Cat's New Year Resolutions
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm
getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the
same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there
is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch
when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out
of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the
X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then
yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my
"kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing
important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if
it isn't as tasty.
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm
getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the
same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there
is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch
when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out
of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the
X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then
yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my
"kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing
important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if
it isn't as tasty.
