I'm sick of this!!! (Sorry Long)

Originally Posted by lunasmom

I am so tired of my relationship. I know mentally I'm pretty much done. Short of a miracle it will be hard for me to get back to where we use to be (and that miracle is him seeking therapy and sticking to it).

He was without a job until April, and during that time really abusive. I figured that things would go away once he got a job and felt confident, but it just hasn't. something really changed in him from when he was without a job.
I have suggested therapy to him, and he thinks a) there's nothing wrong or b) he can resolve whatever issue he has on his own, after all he is a social worker.

Thanks for listening gals and guys!

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I've selectively picked parts of your post to comment on because to me they are the most important.

I'm not going to gussy up my post to you and pat you on the head and tell you things are going to be ok. Because they aren't!

Get out now!

I've been in an abusive relationship and after almost 5 years managed to escape with my life. Why did I stick around so long? Because I always believed his promises that he has changed, or he was sorry, or that it won't happen again. I always made up excuses for him as to why he did and said the things he did. I justified what he was doing to me! Just like you are doing now.

Stop enabling him by making excuses for him!

There are all kinds of abuse, not just physical. There is emotional abuse (ignores you or withholds affection), mental abuse (implying you are dumb or telling you that you never do anything right), psycological abuse (manipulation tactics and mind games and guilt), and physical abuse (hitting, pushing etc).

Being off work didn't turn your husband into the abusive person that he is. He was always that abusive person. You just haven't seen it clearly until recently. The traits were always there and I'll bet that if you look back with 20/20 hindesight clarity that you will see that, and that the only reason you are noticing it now is because it's escalating.

I don't know the extent of his abuse other than what you have recently disclosed. I don't know if he has physically hit you or not. The fact is that this man is abusing you and you are seeing it and you are allowing him to continue by remaining.

You deserve so much better in life than to be with someone who treats you like a sub-class human being. You aren't his door mat.

Get out! Leave! Move back home, get your own apartment, stay with a friend...anything. Just get out!

His abusive nature is his problem, not yours. There is nothing you can do to stop it because you have no control over him. The only way he will seek treatment is if he admits and accepts that he has a serious problem and seeks treatment himself.

If and when he seeks treatment then talk about reconciling, but don't rush back as soon as he starts treatment or based on promises that he will.

You might think that leaving is a drastic thing. However, better to be safe than sorry and end up as a statistic on a stone slab in a morgue.

My relationship encompassed all of the abuse forms. It took me almost 5 years to get out, but I finally did. My self esteem was totally shot, and I felt worthless. I have volunteered in abuse shelters since then, and I have seen so many women with stories are just like yours or started out just like yours and escalated over time.

Originally Posted by lunasmom

I know...its so hard to say "no" when there are feelings involved. I have a feeling that he was planning to propose to me this Christmas (hints that were dropped and according to my friend he was suppose to propose around my birthday too...but I think that there are too many things wrong with the relationship. I've changed for him, but he hasn't changed for me.

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You do not want to be marrying that guy! He abuses you now, think of how it will be once you are his wife and he thinks he owns you.

As for changing. Get into a relationship and accept each other as you both are, don't seek to change or be changed.

Find yourself a guy who loves you and treats you like he loves you and who accepts you for the person that you are. You don't abuse and demean someone you love.

If I commented on the relationship, I would just be repeating what others have already said. So I'll just say "Ditto" and offer and support for you.

On the subject of the cats, though...has it occurred to you that perhaps the cats aren't getting along because of the amount of stress that is in the house? We all know how empathic cats are to people's feelings, and it seems to me that they are acting out and not getting along with each other because of the negativity that is in the home.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, that has to be your choice, I am the kind of person that says don't accept anything less then you think you deserve.
I have watched My Sis-in-law go through hell for the last 15 years, listening to promises and him not working, but for years of that his folks always stepped up and took care of bills and such, she is 62 he is some 15 years younger, I can't stand him for what he has done to her Spirit, but then it's her fault for letting him do that. I think Dr Phil has it right on the head when he says you teach people how to treat you.
He has gone to Collage for god knows how many years and he does it to keep from having to work, he's useless, worthless, and helpless and hopeless as far as I'm concerned, His Folks have ruined him from ever becoming a MAN.
The last time she let him come back I was so angry, but I thought stop put some duck tape on your mouth and quit she's not going to do anything, she's so dang needy and I could understand if her provided her with the things she needs but he doesn't. He's lawsuit happy trying to get get get instead of earning it. They have nothing in common they haven't slept together for at least 10 years come on there's nothing there to save nothing...
You will do what's right for you, if you can just figure out all the pluses and minuses with or without him. You need to do what's right for your future he must not have any ideas about his. I wish you luck and hope that you can do whats right for you because only you know what that is, don't think with your Heart think with your head, don't be needy and settle.

Originally Posted by Yosemite

Since you are the current breadwinner, just tell him nicely that you'll take care of both cats until he gets on his feet and settled.

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Sounds like you are ready for a change!

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

Well I just asked him why he made the comment this morning (of the game). Of course he mocked me...saying that its [with cuss words] that its ridiculous for me to be mad at him for that.

He asked if that was the reason why I hadn't put the clothes away...

and did as I predicted...walked away and went into his man cave.

And you are right Heidi...I think Luna knows what's going on. As soon as he left, she came in and sniffed me. I'll think of it as her checking up on he

Oh sweety, I have been there and I know its hard

Here is my tidbit, and think about is closely because it makes alot of sense:

You only have one life hun, if you think that you could be happier than you are with him, you need to leave. There is no sense wasting precious time on someone who doesn't make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world. You deserve WAY better than someone who treats you any less than incredible.

I recently ended my relationship of 3 years, and I now live alone with Trout. Even though some days I am lonely, it was the best thing I ever did. I feel proud, strong and independant and I never felt like that with my ex..I just felt kinda trapped and often wondered what else was out there for me.

Its not easy to think about..the saddest part for me was anticipating ending it, and even now when I look back and think about it, I get emotional. THAT was the hardest thing, telling him.

Please think about this, really think about it and listen to your heart. It will tell you as it told me, what you need to do.

Good luck sweety, and if you need to talk..I am here for you. I am (unfortunately) an expert in this forte.

oh, Jenney, this sounds so much like my relationship Please please please sit down and really think about what are the positives in this realtionship versus the negatives, I think you will find that the negatives outweigh the positives by a ton. Its tough striking out on your own after a long-term relationship, but, and this is going to sound really corny, but it is SO true.... like a phoenix rising from the ashes, you will be stronger and more vibrant than ever before. do not let him destroy you

I'm really in no position to be giving you advice, as my husband and I have been through a living hell together the past two years, and I've chosen to stay. But I've been in YOUR shoes before in previous relationships.

Some of us are natural-born caregivers. We tend to attract people who we perceive as needing our "help" in figuring out their lives, and in doing so, sacrafice important parts of ourselves in the name of "saving" someone. Throughout our efforts, we often forget to save ourselves...and end up over-extending ourselves, feeling taken advantage-of, feeling torn between an obligation to "see things through" with the person, without really acknowledging our OWN needs.

Personally, I would not even consider marrying this person at this point, if I were you. I'm not telling you to end it, and I'm not telling you to stay. But I am advising you against accepting his proposal until you have clearer idea of what it is that YOU'RE getting out of this relationship. And hey, it's okay to acknowledge and that you love him, and have feelings...it's probably true. It just may not be the KIND of love that you need.

Take care of YOU, and do what has to be done for you, and if you decide to terminate the relationship, please don't hang on to any guilt. You may be doing him a favor...but that isn't for you to worry about, either. Do what is right for YOU, and things will be a lot more clear down the road.

So we just had "the talk". I basically told him that I wasn't happy in this relationship anymore, that I haven't been in the past few weeks and that I'm sick and tired of having to feel like I'm worthless by him.
So once again, I had to use this morning as an example. He tried to turn it into a "It's OK I said that because..." and I stopped him. I had to explain to him that since we are 2 different people, he and I should not even compare one to the other. We should just accept our strengths and weaknesses as a part of who we are rather than acknowledging them.

I also gave him other examples and *ahem* said that he reminds me of my mother.

Of course I had to elaborate at that point. I basically told hiim that growing up I was never good enough for my mom. I fell short in the kitchen, never wore the right shoes, never dressed correctly and never received good enough grades.

I also told him that its embarrassing to me to be mocked in front of my family as well (my mom and I talked briefly tonight).

And no, no marriage proposal for me. I am definitely aware that we're not in the marriage mode.

So I'll give him a shorter trial run. see what happens. I think right now since I'm finishing up my finals I just don't want to deal with any whiney man right now and put my grades in jeopardy.

Ps, and yes I am pathetic for not breaking it off.
I don't know why I keep hanging on.

He did say that he doesn't realise that he mocks me or belittles me. I know this isn't something that will change overnight if ever.

People don't just change their personality. It can't be done...If I know one thing, its that you deserve better because this will not change.

Originally Posted by lunasmom

So we just had "the talk". I basically told him that I wasn't happy in this relationship anymore, that I haven't been in the past few weeks and that I'm sick and tired of having to feel like I'm worthless by him.
So once again, I had to use this morning as an example. He tried to turn it into a "It's OK I said that because..." and I stopped him. I had to explain to him that since we are 2 different people, he and I should not even compare one to the other. We should just accept our strengths and weaknesses as a part of who we are rather than acknowledging them.

I also gave him other examples and *ahem* said that he reminds me of my mother.

Of course I had to elaborate at that point. I basically told hiim that growing up I was never good enough for my mom. I fell short in the kitchen, never wore the right shoes, never dressed correctly and never received good enough grades.

I also told him that its embarrassing to me to be mocked in front of my family as well (my mom and I talked briefly tonight).

And no, no marriage proposal for me. I am definitely aware that we're not in the marriage mode.

So I'll give him a shorter trial run. see what happens. I think right now since I'm finishing up my finals I just don't want to deal with any whiney man right now and put my grades in jeopardy.

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Can you pack up some stuff, and the cats, and stay at a friends/family member's house during finals? That way you can put off making a final decision until they are over, and still give yourself some space from him - a break up might be "too much" for you to deal with right now, but you don't have to live in the same house, either.

Originally Posted by Satai

Can you pack up some stuff, and the cats, and stay at a friends/family member's house during finals? That way you can put off making a final decision until they are over, and still give yourself some space from him - a break up might be "too much" for you to deal with right now, but you don't have to live in the same house, either.

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He'll be fine the next few days. Usually once I confront him, he backs down and watches what he says around me. In addition he's leaving for Vegas next week, so I really won't have to deal with him until Christmas/after Christmas.

Believe me too...there are days that I wish the lease wasn't in my name, as its a little easier to pack up and leave.

Yes, I know it will happen again. Time will only tell win. Hopefully by then I have my heart fully turned off and my head turned on...being back in school helps turn my head on. Part of me realises that I do the same thing to him too. When I get stressed I tend to snap at him more...but I don't compare me to him.

THanks again for listening guys!

Originally Posted by lunasmom

Ps, and yes I am pathetic for not breaking it off.
I don't know why I keep hanging on.

He did say that he doesn't realise that he mocks me or belittles me. I know this isn't something that will change overnight if ever.

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Originally Posted by lunasmom

Believe me too...there are days that I wish the lease wasn't in my name, as its a little easier to pack up and leave.

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You are already under a lot of pressure from everything in your life right now that the idea of adding the additional task of kicking him out can be overwhelming.

To echo everyone already, a relationship is mutual. For it to work, there must be give and take on both sides. If you aren't receiving support from him, then it isn't a good relationship. You can get angry with one another but what he does is to belittle you and that isn't supportive.

Concentrate on what needs to be done and come up with a plan on how to proceed getting him out of your life.

Good luck.

Jenney,
You are the only one that has to make the decision on where you want this relationship to go. You will know in time in your heart and mind what the right thing to do is, and only you can decide when that will be.
Just remember that we are here for you no matter what you decide.
Take Good Care of yourself, you deserve it!
Good luck on the mid terms!

Well, the benefit to the lease being in your name is that you have control over who lives there. Legally you can ask him to leave, and if he doesn't you can have him removed from the property. Hopefully things will not get ugly, but you do have some legal backing by being the breadwinner.

and more good luck to you. Good luck with the finals, and then moving on to deal with the rest of things.