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How old is too much older to date? Help!

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
So now that I'm finally dating again.... I have a dilemma. I've agreed to go on a date with someone who I really do like, but he's 13 years older than me. I know age doesn't matter (well, after you're legal at least) but I'm still only 21 and it just seems like too big an age gap. I've heard both answers, yes too old, no not too old. And some good arguments on both sides. I know it would never be anything more than casual dating, for lots of reasons.

Any experience? Suggestions? Advice?
post #2 of 26
If you like each other then the age difference has got nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else, because your the one who's seeing this chap not them.

Go for it, lifes too short
post #3 of 26
well ive been out with someone 19 years my sinior but enjoy the company and just take it as it comes
post #4 of 26
If it feels too big an age gap it probably is. If it's not something you're aware of when you're with him, it isn't. Forget about what other people may or may not think, and just go with what feels right. Age is just a number!
post #5 of 26
I would say if you are both comfortable with one another go for it.
post #6 of 26
The external stuff doesn't matter, if the person inside is a good match.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
post #7 of 26
BF is 9 years older than my, and we started dating when I was 19 - nearly 8 years ago now.

Just take it slow and make up your own mind about him. The only thing that I would offer as advice to pay attention to is that at 34 he is likely to be a lot more settled - not just in his ways, but into his own life path. At 21 you are usually still considering various paths and whatnot. Be careful that you don't unintentional sign up to his life script if you realise you really do care for him - it's hard - but important - to keep your eyes open to what YOU really want to do at this stage of your life.
post #8 of 26
Try it out..... but if you smell something fishy, get out. He may just want someone to lavish attention on, or someone he perceives as naive enough to take his oh-so-romantic ways. Is he single? Or, more accurately, are you sure he's single? DId you meet online? In a bar? At church?

If he's really looking for a relationship, and I mean commitment and all that jazz, GO FOR IT GIRL! Age is of no issue to me if motives are pure. More power to both of you, but take it slow and make him prove himself to you.

Don't let others judge you if you feel that it's right, though. It just may take time for you figure that out, and if he's sincere, he'll wait on you.

My mother married a man 9 years older than her, and I have always shared the same attraction for older men. Just be careful. YOu're only 21.... there are many other opportunities coming your way. If you and this older man have good communication, he will understand that and be patient.

"I will be your father figure... put your tiny hand in mine... "
post #9 of 26
At the age of 27, I married a 55 y/o man and if he hadn't passed away, I'd STILL be married to him. Until recently, I was never involved with anyone, my own age. Now, I AM the age of the men that I've always been attracted to.

I'll be 49, next week and haven't been involved with a man under 50, since 1997 or a man under 40, since 1985.

If the age difference doesn't bother the two of you, it shouldn't bother anyone else.
post #10 of 26
I have always dated OLDER men...My late husband was 11 years older than me and my current husband of 9 years is 13 years older than me...If you feel comfortable with him then thats what's important. Don't over think it too much. Woman are more mature than men anyways!! In my experience an older guy treats you better
post #11 of 26
It is worth finding out. My bf is 11 years older than me, (Im 25, hes 36) but we dont notice the difference except with ridiculous things like movies he knows that Im too young for!
post #12 of 26
Age differences don't matter in the slightest. Besides it takes a man longer to mature, so you being 21 and he being 34 is a good thing. He should be right along the same wave length as you.
post #13 of 26
For me its too old...I will only date someone who is 4 years older. Your just in such different stages in life..and for me I would be wondering why this 34 year old guy is interested in a 21 year old student?
post #14 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
For me its too old...I will only date someone who is 4 years older. Your just in such different stages in life..and for me I would be wondering why this 34 year old guy is interested in a 21 year old student?
As my father would have said when he was casually dating ladies in their late 20s-30s (he was over 60)...because he can be interested and date a 21 year old. Obviously Dad dated women much his junior, and he married a lady I think about 15 years younger than he. He didn't like the women his own age because they were too jaded with life - he said they were either angry at what someone did or didn't do to/for them, sad about what they lost, or desperate to replace or find it. (His experience only. ) Maybe this guy is the same way - he may be wanting casual dating like Julie said, and the women his age want to marry and have babies, or are too into their careers to let loose.

Julie - age is only a number, and no one can tell you what is too much older for YOU. You are obviously very mature for 21 from what I've seen. I'd honestly be surprised if you weren't dating someone at least slightly older that yourself.
post #15 of 26
Julie, I meant no disrespect in my post, I was just giving MO
post #16 of 26
I am 8 years older then DH we have been married 9 years works just fine, but I have alway's thought it's a bit better when the guy is older But it works for me
post #17 of 26
I am 4 years older than my husband.We don't even notice it.
I would say give it a try and if it fells *good* then go for it.You'll know if it's right or not.
post #18 of 26
I say go for it, despite the age gap, he may turn out to be perfect for you... and some guys are a bit slow on the growing up part of life, so at 34 they may be exactly where you are in life.

My BF is 11 years older than me, and now that I am older, hardly anyone mentions the age gap, even though my family had a problem with it when we met (I was the same age as you).
post #19 of 26
Well I married a man that is 10 yrs older than I. So obviously age does not matter to me. I think the important question is does it matter to you? If you feel weird about it to the extent that you would not be able to enjoy your time with him then I'd think twice. If you think you can be happy with him then I say go for it.
post #20 of 26
Also, make the choice on YOUR feelings.Not those of society!!! After all, it is YOUR happiness we are talking about.
post #21 of 26
I would say go out with him and get to know him. Dating him isn't commiting to marrying him. You will know in time if the age gap poses a problem... If it does, then you can break it off before it gets too serious.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do
post #22 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
Julie, I meant no disrespect in my post, I was just giving MO

None taken.

Wow... I think I got the answer I needed. I wasn't expecting so many positive feedbacks. I suppose in all the different little details that have to be just so for two people to work together, age is maybe the less important one.

Heidi, thank you... I do find that the guys my own age seem younger than me, and in a bad way.

I will be sure and let you all know how it goes in a couple weeks.

I really appreciate all of your responses, even if I haven't anything to say about them all. The little wheels in my head are a-churning.
post #23 of 26
As others have stated: If you like him, age shouldn't matter.
If you have a problem with the age difference, then don't date him.

When I was 25 I dated someone who was 40...it only last 2 weeks because we didn't have enough in common.

I finally settled that the max age I would date is 10 years older (no age limit for younger ). I chose that as my brother is 10 years older and anyone over that doesn't fall in the sibling-age catagory.
post #24 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satai View Post
BF is 9 years older than my, and we started dating when I was 19 - nearly 8 years ago now.

Just take it slow and make up your own mind about him. The only thing that I would offer as advice to pay attention to is that at 34 he is likely to be a lot more settled - not just in his ways, but into his own life path. At 21 you are usually still considering various paths and whatnot. Be careful that you don't unintentional sign up to his life script if you realise you really do care for him - it's hard - but important - to keep your eyes open to what YOU really want to do at this stage of your life.
Satai is right.

How age does not matter with friends , when it comes to long term datting it can get in a the way and can cause issue. when i was 31 an dating someone taht was 20 we often hit that, she wanted to go out, i wanted to stay home. Things she wanted to do i had already done, and she often would complain that she felt there was nothing she could do for me, take and slow and see how it goes, if you like him and he likes you, it may work out.
post #25 of 26
There is this guy at work who i wouldnt mind dating!!! He is hawt! he doesnt even look like a 34 year old at first i thought he would be 25 or 26, but he has a long time gf and his name is Ben so its a no no!

But i would say if youre confortable go for it!
post #26 of 26
When my mom married my dad she was 21 and he was ummmmmm 51. He was the same age as my grandpa and 2 years older than my grandma. They were married almost 30 before he passed away.

It just depends on the people involved tho
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