I cannot even write the word. The thought of this finality is something my heart rejects and refuses to accept. The pain is so acute and so unbearable.
The loss is of such magnitude. I have had a very difficult, deprived life in which everything I ever loved, everybody I ever cared for, were taken away from me. Panda was the only treasure left. Yes, I do have two more cats, but he was so much more. I don't know how to live without him. it is not that I feel suicidal, But how does one proceed in an exsistence which has been devoid of the sun, the light, the only precious moments of pure intoxicating delight of the love - profound and rare that he has given me? Because he was a special cat, believe me I had many. I will not describe all his qualities now, exept this one - he knew how to love. He was the sole comfort of my miserable, worthless life. I don't know how to sleep without him. I lye in bed and my extended limb, composed of my own flesh and blood, curling beside me, two heads on a pillow - ismissing, yes, two more cats, but the house is all of a sudden empty and hollow and loveless.
Between bouts of bitter crying, I'm having a no less bitter argument with god. The scriptures, in many religions, I believe, say that nobody is given the ammount of pain that he cannot take. I am disputting that. I have told you in former posts that I have a mental condition. At first, when I just learned I've lost him my immediate instinct was to hurt myself. Many people do not understand cutting, while it is very simple really - it is done to transfer heartache to physical pain - one can cope with that but not with the other.
There is such thing as people who feel too much, or maybe it is just people who cannot deal with pain. But I didn't. In a way I do not want the pain to stop, as if as long as this pain is present - so is Panda. Not yet a mere memory no, not yet.
People are very kind and understanding. Those who knew him loved him as well - at first sight and even more so on second, and knowing what he meant to me they know how bad it is and are worried about me. I have a psychiatric support system, but I don't want or need their help at the moment. Grieving is a natural emotion, isn't it? and time heals, they say, but right now time is unsubstantial, it stands still. For me every clock in the world has two silky white paws which do not move anymore. Washy is pyning as well. She keeps looking for him everywhere, calling for him - her adored big uncle. it doesn't makes things easier. I try to sooth her, but I have very little strenght left. I just pray she doesn't get depressed - I have seen that before in cats who'd lost a companion cat.
Thank you all for your support. I know I am among people who understand.
As for the particulars - Shortly after my update post, Panda collapsed, vomiting, convulsing, and went into shock. I met the vet in the clinic at 11pm and he was given intensive care. I want to believe he did not suffer, since he was semi-conscious, or maybe not at all - it was hard to tell. The vet said he suspected a brain shock. He was hypothermic (34 celcius), high sugar levels in blood, almost no reflexes, dialated pupils. He worked on him for two hours, but could not raise his body temperature. if he made it through the night, he would have had a brain CT. He died calmly during the night.
And that as they say - is that
the death of a cat
along with a chunck of my heart
bitten away.
rachel
The loss is of such magnitude. I have had a very difficult, deprived life in which everything I ever loved, everybody I ever cared for, were taken away from me. Panda was the only treasure left. Yes, I do have two more cats, but he was so much more. I don't know how to live without him. it is not that I feel suicidal, But how does one proceed in an exsistence which has been devoid of the sun, the light, the only precious moments of pure intoxicating delight of the love - profound and rare that he has given me? Because he was a special cat, believe me I had many. I will not describe all his qualities now, exept this one - he knew how to love. He was the sole comfort of my miserable, worthless life. I don't know how to sleep without him. I lye in bed and my extended limb, composed of my own flesh and blood, curling beside me, two heads on a pillow - ismissing, yes, two more cats, but the house is all of a sudden empty and hollow and loveless.
Between bouts of bitter crying, I'm having a no less bitter argument with god. The scriptures, in many religions, I believe, say that nobody is given the ammount of pain that he cannot take. I am disputting that. I have told you in former posts that I have a mental condition. At first, when I just learned I've lost him my immediate instinct was to hurt myself. Many people do not understand cutting, while it is very simple really - it is done to transfer heartache to physical pain - one can cope with that but not with the other.
There is such thing as people who feel too much, or maybe it is just people who cannot deal with pain. But I didn't. In a way I do not want the pain to stop, as if as long as this pain is present - so is Panda. Not yet a mere memory no, not yet.
People are very kind and understanding. Those who knew him loved him as well - at first sight and even more so on second, and knowing what he meant to me they know how bad it is and are worried about me. I have a psychiatric support system, but I don't want or need their help at the moment. Grieving is a natural emotion, isn't it? and time heals, they say, but right now time is unsubstantial, it stands still. For me every clock in the world has two silky white paws which do not move anymore. Washy is pyning as well. She keeps looking for him everywhere, calling for him - her adored big uncle. it doesn't makes things easier. I try to sooth her, but I have very little strenght left. I just pray she doesn't get depressed - I have seen that before in cats who'd lost a companion cat.
Thank you all for your support. I know I am among people who understand.
As for the particulars - Shortly after my update post, Panda collapsed, vomiting, convulsing, and went into shock. I met the vet in the clinic at 11pm and he was given intensive care. I want to believe he did not suffer, since he was semi-conscious, or maybe not at all - it was hard to tell. The vet said he suspected a brain shock. He was hypothermic (34 celcius), high sugar levels in blood, almost no reflexes, dialated pupils. He worked on him for two hours, but could not raise his body temperature. if he made it through the night, he would have had a brain CT. He died calmly during the night.
And that as they say - is that
the death of a cat
along with a chunck of my heart
bitten away.
rachel
