on the phone every day. We have been friends since we were five years old.

A real good friend of mine blew me off several times about a year ago. We were very close. I kept calling her to make plans for us to get together and we finally set a date. Well the time came and she never showed up. I drove an hour to meet her and she never bothered to call me to let me know anything. I called for about a week after and she would not return my calls. This was not the first time she did this, it was about the third. Well, I gave up on the friendship and then about a month ago she called me. She wanted me to go out with her. I couldn't believe that she even called. Well needless to say I didn't go out with her. We don't talk anymore.

I think that a friendship should not be one sided, which was the case for me. I hope that this helps. Depending on the type of person your friend is maybe you should confront her on the blow off. I gave my friend several chances because I did not want to loose our friendship. Good Luck
post #4 of 32
I have two girlfriends that I'm real close to, and neither live anywhere near me, so we are friends by phone, and sometimes on vacations we see each other. Never been a hanging out kind of person. So I have to say, if you were close, it's worth asking them/her the question you asked us. I agree with Nicki. It hurts when your friends decide they're not anymore. But if you were close, then if you decide to find out what's going on, you have to ask.

It could turn out to be a simple explanation that comes with an apology, but, sorry to say, given recent behavior, you have to prepare yourself for the pain.

Chin up. Sending hugs.

post #5 of 32
Heidi, I agree. Make arrangements to meet her and ask her what the problem is. There has to be one, so don't let her say, "Oh, we've been so busy...." That's not helpful. I would tell her you know you must have offended her in some way, and you'd appreciated knowing what you did. If she just won't answer, and things don't go back to normal, she didn't really care much, did she? I think she's a bit peeved because you were busy. That's petty, but perhaps her feelings are hurt. You could tell her how much you would have preferred spending time with her rather than working all day, all evening, and all weekends until the new place was presentable. If she doesn't respond to you after you've made the effort, tell her how sorry you are that a friendship you valued seems to be gone, but don't keep asking. Let her make the next move.

It took years for me to find out why my sister-in-law started treating me badly. I had teased her about some trips I had to make to Pittsburgh. She used to drive me there for my doctor's visits when I was younger, and we had a ball, remarking about good looking guys in the next car, etc. So, when I had to go again I said, "Well, do you want to drive down with me or stay home and baby sit?" It was meant to be a joke, but it ruined our relationship. She let me know at the time that she didn't like the question, and I told her I was just kidding. My husband was taking me and the kids were going along. It was my brother who finally told me what was wrong-10 years later. She thought it was an ultimatum, and never treated me well after that. In fact she went out of her way to be sarcastic. She married my brother when I was four, and I had loved her like a sister. I would never have given her an ultimatum. By the time I found out, the relationship was over.
post #6 of 32
Heidi, that's really a tough one for me. I have never had many close friends, especially female. I have always had more male friends. Very recently, I had a best friend of 8 years betray me in the worst possible way, and I have since practically given up on people. I mean this girl and I were TIGHT...for 8 years! I trusted her with my life and she stabbed me in the back and damn near ruined my life.

I have since decided not to get that close to friends again. Way too painful. So now another friend I have is upset that I am not as tight with her as I was with the ex-friend...and she is always knit-picking about how much time we do or do not spend doing things together, to the point that I do less and less with her just because she always throws it up in my face...<sigh>

I am of the mind that if I call someone twice and they don't return the call...their loss. I am not saying that's what you should do...I am saying that is how I feel.

If you feel in your heart that this person is worth the effort, then don't call, go over to her house and have a talk with her and see if you can't straighten things out.

Good luck with whatever you decide...
post #7 of 32

I agree that it's a tough call. You would hate to overreact, but at the same time, you have that funny feeling.....

I won't go into long details, but I have also recently come to a parting of the ways with a best friend. It took me a long time to realize that this person wasn't the friend I attributed him to be, which leads me in turn to realize that he isn't the person I thought he was. I think that's the hardest part: coming to grips with the fact that your character judgement in this case was flawed.

Good luck to you.
post #8 of 32
Heidi - I am so very sorry. It hurts, and that is that!

Friendship is a two way street. Tell her and if she does not come around, just remember that 'you bought her cheap' (as my mom would have said! )
post #9 of 32
Heidi, I know how you feel. It is hard to decide what to do in a situation like that. I had a similar thing happen awhile back. A very good friend of mine and her husband used to get together with us from time to time, and she and I were very close. Then suddenly it seemed like she didn't want much to do with me anymore. I felt so sad, and I would call her and leave messages and not hear anything from her. I didn't know what I had done wrong. I also had that funny feeling that something was wrong. I was so bothered by this that I was having trouble sleeping. But when I would see her I would just talk to her and be friendly and try to act like nothing was wrong. I just basically "backed off" of the friendship and gave her some space.
This went on for awhile. I just didn't feel the closeness with her anymore, and I felt so bad, because I really thought alot of her.
But then, just as suddenly as it had happened, she started calling me again, and seemed like she really didn't have any problem with me at all!!!! I still don't know what if anything I did, but I am just so happy that the friendship didn't end, and that she and I are still very good friends, because she is truely a wonderful person.
I think sometimes things go on in people's lives that really have nothing to do with us, but we may not understand that at the time...in other words, your friend may be having some problems of her own to deal with, and just isn't in the mood to be "friendly" with anyone right now, and maybe if you just let it be, but yet let her know you are still there for her if she ever wants to talk or get together, and every once in awhile send her a nice e-mail, or call and say you just wanted to say "hi" But don't force it...give her some space...and then if she really is a true friend, she will want to start spending time with you and talking to you again.
I hope this helps some.
post #10 of 32
Geez, I'm on the other side of this situation right now! I was very close to a girl... and to put it very vaguely, stuff happened. I just don't even want to deal with her any more. I wanted to tell her why, but I didn't want to tell her over the phone. So when she called, I didn't answer. Finally, tonight, she needed help moving, so I said I would help her. While we were moving her things, I told her exactly what was going on. She understands why I'm mad and hurt, and knows she really screwed up. Whether we pick up our friendship again or not remains to be seen.

It's really funny because I have no friends either. Not counting this girl, I have 1 friend in my area. I just would prefer to have ONE friend I can trust and rely on than 100 that I can't.

The point, I suppose, is that maybe this friend of yours is waiting for the right time to talk to you face to face.

I hope everything works out for you. (And if not, come visit my side of the mountain. We'll go have dinner and drinks or something!)
post #11 of 32
I wish we all lived closer. There are so many people here saying they don't have a whole lot of friends where they live, and every single one of you seems like someone I would love to spend time with, go shopping, go for lunch, or just talk to on the phone. It's really too bad we aren't closer. It's great being friends online, and it means alot, but it is nice to be able to see someone in person and go out and do things together once in awhile.
post #12 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all your replies. It's nice to know this happens to a lot of people, not just me. I know that my friend is very, very easily offended by seemingly nothing. She was mad at another friend of ours for a perceived snub, even though it was really nothing. I would love to stop by, but with two girls with very busy schedules (girl scouts, soccer, swimming, gymnastics, etc.) it's tough to know when she will be home.

I'm thinking I will let it go this weekend, and email her on Monday (I don't have email right now at home) and see if I can find out what is going on. She may be busy, and unlike me she has other friends from her work that she has probably been doing stuff with. I can't blame her for doing stuff with other people, especially since we pretty much monopolized their weekends for quite a while.

Debby, I completely agree with you, too. I really wish we all lived closer together. I would love to hang out with all of you guys! And Jin, be careful what you offer, I may just have to take you up on that dinner and drinks. (And always feel free to let me know if you are on this side of the mountains...we can get together here, too. )
post #13 of 32
I think it your friend's loss, valan. Sorry to hear that they are giving you the brush off, which is what it sounds like. If she isn't returning your phone calls, I would email her & ask her what is going on.

I only really have one friend from high school. After 2 years of not seeing each other, last month we met for dinner & went to the mall, which was fun. We have conflicting schedules, which is why we never had the chance to meet with each other. She also lives about 45 minutes away from me, too, which makes it kind of hard.

Like some, I don't make friends that easy either ...... I am 25, and I have found it's hard to make friends @ that age. Usually, everyone has established their friendships & seem to not want a new person.
post #14 of 32
Isn't it a shame that no matter what your character and personality are, if you're not in the "in" clique, no one will judge you on merit? It's true of every group, isn't it? We're lucky if we've found one true friend in this world. Hang in there, Tigger! It hurts, but they're not worth losing sleep over. You'll find a true friend!
post #15 of 32
I'm glad to have the friend that I do have because she is there for me Plus, I got hubby, who's my best friend in the whole wide world
post #16 of 32
Can you stand another friend story?

I lived in Michigan for a few years. While there, I became friends with a coworker. We were on the phone all the time, and tried to get together whenever we could.

In 1997, Dan and I returned to Pennsylvania. I kept in touch with my friend in Michigan. She came to Pennsylvania to visit the following summer, and I went to see her for an extended weekend the next year.

She got married in May of 2001. I was her maid of honor. Dan and I flew to Michigan. Because their wedding plans changed, we didn't wear the bridesmaid dresses (which weren't done anyway) My friend wrote me a check to reimburse me for the money I had sent to her.

Here is where the problems began. The check bounced. I called and told her, she said money was tight, but she'd get it to me when she could. A month later, she said she'd sent a money order, which I never got. Then she said she would transfer money through PayPal. She never did.

By this time, I figured the money wasn't important, but our friendship was. I wrote to her, including pictures from her wedding that Dan took, and said to forget the money, it wasn't important.

I haven't talked to her since. She occasionally emails pictures of her son, and sent me her new email address. When I emailed her to congratulate her on buying a house, she never replied.

My fiance thinks it's her husband's fault. He is a strange guy. They got into a big fight the day after their wedding, and he told Dan he was going to start going out and doing what he pleased. In generel, he acted like a big baby.

It makes me sad, because I don't have a huge crowd of female friends either. Oh well, maybe she'll call me some day.
post #17 of 32
Brenda, I'll bet you that somewhere in this picture is a guilty conscience. She won't feel right about herself until she pays you for that bad check, no matter what you told her. It just wasn't right, and she knows it.
post #18 of 32
O.K. people, are you up to this challenge?

Heidi - don't mean to "steal your thunder" so to speak. And do please let us know what happens? But as long as others are sharing, now I HAVE to ask.

I'm the bad person in this one. I'm the one not responding. Here's why (using fake name of friend).

We met in college in 1981. We were friendly, not great friends. Our college was very different. You spend 3 months on campus, the rest of the year in an internship you develop with an Advisor, then regroup in May. The rest of the years you spend at overseas branches. It was a VERY small school - there were only maybe 40 students in the college's Freshman year class. Seven of us graduated from this same college (most transfer to another one along the way).

We became good friends during the May part of the program. Second year she went to Denmark, I went to Costa Rica. We wrote each other. That's when we started to become close - through letters.

Then I took a year off to work. She went to New Orleans. For my third year of school, I wanted to go to the Indian Center. She did too. She left early and went back to Denmark. I flew to Germany, she met me there, we travelled to Denmark, then India via Pakistan (1984). We became best friends in 1984/1985. We are so close, she tells me about being sexually abused by her mother. About having sex with her brother (they shared a room growing up), and other sick stuff that happened to her and that she did by choice.

A couple years later, after we'd both graduated, we both settled down in NY. I was married already. My husband at the time enrolled in the same college. He went off to India while I stayed in NY to work. Friend and I were room-mates while this happened. We became even closer. He came back, she went to, at the time, Czecheslovakia. She fell in love, the two of them came back to the States. The four of us shared an apartment for about a month while they found another place to live.

She was in Brooklyn, we were in Queens. We rarely saw each other because of schedules, but we talked a lot on the phone.

Etc. They moved to Czecheslovakia after a while. She was pregnant. I flew there on vacation to be with her while she had the baby.

Years later, she is divorced with custody - actually, with a good relationship with the baby's dad. I am separated. We have stayed very close friends through all of it and travel frequently to see each other. Along comes hubby. My soulmate. No way around it - I share "her and my stuff" with him, but not all of "his and my stuff" with her anymore. I no longer visit her by myself, but come with hubby. She now has a kid, I now have a husband I actually like. We discuss these issues and remain friends. She is very jealous of hubby. I would have been too if the situation were reversed. Oh - she's bisexual and would've been into having me as her...significant other. So hubby, of course, at first, is jealous of her. But she and I never "explored" that avenue. She approached, I declined, and we remained friends through it.

She lives in PA near Philly, I travel the country in an R.V. When we fly to Philly for business, we always rent a car to drive out to see her and her son. This goes on for four years. Now we're up to 1997. Her son is six.

Hubby and I aren't going to Philly. We will be in Jersey. We pay for her and her son to come out to the resort, and we pay for their room during the stay. She and her son are all over each other. They kiss on the lips. She refers to him as her "little husband." They just moved into a new apartment - it doesn't have two bedrooms, so she's set up some sort of thing in the dining room for the kid, but it doesn' matter because "he usually sleeps with [her.]"

I make hubby babysit while I spend time with my friend. I ask if she knows what she's doing - is she repeating history? She denies it. I don't believe it.

What do I do? I stop returning her phonecalls. It's too creepy. I feel like I can't report it to authorities because I don't know it's happening, but.... I don't know what's best for the child. I really don't. They still live in that apartment that has no bedroom for the child, who would now be 11. I already asked her to seek help - five years ago. What do I do now? We "drifted apart" after that, and haven't been in touch since 1998. I stopped calling. She stopped calling. Then earlier this summer she left a message on our cellphone. I haven't returned it. She was in the Czech Republic for the summer, and got back a couple of weeks ago. She left another message two weeks ago. "I REALLY WANT TO SPEAK TO MY FRIEND LAURIE. PLEASE GIVE HER THE MESSAGE." Like my husband is the only one who uses the phone and he's preventing me from speaking to her or something. NOT SO.

???????????????? I honestly don't know what to do. I thought this was "dealt with" four/five years ago! ????????????????
post #19 of 32
Laurie, I don't want to be unkind, but I think friendship is not the question. I believe the question is child abuse. There is a question in my mind, a big question. As a teacher I was obligated to report suspected child abuse. It's a terrible thing to do to an innocent person; however, when a child's mental health and self-esteem are at stake, and you are reasonably sure, I believe it's your duty to report it. You are a lovely person, and woudn't want to hurt anyone. I know that. I believe there should be an investigation in this case. Many cases are declared to be unsubstantiated; I hope this is the case. If not, you may have saved a child from a miserable adulthood. Please pray about this.
post #20 of 32
Laurie...I don't know quite what to say.....it would be hard to know what to do since you have no actual proof that she is abusing her son...but it is NOT normal for her to refer to her 11 year old son as her "little husband" or to be sleeping in the same bed with him!!!!! I am not sure what I would do in this situation...but this child may really need your help!!!! Pray about this and talk to your husband, you have a huge decision to make on what to do about this. I wish I was more help. Your friend sounds very unstable, and abuse does sometimes have a way of repeating itself. Please keep us posted on this!!! I guess if it was me, I would report it anonymously and then if the investigation leads to nothing, then okay...noone will know you are the one who reported it, but if they find this child IS being abused, you will know you did the right thing by reporting it!!!
post #21 of 32
Sometimes friendships have a natural life span, and end no matter how close you were with the other person. My best friend from high school were very close, and she was the sister I never had. We stayed close through college, and actually got permission from her professors to come home for a week after my mom died, to be with me. We had been through a lot of ups and downs, and I thought it would last forever.

When I was in grad school, I developed depression. She had planned to visit, and I called to tell her that it wasn't a good time. She got upset and hung up on me. I wrote her a letter, explaining why I did what I did, and how hard depression was hitting me. I called her and read it to her, and all she could say is "Do you think you are the only one who has problems?" Not what I needed to hear. I didn't speak to her for close to two years.

We got back in touch, and were tentatively working on rebuilding our relationship. That's when I realized she wasn't the same person who had been my best friend and sister in high school, and neither was I. She was also doing some things that I could not agree with, like having a relationship with a man who was getting married (and having sex with him on the day of the wedding). I realized it was time to let our friendship go.

It hurt, and I still grieve over it. She did a lot of wonderful things for me, but that was the person I knew 15 years ago. I still think about her, and wish her the best, but I am happy that it is over.
post #22 of 32
Thread Starter 
Wow, Laurie, what a tough situation to be in. I have to agree with what others said, though. You need to report the situation to the authorities, anonymously. It is a proven fact that people who are abused as children have a very high rate of doing the same thing to their children unless serious intervention and counceling has taken place. It doesn't sound like she has dealth with the severity of the situation of what happened to her as a child, especially if she did some of those things "willingly." Yipes.

I wanted to thank everyone for their responses. It was nice to hear that I wasn't completely nuts in my thinking. Funny thing is, though, I was wrong. She called me yesterday afternoon and the first thing she said was "I'm such a bad person for not returning any calls." They have been busy with the girls and she was really sick last weekend, so it wasn't me at all. We went out to the club last night and had a really good time. Actually, they hadn't been out since the last time I saw them either. So all is good with my friend, I was just freaking out.
post #23 of 32
Nice to hear, Heidi. I am always the fan of the happy ending.
post #24 of 32
Heidi, I'm so glad to hear all is well with you and your friend and that it was just a false alarm! That's great!!
post #25 of 32
Oh Heidi, what great news! I'm so glad to hear all's well. Between your moving, etc. and apparently them being busy, well, things like that do happen. I'm a fan of happy endings too!

...but Heidi, if you hadn't "freaked out," I wouldn't have had the chance to unburden myself with that one. I've been praying about this problem for some time. And since writing about it, I've really gotten some perspective. It's amazing how much it helps to get it out. I totally believe everything happens for a reason, and your "false alarm" is going to help this boy and my former friend.

I am going to report the problem. I am also going to return her call, and tell her what I'm doing and why. Christy, you're right. Friendships sometime do come to a natural end. We'd been growing apart in our tastes and interests for years. And then that. And bear in mind, all of our conversations about her problems in the past were in the context of her "healing." Well, you all are right. History has a way of repeating itself despite our intent. It's amazing how we can lie to ourselves, and not see what we don't want to, and see what we want to.

Thank you all for your help and your support. I know I'm making the right decision.

Thank you. It was really hard to get that out, and you've all made my burden that much lighter.

post #26 of 32
Laurie, I know it can't be an easy decision for you, but I am glad you are notifying the proper authorities. It sounds like your friend desperately needs help, and her son, too. At least you can prevent the cycle from continuing any longer, and that has to give you a good feeling. You know all of us are hear to listen if you need to unburden further about the situation.
post #27 of 32
Again, thanks all. I will keep you posted.
post #28 of 32
Thread Starter 
I'm glad you decided to report it, too. I'm sure it won't be easy to tell your friend that you are reporting her, and I'm sure you are ready for some horrible words to come from her. No matter what, if your actions can break the cycle of abuse you have to do it. Good luck, and you have our support whatever comes of it.
post #29 of 32
Let us know how it goes Laurie!
post #30 of 32
Well - Heidi had a "false alarm." In a way, so did I!! Thank you all for your advice, and for the PMs, too. I had decided to contact my friend first, then see if I should contact (her) local authorities anonymously or not. There were great arguments both ways.

I decided to contact her first by e-mail (she left it in her voice message. We've never communicated this way before). It turns out her son was in a foster home for some time. He's back home with her now, and they're both in therapy. She IS still at that same address, but the landlord constructed a wall in the Dining room, which created a separate bedroom for her son.

I was hesitant to believe her at first. But I've spent so much time with her family over the years, I called her parents to say "Hi" and see how they were doing. It was easy to mention to her Dad (the good guy - it was Mom that was a problem) "in passing" that I was sorry to hear about the "troubles." We chatted about that for a while. I felt a bit guilty about checking up on her, but greatly relieved that she wasn't lying. And since she encouraged me to call her parents ("Of course you should call to say "hi." They ALWAYS ask about you..."), it isn't a conversation that will get back to her in any negative kind of way.

She was so sorry. And she thanked me for being the first one to confront her with this problem back then.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with our "friendship." We've really grown apart, apart from the fact that we live no where near each other.

But all that worrying - I was just SO RELIEVED. But I really needed your help just to get things going. Thank you all so much. She and I may just become e-mail pals. It's hard to have that much history together and not care, whether or not you're into the same things any more or not.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › When to give up on a friend?