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PANDA - the separation: how do I go on?

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
I cannot even write the word. The thought of this finality is something my heart rejects and refuses to accept. The pain is so acute and so unbearable.
The loss is of such magnitude. I have had a very difficult, deprived life in which everything I ever loved, everybody I ever cared for, were taken away from me. Panda was the only treasure left. Yes, I do have two more cats, but he was so much more. I don't know how to live without him. it is not that I feel suicidal, But how does one proceed in an exsistence which has been devoid of the sun, the light, the only precious moments of pure intoxicating delight of the love - profound and rare that he has given me? Because he was a special cat, believe me I had many. I will not describe all his qualities now, exept this one - he knew how to love. He was the sole comfort of my miserable, worthless life. I don't know how to sleep without him. I lye in bed and my extended limb, composed of my own flesh and blood, curling beside me, two heads on a pillow - ismissing, yes, two more cats, but the house is all of a sudden empty and hollow and loveless.

Between bouts of bitter crying, I'm having a no less bitter argument with god. The scriptures, in many religions, I believe, say that nobody is given the ammount of pain that he cannot take. I am disputting that. I have told you in former posts that I have a mental condition. At first, when I just learned I've lost him my immediate instinct was to hurt myself. Many people do not understand cutting, while it is very simple really - it is done to transfer heartache to physical pain - one can cope with that but not with the other.
There is such thing as people who feel too much, or maybe it is just people who cannot deal with pain. But I didn't. In a way I do not want the pain to stop, as if as long as this pain is present - so is Panda. Not yet a mere memory no, not yet.

People are very kind and understanding. Those who knew him loved him as well - at first sight and even more so on second, and knowing what he meant to me they know how bad it is and are worried about me. I have a psychiatric support system, but I don't want or need their help at the moment. Grieving is a natural emotion, isn't it? and time heals, they say, but right now time is unsubstantial, it stands still. For me every clock in the world has two silky white paws which do not move anymore. Washy is pyning as well. She keeps looking for him everywhere, calling for him - her adored big uncle. it doesn't makes things easier. I try to sooth her, but I have very little strenght left. I just pray she doesn't get depressed - I have seen that before in cats who'd lost a companion cat.

Thank you all for your support. I know I am among people who understand.

As for the particulars - Shortly after my update post, Panda collapsed, vomiting, convulsing, and went into shock. I met the vet in the clinic at 11pm and he was given intensive care. I want to believe he did not suffer, since he was semi-conscious, or maybe not at all - it was hard to tell. The vet said he suspected a brain shock. He was hypothermic (34 celcius), high sugar levels in blood, almost no reflexes, dialated pupils. He worked on him for two hours, but could not raise his body temperature. if he made it through the night, he would have had a brain CT. He died calmly during the night.

And that as they say - is that
the death of a cat
along with a chunck of my heart
bitten away.

post #2 of 25
Oh my goodness Rachel i'm so sorry sweetie!

I'm going to move your sweet boy over to the bridge where others can pay their respects, but know that your little boy will never ever forget you, and always remember that you will see him again

Your other babies need you more than ever now Rachel because their grieving also, so take comfort from each other sweetie

The gates to Rainbow Bridge are open Panda, so run fast because your new kitty friends are waiting at the other end to take you to your new home
post #3 of 25
Rachel, I am so sorry. I really feel for you. I lost my wonderful boy, my special cat, in October and I have not ceased to miss him every day, as I know the other cats, especially his brother, do. The pain does not go away, but it changes from something intense and unbearable to a kind of bitter-sweet acceptance and a thankfulness that you were allowed to share the life and love of this special person. I am crying as I write this, but sometimes we have to let things out. I know that right now you are feeling shock and disbelief that this could happen. The grief is physical. Don't fight it, but share it with your other cats, talk to them, cry with them, it helped me just to bury myself in them and howl. It will help them too, and they are still your care and responsibility. I wish there was something else I could say, but you know that everyone on TCS will feel your pain, will understand the form it takes, and will wish we could help.
post #4 of 25
My condolences- I've lost two pets in the last year and can well understand that the death of a loved one is difficult.
post #5 of 25
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

We are all here to listen when you need a shoulder to cry on

Rest in peace Panda
post #6 of 25
Rachel I am so sorry for your loss.

Rest in Peace sweet sweet Panda
post #7 of 25
Oh Rachel, I am so sorry. My heart sank when I saw the title of your thread You and Panda shared such a special bond. I know its hard right now, but try to remember that Panda is always with you and you will be reunited with your sweet boy again.

RIP Sweet Panda
post #8 of 25
Rachel, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take some comfort in knowing that you did the right thing by not allowing Panda to suffer a slow death from renal failure. You showed him the last great act of love that you could and by doing so you allowed Panda to keep his dignity.

I have a good idea of how you are feeling, many of us here do. I lost my Midnight just over six months to renal failure after fighting kidney disease with her for over two years. I was an emotional wreck. I didn't go to work for a week and rarely slept and ate. Slowly, as they days went by I finally started to be able to pull myself together and live again but there were times where I wondered if I would ever smile again. We have all been told to be strong at some point or another in our lives but I think that this would be bad advice. Grieving is a natural emotion to the loss of a loved one. I cried all night after getting her last test results back and during the day when I made the most difficult decision of my life. I held her in my arms the entire time. I cried for days afterwards and I still do when I'm home alone and think about her. The feeling of guilt that I had was overwhelming and there were all of the "What if..." questions. I miss her very much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I know that she is in a better place where she doesn't have to suffer and I'm sure that she was there with the rest of our babies that have passed on to meet Panda when he arrived across the Rainbow Bridge. Panda will always be with you because he lives on in your memories and in your heart. RIP Panda.

post #9 of 25
i am so very sorry to hear this, I lost my special boy in September, I knew his death was always going to be hard, but made harder by the fact there was no warning. Please do try and use your other cats to help you, I think having others dependent on you does help, and if you are lucky enough, cats that will just let you bury your face into them and cry. RIP little one, and I do hope that this intense stage of grief passes into somethig more bearable for you soon.
post #10 of 25
Awww Rachel, I can't agree more with the previous post. The other kitties can be very helpful to you in the healing process. The three of you need each other so much right now Go ahead and have a good cry and cuddle with them, they understand and can comfort you in a such a way that we can't.
post #11 of 25
Rachel, even though you have lost your lover, your other babies still need you. They are grieving too, they have lost a firend, a warm lick, a snuggle.

KittenKiya's Clan sends your heartfelt headbuts and tearful, sorry licks to you and your babies too.
post #12 of 25

I know how you feel. My baby Alley has been gone for four days now and the pain is unbearable. I'm hoping she is there with Panda, as they both adjust to their new home.

rest in peace babies.
post #13 of 25
Originally Posted by squirtle View Post
Oh Rachel, I am so sorry. My heart sank when I saw the title of your thread You and Panda shared such a special bond. I know its hard right now, but try to remember that Panda is always with you and you will be reunited with your sweet boy again.

RIP Sweet Panda
i lost Mouse at about this same time 2 years ago. the pain will get better, i promise. to you during this time of loss.
post #14 of 25
Oh Rachel, I am very sorry you are facing this. You have received some invaluable advise in keeping your other kittie close during this time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Im so very sorry. Rest in Peace Dear Panda
post #15 of 25
Rachel, I'm so sorry your Panda is gone. He has left a huge hole in your life, and your heart, and it won't go away. But as you move through your grief -- with your other kitties' help, and at your own pace -- you will learn how to move around that hole, so that you can look into it and enjoy all your wonderful memories, rather than fall into it and drown in them. We're here to listen to your grief and hold your hand and hug you. Be gentle with yourself. Panda would want that, you know.

RIP Sweet Panda
post #16 of 25
Originally Posted by squirtle View Post
Oh Rachel, I am so sorry. My heart sank when I saw the title of your thread
Same here. I've been following your thread and I'm so sorry Rachel for the immense loss you are now dealing with.

Many of us have been through similar times and the emotion does take time to lessen. It doesn't mean we forget, it just means that life moves forward and new experiences reduce the pain to manageable levels. Please take time to deal with these emotions - talk to someone, write out your feelings, seek positive support to help you through this.

Remember that we're here for you if you need us.

post #17 of 25
Rachel, I know how you feel. When I lost my Snoopy almost 2 years ago, I didn't want to go on..He was my heart and when he crossed over to The Rainbow Bridge, it was like a major part of me went with him. My heart is going out to you, and I pray that you will find the bitter pain lightening up, and in it's place the fond memories of your precious Panda.

I'll tell you, my friends and co-workers all told me they didn't think I could face the loss of my Snoopy, because I loved him so much, and still do. He too, was a very special kitty. It was as if we could communicate with each other telepathically. Snoopy also felt that he was not the same as the other cats. To him, they were cats, but Snoopy always felt that he was my best friend, and he was. He loved people, and was always little Mr. Social Butterfly whenever someone came to visit. Like with Panda, everyone who ever met Snoopy fell in LOVE with him. His heart was pure Gold. Just a genuinely sweet boy. There will never be another kitty like Snoopy, in my life. I know he's a wonderful angel right now, because if there was any cat who deserves to be an Angel it's my Snoopy.

I guess what I'm trying to say to you, is that I got through it. At times it was very hard, but I did, and I know you can as well. I KNOW I'll see Snoopy again someday, and I'm excited for that day, but I know that I have to wait until it's time for me to see him. In the meantime, I have 4 wonderful little furbabies who need me, and each and everyone of them, is special in their own way, and I'm so grateful that they're in my life. So Rachel please just take it one day at a time and look for the beauty in your kitties that are still with you. It will get easier.
post #18 of 25
My condolences, Rachel. It's so difficult to deal with such a loss, but at some point the pain slips away, and you're left with treasured memories.
post #19 of 25
I don't think there's anything I can say to help. Your world just came crashing down on you. We're here for you. Panda is happily over the rainbow bridge now.
post #20 of 25
I'm am so sorry for your sad and painful loss.

Play happily at the bridge Panda.
post #21 of 25
Rachel, I am so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my sweetheart 2 years ago and thought the pain would overwhelm me. I made it through, and you can also. Your other babies need you now more than ever. Be good to yourself
post #22 of 25
I am so very sorry Panda has passed on, he was a very special cat to you and I also know what the pain is like. When I lost Tucson a year and a half ago my whole world just ground to a halt and there were days and weeks afterwards when all I would do was cry. Give yourself time to heal, and remember the happy long life you shared with him, not the pain that you are feeling right now.
post #23 of 25
Oh my I am soooo sorry. I asked myself the same question: How can I go on? Sebastian was my best friend, my night time cuddle buddy. He was not a cat. He was my little boy.
It has been just about a month since he went to play over the rainbow bridge . The first week was the hardest. The second week I made my boy, a special place on top of the book shelf. He loved to sit on top of the book shelf. I put his picture in a frame and his ashes on top of the book shelf. I always say hello to him. I take his picture down and we talk I tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him. After a good cry, I can start my day again. Panda lives on in your heart. I know that my boy would not want me to hurt, because he would never want to see his mama hurting. I am sure Panda feels the same way.

BIG HUGS!!! The hurt never goes away we just learn that with time, it does not hurt so much.
post #24 of 25
RIP Panda your mommy really loved you so much!

Panda would not want youj to hurt yourself like this! Do you have some one who can help you and just listen when you talk about him? Please take care of yourself.
post #25 of 25

I know mere words will not fill the void in your heart. As much as we all understand how you feel and how sad it has to be at your house now, your loss will not be comforted by our condolenses when you are away from teh keyboard and looking for your lost furry love.
I am willing to try though.

Originally Posted by sandgoddess View Post
Between bouts of bitter crying, I'm having a no less bitter argument with god. The scriptures, in many religions, I believe, say that nobody is given the ammount of pain that he cannot take. I am disputting that. I
This point i can completely understand. I wont go into my own personal list of tragedies, but i have been in this place where you are now. SOul searching. Anything to justify what happened. Anything to eliviate the pain.
What helped me and helped me a lot is a quote from Mother Teresa. Im not catholic, but that Woman was a siant for all times no matter what you believe. ANyway,

She said (or similar) "I know God will not give me a burdon more than I can handle, I just wish he didnt trust me so much.!"
She said it with a slight smile and in jest, but you could see the weary burdon in her eyes.
To me it speaks volumes. Especially when the loss you carry seems to over shadow every thing. But you keep going. ANd keep going you must. To Honor pandas memory you have to remain to remember him.
you can honor and be close to him by comforting his playmates your 2 other furr kids. They are sad too. Cats are very perceptive on this type of thing. I bet they are sad because you are sad too.
There will never be another Panda in your life. But there will always be more love. As long as your willing to give it. Love has 2 edges. You feel the sharp hurting side now. But remember the soft warm side that will come your way again.

I hope something i rambled helps.
I will pray for you. I will pray for your 2 remaining fur kids.
I will honor Pandas memory by imagining this white loving cat
sitting patiently on the edge of eternitys bed waiting for you and the rest of his family.

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