Moving in with fiancee and she wants to get rid of my cat?

catmongler

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Hello,

My fiancee and I just bought a hosue and will be moving in together shortly. She is not a 'cat person', but does think my cat is very cute/lovable. She said she was OK with the cat living with us, but now has changed her mind. She claims that the cat startles her, cannot live with the hair/smell, and is mildly alergic (when she gets hair in her eyes).

I really do not want to give up my cat under any circumstances and am trying to come up with some sort of comprimise. She is an indoor cat who's spent her whole live inside (but looking out the window). The house has an enclosed back yard and I'm thinking about getting an electric fence and letting her roam out there. My financee said to let her do that + 'live' in the garage. I would really like to give her some sort of access to the house, but me fiancee really is opposed to it.

Does anybody have any ideas? comments? similar experiences or stories they can share with me? I'm trying to find a compromise here
thank you!
 

trouts mom

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Oh that totally sucks..Most people on this site will tell you that they wouldn't BE with someone who would make them get rid of their cat..I agree, Trout is my family BEFORE any guy is.

Allowing your cat outside will allow for a number of unsafe things to happen. I would not recommend having the cat live in the garage either..This is your fur baby, not just some stray.

I'm sorry, I wish I had advice on how to compromise, but I can't even think of anything because I wouldn't compromise in this case...Not to sound snotty at all..just MO


Goodluck
 

ohnoaninfp

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umm keep the cat get rid of the fiancee?
Sorry just kidding. I don't know what to tell you. I wouldnt give up my kitty.
 

kittenkiya

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Well, all joking aside, who is going to run this family, anyway? IMHO, she knew about the cat......the cat stays.....if she wants to go.....well, who knows, you may be better off.
 

lsulover

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Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Oh that totally sucks..Most people on this site will tell you that they wouldn't BE with someone who would make them get rid of their cat..I agree, Trout is my family BEFORE any guy is.

Allowing your cat outside will allow for a number of unsafe things to happen. I would not recommend having the cat live in the garage either..This is your fur baby, not just some stray.

I'm sorry, I wish I had advice on how to compromise, but I can't even think of anything because I wouldn't compromise in this case...Not to sound snotty at all..just MO


Goodluck
I do not own a cat now, but I do own a dog, and I would NEVER NEVER NEVER give up somthing like that. It seems like your fiancee knew about the cat in the first place.

What if you had children and she didn't like your children, would you give them up? Our pets are like our children.

I agree with the other posters. There is no way on God's green earth would I give up something I loved. Especially something that is alive.

I would not let my cat live in the garage either, she didn't live in the garage when she was with you.

Good luck and I do hope she can learn to deal with this situation.
 

zissou'smom

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The compromise is that she learns how to deal with it. If you really wanted to get a cat, and she didn't, it would be a different story. But she knew you had a cat already, already said she would be okay with it, so IMO she doesn't have a leg to stand on when now suddenly saying she doesn't want your cat in the house that the two of you share.

Most of the people on the board are going to say the same thing-- we wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't live with our cat... after all, the cat came first.

In a more general scale, it sounds like maybe there are some control issues going on, so maybe the compromise can be that you get your cat, inside as it has been, but she gets to do something else that you wouldn't necessarily want. Like a pink bathroom, or whatever the equivalent is. If she was previously okay with your cat, and now isn't, it probably isn't actually about the cat.
 

hopehacker

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There is no way I could have a relationship with someone who couldn't accept my cats. That is a VERY important part of a relationship. The cat has been with you longer than this woman, and you have obviously stated you don't want to get rid of your cat, nor ban her to a garage or the outdoors.

To be fair to both your girlfriend and yourself, do you honestly think you could have a relationship with someone who forced you to get rid of an animal (a family member), without feeling bitter about it at some future point of your relationship? I know if I were in your shoes and I got rid of the cat to please another person, I would harbour bitterness in my heart, and it would have a major affect on the way I related to that person in the future. It would always be something I would hold against the person.
 

dusty's mom

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Hmmm, I'm afraid I would think that the "change of mind" is a deal breaker. The kitty came before the girlfriend. I would be concerned that if she can change her mind about this, then what else might she change her mind about that would have serious consequences on your relationship?

I definitely would NOT put up an electric fence. It could kill the kitty. If you really feel the kitty needs to spend some time outdoors (never at night IMO) then look into the Purrfect Fence advertised on this site.

But I think your relationship might have more serious problems. Just to be on the safe side you should have a contingency plan in case the living arrangement doesn't work out - like who gets to stay in the house, and how does one person buy out the othe.
 

tavia'smom

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Here's my thought on this. Granted I am only hearing your side of the story but it sounds like you are the one making all the sacrifies in which could possibly cost your cat her life. She knew you had a cat when you got together and excepting things you love is part of accepting you. And if she is already trying to change you then you better stop and reevalutate. Take this from someone who divorced a man in large part because he was abusing my cat. Sorry but my cat is a helpless baby that depends on me and he wasn't a baby he was a monster of a man but it started with small things and got worse and it didn't take long for it to get worse and he went as far as to go out with his buds while I was laid up with a broken ankle and got mad because my cat needed water daily and I wasn't able to get it, I couldn't get the hang of crutches.

She was willing to accept your cat at first and now when push comes to shove she wants your cat gone and by putting her outside or in a garage which can be dangerous she is essentially getting her wish because a cat who has never been outside won't make it. And as far as the smell an inside cat shouldn't have it and there are ways around the allergies. IE you bathing the cat to keep down the dander, and brushing the cat and such as that. And I would discuss those options and if nothing else she doesn't have to pet the cat and if she does she can wash her hands before touching her face. And if you are going to make your life together then you have to completely accept one another.
 

trouts mom

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One more obvious point:

If she loves you, she will see how important your cat is to you and realize she is being unfair.
 

dusty's mom

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Yup, I agree with Tavia's Mom. Your girlfriend is the one that needs to make some concessions. She can take allergy meds. You can find a place to put the litter box away from the living area. If you have an attached garage, perhaps you could put the litter box in there with a kitty door access. We keep our litter boxes in the bathrooms - one upstairs and one downstairs. I scoop daily and change the litter often enough to not create a smell.
 

catcrazyperson

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if i were you i would not be able to give up the cat! when you got the cat you made a commitment, IMO, and you need to keep it! the cat came before the girlfriend...she needs to understand that the cat is something that you care about...

though i wouldn't want to be in your shoes! good luck!
 

urbantigers

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There's no way I would get rid of my cats - not for anyone. They're my family. The way I look at is if I had 2 human children would someone expect me to get rid of them because they didn't like kids? No they wouldn't - they'd either deal with it or not be with me.

I'd have a serious talk with your fiance about her change of heart. Maybe she wanted you to get rid all along and was just hoping that if she seemed to accept the cat to begin with it would be easier to persuade you to part with it later on. Or maybe there's something else behind it. The only way to find out is to talk to her about it. I'd try to get to the bottom of her feelings before you consider whether the relationship has a future or not, but the bottom line for me would be the cat stays and she has to decide whether she can live with that or not. If she really cares for you she'll understand that your cat is important to you.
 

tigerontheprowl

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Don't give up the cat. For now I wouldn't worry about a compromise. Tell her to try to live with the cat for a month or two and if she still doesn't like it after that then I would try to find some sort of compromise.

P.S. Welcome to TCS!
 

momofmany

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I gave up a cat when I moved in with my first husband. The marriage didn't work out simply because he wouldn't honor MY commitments. The cat was just the first major indicator that the relationship wasn't meant to be.

If you love your cat, your fiancee should respect that.

For marriage #2, it was love me AND my cats or get out of my life. We've been married 17 years.
 

lsulover

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Originally Posted by catmongler

Hello,

My fiancee and I just bought a hosue and will be moving in together shortly. She is not a 'cat person', but does think my cat is very cute/lovable. She said she was OK with the cat living with us, but now has changed her mind. She claims that the cat startles her, cannot live with the hair/smell, and is mildly alergic (when she gets hair in her eyes).

I really do not want to give up my cat under any circumstances and am trying to come up with some sort of comprimise. She is an indoor cat who's spent her whole live inside (but looking out the window). The house has an enclosed back yard and I'm thinking about getting an electric fence and letting her roam out there. My financee said to let her do that + 'live' in the garage. I would really like to give her some sort of access to the house, but me fiancee really is opposed to it.

Does anybody have any ideas? comments? similar experiences or stories they can share with me? I'm trying to find a compromise here
thank you!
I am sorry but this just bothers me, I hope you find the right thing to do.

But you did come here asking for help and I do think that people are telling you what they would do in your situation.

I would NEVER NEVER NEVER ask anyone to do what your fiancee is asking (or telling) you to do. She knew about the cat before, it sounds like to me that everything is about her and no one else. She knows how much you love your cat, I would NEVER NEVER NEVER make my pet go live in some garage just because someone changed their minds.

If someone could not accept the whole package, then they just ain't gonna get nothing.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.
 

lunasmom

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All the above.

For one, is your cat an outdoor cat? If it was indoor before the cat will have a harder time adjusting to cold weather, rain, etc.

Also, electric fences as stated before will kill your cat.

Remember too, you two bought a house TOGETHER. So if she paid 50% and you paid 50%, your cat by default has 50% access to that house.

I personally think there is no compromise though. Either she deals with the cat or you get rid of it.
 

zissou'smom

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Originally Posted by lunasmom

Also, electric fences as stated before will kill your cat.
I'm hoping he meant an invisible fence... not a Jurassic-Park-like electric fence. Still, invisible fences are not meant for cats at all and is likely to cause some pretty severe behavioral issues.
 

cubbie

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Your fiancee sounds like a real piece of work. Your cat "startles" her? Give me a break. Can't live with the hair/smell? Whatever. Buy a vacuum and keep the litter box clean. If she was "allergic" to cats, it wouldn't take getting hair in her eyes.

Like other people have said, there seems to be some real control issues from what you have told us. If she can't handle a cat that you had before she came along, good luck making decisions in the future.

I'm a guy and will compromise on a variety of issues, but I wouldn't get steamrolled over my cats.

My 2 cents..
 
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