Would you stand by your man if?

Honestly, it would all depend on health care coverage and if he had any idea who I was. I would commit to take care of him and if we needed to remain married to maintain health care benefits, then I would do that. However, if he had no clue who I was, then I would consider a divorce so that I could move on with my life. I would still take care of him - that was the commitment when we married. The piece of paper doesn't change any of it.

Honestly depends on his physical condition. I've taken care of terminally ill family members and it is a 24x7 job. If I have to work full time to maintain health care, then I couldn't take care of him at home.

It may sound weird, but after 17 years of marriage, he is my family. If it got to the point that he no longer knew me, I would have to force myself to love him like a brother, because the marriage as we knew it would be fundamentally gone. But family is family and you are either born with that commitment or you marry into it.

Too many hypothetical possibilities with this scenario!!

I agree. I would still want to care for him, and his needs - but if he didn't remember and never would and was so changed that he wouldn't want to be with me - I wouldn't oppose it if he wanted to be free of a marriage he had no memory of. That wouldn't change my love of him (though it would have to be chaste, as unrequited), nor my ability to help him until he was able to live independently of me, if that's what he wanted.

I've thought about this before, and I'd be there for him, whatever it took. He would do the same for me.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

It would depend entirely on the situation.

I have, actually, been very close with someone who had some pretty severe brain damage and would go for long periods with total amnesia. It is very difficult to see someone you love looking back at you without so much as a flicker of recognition... And it does change everything. They don't trust you, and don't trust you to be helping them.

Anyway, if it were a physical disability or the type of mental disability that doesn't change who he is but only what he is capable of doing for himself, then no, I would stay with him. If he were not himself anymore, I don't know.

There is another Discovery Health show about a very rare condition where people get a pretty mild brain injury that totally destroys their personality. There was one couple I will remember the rest of my life. The man had absolutely no emotion toward his wife or family. It seemed like he was only there because he had some odd sense of obligation, like "that's just what people do" He didn't love them, he wasn't even particularly nice to the woman or child. But she loved who he had been before, so she stayed with them. Frankly, it was incredibly sad, and I seriously question whether all three of them wouldn't be better off if they separated.

I watched the same show. I would stick by John in a second. Hes been with me threw tough times and I would never leave him just because he was different. Though if he was abusive like the one guy I dont know.

me too.

Yes,I would be there for that person,Even if they didn't recognise me.

Although the relationship may have changed,I would still be there for them
as a friend....but only if they wanted.

I don't think that situation is much different to finding out that the life you thought you were living is a lie...and that person never really cared for you from the start.
I've got that sit' and I am still a friend..but thats just me.

It would depend on the situation, how long we'd been together etc. If it was just a case of physical disability, however serious, then yes I'd like to think I'd stick by him. But when you're talking about mental health problems or disabilities that's harder to say for definite. If you can't have a conversation with someone, they don't recognise you or they're simply unable to give anything to the relationship then you don't really have a relationship at all and are just a carer. In those circumstances I'd have to think very seriously about my needs as well as his.

Anyone who has a partner with dementia of any sort faces this. My father is now like a baby but my mother won't even think of having a carer to visit. She daren't let him out of her sight, and even so he manages to get away sometimes. And they are both 93 years old! And I have another friend whose wife has early-onset Alzheimer's at 60. They have moved to a low maintenance home and are currently doing as much as they can together before she is unable to travel or be independent any more. There is no question that they will split or that he will send her away unless it is for strictly medical reasons.

I cannot imagine ever leaving my husband. The thought makes me extremely sad.

I'm going to come across like some sort of sociopathic monster here, so first let me say that I love J very, very much. He means the world to me. But if he were to be in an accident and no longer knew me, and was incapable of taking care of himself ... I don't think I could stick around. I don't think I'm emotionally or mentally capable of handling that, of providing care to a person who views me as nothing more than a stranger. Now, if he were still himself and knew who I was, I think I could deal with that, although it would be very difficult. But if he wasn't himself and didn't know me ... No, I think I'd bail. I'd hate myself for it and my world would come crashing to an end, but I still think I'd walk away from that situation.

You aren't the only Mirinae.

I'm going to sound selfish here too...but if he didn't know who I was or anything, I'd make sure he was cared for, but I couldn't stay.

In a way too, if he were in a coma for 10 years...during that time I would of had my mourning and would've let go of a lot by then.

I may change my mind if that does ever happen, but still...

I guess the question is if you were the one in the coma what would you want? For someone you didn't recognize to take care of you?

"For better or worse". My father suffered a major stroke, which left him severely impaired both physically and mentally, and definitely changed his personality. My mother cared for him at home for six long years. Now she is suffering from Alzheimer's, and will remain in her familiar environment as long as possible.

I would stand by him, definately... I'm not saying that it wouldn't be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, I'm quite sure that it would be, but I won't give up on him....and even if he hates me or doesn't know me, I will still care for him, that is what I signed up for when we got married, better or worse.

I've been reading this thread and examining myself. I'm a totally fallible member of the human race, and I question my strength, but this statement about sums it up for me. So, yes, I think I would have the strength -- somehow.

Also, I am constantly reminded that if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it -- and that's happened enough times in my life, that it's one thing I don't question.

I guess maybe I have a different view point than alot of people I work in a nursing home and I see alot of people who their families dump in there and forget about and in the same turn I see people who their families come day in and day out to see them and sit with them. And I do know that they get to trusting you when they see you everyday even when they do have something such as dementia. I have also seen people who only come during the holidays and I honestly think that is so they can ease their conscience.

And although I am not married and I am divorced but for totally unrelated reasons. I do believe that when you take vows they are supposed to mean something and I think sometimes in life you have to swallow your own needs for other peoples when it comes to situations like this.

Yes take care of yourself but remember that the person you take care of is still the same man or woman deep inside of them and they are the same person that you held hands with and promised to love for better or for worse and in sickness and in health. I would never advice someone to stay with someone who is abusive except in the case of alzheimers and then I would tell anyone the best solution for that is to either hire nurses or place your family member in a long term care facility that you have researched extensively and also visit that person daily. Because the truth is in places like that if the family doesn't visit say Betty often but in the same room Wilma has vistors everyday the staff are often told to make sure they care for Wilma first because the family can't be upset.

I guess I have said a mouthful on this but like I said I suppose being a Certified Nurse Aide who deals with elderly residents every day and who also deals with the families I have a different outlook.

I have one little man I take care of and his family comes everyday and several times a day and his wife bless her heart comes in several times during my shift alone and even will wake up in the middle of the night to see about him. And if that isn't the true meaning of marriage and love I don't know what is. Alot of people would have wrote him off already because he is a terminal patient when he came to us mid month last December we were told that he maybe had a week to live and he has been with us nearly a month and he smiles and laughs for us and I honestly think its because we don't treat him like he's dying even though what the doctors have told us is that he is. He's on morphine several times a day and we give him whatever he wants and when you get to that point your days are numbered but that doesn't mean we simply say he is a lost cause and neither does his wife. And I think when you are with someone and you really love them then you have to be strong for each other no matter what and I have always believed that life throws you curve balls to teach you how to live and if you have ever played baseball you know that if you run everytime you get a curve ball then you will never leave home base.

I think maybe I would stay if there was a therapist on hand. If B and I were married, he was a in a coma, woke up and didn't remember who I was and had to be taken care of the rest of his life, then I think we would both need a therapist in order for us to stay together.

First, Bless Jenny's Mom for being an Angel on earth. I cannot imagine how she takes care of your dad every day. I only hope he has some congnicance of what she does for him, out of devotion. Very selfless act.

I watched my MIL take care of Dave's Dad when he was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's.) He went from an active 60 year minister that rode his motorcycle with the Christian Bikers to being bedridden, unable to speak or move, in diapers in less than 8 months. After 40 years of marriage, not once did it occur to her to ask for help or a way out. He did everything he could early on to make things easier for her: new appliances, new car, etc. so she would not have to worry about things breaking when he was gone. She finally got some in-home medical care the last month of his life. 18 months later, her life is not what she had planned. She was ready to retire and they were going to travel. Now, she has sold the house (not wanting the burden of payments), moved in with her daughter (and SIL and 6 YO grandson) and still has to work part time.

I know I love my husband with all my heart and soul. That is what the commitment of marriage is about. "In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health." No one says you have to do it alone, and unless you are a professional caregiver you probably will not be able to care for them properly. But with help and patience and the support of professionals, it is what you must do.

And on the note of unless your a professional caregiver then you cannot do it alone. Well you can't do it alone anyway. You do have to be willing to ask for help and if that means asking anyone who will listen then you have to do that. I am a professional caregiver and yet we even have to ask for help at work and we get frustrated and burned out and we aren't even the family of the people we are taking care of. Although we feel like we are but you have to take breaks when caring for someone who cannot do for themselves. And you have to get other people to help and get away if not for just an hour or so.

I bet it would be really hard, but I would work my butt off to make it work. I love Erik and I know he's the only one for me.

I'm not going to say one way or the other because i've never been in that situation with that kind of stress before and honestly wouldn't know unless it happened. Knowing my personality though- i'd stand by him reguardless. We are always there for each other no matter what...and i am committed to him. When we do get married...I will take the "for worse" part just as seriously as for better. I think people like to back out of their committments too often when things get bad....i don't want that. If i'm going to be with the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with-i'm going to stand by his side. I am fiercly loyal to my friends and family and those i love- it's in my nature to be there for them.

Well, since I sat by and watched what my Dad became because of the Cancer................he was a TOTALLY different person in the end.I can honestly say, I would stick by Shawn (hubby).
I don't care what the problem was, I would do it on my own or hire some help if I couldn't manage on my own.
My Mom took care of my Dad up until his last breath,with NO help from Hosptice.So, it has always been instilled in me---til death do us part.

I would stand by my husband all the way. If the shoe was on the other foot and I became that Ill, it would be very heartbreaking if my spouse just bailed on me. Thats not the way it's supposed to be.

My husband has stood by me through thick an thin. Divorce is the easy way out of things. I would stand by him no matter what. I love him.

We would stay together. We saw a movie (forgot the title) but it was about a girl that only had a 24 hr memory. And her husband in the end had to video tape wedding/child, etc for her to watch each morning so she would know she was married to him and had a child together.

Its called "dedication" to each other. Remember the vows? Better or worse. only a few exceptions to end the marriage - abuse or cheating. Most other things can and should be worked out.

I do believe any of us, once faced with the situation would find the strength to take care of someone we love.

Many years ago, I was married to a man who developed Cancer. He lived for about 2 years after his diagnosis, but he was incoherent for at least the last year and a half. He had the mind of a child.

He wore adult diapers that I changed everyday. He had to be fed like a baby. He had to be sponge bathed by me on a daily basis, I exercised his legs. I moved him constantly in the bed so he wouldnt develop bed sores. The list is long. He stayed at home, with me and I solely took care of him. The latter part of his life, Jim also helped me take care of him.

He had no family, except me. I was very young and had to dig deep within myself to do what I needed to do for someone I loved so much. I will NEVER regret staying beside him.

The night before he passed away, he was his "old self" for maybe an hour. He touched my face and he talked to me, not like a child, but like him. He told me that what I had done for him meant more to him than anything in his whole life. He thanked me, he hugged me and he told me he would always be with me.

I actually thought he miraculously was getting better, but he passed away the next day. I will never ever ever regret doing that in my life. It is a huge part of who I am today. I love you, Ron