Frustrated.. I need suggestions please!!!!!

mom2salemisis · Nov 29, 2006

she has a key and when she is home she locks the doors trust me i know i have forgotten my key and come home after she goes to bed and had to climb in the front window cause she wont wake up and open the door (she was asleep on the couch) she does her chores and most of the time does her home work ( i dont know any 10 year old that loves school and cant wait to get home work done) my neighbor usually gets home about 6 and will check on her and make sure she is ok. i leave a note of her chores and i always pre make her dinner and snack before i leave. and let her know where and what it is. she has a list of phone numbers she keeps one in her backpack and one next to the phone. with my work and cell (which she calls all the time!) and my paretns home and work and even her daddys cell (which at the moment is long distance) if she needs help with her home work she goes to the neighbors house and gets help then goes back home and locks the door. my neighbor also makes sure that she goes to bed at 9 like she is supposed to ( remember this is what she NORMALLY does) i come home and put up the dishes ( which she washed earlier) and check her backpack (which she leaves next to the front door for me) go give her a kiss and turn off her reading light (she is usually asleep) this is a normal day for us when i have to close (again maybe twice a week)

shes not a bad kid and she does get spankings she gets rewarded gor doing good and punished (usually taking things away works) for the bad things she does.

laureen227 · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by katiemae1277

I don't think anyone is trying to crucify you, but to leave a 10 year old, a 10 year old who obviously is not mature enough to handle this, alone until ten o'clock at night? There is no way you should be doing this, you need to find a sitter or someone that can watch her. I know times can be tough, money's tight, but this is your daughter's safety you're talking about, and that is priceless IMO. please try to work something out

see what's around, like StarryEyedTiger suggested. as far as spanking - that works only if the kid doesn't like being spanked more than s/he likes the misbehavior. find something she really likes or dislikes, then use that for your punishment - taking away the good thing or using the bad thing.
for example: when i was a kid, my mom used to make my sister sit under the table as a punishment. she HATED it. mom never made me sit there - probably because i wouldn't have cared, so it wouldn't have been an effective deterrent. that's what we want to accomplish with our punishments, anyway - lessening or ceasing of the undesirable behavior.
good luck!

gingersmom · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by Mom2SalemIsis

Well I didnt expect this kind of response thats for sure. But some of us dont have the luxary of being able to be with our children 24/7 some of us have to work twice as hard just to pay the bills you know the ones that dont make enough to live but make too much to qualify for help yeah well that where i fall. if i had a choice my daughter would be in after school care but i cant afford it and there is no place that will watch her in my area till i get off of work at night (10 pm) my parents work more hours than i do so they cant watch her and i dont know anyone else. my husband wont be home till april so i am doing this all on my own. She is not alone every night of the week btw! most of the time I am home within one hour of her getting off the bus. she is only alone maybe 2 days out of the whole week. crucify me if you like but i dont have another choice.

I'm not crucifying you - I gave an honest answer, and I'm sorry if the truth hurts.

I raised my daughter ALL BY MYSELF as a single parent, and I had to pay for daycare services because no way would I EVER leave my child alone by herself when she was young!

I have NO IDEA what it is like to be there 24/7 - I've never had that much money OR support from anyone else when I was raising my child, not even help from family, so I've been there and done that. I've been what is classified as working poor for WELL over two decades.

What I did in MY case was MAKE SACRIFICES. It is about priorities, and if you love your child, you will do whatever it takes to make sure they are as protected and cared for as possible.

You can rationalize it all you want if it makes you feel better about your situation, but I call it the way I see it. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Obviously, it is easier for you to leave your child alone by herself with no supervision. Therefore, IMO, you have no right to complain when your child becomes out of control, because it is YOUR lack of supervision and proper care that has created this situation.

Again, been there, done that, so I absolutely know whereof I speak.

Your best bet is to get yourself some help - go to your local department of child services and BEG them to help you because you just don't have the resources to properly care for your child in the afternoons.

They aren't just there to take children OUT of homes, they are there as a resource to help keep children IN their homes.

If you don't change this situation, it will only get worse, and your daughter could wind up pregnant at age 12, on drugs, in jail, or dead. And i KNOW you love her and don't want to see that happen.

PLEASE get outside help for your family. I am NOT attacking you, I am concerned for the well being of not just your daughter, but you as well. I know all too well the stress placed on a single parent, believe me!!!

I want to add to this as well, it does sound like she is a good kid and that's awesome that she's in counseling. So what this tells me about her behavior is that she is honestly crying out for your help and attention, and she is doing this by sneaking out of the house.

Can you talk to her counselor about it? Are there any afterschool programs like the Booys & Girls Club that she can go to that operate on sliding scales? My daughter grew up going to my local YMCA after school, and they were WONDERFUL to me.

Seriously, and again, I am NOT attacking you, please don't take what I've said the wrong way. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have said ANYTHING.

starryeyedtiger · Nov 29, 2006

Hummm, maybe we should all retract our claws just a bit

gingersmom · Nov 29, 2006

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just very direct and to the point, which not everyone appreciates, apparently. And I've been in those shoes before.

Like I said, where there is a will, there's a way.

mom2salemisis · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by GingersMom

I'm not crucifying you - I gave an honest answer, and I'm sorry if the truth hurts.

I raised my daughter ALL BY MYSELF as a single parent, and I had to pay for daycare services because no way would I EVER leave my child alone by herself when she was young!

I have NO IDEA what it is like to be there 24/7 - I've never had that much money OR support from anyone else when I was raising my child, not even help from family, so I've been there and done that. I've been what is classified as working poor for WELL over two decades.

What I did in MY case was MAKE SACRIFICES. It is about priorities, and if you love your child, you will do whatever it takes to make sure they are as protected and cared for as possible.

You can rationalize it all you want if it makes you feel better about your situation, but I call it the way I see it. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Obviously, it is easier for you to leave your child alone by herself with no supervision. Therefore, IMO, you have no right to complain when your child becomes out of control, because it is YOUR lack of supervision and proper care that has created this situation.

Again, been there, done that, so I absolutely know whereof I speak.

Your best bet is to get yourself some help - go to your local department of child services and BEG them to help you because you just don't have the resources to properly care for your child in the afternoons.

They aren't just there to take children OUT of homes, they are there as a resource to help keep children IN their homes.

If you don't change this situation, it will only get worse, and your daughter could wind up pregnant at age 12, on drugs, in jail, or dead. And i KNOW you love her and don't want to see that happen.

PLEASE get outside help for your family. I am NOT attacking you, I am concerned for the well being of not just your daughter, but you as well. I know all too well the stress placed on a single parent, believe me!!!

I have done and talked to everyone that i know of to get help and no one will help me. after i get paid i pay rent (which i have to pay every 2 weeks cause i dont make enough to cover it with one check) so we have a place to stay andI make a car payment so we a car to drive i pay the car and health insurance then i pay the electric bill again i pay half on check and half another check. last time i got paid i had $30 to buy groceries for us to eat. we dont have cable we have one of those cheap local only 15 dollar a month phones, we dont have anything fancy, i go without so she can eat, and have enough clothes to keep her warm. i never buy anything for myself. i dont drive a new car i drive a old start when it wants to most of the time i have to walk to work POS. my shoes barely have a soul on them and shes wearing brand new ones. my coat was my grandmothers. most of my clothes have all been given to me. and the most expensive jewelry i have is my wedding ring. there is nothing that we have that hasnt been given to us or bought at a good will store trust me i know about making sacrifices. grew up as a spoiled rotten brat i never had to pay for anything even when i was on my own as a younger adult. now i am trying to do the best that i can with what i have or i should say what i dont have. i have checked with the loca churches and they all want 80-90 dollars a week to put her in after school care. i have checked everything that i know of and dont qualify for help. I have even sold all of my grandparents antiques and all of our family heirlooms so i can have money to pay bills. i honestly have nothing left. and that includes hope for a better life for my daughter. maybe i came to the wrong place looking for suggestions. im sorry. that not everyone can give their child everything that they want. im sorry that my child is one of those. im sorry that i turned to the people that usually give me strenght in times of need.

gingersmom · Nov 29, 2006

Val, listen, I'm sorry for your situation, and I wish there was something I could do to help you - I've been there, I've been homeless with my child with no roof over my head for 8 entire months and no food at all for a week straight so my 2 year old could eat.

I've gone without so my child could have SOMETHING. I'm dead serious when I say I've been there!

You asked for suggestions and you've been given lots of them, but you say no, no, no to everything, so I don't know what you want/expect from us?

phenomsmom · Nov 29, 2006

I don't feel like anyone was attacking you. We care for the well being of your daughter. I understand how hard it is to raise your daughter alone. You asked us for advice and that is what we gave you. We spoke on what little information was given.

I think you got some excellent advice. I was a latch key kid but I never snuck out or anyhting like that. My mom worked retail while my dad was deployed. I was left until midnight or later with my older sister (4 yrs older) who was far from responsible enough to be left alone as a teenager in High School.

Hearing more of your story I agree that you baby girl is crying out for attention. Do you get to spend quality time with her when you don't have to close the store? Do you do things SHE wants to do on the weekends like go to the movies or bowling or swimming or anything like that?

Try talking to her. ask her why she sneaks out. Sometimes asking the kid why at that age will help a lot. Talk to her counselor and ask her to question why she is misbehaving and what she thinks should be done to remedy it.

for you. I know you are having a hard time. Please don't feel like we are intentionally being hateful to you. We just want what is best for you daughter. I hope things get straightened out very soon!

mom2salemisis · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Val, listen, I'm sorry for your situation, and I wish there was something I could do to help you - I've been there, I've been homeless with my child with no roof over my head for 8 entire months and no food at all for a week straight so my 2 year old could eat.

I've gone without so my child could have SOMETHING. I'm dead serious when I say I've been there!

You asked for suggestions and you've been given lots of them, but you say no, no, no to everything, so I don't know what you want/expect from us?

Im not saying no im saying i have tired everything suggested (well except the police station thing lol) so far theres has been no one that is willing to help me. i have gone to dhs 6 times and filled out paper work and i keep getting letters saying i dont qualify. i have gone to hud to get help with rent and again i dont qualify i have gone to the churches and i could put her in day care but then we would not be eating because every peny of my 30 dollars that is left over would go to day care. like i said im sorry i asked. i guess no one can help me. bye

mom2salemisis · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

I don't feel like anyone was attacking you. We care for the well being of your daughter. I understand how hard it is to raise your daughter alone. You asked us for advice and that is what we gave you. We spoke on what little information was given.

I think you got some excellent advice. I was a latch key kid but I never snuck out or anyhting like that. My mom worked retail while my dad was deployed. I was left until midnight or later with my older sister (4 yrs older) who was far from responsible enough to be left alone as a teenager in High School.

Hearing more of your story I agree that you baby girl is crying out for attention. Do you get to spend quality time with her when you don't have to close the store? Do you do things SHE wants to do on the weekends like go to the movies or bowling or swimming or anything like that?

Try talking to her. ask her why she sneaks out. Sometimes asking the kid why at that age will help a lot. Talk to her counselor and ask her to question why she is misbehaving and what she thinks should be done to remedy it.

for you. I know you are having a hard time. Please don't feel like we are intentionally being hateful to you. We just want what is best for you daughter. I hope things get straightened out very soon!

i spend every minute i can with her. her fav thing to is os go for walks on the nature trail and walk from here to my moms ( 4 miles) we play barbies and ride bikes we go roller blading and look for animal tracks we camp out in the living room and watch movies we read for hours.

phenomsmom · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by Mom2SalemIsis

i spend every minute i can with her. her fav thing to is os go for walks on the nature trail and walk from here to my moms ( 4 miles) we play barbies and ride bikes we go roller blading and look for animal tracks we camp out in the living room and watch movies we read for hours.

Then you would say you have a close relatioship with her right? Does she know that you know she sneaks out? Have you tried having a heart to heart with her and telling her the family situation. I know it may seem like a burden to her but if it helps her behavior it may be worth it. When your husband comes home will he add another income?

gingersmom · Nov 29, 2006

Saw your profile, and I see you have two or three other children at home as well - I really hope to God that you are not leaving a 10 year old in charge of 6 and 8 year old siblings!

I can't even address this anymore. Giving up is WAAAAY easier than continuing to TRY.

So I'm giving up on this thread. Good luck.

mom2salemisis · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

Then you would say you have a close relatioship with her right? Does she know that you know she sneaks out? Have you tried having a heart to heart with her and telling her the family situation. I know it may seem like a burden to her but if it helps her behavior it may be worth it. When your husband comes home will he add another income?

yes we are very close, yes she knows i know. yes i have talked to her and explaind what could happen to her and how much it scares me that she is doing this. yes my husband will add a second income to the house

mom2salemisis · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Saw your profile, and I see you have two or three other children at home as well - I really hope to God that you are not leaving a 10 year old in charge of 6 and 8 year old siblings!

I can't even address this anymore. Giving up is WAAAAY easier than continuing to TRY.

So I'm giving up on this thread. Good luck.

My boys live with their father in Texas. they are not here

mom2salemisis · Nov 29, 2006

im done never mind just forget that i even mentiond anything or asked for help

i will know better from now on

phenomsmom · Nov 29, 2006

Well is there any way you can talk to your boss or coworkers to have them help you out until he gets home. Like no closing until then. A lot more often than not the people you work with will be willing to help you out temporarily. I am trying to think of fresh new solutions for this. I am coming up with a dead end though.

squirtle · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by Mom2SalemIsis

Im not saying no im saying i have tired everything suggested (well except the police station thing lol) so far theres has been no one that is willing to help me. i have gone to dhs 6 times and filled out paper work and i keep getting letters saying i dont qualify. i have gone to hud to get help with rent and again i dont qualify i have gone to the churches and i could put her in day care but then we would not be eating because every peny of my 30 dollars that is left over would go to day care. like i said im sorry i asked. i guess no one can help me. bye

I don't really have any suggestions to give, but I just wanted to say that I think your daughter is very lucky to have a mom like you. I can tell that you put her first and foremost and that is something that many kids don't get these days.
Hang in there, and I really hope that things work out for you and your daughter.

On a side note, I think that sometimes people post on the site looking for support or just a need to vent and get something off of their chest. Everyone here has done it... None of us can understand or comprehend exactly what a poster is going through because all we have to go on is what is explained in the post. Ovbiously every single detail can not be explained... It's very hard to give and receive specific advice for that very reason. I just feel like that should be taken into consideration in circumstances like this. It just seems that this thread has turned into everyone defending themselves, which seems to defeat the purpose of the thread.

neetanddave · Nov 29, 2006

This is a fine place to come to for "suggestions" but not for a "solution." That has to come from piecing together all the "advice" into an "answer."

We have a pretty diverse group here, and lots of "been there, done that" is what has been offered here. You asked for "suggestions", and no one is saying you have to act on any of them.

laureen227 · Nov 29, 2006

Originally Posted by neetanddave

This is a fine place to come to for "suggestions" but not for a "solution." That has to come from piecing together all the "advice" into an "answer."

We have a pretty diverse group here, and lots of "been there, done that" is what has been offered here. You asked for "suggestions", and no one is saying you have to act on any of them.

and you seem offended that we've offered suggestions. the original post sounded like you wanted some - did i misunderstand?

pami · Nov 29, 2006

Im sorry that you came here to get advice and it turned into a judgement battle.I am sure that as a Mother you are trying your very best. I hope that you do not abandon this thread.

I have been a lurker on other sites and never joined because things seemed to ALWAYS get heated. This is the only one I ever stayed with because its such a strong, diverse group of people, who are very supportive.

Im sure there are people here who will listen to what you have to say and to what you are facing now and try to help you sort through it. Not one single person here is without fault or blame in their life.

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Saw your profile, and I see you have two or three other children at home as well - I really hope to God that you are not leaving a 10 year old in charge of 6 and 8 year old siblings!

I can't even address this anymore. Giving up is WAAAAY easier than continuing to TRY.

So I'm giving up on this thread. Good luck.

I can respect that you are a strong and an opinionated woman and you speak whats on your mind. But strong women do not always have to be so "in your face" with their opinions. Sometimes, its better to sit back and evaluate the the whole situation and give advice diplomatically. Its received much easier that way.

Frustrated.. I need suggestions please!!!!!

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