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Divorce, I think (a LONG one, bear with me)

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
Well my parents have been married 26 years or so and lately have been fighting alot. It seems to be both of them but the problem is that my mom doesn't think she could ever do anything wrong, it is all my dad's fault. There was a big fight Monday night. My mom told my dad to leave if he doesn't love her and he did. Not that he doesn't love her at all but he just can't put up with her anymore and he doesn't love her in the same way as he did.

Well he was gone a few hours and realized he wasn't ready to talk to her right away so wanted to come and get some of his things and go sleep in the spare room. He asked my sister and I to keep her in the living room so he could come in to get his stuff. Maybe this was not the right way to go about it but she sure didn't want to stay in the other room. We just figured their emotional levels were already so high, if they speak to each other, things could get really bad.

She wanted to see my dad and it got to the point where we were physically holding her back. Mom threw dad's clothes all down the stairs because she didn't like that we were holding her back and "trying to help dad". In the process, my sister got wacked in the face, and trampled over (absolutely by accident). My dad I think thought it was a lot worse then it was and called the police. So now things are even worse. She was basically calm until we started holding her back from getting to dad. She partly blames my sister and I as getting her so worked up to the point where she was throwing things down the stairs and everything. My dad decided he would just leave and so we decided to get some things for my dad so he wouldn't have to come in. She just said if he wants his stuff he can come and get them himself. Then proceeded to throw the clothes all down the hall and stairs.

A little about my mom/family:
My mom is extremely introverted, depressed (like sitting for a long time in the dark alone with her bible, I was ust recently made aware of this), anxious, emotional, keep to herself type of person in the first place. She rarely goes out, except to grocery shop. I can't imagine how terrified she was when the police came and I feel awful about it. Our family has never had anything like this happen before. Even in my parents extended family, police were never involved in anything. We are the average, sit around the fireplace playing board games type of family.

Well she is still thinking things will be all right in a day or so and waited all day yesterday for dad to call or come over like he originally said he would. He did, to get his truck, and left without coming in. He said he is too emotional and not ready to talk to her yet. Well she took this just awfully of course.

Some history:
In the past 2 years, mom almost lost her middle child to attempted suicide (my sister who got wacked in the face and trampled earlier in this story), she lost her father, 2 close aunts, and a cousin and then my sister married, moved to arizona and had a baby she would never be able to see due to distance. And my youngest sister moved away for school. She is also alone all day because my dad works and she doesn't. So she was depressed reasonably. Then the arguing with my dad. She should have gotten help then and we all suggested it but she wouldn't. She blamed my dad, said he is the one with problems so he should go get help himself. Of course if couples are having a problem, they should go together, but she wouldn't do it.

Last month, my sister and her husband and baby moved back and moved in with her and dad. She was obviously extremely happy to have someone there again. She had people around to talk to and see during the day. To keep her mind off things with my dad and keep them from getting in arguments with each other. And she loves being a grandma and seeing the baby all the time and babysitting.

After this big police involved fight, my sister and husband felt like they were not comfortable living there right now. They went somewhere else to stay. They also didn't want the baby in a negative, depressed environmant. They thought if they stayed she wouldn't be able to get over my dad and not deal with that as she should. They also worried about how when she got hysterical during the big fight and accidently pushed and trampled my sister, what if that happens again? what would happen if she was holding the baby? Or if she gets depressed to the point of sitting in the dark all alone and ignores the baby? Personally I think they may be overreacting, but I also don't have a tiny little life I gave birth to and who's life you put in to another persons hands when the baby is in someone elses care. Maybe it would be better for them to be there because I don't think my mom should be left alone. If I went there she would feel like she was keeping me from my home and work and school and everything because I don't live there in the first place. My sister was living there and moved out so she is really upset because the "fight was between her and dad, not my sister and her family so there is no reason for her to leave".

I just don't know what to do. I feel awful for my mom. She hasn't worked in 25+ years. She was very very dependant on my dad and literally can't do things on her own. She is extremely depressed and upset. And on top of it all, the one thing that made her happy (the baby) is gone because my sister ddn't feel comfortable being in the house with her. Partly because of how she is acting and partly because of the bruises she got from mom. It is just a huge mess. We are normally a really close family, like I said earlier, sit around the fireplace playing video games, family Sunday dinners, etc...

I don't know what I am looking for from you guys. I just wanted to get this out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I need to do either. How involved do I get? My mom knows dad is gone but like I said, she thinks they will work it out. My dad said he has already contacted lawyers and opened his own checking account and is finding out about filing for divorce. Dad said he loves her but not the same way and he has already moved on. Not in a mean, uncaring way either, he was crying and feels awful. I don't see my dad cry so I know he means it. He also hasn't called or visited her yet. When she finds out he is never coming back, I am afraid of what she will do. My boyfriend said he could see her having to be hospitalized. I HIGHLY doubt she has eaten anything since this fight either. I am worried. She has spent the last 2 days sitting in the dark and not doing anything.

I am worried about my mom. When I went there she got up and went downstairs with the lights on, she fed the dog and cats and let him out and then went right back upstairs. But that's it. Please tell my sister and I what you think we should do if anything.

Thanks for listening. BTW, I am 24, my married sister is 22 and my youngest sister is 18. I know this is really hard on little kids which we aren't. I am not upset really that they aren't going to be together anymore, just my mom's reaction to it all. Do you think my dad should have called her by now?
post #2 of 14
Oh Jen Im so sorry. I dont know if there is anything you guys can do except to be there for both parents. It sounds like things got heated and just need to calm down. Men take longer than women to calm down over emotional outbursts. Give your Dad his time and space he needs and give you Mom some love and hugs she needs.

Heres hoping everything calms downs and works itself out.
post #3 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen View Post
Thanks for listening. BTW, I am 24, my married sister is 22 and my youngest sister is 18. I know this is really hard on little kids which we aren't. I am not upset really that they aren't going to be together anymore, just my mom's reaction to it all. Do you think my dad should have called her by now?
You don't have to be little for this to be difficult - especially because it sounds like your mom is struggling with mental illness.

The only advice I have that will probably work is to contact some local organisation that helps people with mental illness - they can probably either advise or point you in the direction of a group that can. You may not be able to get anyone else in the family to go, but you can go yourself and try to learn strategies to cope and to, if appropriate, help 'manage' your parents.

I don't want to judge your dad for not calling her - it really sounds like he's reached his breaking point. Nonetheless, regardless of whatever else is going on, they are currently still married, and if she is ill, she needs him to be acting in her best interests. If your family see hospitalisation in your mother's furture, I think it's likely that hospitalisation might already be helpful or even necessary.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
post #4 of 14
Awww honey it's hard no matter what, whether your 5 or 25. The best advise is not to judge either parent on what they should or shouldn't have done. Getting your mother some help is going to be a necessary.

I will be keeping you and your sisters and parents in my thoughts and prayers.
post #5 of 14
I'm sorry that you had to witness all of that *hugs*

The only advice I can give you is to not get into the middle of your parents' fights. The problems are between them and them alone and they need to find a way to work it out on their own. Getting in between will only cause more problems and hard feelings.

It sounds like your mother could really use some major psychiatric counselling, perhaps even a short hospitalization. If she isn't already on medications, she probably should be. However, she's an adult and unless she poses a danger to society or to herself, there really isn't a way to get her admitted unless she voluntarily goes.
post #6 of 14
Your family sounds similar to mine, except my mother is the alcoholic and although my dad has wanted to leave and has filed for divorce (it was rejected because he wouldnt move out and she kept on saying no and wouldnt get a lawyer)

All i can tell you is to be there for your mother, maybe try to get her to some social elderly group as i presume your mother is well into her 50s so she can meet people.

Good luck!

hugs!
post #7 of 14
I too am so sorry to hear about all this...it sounds too familiar in a way that I won't go into right now. However, I don't think your mom is mentally ill. Seems to me that she needs to definitely see her doctor...is your mom menopausal per chance? See, and I'm almost ashamed to say this, she sounds alot like me. No really...she does. I won't cut into your thread here by telling my own story but I will tell you that she should see her doctor...could be that he/she can prescribe something to get her feelin' like her old self again...sometimes you just don't know how simple the answer is...and sometimes its right in front of you...I hope she does much better. But I'll tell you what...many couples our age, who have been together about that many years that I know of personally are having just the same problems. I'm not saying that its ALL menopausal, certainly not, but meanopause sure makes things more difficult if you just don't know how to handle it correctly.

My good thoughts for you and your family dear...

Loves y Hilda-hugs...
>^..^<
post #8 of 14
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sure the breakup of one's parents can be stressful and traumatic no matter what age the children are. They both need the support of yourself and your siblings right now. I would strongly suggest that your mother seek counselling for dealing with her feelings - it definitely sounds like she is in a bad place right now and needs some help. And after so many years of marriage, I would hope that your father, even if he feels that the marriage has ended and he's reached the end of his rope, could be there for her and assist in her recovery, whatever it takes. I know that this cannot be easy for you or your siblings, and feel that your sister made the right move in removing her child from the situation. However, your mother needs support desperately right now and needs you to be there for her.
post #9 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hilda>^..^< View Post
I too am so sorry to hear about all this...it sounds too familiar in a way that I won't go into right now. However, I don't think your mom is mentally ill. Seems to me that she needs to definitely see her doctor...is your mom menopausal per chance? See, and I'm almost ashamed to say this, she sounds alot like me. No really...she does. I won't cut into your thread here by telling my own story but I will tell you that she should see her doctor...could be that he/she can prescribe something to get her feelin' like her old self again...sometimes you just don't know how simple the answer is...and sometimes its right in front of you...I hope she does much better. But I'll tell you what...many couples our age, who have been together about that many years that I know of personally are having just the same problems. I'm not saying that its ALL menopausal, certainly not, but meanopause sure makes things more difficult if you just don't know how to handle it correctly.

My good thoughts for you and your family dear...

Loves y Hilda-hugs...
>^..^<
I agree with the above. Hubby and I were arguing a lot a few years ago and in hindsight I realize it was due to my hormonal changes (and his as well). I am 60 and he is 53 and this past Saturday celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary. It's only been in the last couple years that we haven't been arguing and bickering. Each of them feels misunderstood and unloved so the arguing is basically a need for attention of any kind (negative attention is still better than no attention). I agree that your mom should see her family doctor and check our her hormone levels. It's rough on everybody because you love them both. See if you can get your mom to have a "health" checkup - maybe she would be more inclined to go if you went with her. Make it sound more of a physical problem than an emotional/mental problem.

Keep us posted and sending cyber hugs to you.
post #10 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by LokisMum View Post
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sure the breakup of one's parents can be stressful and traumatic no matter what age the children are. They both need the support of yourself and your siblings right now. I would strongly suggest that your mother seek counselling for dealing with her feelings - it definitely sounds like she is in a bad place right now and needs some help. And after so many years of marriage, I would hope that your father, even if he feels that the marriage has ended and he's reached the end of his rope, could be there for her and assist in her recovery, whatever it takes. I know that this cannot be easy for you or your siblings, and feel that your sister made the right move in removing her child from the situation. However, your mother needs support desperately right now and needs you to be there for her.
I agree with Colleen. This must be very hard
post #11 of 14
Thread Starter 
I just read that depression can happen right before menopause. She is the right age, it occurs between 40 and 60. She will be 50 in May. So that on top of loosing half her family. She has no one really left but her sister who is closeby. She doesn't have any friends either.

My mom's problem is that she nitpicks on little things to argue about. Mostly about my dad, but a little with me and a little more with my sister... I just wrote out a whole example but I deleted it. The details don't matter. The fact is that she picks arguements, my dad and everyone else became aware of this so tried to do things differenly. She got mad at things she specifically told him to do and he did, but she takes things the wrong way too. She takes things personally, as personal attacks against her instead of seeing that if someone answers her not so nice, maybe they are having a bad day and it's isn't just her. She does this to the point to where people just want to avoid her and that is what my dad started doing I think. He tried to avoid arguements by avoiding her. So she took it that he doesn't love her and is ignoring her, but doesn't look at the fact that there is probably a reason for it. Does that make sense?

My dad's problem is that he sometimes loses his patience faster. It really seems though that she is the one to carry on things to cause him to get that way. But then when the time came to really talk about it and get help. Mom will tell him everything he is doing to her but insist that she hasn't done a thing wrong ever and if she is proven wrong, she will admit it but say that it was because of the way dad did something first, even when I was there and it clearly wasn't. If she doesn't do that then she runs into her room upset and throws up.

They should have gotten help a long time ago. My dad just told me that he called a therapist and is going and he called my mom and left two messages with her. He said they should go talk to someone but he doesn't know where it will end up. It is to make them be able to speak to each toher and get their feelings out, not to make everything go back to normal again because it won't. I told him he should tell mom about the appointment and where it is and tell her he would lik her to join him, if she wants to help fix this then she needs to go with him. I think that is a good idea.

Thanks for your support guys
post #12 of 14
Wow. Thats a whole lot going on.

You have been given some really good advice and I would follow it. Good luck and hopefully everything works out for the best.
post #13 of 14
I don't have a lot to say except *hugs*. I can imagine how difficult that is.

I hope your mom gets some help and the environment gets healthier for everyone.
post #14 of 14
i have a young friend, hmm around your age he is 23. Whose folks broke up several months ago. I think it is hard when that happens no matter what age the people are. I hope that you can be of support to both your mom and dad. Try very hard not to take any sides in this.

also if you can, from your post. Maybe try and talk your mom into getting some help?
take care
bruce
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