Frustrated.. I need suggestions please!!!!!

mom2salemisis

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Ok here is my porblem. My 10 year old daughter Cheyenne.. has started sneaking out o fthe house and running all over the neighbor hood . going to different peoples houses WHILE I AM AT WORK!!!!! she never calls and says hey mom im going over to so and so house. she never lock the door. and when i ask her she lies to me about it. she has been lying about alot of things lately i dont know what to do. i have taken away all the game stations and movies cause she will sit and do nothing but watch tv. she is way behind on her school work and refuses to do anything. sometimes i just tell her to go to her room and all i can do is sit there and cry. i dont know what do to all she ever says is "sorry mom" like that will get her out of trouble and everything weill be ok. Can someone please give me advice. her daddy is talking military school but she isnt old enough to go she has to be at least 12. i dont know what to do anymore.
 

gingersmom

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Here's a stupid question, but why is a 10 year old at home alone by herself???

10 years old in NOT old enough to be responsible for themselves, and in my state, leaving a child that young alone in the afternoons would warrant that DSS get involved and pull the child from the home, placing him/her in a foster home, while the parents would be charged with child negligence.

The only and BEST way to keep a 10 year old child where they are supposed to be is to have adult supervision, 24/7!
 

phenomsmom

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I agree that she needs a sitter while there is no one there to care for her. She has proven she is not trustworthy enough to be by herself while you are at work. So leave her on restriction and get her a sitter or into an afterschool program. And I am a believer in spankings. They worked for me and my sister and my boyfriend and his sister!
 

gingersmom

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I agree with you on the spankings. Today's children are not well disciplined, and as a result are walking all over the parents and attempt to manipulate to get what they want.

The world doesn't work that way.

Mind you, I do NOT believe that a deserved spanking is abuse. Abuse is losing control and hitting too hard, too much, or in the wrong places. For example, smacking your kid in the mouth is abusive. But a few firm, and I mean FIRM whacks on the butt are sometimes just what the doctor ordered!

Without fear of punishment, children are given no real limits, and will just continue to push and push the verbal boundries. Sometimes you just have to draw the line.

But again, no 10 year old child should EVER be left alone. What if a child molester showed up at the house while you are at work? Is your child going to be able to fight this person off alone?

I'm sorry, I do NOT mean to attack you in ANY way, but your post seriously concerns me, and I am afraid for your daughter's well-being!
 

tavia'smom

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I agree with the spanking when I was married my ex's cousins were 12 and 7 and they were so bad that the social worker said they needed a belt and that's pretty bad. But they had parents that let them do whatever they wanted and would just kind of say I don't know what to do. And the 12 year old would stand up and call his mom nasty names and one day I was over there and he did it and I said you are not going to talk to your momma that way when I am here and he said something about making him. So I got up and when I went to spank him he tried to pull away and was cussing me and I flipped him upside down and give him a good spanking and he didn't forget it when I told him to do something he did it his dad asked me why I did it and I told him why. And then they left one day and didn't even ask if I would watch the boys and the younger one was playing and the older one wanted to go outside but I told him he had to wait till his parents got home since it was getting late. And he snuck out the window and then the goofy kid came back in the front door and I caught him and spanked him again and I normally didn't have too much trouble with him.
 

summerkid710

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Sounds like she needs some after school activities -- sports, clubs, academic tutoring, etc. Maybe she could arrange to go over to a friends house after school for some homework time. It doesn't have to cost money.

It actually sounds like she's bored. I coach figure skating and work with a lot of kids. If left by themselves, they're not going to do homework. They're going to find something "fun" to do.
 

luckygirl

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I have a bit to say on both sides....I will be the fence rider today.


When I was little, at 9, I was a latch key kid. However, I was a very very responsible 9yr old. My mom (a single mom) came home an hour after I got off the bus. I came in, locked the door, called my mom at work, waited till the clock said 3:10, walked to the end of our dead end st (about 4 houses), got my sister from the bus, walked back home, locked the door, called my mom we were both in & ok. And then we did our homework. We each had a snack and our homework got checked when my mom got home. I was also changing diapers at 7 & 8 yrs old....I had a baby sister. And my neighbor was home across the st if there was any emergency's and was aware we were by ourselves.

Now....fast forward to today. There's NO WAY I would EVER leave Jasmine home alone, not for 10 minutes. I won't even leave her sit in the car/locked to run into the gas station! She is NOT me at 9. She is very irresponsible, and does not think before acting. I dont' know if I'd let her home alone at 12 the way she's going. She is a different child than I was, and the world is a different place. Your daughter should not be left alone. Period. Especially given the lying, and sneaking. Those are things that cannot be done/crossed or those trusts be broken.

My advice for you: get a sitter. A retired person on your st, or even a senior in HS, or a stay at home mom....you need someone who can keep her till you get home. Even if it means that you are put out by having to go pick her up, and it's a bit inconvenient for you, her safety and innocense are on the line. Even if it means that she hates being treated like a baby, she's earned it, and she has to deal with the consequence of HER actions. Arrange to have her either picked up by another parent, even if you have to pay for a sitter or after school service ($50 a week is well worth her not being abducted/abused/raped or just your sanity of knowing that she is safe). And make the school aware. They can make sure that she gets on the bus to whomever's house to be watched, or that the sitter has to sign her our of school....

And good for you for trying your best to protect her and keep her safe....

on the issue of spanking: we have never had Jasmine do anything bad enough that would warrant a spanking, however, my dad only ever had to spank me once as a child....I was a straight arrow ever since!
 

satai

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Your post doesn't make clear whether she's totally on her own. If she is, I agree with the other posters, that has to be fixed first. If she's not, that still has to be dealt with - clearly her sitter is not doing their job very well.

With regard to spankings, I can't say I'm a believer. More importantly, I don't think it will help at this point in time - the problem is probably more complex than it appears on the surface, and I suspect it will just confuse and alienate your daughter further. This may sound a little harsh, but it isn't meant to, but especially you've been leaving your ten year old on her own, I don't think that you can earn her trust in your parenting with force majuer.

Bear in mind you only know that she's been going out and lying about it. There are a lot of points along this road. What prompted her to leave the first time? What happened then? Why did she keep going out? How long was she doing this before you found out? If she's been lying a lot, you probably won't even be able to tell if she's told you the truth about these questions, or if it's just a plausable lie (think back to your own childhood).

I would strongly advocate you getting your daughter into couselling to figure out what's been going on. There are a lot of possibilities, and the lying - especially at her age - rings alarm bells.

I also think that you and your husband could probably benefit from parent classes. I don't need to tell you that parenting is hard even when things are smooth - and although I think you'll get a lot of support and practical (if conflicting) suggestions here, remember the advice we'd give if you were talking about your cat - we're not there, and we're not vets - you need to talk to an expect to solve this, especially in such a serious situation.
 

gingersmom

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Originally Posted by Satai

I would strongly advocate you getting your daughter into couselling to figure out what's been going on. There are a lot of possibilities, and the lying - especially at her age - rings alarm bells.

I also think that you and your husband could probably benefit from parent classes. I don't need to tell you that parenting is hard even when things are smooth - and although I think you'll get a lot of support and practical (if conflicting) suggestions here, remember the advice we'd give if you were talking about your cat - we're not there, and we're not vets - you need to talk to an expect to solve this, especially in such a serious situation.
EXCELLENT advice!

It's time to nip this child's behavior in the bud, and the best way to do that is get to the bottom of it, issues about leaving a child alone aside completely.
 

alikatt

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I can't add a whole lot that hasn't already been said. I will say that you should look into her school life, and try to find out who she is seeing when she leaves. Something may be going on her life, even at the meer age of 10, that is causing distress, and making her act out. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. While I have no children, I can't even begin to relate, but I wish you the best, and I hope everything gets better and works out.
 

swampwitch

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She needs adult supervision during this time. In fact, it sounds like this is one way of letting you know she's too young to be left by herself.

And punishing for lying leads to more lying.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
 

lunasmom

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Originally Posted by Satai

I would strongly advocate you getting your daughter into couselling to figure out what's been going on. There are a lot of possibilities, and the lying - especially at her age - rings alarm bells.
I was going to say the same thing. If she has suddenly started lying and stopped doing her homework the SoMETHING IS going on. Spanking her won't resolve it, especially if its something like being picked on at school, or maybe a teacher yells at her or a neighborhood kid picks on her when she's home alone. If you spank her, then it just leads to more loss of self esteem.

So talk to her and find out.

If she is being left home alone and leaving the house, then a sitter should be in order (or contact a neighbor and work things out). I wasn't an irresponsible child, but I had a sitter all the way up until the time I was 11 or 12 (all I remember was being in middle school).

Good luck and stay strong!
 

crittermom

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O.k. since I have a 16,13,9, and a 6 year old...........I can honestly say..........I know what it's like to have kids.
First off, it is NOT against the law to leave children that young at home unattended--atleast NOT here in West Virigina and NOT in Michigan.As long as a child is mature and is atleast 8, they can be left alone.That being said,NO I would NEVER leave a child that young at home by themselves.My 16 year old daughter was14 before I left her here by herself and I had a cell phone on me.There is a list of important numbers that STAYS on the wall by the phone.I was gone for 30 minutes.
If she is sneaking out, I agree something is going on.Even at age 16,my daughter doesn't do that.She is where she says she is and NEVER lies to me.I have a VERY open relationship with my kids,we talk about everything.I want them to learn the truth from me and not some BS that they pick up from school.
I would say, she needs some after school stuff to do.Chores would be great.Maybe even a sitter should come over for a bit.Or a friend/relative of yours should maybe take her for a few hours a week.
I also agree that spankings should not be out of the question here.The old saying "spare the rod, and spoil the child" I am a firm believer in that.
If she won't straighten up, I would take her to the Police Station---- call ahead and make sure this is o.k. Have her talk to an Officer about what COULD happen should she NOT listen to you.
I do NOT agree with Military school though.
 

icklemiss21

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She never said her daughter was home alone, the fact that she is 'sneaking' out (instead of just going out) of the house would suggest that someone else may be there, and I know as a 16 year old when my sisters and I were left home, there was no way to stop my 11 y/o sister going out if she wanted to, she would climb out the window and down the tree and I wouldn't know she was gone if I was in my room doing homework or cooking etc.

What worked for my sister is boarding school, not as harsh as military school but very structured and supervised, but in the mean time for your daughter, it does sound like she could do with more strict supervision and as crittemom said, a trip to the police station.

Perhaps arrange with another mom that she goes there at certain times and she ensures they do homework so she can feel like you trust her to spend time with friends, but she is safe and doing her homework?
 

lunasmom

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I think we're assuming the daughter is being left alone only because she made the mention about "leaving the doors unlocked". If someone else were home, that's not so bad as when there is no one at home.
 
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mom2salemisis

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Originally Posted by GingersMom

Here's a stupid question, but why is a 10 year old at home alone by herself???

10 years old in NOT old enough to be responsible for themselves, and in my state, leaving a child that young alone in the afternoons would warrant that DSS get involved and pull the child from the home, placing him/her in a foster home, while the parents would be charged with child negligence.

The only and BEST way to keep a 10 year old child where they are supposed to be is to have adult supervision, 24/7!
Well I didnt expect this kind of response thats for sure. But some of us dont have the luxary of being able to be with our children 24/7 some of us have to work twice as hard just to pay the bills you know the ones that dont make enough to live but make too much to qualify for help yeah well that where i fall. if i had a choice my daughter would be in after school care but i cant afford it and there is no place that will watch her in my area till i get off of work at night (10 pm) my parents work more hours than i do so they cant watch her and i dont know anyone else. my husband wont be home till april so i am doing this all on my own. She is not alone every night of the week btw! most of the time I am home within one hour of her getting off the bus. she is only alone maybe 2 days out of the whole week. crucify me if you like but i dont have another choice.
 

starryeyedtiger

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Many churches offer free after school programs and provide transportation as well. Maybe you could look into the neighborhood churches in your area and see if they have any programs like that
/ I do think she is a bit young to be left alone though- that is probably why she is getting into mischif.
 
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mom2salemisis

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Originally Posted by Summerkid710

Sounds like she needs some after school activities -- sports, clubs, academic tutoring, etc. Maybe she could arrange to go over to a friends house after school for some homework time. It doesn't have to cost money.

It actually sounds like she's bored. I coach figure skating and work with a lot of kids. If left by themselves, they're not going to do homework. They're going to find something "fun" to do.
I agree with you she is bored. my dad is getting laid off dec. 1 i talked to him yesterday and he said that she could come over there after school on the days that i had to close the store. she has friends that live over there too. (we live in one town and she goes to school in another the school is across the street from my parents house) she does do her home work though and then she does her chores its only after that that she gets in trouble.
 

katiemae1277

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I don't think anyone is trying to crucify you, but to leave a 10 year old, a 10 year old who obviously is not mature enough to handle this, alone until ten o'clock at night? There is no way you should be doing this, you need to find a sitter or someone that can watch her. I know times can be tough, money's tight, but this is your daughter's safety you're talking about, and that is priceless IMO. please try to work something out
 
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mom2salemisis

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Originally Posted by lunasmom

I was going to say the same thing. If she has suddenly started lying and stopped doing her homework the SoMETHING IS going on. Spanking her won't resolve it, especially if its something like being picked on at school, or maybe a teacher yells at her or a neighborhood kid picks on her when she's home alone. If you spank her, then it just leads to more loss of self esteem.

So talk to her and find out.

If she is being left home alone and leaving the house, then a sitter should be in order (or contact a neighbor and work things out). I wasn't an irresponsible child, but I had a sitter all the way up until the time I was 11 or 12 (all I remember was being in middle school).

Good luck and stay strong!
just so you all know she is in counceling which she asked for herself because she was having problems dealing with the death of her grandmother her and her councelor are really good friends.
 
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