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A Cats New Years Resolution

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
Cat's New Year Resolutions

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm
getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the
same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there
is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch
when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out
of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the
X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then
yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my
"kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing
important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if
it isn't as tasty.
post #2 of 21
I just read these out loud to my husband. We were both laughing hysterically the whole time. Thanks for the much needed laughs!
post #3 of 21
That is WAY too funny. Someone needs to be sure that 8-Bit sees these...
post #4 of 21
Those were soooooo funny!!!! I can't wait for my hubby to finish watching his stupid TV program so I can read them to him.
post #5 of 21
Oh my goodness! Those were hysterical!!!! I had to read them to Ruger and Kolar!!!
post #6 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by chelle
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
Well theres Radars new years resolution
post #7 of 21
This gave my DH and I a good laugh, thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chelle View Post
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
This is Midget's resolution, for sure!
post #8 of 21
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.


Thats the best and so true!!
post #9 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by chelle View Post
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
I must remember to pass this one on to Oz. I have enough trouble doing sit-ups without 15 lbs of cat pinning my head to the ground!
post #10 of 21
I have another to add to that wonderful list:

I will not lick meowmy's face, nose and eyelids at 3:00 am so she will wake to pet me so I can purr and cuddle.
post #11 of 21
Thank you soo much - this really made me laugh - it's soooo funny!
post #12 of 21
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.

This totally applies to Gracie, Pete and Claire. Someone landed on my head around 5 a.m. the other morning (not sure who to blame) and I had a headache all day!
post #13 of 21
...oh My I never see it Before!...
thank you for share!
post #14 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
I have another to add to that wonderful list:

I will not lick meowmy's face, nose and eyelids at 3:00 am so she will wake to pet me so I can purr and cuddle.
awwww, I think I would love that..... how can you even get mad?!

my cats would be the stampeding through the serengetti.....you should hear them on the hard wood floors....you'd swear they were wearing clogs! I just lay in bed & giggle....how can a total of 13lbs of kitty sound soooooo heavy?! I dunno.... it's just beyond me!
post #15 of 21
www.badpets.net

I got the ones listed in this thread in an email, then found this website and this category.
http://www.badpets.net/BadPets/BadKitty.html

And you thought 8-Bit was bad...
post #16 of 21
Thread Starter 
post #17 of 21
Hilarious! My boys particularly would miss this one:

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.

This is a nightly occurrence here!
post #18 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by chelle View Post
If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
This one completely cracked me up, as I sit here looking at the vertical scars on my wrist that resulted from Harvey not wanting to take his inhaler.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
I will not lick meowmy's face, nose and eyelids at 3:00 am so she will wake to pet me so I can purr and cuddle.
I'll second that one. Harvey always decides to forgive me at 3 am, and he has to wake me up to tell me so.
post #19 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tari View Post
I'll second that one. Harvey always decides to forgive me at 3 am, and he has to wake me up to tell me so.
Well now isn't he a lovely, forgiving boy! He should be applauded for being so kind to you.
post #20 of 21
I would like to add the Mommy and sissy like to SLEEP at NIGHT so no licking them patting them and grooming them till they get up and let you out...
post #21 of 21
Thread Starter 
Gotta love them Cats
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