What went wrong - Petty DH

So I was happily helping with a TNR for 9 ferals...........the project leader and I got on real well and we were getting all sorts of fund-raising things going on........traps had arrived and we had a meeting to sort out who was going to do what on "the trap night"

At the meeting, project leaders DH is at the meeting - fine - no worries, but gets all snotty with me - I was get too involved, it wasnt "my baby" all sorts of "who did I think I was ...blah, blah...............
I was really shocked..... project leader just sat back and didnt stick up for me or try and stop him. I am a very motivated person and do like to get stuck in, offer suggestions, ideas etc.............so I think my over enthusiam has sort of peed him off............I apologised, said I wasnt purposely trying to step on anyones toes, and I thought that at much help as possible was needed .............project leaders DH wasnt happy with that and basically said they didnt need my help .........I felt very isolated, didnt really know what to say next project leader didnt offer any comment or try to calm the situation down So I and said my apologies (again) and left

I feel so let down, I would still like to be involved but dont know what to do next........any thoughts

oh gosh, I'm sorry that happened I know how terrible and confused you must be feeling, I have no suggestions other than to perhaps call the project leader and discuss the issue with her, my opinion is that if they don't think they need your help, then they're going to be very sorry later when they find out just how much they do

Originally Posted by mooficat

So I was happily helping with a TNR for 9 ferals...........the project leader and I got on real well and we were getting all sorts of fund-raising things going on........traps had arrived and we had a meeting to sort out who was going to do what on "the trap night"

At the meeting, project leaders DH is at the meeting - fine - no worries, but gets all snotty with me - I was get too involved, it wasnt "my baby" all sorts of "who did I think I was ...blah, blah...............

I was really shocked.....

project leader just sat back and didnt stick up for me or try and stop him. I am a very motivated person and do like to get stuck in, offer suggestions, ideas etc.............so I think my over enthusiam has sort of peed him off............I apologised, said I wasnt purposely trying to step on anyones toes, and I thought that at much help as possible was needed .............project leaders DH wasnt happy with that and basically said they didnt need my help .........I felt very isolated, didnt really know what to say next

project leader didnt offer any comment or try to calm the situation down

So I and said my apologies (again) and left

I feel so let down, I would still like to be involved but dont know what to do next........any thoughts

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I would contact the project leader and arrange to meet her without her DH....explain how you still want to help but want to understand your role. BTW....THANK YOU for wanting to help these cats.

Katie

Sounds to me very 7th grade - the project leader is obviously the one that has a problem with you but is too immature to say anything and let's her DH be the heavy.

She has obviously complained about you to him and therefore he felt that it was his place to say something. The fact that she let him and didn't speak up to defend you would confirm that theory. She sounds VERY two-faced to me!

I say, take the high road, back out of it gracefully, and try not to let other people who haven't got a clue bother you - let them struggle without you - it is THEIR loss!!!

thanks guys..........I was thinking about contacting the project leader, but the fact she didnt offer anything at the meeting stops me in my tracks............. she might be frightened to go against her DH thats why she didnt say anything........Oh heck I feel terrible, all I was trying to do was help and then get in thrown in my face............maybe I will ring her just to clear the air

I really hate it when people get in the way of the most important thing here - helping the cats! This is the second time in the past couple of months where someone's pride gets in the way of another person being effective in helping feral cats. It just makes me so angry and sad because the ones who suffer in the end are the cats. Period.

Are there any other feral groups in the area that can use your help?

If nothing else, I would suggest arranging a meeting with the project leader herself, without her DH, and see how that goes. If he is the one who has a problem, and not her, then perhaps you can work something out so that the two of you can work together and effectively help the cats.

I think everyone in the feral advocacy arena really just needs to remember that the objective is to help the CATS. Nothing more, nothing less. It's about the CATS, not anyone's ego or amount of power in the group.

Originally Posted by valanhb

Are there any other feral groups in the area that can use your help

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well......thats the thing..........no............I was hoping our group - huh, dosent feel like "our" anymore - which is the only one in my area would grow bigger and help where other people have ferals...............so thats another thing that really peeves me I had even started to get my Spanish friends interested, which would have been great as projects like this really help build bridges between different communities.......and of course HELP CATS !!!!!!!!

I need to calm down and I think I will contact her tomorrow or in a few days time, to see how the lands lies...........

I know how much this meant to you! I'm so sorry it's turned "political" so quickly. Seems like you should take a day or two and then ring the project leader - even if it is just to clear the air. Trust your instincts!

If it does turn out she was feeling miffed about your "over enthusiasm," I am left speechless. I've never heard of such a thing. Who doesn't want somebody totally enthusiastic, committed and brimming with ideas? If there's actually a problem, you'd be working with crazy people!

I think Ginger'sMom is right, unfortunately. I'm so sorry this happened to you! You are doing an honorable and good thing, and someone else's ego is clearly still stuck in high school. It's a tough situation, but I have no doubt you'll handle it gracefully.

Perhaps the lady is so immature and/or intimidated that she will be conciliatory enough for you to finish this project together. You'll know that she's not being honest and that'll definitely put a strain on your time together, but at least the cats will get the full benefit of everyone's talents and efforts. Once you have finished, you can quietly let your contact with her fade away, or, alternatively, work out whatever the problem is so the two of you can collaborate in the future.

In either case - we're all rooting for you!!

I too am sorry that this happened to you!

However, it would be wrong to expect someone to argue in public with their DH (or DW for that matter!) to back you up. If you are married or in a committed relationship, your first loyalty is to your DH/DW, and it may cause a lot of repurcussions in her relationship for her to have argued with him in your favour in a public place.

Have a word with her privately, ask her if she thinks you're treading on her toes in this matter, and what help she needs and wants. The best way to sort it out is without him there. I'm sure it will work out fine

Originally Posted by Epona

I too am sorry that this happened to you!

However, it would be wrong to expect someone to argue in public with their DH (or DW for that matter!) to back you up. If you are married or in a committed relationship, your first loyalty is to your DH/DW, and it may cause a lot of repurcussions in her relationship for her to have argued with him in your favour in a public place.

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I totally agree with you that loyalties have a priority. However this was/is a semi-professional forum, Projects Leaders DH had never previously been involved, or for that fact, mentioned by Pro.Lead. We have always intented to run the group as professionally as possible, we kept notes of meeting, logs of donations recorded, how much was raised at various events etc..etc. We wanted to group to grow and become registered as a charity. So we wanted to start as we meant to go on, as a professional business.
Heres the conversation that lead to the "upset"
we were discussing roles & responsiblities PL-DH said he could NOT help on the proposed trap night due to a clash with his snooker club...........fine...so in a professionally and adult manner I asked him if he was willing to miss this one night at his club ? It went downhill from there..........I tried to explain that as each day passed, there was a higher risk of the females getting pregnant. This was what our group was about - TNR.........I never once slagged off his attitude and priorities to snooker versus cats. Then all the comments about my involment came.
The way I looked at it, was yes, he was the partner of the Pro.Lead. but you can address conflict in an adult manner that doesnt demean anyone. If my DH had a view about something that didnt align with a businesses targets and objectives, then I would certainly address the issue as best as possible.

So anyway............the upshot is your post has actually made me understand a lot better about the Pro.Lead. and that she is actually a very weak person. Since the upset, another neighbour has approached me, she isnt involved in the TNR project but she made it clear about the relationship and that Pro.Leads DH is actually not a very nice man.............

So shame really but I am going to leave things as they are, I think that I would obviously just clash all the time.............and I wasnt in the group for that.