How I get him to help me out?!!

phenomsmom

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2005
Messages
10,462
Purraise
11
Location
In training
I can't get Lee to help me out around the house. Its getting old and very quickly. When I mention it to him he always says something like but I took the garbage off the porch and burned it. WELL WHOOPTY FREEKIN DO!
I clean the house, do the laundry, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes. He comes home from work eats and goes to watch tv. I am fed up with it. All i asked him to do today was fold the clothes in the dryer and dry the clothes in the washer. He hasn't worked this week since his boss can't get anything lined up until the first of the year. So he calls to tell me he is going hunting. Ok so you are so tired from burning the garbage today that you can't swap out the clothes for me but you have the energy to go hunting. Ummmmm I don't freaking think so. I am telling you this is going to end up tearing our relationship apart. Its not the first time something like this has happened. We fight about it constantly. Maybe i am going to have to tell him he better start pulling his weight or its going to end up costing him me.
 

muttigreemom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 8, 2005
Messages
1,239
Purraise
1
Location
Florida


I don't know the answer, but boy I can sympathize! If you do figure out the secret, please let me know


I did once tell BF that if he kept leaving his socks on the floor I was going to feed them to Buddha. That worked... for about a week.
 

katiemae1277

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 28, 2005
Messages
20,445
Purraise
17
Location
NE OH
This one of the major issues I had with my ex
one of my faves was when he got home 2 hrs before me and then has the nerve to ask me what was for dinner as soon as I walked in the door
obviously I never found anything to change my ex
but I can tell you it has a lot to do with how he was raised, as in did his Mommy do everything for him? its a hard thing to change in a guy when its been ingrained in him his whole life not to do those things
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #4

phenomsmom

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2005
Messages
10,462
Purraise
11
Location
In training
His mom still does everything for him. I just can't take it anymore. He knows how much I despise cleaning and doing laundry yet I am the only one who does it. I take my days off from work and spend them cleaning. I asked him to clean up the bedroom last weekend and that consisted of him throwing all the dirty clothes down the stairs and putting them in the laundry room for me to wash, and I had to tell him he needed to vacuum. He vacuumed around everything else that was on the floor. He left the garbage can full, dirty cups from water on the dresser and window sill, didn't make the bed and when i went upstairs he was laying on the bed watching TV.
 

luckygirl

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 4, 2006
Messages
7,932
Purraise
1
Location
in a pile of open toed shoes!
I hate to say it, but your officially married!
With my DH, I usually give him the official "sorry but the shops closed" speech if I've had to expend too much energy doing chores & housework....and then I just tell him, sure I'd really love too, but I'm just too beat from work, and wash & cooking & dishes & vaccuuming & cleaning the toilets....
I only had enough time to love up the kitties....since your not helping out at all your on my back burner! 1 or 2 days in the dog house will usually ship him into back into shape!
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #6

phenomsmom

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2005
Messages
10,462
Purraise
11
Location
In training
Originally Posted by LuckyGirl

I hate to say it, but your officially married!
The bad thing is we aren't even engaged!
 

jugen

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 8, 2001
Messages
5,124
Purraise
1
Location
IA. If you need me, just meow..
Ya wanna know the secret ladies??


I have a hubby that doesn't ( let me rephrase that, DIDN'T) do anything around here so I just stopped doing it. Even with my ocd, I got fed up with it and just stopped doing what I wanted him to do and eventaully he got sick of it being dirty (thankfully) and did it himself. Now it doesn't work all the time, just once in awhile. but it takes time and patience. It was very hard to see things getting nasty knowing I could just clean them and be done with it, but I overcame that and every once in awhile I still have to do it as a reminder that I am not a super human.(oh wait, yes I am, I just won't be treated like a maid.)

Unfortunately it's hard for me to deal with and sometimes I just do it, but things like my floors, haven't been vacumed in a week and I know it's grating on his nerves as much as mine, but it's a test of endurance, who can outlast the nasty longer. I can but have to be gone lots and lots, so i find things to do and I know soon he'll break down and vacum.
It sucks having a guy that has a mom who did everything for them. But you've just got to outsmart them. Good luck.

Of course Luckygirls advice is not only hilarious, but it works as well.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #9

phenomsmom

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2005
Messages
10,462
Purraise
11
Location
In training
What about if I just clean the things I used and do my own laundry and let his stuff get nasty?
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #11

phenomsmom

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2005
Messages
10,462
Purraise
11
Location
In training
Ok I am going to have to try it. As a matter of fact I am moving to the bathroom across the hall too. So i can have a clean shower and all that if it goes on to long!
 

zissou'smom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
6,482
Purraise
8
I had this problem too. The best way to deal with it is to come up with a division you think is fair, like say, one of you takes the kitchen and the bathroom, the other one gets everything else including laundry. That way you know exactly who's responsible for what mess.
Cooking, well, some men you just don't want to cook
But I think it's fair that if one person always cooks, the other always does the dishes.

Or tell him if he doesn't start helping then he can pay for a maid out of his own salary.
 

valanhb

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Mar 2, 2002
Messages
32,530
Purraise
100
Location
Lakewood (Denver suburb), Colorado
It is really difficult if Mommy did everything for him, and nigh on impossible if she still does it.

The best thing to do, IMO, is to just sit down and talk calmly (not angrily) about what bothers you and why. You also have to be honest with him and tell him straight out that if the current situation doesn't change, you aren't sure if there is a future for your relationship. Tell him exactly what you would like from him, and compromise about what jobs should be his (100%) and which should be yours. He has to agree to this, and both of you leave happy from the table. Well, if not happy at least satisfied that the arrangement is fair.

There's a few things that I have found out in my relationships (both friends, work, and with my husband) with men. (DISCLAIMER: These are generalities. They don't apply to all men. It is also not disparaging about men, just differences. Not better or worse, just different.)

They don't take hints. At all. Just because it's important to you doesn't mean he knows that (no matter how angry you've gotten about it) unless you tell him. Having a clean house probably isn't that important to him.

Also, they view anger differently than we do. When we get angry it means it's REALLY important to us. I think to men it's just letting off steam, which can later be disregarded because it was exaggerated in the heat of the moment.
 

kittylover4ever

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 10, 2004
Messages
21,696
Purraise
16
Location
Ohio
I think most of us suffer with men with this problem.......Jerry will help out if I ask him too, but you'd think I was asking him to cut off his arm! Granted, he does work two jobs, but it's never anything big. Heck, most of the time, I take the trash out too! And then when he does do something, I just know he's sitting there waiting for me to make a HUGE deal of it! LOLOLOL
 

crazyforinfo

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 26, 2006
Messages
6,773
Purraise
4
Location
Philly
Make a list of all the chores. Write down how to do the laundry for each load.
Stop doing his laundry and let him get his own food.
Sit down and explain that things have to be split. My DH wouldn't help either until I explained how to do things (since mommy did it for him). Not doing the laundry killed him.

My fav is when he complains about the litter stinking when sitting right next to it, playing video games. Mamma boys are the WORST!

Good Luck to you
 

swampwitch

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
7,753
Purraise
158
Location
Tall Trees & Cold Seas Vancouver Island
Originally Posted by valanhb

It is really difficult if Mommy did everything for him, and nigh on impossible if she still does it...
I was going to say this, too. I lucked out and my husband automatically helps around the house. Evidently his mom made him help her when he was growing up! Sorry I don't have advice with your problem now, but if there are any parents with sons reading this, please take note. Do it for their future wives!

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
 

zissou'smom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
6,482
Purraise
8
Originally Posted by SwampWitch

I was going to say this, too. I lucked out and my husband automatically helps around the house. Evidently his mom made him help her when he was growing up! Sorry I don't have advice with your problem now, but if there are any parents with sons reading this, please take note. Do it for their future wives!
Yea, my dad is like that. He can't do anything remotely domestic. When my mom would go on vacation or was in the hospital when I was in elementary school even, I had to do the laundry and cook, or my sister would have to come home from college to help too. My mom's church group brought us dinner, and he actually got mad at them when they stopped after a couple months
Anyway, he wouldn't even mow the lawn, had to hire somebody! And it takes him literally an hour to make a salad. Please, please, teach your sons how to use a vaccuum, how to do laundry, how to use a scrub brush...
 

MoochNNoodles

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
36,646
Purraise
23,465
Location
Where my cats are
Sheesh I am so lucky.....DH grew up with a pack rat Dad, therefore can't stand clutter. (Especially mine!)

I think you've gotten some good advice in 1. not doing everything for him (doing everything only enables him to continue) and 2. calmly talking together and splitting some chores.

Often DH will start the laundry and I'll finish. Or he'll do the litter box (why I love him!) and take out the trash while I do dishes. Those are the biggies for us. I try to do things like vacuuming or brushing the cats because of his allergies. And he does the lawn, well because I hate it!

I am one who has no problem sitting down and doing absolutely nothing when I feel things are too off balance. I mean there are times when I do more (like all of December since he was working long hours ever single day) and times when he did more (like when he was only working part time).

I think in the end it comes down to respect and appreciation of the other person. I make sure when my husband does something, to thank him for it. Even for working so much through December. Maybe once you get him doing some things, that would help to reinforce the behavior. (Think of training a puppy.....Good boy Lee! Good boy!)
 

squirtle

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 29, 2003
Messages
5,544
Purraise
1
Location
Sunny Florida
You guys are probably going to hate my answer... but to prevent a situation like you and Lee are in now, I just do all the housework myself. It really isn't THAT bad when you come up with a routine that works best with your schedule. I feel like taking care of it myself is well worth it in the long run because it avoids arguments. On either Saturday or Sunday mornings, I do a deep clean. This includes scrubbing the bathrooms, kitchen, floors, dusting, laundry etc. Throughout the week, I spend about 20 minutes when I get home from work (before I even take my shoes off) straightening up. I work my way from one side of the house to the other putting clothes in the laundry hamper, bringing any glasses or dishes to the kitchen, etc. As far as the bathrooms (during the week), I buy the Method wipes. They are GREAT for a quick wipe down... especially since my fiancé gets ready after me and there are always spots on the sink
I also run the vacuum each day because of the animals shedding. It may sound like a lot with having to take care of dinner and work and school and everything else
But I swear it keeps our arguments to a minimum which is great. Don't get me wrong, he is willing to help out but I am picky and want it done a certain way or at a certain time. It isn't fair for me to say "Honey, please take out the trash" and expect him to do it the second I ask. So I just do it myself
 
Top