I'm sick of this!!! (Sorry Long)

I am so angry right now. I'm sorry I just need to vent, otherwise I can't finish up my last mid term...

I am so tired of my relationship. I know mentally I'm pretty much done. Short of a miracle it will be hard for me to get back to where we use to be (and that miracle is him seeking therapy and sticking to it).

Basically whenever he is in physical pain, he makes any excuse necessary (it seems) to bring me down. He'll yell or snap at me and it has gotten bad within the past couple of months.

Yesterday he fell and hurt his back. So I went out of my way (since I took the week off for final exams) to clean off the couch and the coffee table, precooked some pizzas (so that when I got home from my exam I could just throw them in the oven) and got him his sodas and spent time with him.
This morning I got up with him and was helping him get ready, but since he was in the shower/then getting dressed, there wasn't much to do so I began to brush the cats (they needed it).

The first thing that happened was that we heard an advertisement to enhance reading skills. We were picking at the commercial saying "reading doesn't make you smarter, retention makes you smarter" Then he said "Yes that's why I'm better at (Game) than you, because I can remember things longer"

He asked me to fill his bag up with soda (he has a disgusting soda addiction). Not realizing the time I kept brushing Whitey since he had a lot of knots in his fur. B came back by and said "Can you do it NOW?"
So I as I didn't like the tone that was taken with me.
As soon as he heard that, he quickly says "Forget it, if you didn't want to help you should've just said so."

When he made the comment about why he's better at the game, ummm...if he's smarter then me, then why am I the breadwinner of the relationship? The only reason why he's better is because when he comes home from work, he just sits in his room playing that game while I'm either stuck in traffic coming home, at class (earning my masters) or cooking, cleaning, playing with the cats, doing homework, etc.

Its hard as we have been together for 3 years now. It just seems like the past year has been the hardest on us. He was without a job until April, and during that time really abusive. I figured that things would go away once he got a job and felt confident, but it just hasn't. something really changed in him from when he was without a job.
I have suggested therapy to him, and he thinks a) there's nothing wrong or b) he can resolve whatever issue he has on his own, after all he is a social worker.

Thanks for listening gals and guys!

Well, you can't fix someone who has had their spirit broken, which losing a job can do to someone. And if you are already thinking things are over, they probably have been for awhile. The holidays tend to make us cling to thinkgs we normally would let go of, so maybe you are hanging on for that.

You sound like a strong independent woman who can take of herself and her responsibilities. He sounds like he needs to grow up. Sorry if that sounds harsh, JMHO from your perspective. Only one I have to go off of, so unless he starts posting here.... which might enlighten him some. Borderlines on therapy almost....

Good luck with your head and your heart.

All I know to offer is a and hopes that you find out what is your best plan of action. But what I do know is that emotional and mental abuse eventually lead to physical abuse and if you feel that it is headed that way I would get out before its too late. Try seeking therapy for yourself to help you deal with what is going on as well. and I hope this all works out.

Sounds like this relationship has reached a dead end - he's the dead part. Seriously, you sound as though you firmly have both feet on the ground and are making great efforts to better yourself and get your education. JMHO, but it appears to me that he is jealous of your accomplishments and uses any opportunity to bring you down in order to build himself up (at least in his mind).

He has been abusive for quite some time now and you've permitted it. It won't get better, especially as he doesn't see that he has a problem. I would almost bet that he believes you have the problem and he's a great guy to put up with you.

I think you have a choice to make - let this relationship go and move on toward a future relationship based on mutual respect and love, OR, stay in this relationship and watch it deteriorate to a point where you are both miserable.

I think you know which direction I would recommend you go.

I second everything Neet said, and as much as you may want to hold on for the holidays, the holidays can also bring out the worst in people. If you think it is over, it may be the perfect time to spend some 'you' time and decide exactly what you want to do.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. You are an intellegent woman and deserve not to be treated this way. I know what it is like to have a long term relationship go the wrong way and the not feeling anything mentally anymore. Personally I do not know him, but having met you I know that there is someone out there that will love and respect you just as you are. They would be honored to have such a smart, fun loving girl!

I will be sending " stay strong vibes your way and if you ever need to talk PM me anytime! I am a good listener and got myself out a horrible relationship and ended up with the sweetest, kindess man so if I can do it I KNOW you can!
Take Care! Jodi

Thanks guys

You know, he's really been on a "trial run" since August. We had a big blow up then about the relationship where I told him what I wanted out of a relationship and that I didn't want to be someone's maid while still having to bring in the cash.

And yes, I was in therapy earlier this year because I was very depressed (about having to the man in this relationship :lol3), but for other things as well.

The thing that I find funny, and this is what got me to wake up a bit. He's a social worker and right now he has a Bachelor's degree. Currently he has no plans on going back for his Masters because he thinks he can "work" the equivilient of a Masters by doing what he is doing now (Supervising volunteers) and volunteering to be a VP for the local Jaycees chapter. That's what he is like...he puts all of his eggs into one basket then is disappointed, goes through a huge depression when it doesn't work out and then repeats the cycle all over again. I.e. he did with job interviews...and then when things didn't work out, he almost looked for things that he could cut me down with.

I guess a part of me hoped things would get better, but at this point I know I'm kidding myself.

PS, I think right now the only thing that's holding me to him is Whitey. He's such a great cat and I love him so much that I just don't want to get to that point of Who gets Whitey?

(Whitey is both of our cats...without B I would've never taken in Whitey, but without me, Whitey wouldn't get played with, fed properly, his litter box cleaned, vet appointments, etc).

Originally Posted by lunasmom

Basically whenever he is in physical pain, he makes any excuse necessary (it seems) to bring me down. He'll yell or snap at me and it has gotten bad within the past couple of months....................
It just seems like the past year has been the hardest on us. He was without a job until April, and during that time really abusive. I figured that things would go away once he got a job and felt confident, but it just hasn't.

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Originally Posted by neetanddave

You sound like a strong independent woman who can take of herself and her responsibilities. He sounds like he needs to grow up.

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Originally Posted by Yosemite

JMHO, but it appears to me that he is jealous of your accomplishments and uses any opportunity to bring you down in order to build himself up (at least in his mind).

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Read your quote above and then read the following two quotes from neetanddave and Yosemite. They summarize my thoughts.

Can I ask you to think about one thing? You mention you are supporting him, trying to make his life better. You are going to school, the main financial contributor, working around the house etc. How much has he done to support you (mentally, physically, financially)? Is he actually trying to make your life better in this relationship? If you were on your own right now, how much of his contributions would be missing?

A healthy and productive relationship is giving support and being supported throughout the good and bad times that you share. Everyone has their bad moments, but do they outweigh the good ones?

Just something to think about.

Awww Jenney having been down this very same road myself 2 years ago, I can tell you that it doesn't really get better. I was the bread winner and the main cleaner/cooker/shopper, while he sat around playing Playstation. My ex was not outright abusive, but his indifference was still as damaging as spoken put-downs. Since working up the courage to end things with him, right between Chritmas and New Year's no less, many people have commented to me how much happier I am now. I guess I never really realized how miserable I appeared to folks, I knew I was unhappy, but thought I hid it. No one is worth making yourself miserable, lots of strength vibes to you, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm only a PM away

Originally Posted by lunasmom

PS, I think right now the only thing that's holding me to him is Whitey. He's such a great cat and I love him so much that I just don't want to get to that point of Who gets Whitey?

(Whitey is both of our cats...without B I would've never taken in Whitey, but without me, Whitey wouldn't get played with, fed properly, his litter box cleaned, vet appointments, etc).

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Since you are the current breadwinner, just tell him nicely that you'll take care of both cats until he gets on his feet and settled. Chances are he won't ask for Whitey after he's settled into his own place. (Possession is 9/10ths of the law and all that.) You can always use the very good excuse that Luna and Whitey would both be miserable if they were separated now.

Originally Posted by lunasmom

Its hard as we have been together for 3 years now. It just seems like the past year has been the hardest on us. He was without a job until April, and during that time really abusive. I figured that things would go away once he got a job and felt confident, but it just hasn't. something really changed in him from when he was without a job.
I have suggested therapy to him, and he thinks a) there's nothing wrong or b) he can resolve whatever issue he has on his own, after all he is a social worker.

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Look, if you're describing your relationship as abusive, you need to be out of it.

And since his reason to therapy is that he doesn't need it, clearly he is in no mood to change his behaviour.

Originally Posted by lunasmom

PS, I think right now the only thing that's holding me to him is Whitey. He's such a great cat and I love him so much that I just don't want to get to that point of Who gets Whitey?

(Whitey is both of our cats...without B I would've never taken in Whitey, but without me, Whitey wouldn't get played with, fed properly, his litter box cleaned, vet appointments, etc).

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These things can be solved. The primary carer generally takes the kids, BTW.

On the who get's whitney I would say whoever does the most in his primary care. And since you are better able to provide for him you would. I would talk to a lawyer about everything that is going on and see what they think. And tell them your concerns for your cats as well.

I remember seeing an article a while back that a woman won "custody" of the cat because her name was on the vet bills...so since my name is there, technically according to that judge, I would be the keeper of Whitey.

However, Luna and Whitey don't really get a long. Luna (my cat) doesn't seem to get a long with any other cat. It's rare that we see either of them play together.

Originally Posted by lunasmom

I remember seeing an article a while back that a woman won "custody" of the cat because her name was on the vet bills...so since my name is there, technically according to that judge, I would be the keeper of Whitey.

However, Luna and Whitey don't really get a long. Luna (my cat) doesn't seem to get a long with any other cat. It's rare that we see either of them play together.

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Playing together at all is a good sign.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Good luck with your decision.

Eh, he tried to take a cat he'd get flowers while in the hospital.

I think your head knows what to do but your heart is hanging on. Sometimes we just have to turn off our hearts for a little while so the brain can take over and do what needs done.

Just don't forget to turn your heart back on after everything is over, cause you will find someone someday who will make it skip a beat: you just have to have it turned on for them.

Originally Posted by neetanddave

I think your head knows what to do but your heart is hanging on. Sometimes we just have to turn off our hearts for a little while so the brain can take over and do what needs done.

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So very true

Originally Posted by neetanddave

Eh, he tried to take a cat he'd get flowers while in the hospital.

I think your head knows what to do but your heart is hanging on. Sometimes we just have to turn off our hearts for a little while so the brain can take over and do what needs done.

Just don't forget to turn your heart back on after everything is over, cause you will find someone someday who will make it skip a beat: you just have to have it turned on for them.

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Excellent advice.

Thanks again everyone...

I know...its so hard to say "no" when there are feelings involved. I have a feeling that he was planning to propose to me this Christmas (hints that were dropped and according to my friend he was suppose to propose around my birthday too...but I think that there are too many things wrong with the relationship. I've changed for him, but he hasn't changed for me.

ughh...the poor cats. They've been hissing at each other, so I've been yelling at them. Whitey helps me out by playing "police cop". Whenever he see a cat get in trouble, he's standing right next to me as if "OK, mom, what do you want me to do? Corner them? Smack them around? I'll do it mom I'll do it!".

And Luna's been extra lovey and sweet...she's been either on my lap or giving me Luna hugs.