Moving in with fiancee and she wants to get rid of my cat?

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I wanted to add something to my earlier response.

What is there to compromise about? Based on everything you posted, this woman is a liar.

As I said before, when you started dating you had a cat. When you got engaged you still had the cat. When you agreed to buy a house and move in together you still had the cat!

During all of this she has obviously seen how much that cat means to you and how much you love it.

During all of these times she told you she was fine with the cat, and now after your signatures are on a house mortgage, suddenly she isn't!? She's been lying to you all of this time! That's not the basis of a good and sound relationship.

So far as I can see there is nothing to compromise about. You were a package deal when you started to date, and you are still the same package deal now. If she can't accept that, then really you need to re-evaluate this woman and your relationship with her.

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Exactly!

I agree with everyone! Love me, love my cat! I wouldn't budge. She knew about the cat, it doesn't sound like allergies but excuses. She sounds like she's testing the waters for control on future issues. If you give in on this one, then God help you on other issues. Stand your ground - the cat stays and stays an indoor cat. If she doesn't like it, you're probably not meant to be together anyway - let her go find someone else she can boss around!

Now, this is just a tad messed up, IMO.

She obviously does not understand the bond that can exist between people and their pets...has she ever owned a pet of her own, or growing up, did she have a special family cat, dog, or other pet? It seems she's not relating to the situation...we should not ask people we love to give up on the things THEY love, just because we view it as some type of minor inconvenience, especially if that person is asking that we sacrifice a special member of our lives.

We don't know your fiance, and I'm sure she has many wonderful qualities...but she is not really addressing YOUR needs in this situation, nor is she relating to the cat. A garage is NO place for a cat that has been living in a cozy indoor environment with you in the past...he won't understand it, and it seems rather neglectful on her part to even suggest that you do that. And the electric fence thing is just wierd...no offense.

For her allergies, take some Benadryl or Claritin...as for the startling thing, who knows...counseling??? Some extra quality time bonding with the cat may be more practical.

But there is no way you should give in to her requests...this is not something you can negotiate, and it's not even fair that she ask this of you. Your cat is a part of your life, and will be a part of your new home, and hopefully a part of your new life with your future wife. I would tell her to deal with it.

I agree that this seems to be more about control than the actual cat.

I think it's important to get to the bottom of it as if you end up finding a compromise that suits you both for now what will happen in the future? Presumably she wouldn't tolerate you getting another cat and cats don't live forever - sorry to be talking about something sad and that won't hopefully happen for many years, but one day your cat will die. What then? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life without cats?

Originally Posted by jugen

I wonder if we ran him off?

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I hope not. He seems like a caring cat person.

There has been lots of good advice given here so I won't go too much into that, but I do want to stress that a cat who has been indoor only has many dangers if put outside or even in the garage, where if she got into chemicals even just dripping from a car, could be fatal.

That being said, my DH has allergies to cats and we have 2. Our 'compromise' is 1. no cats in the bedroom, 2. I brush and use a waterless cat bath designed to reduce dander, 3. we bought a good vacuum cleaner and air purifyer. DH also takes allergy meds, but since we've done these things, I don't even take my seasonal allergy medications. We also make sure we change the air filters on the house regularly.

I hope you are able to work this out for the best.

Well, the points have all been made -- thoroughly and eloquently -- but I still need to put my oar in here. This is not about a cat. This is about a relationship, and about control.

If you've been together long enough to be engaged and buying a house, you've been together long enough for your fiancee to have noticed how you feel about your cat. If she did notice how you feel, then making the demand she is making of you is saying nothing so much as "I don't care about your feelings and will do whatever I need to to get my way." If she didn't notice, she's not paying attention to your feelings. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, and neither of them speaks well for the health of the relationship. Is this what you want to look forward to in your marriage? This may be the first instance, but it won't be the last.

I think there are three options here:

* Fiancee accepts you with cat, without any "compromise" as to how that cat is in your life.

* You accept fiancee's demands, and find the cat a home where it will be loved and respected and not forced to deal with an adverse living situation.

* You choose your relationship with a faithful cat over one with a human who does not take that cat and your relationship with it seriously.

Either the cat should be in your life as she has been up to now, or she should rehomed where she can have an appropriate life, not forced into a lousy living situation.

Frankly, having said OK at first and then changing her mind at the last minute (after she has you on the hook for the house?) sounds to me about as manipulative as it gets. This would not fill me with trust.

sorry my response would be this

the cat will be here long after you are gone.
so the cat stays you can go.

To be fair, we don't know anything about your relationship. I think that the advice to have a serious discussion with her about her sudden about-face regarding your cat living with the two of you is the absolute first step, regardless of what an outcome may be.

She may be upset about all kinds of things unrelated to the cat and it is a symptom. She may be trying to test the boundaries of how far she can push you, but she also just might be terrifed about moving in with you (not you persay, but the major life change involved in becoming a married woman). Either way or everything in between, the only way anything will be resolved without resentment is a discussion that does not become an argument. Either she'll be mad at the cat (not a good living situation for either of them) or you'll be mad at her or you'll be mad at the cat or she'll be mad at you if any outcome comes of the situation without a good discussion and a resolution everyone is happy with.

The biggest red flag (signaling that this really isn't about your cat) to me is the "allergies" Being allergic to cats does not involve having to get their fur in your eye. I am allergic to cats, but I think everyone would have a reaction to cat hair in their eye!

The biggest red flag (signaling that this really isn't about your cat) to me is the "allergies" Being allergic to cats does not involve having to get their fur in your eye. I am allergic to cats, but I think everyone would have a reaction to cat hair in their eye!

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Just to be fair (and just for the record, I agree, keep the cat, try to figure out what is going on in your fiance's head before you get married-it's not about the cat , I know of a couple of people who aren't bothered by the cats, unless they touch something the cat has been on and then rub their eyes or nose- instant, bad allergic reaction (as long as they don't touch their face when they're here, they are usually fine, unless it has been a really long time since I've vacuumed the furniture, etc ) .

I'm familiar with that as well, that's how my mom is. However, I took the OP to mean that she actually has to get a piece of the fur in her eye, not get the dander near her face. That's just me and my jumping to conclusions perhaps.

OP: I would absolutely put my foot down with your fiancee!
Loving someone is not all about being someone else's whipping boy.

I loved my fiancee enough to accept his 175 lb dog who slobered all over the place. A huge dog would not be my first choice of a pet. (The slobber was all over the walls, floors, windowsills, counters, etc...all day long I would have to mop up behind him).

I never considered having him remove the animal from our family.

I'll say it again: put your foot down. Some issues are worth not budging over.

If my husband can manage to accept living with my grumpy neurotic parrot who barely tolerates his presence in the house, puts feather dust everywhere, screams every morning when the sun comes up, lunges for him every time he walks past, and exacerbates his bad asthma....

Well let me say that I think a cat would be very easy to adapt to having around by comparison, even with a slight allergy. If you love someone, you accept them and their pets! And if you can't tolerate their pet, then you politely turn down the offer of a serious relationship. And vice versa. IMO.

if she truely loves you she wouldnt ask this... I am also allergic to cats , yet I have two

Originally Posted by sharky

if she truely loves you she wouldnt ask this... I am also allergic to cats , yet I have two

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I have 8 I sneeze and cough all the time, I told the Dr you can't give up everything you Love

Originally Posted by jugen

I wonder if we ran him off?

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Most likely

WOW!!! Ummmm.....you guys are a tough crowd! I'll tell ya what, I'm pretty damn sure you ran him off I just read through this whole thread from page one and I'm scared! I'm just glad it wasn't me asking.
Not that I disagree with anyone of you - I whole heartedly agree, but.....ummmmm....yeah.....read the thread through. You probably scared the outta this poor guy. Either that or he's off giving his fiance a piece of his mind after getting all riled up readin this.
This is why I love you guys! You don't hold back!

Originally Posted by lisasha3

Most likely

WOW!!! Ummmm.....you guys are a tough crowd! I'll tell ya what, I'm pretty damn sure you ran him off

I just read through this whole thread from page one and I'm scared!

I'm just glad it wasn't me asking.

Not that I disagree with anyone of you - I whole heartedly agree, but.....ummmmm....yeah.....read the thread through. You probably scared the

outta this poor guy. Either that or he's off giving his fiance a piece of his mind after getting all riled up readin this.

This is why I love you guys! You don't hold back!

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If you do come back, realize that we're not bad people and not trying to be mean. We're just very passionate about our cats. Any decision you make is a personal one, and we're just offering advice as to what WE would do.

Maybe it was the girlfriend pretending to be the boyfriend to see if she could get us to validate her arguement????

Just a thought...

I really do think some teenagers post items as a hoax, just to watch how crazy we get.