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Personal Issue...But Need Advice (Long)

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
My boyfriend of 6 years and I are planning to be married and we want to buy a house next year. We have looked at EVERY development in the state of Delaware (where we live) and at some in Pennsylvania and Maryland. Of all the places we have looked, we like one development in particular, and our favorite house is also in that development.

Sounds great, right? Well, here is where the problem comes in. I work with a girl (who USED to be my best friend I might add), whom, although was supposed to be my best friend, and was married, pursued my boyfriend and they ended up having an affair.

He and I have worked out the issue and we are perfectly happy now (we did have alot of problems back then). Needless to say, she is no longer a friend of mine but I do have to deal with her on a professional level as we work together (yick!)

I just heard from someone at work that she and her husband just signed a contract to build a house at the very same development we would like to build our house. They only have so many lots available right now and most of them are within view of her house.

I told my boyfriend this and at first his reaction was, "There is no way I will live anywhere near them". Which was my initial reaction as well. So we revisited several of the places we had looked at houses in the past, hoping to see something that we liked better, or at least as well, as the "favorite" place. Of course, we didn't.

My issue with this is probably fairly clear. I don't want to be anywhere near her, but I also don't feel like we should give up something we love because she is going to be living in the same development. When I say she was my friend, I mean she was my absolute BEST friend for 8 years (or so I thought). The 4 of us did EVERYTHING together. We watched races together every weekend (we are all HUGE NASCAR fans), played cards together every Saturday night, bowled together every Wednesday and lived 2 blocks apart. She and I went shopping or to craft shows every weekend and worked together. Sickening huh?

Anyhoo, I have been struggling with this for weeks now. I have talked to my Mom and a close friend about it and they have mixed feelings about the subject. My boyfriend is now saying we should go where we want to go and to ignore the fact that they are there. Well, I guess my problem is that I feel like the old feelings of insecurity will come back if she is living that close to us and I will go back to not trusting him again...wondering if every time he leaves the house he is headed that way and things like that.

I had those feelings for a long time. But, it has also been a long time now that I have NOT had those feelings and I don't want to go back there. It's a terrible way to live. He has assured and reassured me that I don't have to worry about anything like that...but...

I guess I am just wondering what you would do in this siutation. We both love the house we picked there and everything else truly seems like we would be settling for less than what we want, and where we want it.

Thanks for listening.
post #2 of 23
I can understand both sides of your problem, since I have had to absolutely love every house I've lived in, never mind bought, and I lost best friends in the same way a few years ago and can't imagine living down the street from them.

It's a tough one... you said they only have a certain number of lots available now, and all are nearby. Could you wait 6 months or more until they release some more lots that are further away? You could ask at the developer's office what the plans for the future are, maybe they're building the "perfect" house somewhere nearby but not in the same neighbourhood...

Or you could take it as a sign that this is not the right thing right now. When my husband and I went looking for our first house a few years ago, we decided we would have a house built, not buy a pre-owned one. We picked a price range and an area we wanted, and made a list of all the features we wanted in a house. We looked and looked at every builder's houses, made changes to our list as we went along, looked at different areas, etc. etc. until we were sick of it. We still couldn't find anything to make us happy. After a few months of *not* looking at houses, we happened to drive by a model that we had discounted very early in the process. We looked at each other, and pulled into the parking lot without even speaking. We went in, looked around for 5 minutes, and headed to the sales office to buy it. Not only did we love it, but we also made $60K when we sold it this summer to move to a bigger house that cost less money and we paid off all our debts from school and times of unemployment. Sometimes you just have to listen to what fate is telling you.

The best way to check your decision is to make it. If you feel horrible about it, then you can change it before you do anything. If it's OK, then move ahead. Only you two can decide what will work. If it was me, I'd just let it be for a few months. Right now, either decision seems like it would be the wrong one, so putting it off might not be a bad idea...
post #3 of 23
Okay, here is my two cents worth of opinion....I would not live anywhere NEAR this person if I were you!!!!!
Your relationship to this man is far more important than living in the exact "perfect place".

I am sure others will disagree with me...but my feelings are that if you and he were somehow able to deal with this whole issue, and put it behind you, (which in itself had to be a huge task....because quite frankly, I would not have handled it nearly as well as you, and would not even be able to work with this person, let alone live anywhere near her) then there is no need to add anymore stress to it, and put the fear of him being with her again anywhere that it will bother you.

Because, even if he has no desire to ever see her or be around her...just knowing she lives so close will eventually eat away at you, and cause problems for you two. Even if he would NEVER in a million years ever do it again, why put yourself in the position of wondering? Which is what I would do..wonder. And fret, and make things out of nothing....if she even said hi to him and I saw it, I would flip out and accuse him of doing it don't do this to yourself, or him. Live as far away from this horrible person (and she has to be horrible to have done that to her best friend) as possible.

Just my 2 cents.
post #4 of 23
I just want to add...if you need to talk to someone about this, let me know and I will give you my phone number so we can talk.

I know a little of what you are going through, because my best friend hurt me very badly, and it still really hurts me...even though she didn't sleep with my husband, she hurt me very I do know what it is like to love a friend and trust them, and have them spit it back in your face.( Can't tell I'm bitter can you?) Only what your friend did to you is far worse than what mine did. And I still work with her, so I can sympathize with you there....seeing her every day makes it even harder. Don't live next to her too...that's my advice.
post #5 of 23
this is simple. you do not want to live some where you don't feel comfortable. you will never be happy. you don't want to lay in bed at night and worry about this tramp! i think you already know your answer.
post #6 of 23
I agree Cozy.
post #7 of 23
Last summer, my husband deserted me, for a supposed "friend". I can't imagine living in the same TOWN, much less, the same development. Although Bill and I are solid and I love him, very much, the pain is, still there. Sometimes, you HAVE to avoid things that hurt you.
post #8 of 23
Find someplace else to live. Definitley.
post #9 of 23
Sorry, have to agree - find somewhere else to live or this will eat away at you forever! I'm am positive that you'll find somewhere else that you'll love just as much! Might take a bit of patience but it will be worth it

post #10 of 23
Thread Starter 
Deb- Thanks for the offer of talking it out. Although I can't begin to tell you how much and how many times I have talked about this over the past 3 years. But knowing that someone is there is a nice feeling. And no, I can't tell that you are bitter at all!

And yes, it is very hard having to see her every day at work. But it gets even BF also works for the sme company and his group recently moved into the same building where I am (and SHE is)right in the same wing! Isn't that lovely? You know I think I just answered my own question. I remember how sick to my stomach I felt when he moved there...I couldn't sleep at night, couldn't eat, always looking over the cube wall to see if he was away from his desk. And if he was? Where do you think I looked next? And if SHE was? OK...time to take a trip around the building. Ridiculous I know...but I couldn't help it. And she acts as if nothing happened and invites me over for dinner and stuff! Tries to still be friends with me. Can you imagine!!! I almost quit my job to avoid her, but I have a really good job that I have worked very hard to get and I make really good money. I just couldn't bring myself to give up my livelihood because of her. I have given up enough already. My relationship, my home (I ended uo having to sell my house after he moved out...another long story..., some mutual friends of ours (more tramps I guess), my sanity for a while, a very good friend in her husband, and now probably this house. And I didn't handle it all that well for a long time...this happened 3 years ago and it is probably on the past year or so that I have been "normal" so to speak (thanks to my wonderful therapist!)

dtolle - Life has given me SO many lemons in the past 3 years...I am SICK of lemonade! For example, this "tramp" as 7cozycats so eloquently named her (and I am being NICE when I call her that) made this "move" on him on a night when we had had a pretty bad argument and he was drunk. They didn't actually "sleep together" that night, but he felt so guilty for even fooling around with her that he moved out the next day. 3 weeks before our wedding. Oh, and guess who was supposed to be my maid of dishonor? She then pursued him and they ended up spending a couple of weekends together. I caught her though (I had had my suspicions about her long before this happened). I had her husband tap their home phone and he taped some interesting conversations between the two of them. He then proceeded to change the locks on the door on a night that she had left to go meet him. HA! He also removed everything in the house that she had said on the phone that SHE was taking when he wasn't there so he couldn't have them. HA HA! We were sitting in the house in the dark when she came home but could see her out on the porch. She was SO mad when her key didn't fit the lock! the way...we did find a house that we like enough as a second choice (should we decide to go that way). It's right behind her sister's house I just discovered (in a nearby development). Can I go NOWHERE in the state of Delaware without this tramp being right there? Or one of her family members? My GOD! More lemonade...

Thanks to all for their advice and suggestions...
post #11 of 23
...chiming in with the same response. I would avoid that development like the plague! It's bad enough that everyone involved has to work in such close contact. I would not want that seeping over into my personal life as well.
post #12 of 23
I would also agree with what everyone has said. I am sure they will release more lots in a different area. Most new home developers do that.
post #13 of 23
I liked how you called her your maid of Dishonor...that was good!!!! Man, that had to have been hard to go through just three weeks before you were supposed to get married!!!! I am sure you had everything all planned and paid for. It sounds like her husband got even with her though....taking all the things she wanted to keep...although you can't really call that "even" since what she did was soooo far worse than losing some material posessions. Did her husband divorce her then? As far as losing some "mutual" friends over it, they must not have been true friends to begin with if they would take her side in this.

Just out of curiosity what made you suspect that there wassomething going on between them? You said you had been suspicious of her, I am just curious.
post #14 of 23
You have answered your own question and I am glad about that. A house is just a possession - but your peace of mind and marital happiness have no price tag.
I think you will love another house just fine!
post #15 of 23
I expect you've worked out what to do by now, but another two cents: I agree with everyone, especially JulieB. Take it as a sign. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if it isn't immediately apparent to us at the time. Take it as a sign that you wouldn't end up happy in that development, despite what you think now. Your patience with your boyfriend is, happily, going to result in marriage despite the rocky road. Make sure you live in a home where your relationship can bloom unfettered! :tounge2:
post #16 of 23
Here's my two cents...even though it seems that you all ready have your mind made up. I would DEFINITELY NOT live anywhere near her! Its bad enough that you already work with her and have to live with the fact that you have to see her everyday, eventhough I'm sure you don't want to see her for the rest of your life.

I know that you feel that this house in the development is the perfect house for you, but believe me, you don't want to have to worry about seeing her or running in to her almost everyday, let alone having to worry about your bf-eventhough he wouldn't do anything.

Keep looking (and I wouldn't choose the development behind his sisters' house either because you are bound to run into her whenever they have family get-togethers.)

Just keep looking and soon enough, the right house will show up out of the blue.

Good luck with house hunting. Let us know what you decide on.
post #17 of 23
I agree. There are few accidents, I believe. Stay away from her as much as possible, and stay away from anyone or anything that reminds you of her. If you don't, the memories will fester, and you will begin to have doubts. You know that she pursued your husband before, despite your friendship. Unless she has changed drastically, she could pursue him again. Or you might get terribly mistrusting for no reason at all.
I believe there is a master plan for our lives. When you think your way is the best, and it doesn't work out, wait a while. In my experience, what I wanted was not nearly as wonderful as what God had in mind. Be wise. Stay away from troublesome people and situations that may cause heartache.
post #18 of 23
Thread Starter 
I just wanted to thank everyone for listening and offering advice. The past few years have been really difficult and it sometimes helps to hear what other people think and have to say. Especially people who are removed from the situation.

We went out again yesterday and found another house that we really like. It is in the same town, but in another development. It is actually bigger than the original house but costs about the same. It is like a dream house for us and, after everything that we have been through...I can't believe that this is actually happening for us. It seemed for a while that things would never get better and I would never feel good about my life again. I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways. The best part is that our relationship is better than it was before.

We put money down on a lot and we go Saturday to sign our contract. We visited this development before, but I think that we were both so upset by the situation we were facing, that we didn't really see what we were looking at right in front of our faces.

We are really excited! And Jedi will have sooo much room to run around and play! We are in a 1 bedroom apartment now and I feel so sorry for the little guy sometimes. I know he wants to go out and splunk because he has seen all there is to see here a million times already!

Anyhoo, thanks again for all the advice, thoughts and well wishes. You are a great bunch of gals!
post #19 of 23
Oh, I truly am so happy for you!

I just knew things would work out for you - you're right, sometimes it just takes some advice and opinions from those who are far removed (without hidden agendas) to help put things into perspective. I'm so glad that things are now coming together - let go of the past and move on with your very exciting future!

All the best,
post #20 of 23
Thread Starter 
post #21 of 23
I'm so glad to hear things worked out for you!!!!! Congratulations on your new house!
post #22 of 23
I'm so happy to hear that you've found a compromise... the path to a happy life is to hold on tightly but let go lightly. Go after your dreams with all your energy, but if it doesn't work quite the way you planned, just adjust and move on.

I remember what you are going through right now - it's so exciting to be getting a new house, a place of your own. Enjoy it!
post #23 of 23
Congratulations on finding a new house!!
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