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Those of you without kids who want them- would you consider becomming a single parent

post #1 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:00pm
Thread Starter 
I have wondered about this for quite some time and it seems to be increasingly more and more acceptable. I've heard of many women- who have waited to get married and start a family....who reach a certain age and realize that they won't be getting married anytime soon (for whatever reason) yet still want a family....so they seek invitro or adoption and decide to become single parents out of choice. What do you think about this? Me personally- I VERY much so want to be a mother....that is one blessing I would love to have bestowed upon me. I would prefer to be married and raise a family in wedlock with a father figure around and a good healthy relationship. However.....I have decided....if i'm not married by the time i'm 35 and there are no prospects in sight. If i am financially stable and have a loving home to open up- i would love to adopt a child. There are soooooo many in foster care that are just waiting for a loving mom or dad to open up their hearts and homes to them. I think if i reach a certain age and find myself single yet still wanting a child- i would consider adoption and possibly being a single mom out of choice. I know it's a bit contriversial....but i feel that i could give a needy child a wonderful home and share a piece of my love and life with them- that would be one less child bumped around from foster home to foster home and lord knows what else. What do you think? If you want children and are single....would you consider this at a certain point? If not- what is your reasoning? I believe in an ideal situation- a child would have both a mom and a dad to learn and grow from....but it seems as though the faces of families as we know them seem to be changing. My mom was a single mom and she raised all of my sisters and I on her own. I turned out just fine It's just a thought- but i'm curious as to what everyone else thinks on this topic. (Please retract your claws and keep the comments kind and honest)
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post #2 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:05pm
I think that if I had reached an age where I knew that I wouldn't be able to share that joy with a significant other, and I was completely financially stable with a great job, and a home, I would consider adopting. I want to know the joy of raising a child, so so much!
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post #3 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:13pm
Awesome you guys!!!
I've thought about it too in the past.
I told Dan that if we were unable to have children between the two of us we would reach out to adoption agencies. He was iffy about i but I dont blame him..he isnt very family orienatated or lovey.....like me!
I also thought about opening my home to a special needs child if we were planning of fostering or adopting.
But even if we were not together, and I was not in a relationship I still see myself becoming a parent. I have a whole mess of love to give, and god knows there are plenty of children and teenages who could use some!
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post #4 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EricaNicole View Post

I told Dan that if we were unable to have children between the two of us we would reach out to adoption agencies. He was iffy about i but I dont blame him..he isnt very family orienatated or lovey.....like me!
Thats another thing- if John & I (were to get married) and were unable to have children, I would defiantely want to adopt, in a second! Your right-there are so many children out there that are in need of loving homes-I'd love to open my home, and my heart to a child in need!
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post #5 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:23pm
I hope that the adoption agencies and such open up to non-traditional families more than they are now. Yes, there are some that will adopt to non-traditional families, but many don't.

My co-worker has adopted a daughter from China (8 years ago). There are so many orphans in China, and especially girls (they call the adopted ones here China Dolls) because of the reproductive limits imposed. Families over there want boys, so many girls are abandoned or given up. So yes, there are a lot of orphans in China that need good homes. They recently revised their regulations - no single people, no homosexual couples, you have to have a certain amount of equity and wealth, and you can't be overweight (they literally have a specific BMI you have to fit into).

I hope that those types of regulations don't become the norm. Kim is an excellent mother, and she provides well for her daughter (and 4 cats ). But she wouldn't be able to adopt her under the new regulations for multiple reasons, not the least of which being that she is single.

For anyone considering adoption - more power to you! There are so many children in this world in need of a good, stable home. IMO it shouldn't matter the race, creed, marital or sexual status, amount of wealth, or weight if a positive and stable environment filled with love can be provided to a child. That beats an orphanage or foster homes every day of the week!
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post #6 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:28pm
they also say if you have any facial deformities you can not adopt now.

But to answer the original question if I was financially stable and what not yes I would and I would adopt from the foster system here in the states.
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post #7 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:32pm
See, I'm not single, but once I am done school, I am almost 90 percent positive that I will become a foster parent. My mother was adopted (as was her grandmother) and her parents fostered around 30 kids over the years and normally had 5 to 10 children on top of their 2 biological and 1 adopted child. Many of the children around where I live are also of Aboriginal decent (as am I) and I could provide a culturally sensitive home, which the system prefers to do.

I think it is wonderful that you are all considering this. Any child would be blessed to have you all as parents, single or not.
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post #8 of 29
1/16/07 at 4:41pm
I personally would never want to have children by myself. But I don't think it would be wrong of anyone else to, or for anyone who wanted to foster/adopt. One loving parent in a good home is exponentially better than no parent in a group home (though of course they try as best they can).

I would not do that, for one because I think the person I marry is probably going to be a good balance for me, including child-rearing ideas. I just don't think I would ever be a good single parent. I'm never going to be a stay-at-home type of mom, so it really wouldn't work out.

Some single people are probably better parents than two of me will be!
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post #9 of 29
1/16/07 at 5:07pm
personally no I would never be a single parent by choice. Having a single parent can be just as hard on the kids as it is on the parents.
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post #10 of 29
1/16/07 at 5:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley View Post
I think that if I had reached an age where I knew that I wouldn't be able to share that joy with a significant other, and I was completely financially stable with a great job, and a home, I would consider adopting. I want to know the joy of raising a child, so so much!
I agree with this. Although I would prefer to find a Mr Right first but I haven't even found a Mr Maybe yet. And I really want a family. I have always wanted one.
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post #11 of 29
1/16/07 at 6:54pm
the only way I would ever consider having a child is if I was in a relationship with a man that I would hold to be a good father, I wouldn't necessarily have to married, and I would never get married just to have children. As og right now I do not want children, but if I were to meet that man who is up to my standards of being a father, I would definitely consider it. I was with my ex for 6.5 years, married for 2.5 of them and I had decided that I would never have a child with him because I was not impressed with the kind of father he was (he had a daughter from his previous marriage) and this is when I actually wanted children! I loved Brian, but did not want him to be the father of my children, if that makes sense. I think the infuence of the father is so important to how a child grows, I'm not saying that a single mother cannot do a good job, they most certainly can, but not having a father around, or even a father around that is distant or absent, shapes a child's subconscious, in ways that have not been fully explored. anywoo, this is all just a theory of mine, just something that I think is very important when it comes to my own children, but whatever anybody else decides is their choice
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post #12 of 29
1/16/07 at 7:36pm
I might foster but personally wouldnt put a child thru a single parent life...( yuo mom was a single parent
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post #13 of 29
1/16/07 at 9:36pm
Well, since I'm married, the question doesn't exactly apply to me... but yes, I would consider it, given I was financially stable and all that jazz.

But, for me, I've already decided that I don't want to have my own children (for many reasons). We likely won't have children, but we've often discussed adopting and/or fostering. There's just too many children in need in this world for us to feel justified bringing our own into it as well.
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post #14 of 29
1/16/07 at 11:37pm
Yep, I would, for sure. I have a couple of friends who are single mums, and it's VERY hard, but they wouldn't change a thing (except maybe to get into relationships...lol).

I wouldn't hesitate to try and have a child if I hadn't met a guy and my clock was ticking. I'm in a good position in my life and could certainly manage it financially, and I'm a bit of a homebody, too, so I wouldn't mind that aspect of it. Also, my girlfriends and family are all so wonderful and supportive it would make things a lot easier.

Not a second thought. Definitely, yes.
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post #15 of 29
1/17/07 at 5:24am
Honey the area I live in people are SHOCKED that I haven't had a kid yet. However, that's just the culture around here and most people use welfare as a form of birth control.

Anyhoo, you know what? I had that plan when I was 18. I told myself that as long as I was financially stable I would do the artificial insemination/adopt thing and start my own family if I wasn't in a serious relationship.

If I wasn't with B right now and had a little more extra in cash, I would have still done it. However by 30. The age of 28 snuck up on me too fast.

Anyways, I don't think its controversial anymore. People that might gossip about...well they just need to get over themselves. IMO.
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post #16 of 29
1/17/07 at 6:48am
I'm not sure if I want to have children, but if I do, being single isn't going to be a problem.
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post #17 of 29
1/17/07 at 7:23am
I know you were asking this of the people without children. But just thought I'd put my 2 cents in. My boys are 10 and 13 and I can't imagine not having my husband there to help them and me. I would have gone crazy. (much sooner) It's not just the financial stability you need. Its support from other people. So if you have good friends and family around to help you out, you'll probably be ok. I don't think being a single parent is a bad thing. Better a single parent that really loves a child, than 2 parents who could care less.

You guys really have big hearts.
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post #18 of 29
1/17/07 at 8:25pm
Thread Starter 
Wonderful input and comments everyone!!!
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post #19 of 29
1/18/07 at 12:18am
I couldn't be a single parent, I know I dont have the patience for it, and as my mum was a single parent, I know the issues that the kids can have in school etc, so not sure I could do that to a child. I do wish that single parents were allowed to foster and adopt though, they are getting way too strict with what they will allow. I dont see anything wrong with others doing it, but not for me. I do wish more people would consider adoption though, there are soo many kids who would benefit from it.
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post #20 of 29
1/18/07 at 12:36am
Quote:
Originally Posted by booktigger View Post
I couldn't be a single parent, I know I dont have the patience for it, and as my mum was a single parent, I know the issues that the kids can have in school etc, so not sure I could do that to a child. I do wish that single parents were allowed to foster and adopt though, they are getting way too strict with what they will allow. I dont see anything wrong with others doing it, but not for me. I do wish more people would consider adoption though, there are soo many kids who would benefit from it.
Single people can foster, back in the dark ages when we were Foster Parents there were lots of single foster Mums and the occasional Dad.
This site has basic info.
http://www.baaf.org.uk/info/firstq/fostering.shtml
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post #21 of 29
1/18/07 at 8:17pm
I'd definitely adopt. I'd only have a biological child with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but adoption is a totally different story - I'd definitely do it.

Sure, life with a single parent isn't perfect (I was raised by a single parent from the age of 11 - I know it's not ideal), but I'd much rather give a kid a life with one parent than leave him/her with no parents at all.
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post #22 of 29
1/18/07 at 11:47pm
Oh right, wonder why I thought that. The last people I know who were applying to do it said it was so incredibly strict. They had months of interviews and think they had to do some day courses (despite having 2 kids of their own), and I know that they were told if she hadn't already been working part time, they wouldn't have been considered - I know they have to make sure the people are going to be good carers, but the time they had to wait and all the procedures prob put people off, and that isn't good.
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post #23 of 29
1/19/07 at 4:16am
Personally I wouldn't do it. In your situation if you think you could handle it I'd say adopt an older child. I was a product of a broken home. I had no male figure to speak of and my mother wasn't really around or supportive much. I don't agree with in-vitro. There are too many children you can adopt so I completely disagree with in-vitro. I think it's a personal decision and you shouldn't let anyone else sway you. Just make sure you'll have the time as well as the funds to devote to that child.
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post #24 of 29
1/20/07 at 7:51am
Yes i would, but i have always seen my self alone anyway
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post #25 of 29
1/21/07 at 6:29pm
I would consider it... Actually I have thought about it in the past. I definitely would like to to adopt a child at some point, probably not a baby (not any time soon, but when I am done with grad school and firmly set in a career). I have a very close family and friends and if my life is similar to the way it is now in the future then there is a good chance I would consider adopting even if I am not married. Looking at how some of my friends' households work I can see how it may work out very well especially if my plans go the way I hope they will... I'm not going to get into the details but I'll just say if things end up the way I've been thinking about them now, even if I am single I won't be living alone.
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post #26 of 29
1/21/07 at 9:26pm
Yup I would if it came to that. My mum was a single mum (dad died when I was 4), and she raised 2 young kids on her own and did an awesome job.

I wouldn't do it by choice - I know it's easier with two, but if I got to a certain age and had no partner, then I would definitely consider doing it on my own.
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post #27 of 29
1/25/07 at 7:22pm
I don't think that I would ever choose to be a single parent. If it were to happen that I had a child and then became divorced I think I could handle being a single parent. But I would never choose it.
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post #28 of 29
1/26/07 at 8:36am
I raised a daughter all by myself, no help from my family AT ALL, no child support, and I can tell you that it was incredibly difficult, but I had her at a very young age.

I wouldn't change a thing, though - I love her to pieces, and it has been more than worth it.

It doesn't take just one or two people to raise a child, it takes a community, and if you have good friends and family that love you, your child will grow up basking in that love and support.

Just my 25 cents worth of opinion as a single mother. BTW, she only has one parental name on her birth certificate: mine. Her biological father was an incredibly abusive man, and to protect her from him, I refused to put his name on her birth certificate. Because I was under age 16 when I got pregnant, it was officially and legally considered statitory (sp) rape, and therefore no one argued when I refused to allow a father's name to be put on the certificate.

When my daughter was 15, I told her the whole story, and she wholeheartedly supported my decisions, as she understood that they were in her best interest. I offered her the option to find and meet him, and she told me that she never wants to - that I am the only parent that she ever wants or needs.

God, I love that girl of mine.

Don't let being single stop you if you have the financial means to raise a child and the support and care available to help you through the early years, go for it.

But please don't do it if you can't afford it financially, because it just becomes waaaaay too tough enotionally and logistically. I went on welfare when she was a year old, got off the system 10 years later after graduating from college, and it was very, VERY difficult to do alone.
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post #29 of 29
1/26/07 at 9:06am
when i was 31, & still single, i seriously thought about this... but decided to wait awhile longer. unfortunately, i went thru early menopause at 40. i waited too long to have my own, & adoptions are basically impossible for a single parent - trust me, i've looked into it. now that i'm almost 49, i think i'm too old to take on a child alone. i'm hoping to someday marry someone who has children [& grandchildren] that i can spoil as my surrogate children. till then - i have my fur kids!
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