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I just want to give up! (long)

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
I don't mean to unload on you guys but I am seriously depressed right now.
My FIL said no to loaning us ANY money, and when I told my mom today that I might have to borrow some money from my dad she got VERY upset with me. Pretty much told me I'm screwed. They just came back from Italy a few weeks ago and are saving to go again in March. My rent is due on the first, and we don't have it. My landlord's are somewhat understanding but I know they won't let us slide. DH is going to work for a fellow contractor tomorrow and hope he'll make something (more then the usual $50). My oldest son's birthday is Dec 6th and I don't think I'll be able to do anything for him..the child support I get for him tomorrow is going straight to the truck payment and electric. DH is hounding me to work but I cant because there was a mix-up at the daycare and they say I owe them $500 which I don't have. He keeps making comments like "Don't blame this on me" and "Why did you let us get so far into debt?"
I'm sitting here literally in tears because of all this. I know I can't afford Christmas for them and all the agencies I've contacted are telling me the sign up date was 2 weeks ago. I don't know how we're going to make it. I can't sell this stupid kayak for the life of me.. even after going down $100 in price. I have my stereo on craigslist but no one wants it.
I feel like I've let my whole family down..My kids, my husband, my parents... everyone. I don't feel like putting up any Christmas decorations because I have a feeling we're going to be evicted and won't be able to afford anything for the kids. I know Christmas is about family and spending time together but you can't explain that to a 5 and 9 year old.
I'm sitting here crying and feeling completely hopeless. I just want to give up on everything. It's like my world is crashing down around me. I've heard "things will get better" a million times but it's just getting worse and worse.
Our last resort is asking DH's aunt who is a VERY wealthy and GREEDY woman and we're almost positive she'll say no. I just don't know how much more I can take before having a nervous breakdown. I can't be strong all the time.
I'm usually the backbone for this family but I can't be anymore.
Sorry to unload on ya'll but I am SOO scared right now!
post #2 of 27
, yea it does sound like things are rough right now. and venting helps.
can you work out something the daycare place or find out what the problem is?
or have some family or friends watch the kids for few weeks so you can get back to work? how about explaing to the Dh that his statements are doing nothing to help solve the issue at hand, and are in fact making things worse.

anyway giving up does not fix the issue, deal with one issue at a time, and find a way to fix that one, then move on. Problems look much bigger when you see them all at once(this i know for a fact) .

I am really sorry that things are not going the way you want right now. and it never hurts to vent or unload. does the body good
post #3 of 27
So sorry you are going through this right now. I will be praying for you and your family
post #4 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
, yea it does sound like things are rough right now. and venting helps.
can you work out something the daycare place or find out what the problem is?
or have some family or friends watch the kids for few weeks so you can get back to work? how about explaing to the Dh that his statements are doing nothing to help solve the issue at hand, and are in fact making things worse.

anyway giving up does not fix the issue, deal with one issue at a time, and find a way to fix that one, then move on. Problems look much bigger when you see them all at once(this i know for a fact) .

I am really sorry that things are not going the way you want right now. and it never hurts to vent or unload. does the body good
I have tried everything to work it out with the daycare.. they won't budge. they are saying the fees went up 3 months ago but never informend me.
I really don't have any friends or family that will babysit. They all work.
I just can't do this anymore
post #5 of 27
Hi Honey,

Take a deep breath. There you go, deep breath, wipe your eyes. It will be ok. First of all, tell your mind to shut up so you can think. Grab control of it. You can do it. Remember, life is one moment at a time. Have you lost everything yet, no, and you won't. You are panicking. It is normal. You will get through this.

What I would recommend is to pour your heart out, all of it to God. And ask Him to help. Ask for His help. And then be quiet. Stay quiet. And be quiet a little longer. He will answer you. It won't be the wind, it won't be the storm, it won't be the panic, or the fear, it will be the still small voice. Do that. Obey that thought, then keep going. If you don't believe in God, I am sorry, He is kind, loving, gentle, caring, forgiving, and smart. He wants to be your God and you Father. And He will never fail you. Never. he can't He is God, and He has to perform what He word declares. he is bound to it. You just need to calm down.

Take it one thing at a time, and deal with the one thing at a time. And if all that fails,

Get a printing press and some ink, it's about how much our currency is worth anyway........just kidding.

It will be fine. And if you feel going to your aunt will do some good, have a meeting. If she is wealthy, very wealthy, she is a good business woman. Take that approach. And be honest, if you screwed up, say so. You need her help. Tell her upfront you probably can't pay it back but also say, if you were planning to leave us a gift, wouldn't you rather know now that we are doing good things with it and getting over a bad spot as opposed to hoping we use it well once you are gone????/ See if that approach will work. Just be honest. And give your parents time to think. No parent ever wants their child to be in trouble. Give them some time.......

I hope this helps.....it was intended to.
post #6 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by iamluckysmom View Post
Hi Honey,

Take a deep breath. There you go, deep breath, wipe your eyes. It will be ok. First of all, tell your mind to shut up so you can think. Grab control of it. You can do it. Remember, life is one moment at a time. Have you lost everything yet, no, and you won't. You are panicking. It is normal. You will get through this.

What I would recommend is to pour your heart out, all of it to God. And ask Him to help. Ask for His help. And then be quiet. Stay quiet. And be quiet a little longer. He will answer you. It won't be the wind, it won't be the storm, it won't be the panic, or the fear, it will be the still small voice. Do that. Obey that thought, then keep going. If you don't believe in God, I am sorry, He is kind, loving, gentle, caring, forgiving, and smart. He wants to be your God and you Father. And He will never fail you. Never. he can't He is God, and He has to perform what He word declares. he is bound to it. You just need to calm down.

Take it one thing at a time, and deal with the one thing at a time. And if all that fails,

Get a printing press and some ink, it's about how much our currency is worth anyway........just kidding.

It will be fine. And if you feel going to your aunt will do some good, have a meeting. If she is wealthy, very wealthy, she is a good business woman. Take that approach. And be honest, if you screwed up, say so. You need her help. Tell her upfront you probably can't pay it back but also say, if you were planning to leave us a gift, wouldn't you rather know now that we are doing good things with it and getting over a bad spot as opposed to hoping we use it well once you are gone????/ See if that approach will work. Just be honest. And give your parents time to think. No parent ever wants their child to be in trouble. Give them some time.......

I hope this helps.....it was intended to.

Thank you so much.. I just wish this was all a bad dream
post #7 of 27
Oh, hon, you poor, poor thing - I've been in your shoes, and believe me, it was really awful! As for your mom What grandparents would go to Italy, and then be saving for another trip, knowing that your children won't be having a Christmas
Many people consider this the season for giving, and it could be that the Elks or the Methodist church might be able to help out. However, your hubby might be offended, but hopefully he understands.
I think that LuckysMom gave you wonderful advice. And often, just reaching out is prayer in action, and there are more than a few of us who will be praying that you get positive solutions very, very soon. It took courage to open up like you did, and you have set a very positive example for many of those who are just visiting ( I hate the expression "lurking").
Please keep us updated. I will be out of town in the next day or so, but Monday is my birthday, the big 5-0, and my hubby has to go out of town, so I at least deserve a humdinger of a TCS fix! And it would be an awesome present for me to read that you have been blessed with some real solutions! Hugs, Susan
post #8 of 27
Have you looked into Debt Management or filing personal bankruptcy?

By the sounds of your situation any money you get now, especially child support (which is to support the child) should be going to life preserving things such as rent, food, medical, and utilities.

Car loans, credit card payments and anything along those lines are at the bottom of the totem pole.

I'm sorry you are having such bad financial problems at this time of year, but you really need to work on your priorities as to where limited funds are going right now.

Sell the truck and start using a bus, or sell the truck and buy a cheap older vehicle and use the balance of the proceeds to pay off some of the things like rent and buy some food and get your tooth looked after, and put whatever is left into utilities and then day care, etc.

You seriously need to call a debt management company in your area. They can help lower interest rates, consolidate debt and prevent eviction.
post #9 of 27
Honey, you've got some great advice here, but the one thing I want to say is - YOU have not let anyone down, YOU have not failed as a wife or mother, YOU are not responsible for your situation. You are married, right? You have a husband who is also supposed to provide for your family. Don't make this a blame-game with yourself as the victim. Blaming won't help anything and your DH and you need to agree before anything else that this has happened now, and blaming each other and pointing fingers is going to do nothing to relieve your situation or fix things. You need to be a team now, more than ever.

One thing at a time - one thing. If your daycare put up the rates three months ago and didn't tell you - why did they let you go THREE MONTHS before saying anything? Any responsible establishment would have picked that up after a week - and you can take that to them and ask them straight out what their problem is that their accounting is so poor that they wait a quarter of a year before they tell you. I would take that one further - seriously.

As for the rest of it, your family has an obligation to help you out. If they won't then you'll have to rely on your husband, the two of you together, for better or worse, to sort this out.

I know it can all seem so overwhelming, so frightening, so lump-in-your-throat stressful. But there are people out there who can help you - professionals who can do something for you and give you advice.

And as for Christmas - sit down with your children, be honest, explain things to them. They are young but they are old enough to be in the loop - to a degree. And see if you can't come up with some nice things to do for Christmas regardless of your financial situation. When you have your family around you that is enough for happiness. Christmas is not all about presents. Ask your children to make something for a local charity - explain to them that there are children out there who don't even have a mummy or daddy - not to make them feel bad, but to let them know that the spirit of giving is alive with or without material gift-giving. Change Christmas from mercenary ideals to a loving family experience. Not easy for kids to understand, and it will be hard, but it doesn't have to a be a total write-off.

Good luck honey - I know you don't want to hear that things will get better, but honestly, you can only go up from here, and you will go up, and soon.

Lots of hugs, love and vibes to you
post #10 of 27
I'm so sorry. You and yours remain in my prayers.

I realise that you're venting, and that's important too. But I'll list a few ideas, and you can come back to them when you're ready. I don't know if they will work or not, or if you've already tried them or not, they're just a few things that I think could work.

If your combined debt is large, perhaps you could contact a local agency that gives free advice on debt management - try your bank, local churches (particularly in poorer neighbourhoods), whatever part of the county offices that handle welfare applications - these places may be able to give you phone numbers or get you in contact with an agency.

If your total debt is on the small side (for example, if it's the daycare fee on it's own), your bank may be able to extend you a loan, or better, an interest-free or low-interest overdraft.

If your parents and FIL can't/won't help with the loan for daycare, perhaps they would be willing to each offer half the total cost. Perhaps you parents would be willing to let your children spend Christmas with them, so that they have a Christmas (the kind children understand, I mean), even if it's smaller than you'd like.

If you have friends or family that work parttime maybe they would consider babysitting as well so that you could also work parttime or temping.

It's possible (probable, even) that I don't understand the full picture, but from the information I have, the first step is somehow tackling the babysitting - whether that's coming up with the bare $500 or finding someone who will do enough babysitting to let you work even parttime. If it's the latter - try to work out a head of time how long you'll probably need them to do this for, and put some of your wages toward paying off the childcare fee. You are more likely to get agreement if you're clear that it won't be indefinate. You can offer to do a sort of payment in kind - if DH is handy around the house, some DIY for the person/family who have agreed to help, whatever your combined skills would allow you to do, as a thank you so that the babysitter/s don't feel taking for granted.

Do talk to your landlords, and to the electric company and phone company. BF and I once had a HUGE double phone bill right before Christmas, and couldn't have paid it, even if we gave up on having a holiday at all. The phone company was incredibly understanding about it, and let us make a payment schedule for the end of January and the end of February, which meant we could have a holiday, and enough time to properly budget to make our payments on time. This was all arranged in one visit to the phone company and in a few minutes while there.

I can't promise that it will work - or be as simple - but if you've never tried it before, it is certainly worth looking into.

Anything that will help you get your children into day care/babysitting will help you get back to work - that alone will help get you back on your feet and your confidence back.

Also, please find a counsellor to speak to, again try contacting local churches. Depression is a harsh mistress, and can make it hard to find or work toward solutions if you get too down. Having someone else to talk it through with will help with being able to maintain a perspective.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
post #11 of 27
Oh Hun, this is not about you letting your family down, please don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault

I am sorry your going through this, I know I have been in the same broke situation where everything feels hopeless. Just keep your chin up and I am sending many vibes and prayers that your family will be able to make ends meet enough to have a good Christmas..

I know my mom was always broke when we were growing up, she was a single mom of 3...so she always went to the food bank..and some toy place that would send us boxes of toys...did you say it was too late to sign up for that? Have you called to see if they would make an exception?

Again, I am sorry Alycia..I really hope things look up soon.
post #12 of 27
Im so sorry you are going through this
post #13 of 27
I don't have a lot to offer in the way of advice but I will offer you all the VIBES I can give! One thing I did just think of though is... Have you gone to a church in the area or one that you or a family member belongs to and see if the church could help you out with anything, financially or with christmas for the kids. I know a lot of churches in our area do that for people. I have known a couple that have helped with gas bills and such. That may be something you might be able to do.. Or their may be some sort of daycare thru the church or a church member that does child care that someone in the church could point you to. I'm not real religious myself, but it may be worth a try!

I'll be thinking of you dear!
post #14 of 27
I can't anything that hasnt already been said before. Such wonderful advice by the way....

All I can offer you is some vibes to help you get some kind of relief. I know what it is like to struggle with money, being 21 and living in an apartment with my boyfriend that is pretty high in price. I live paycheck-to-paycheck and I only pay utilities. I know that daycares are a pain in the you-know-what. But I work for one and it seems silly to know that they would raise the price without notification?? I know that you said you have already spoken to the director and what was her response when you told her you didn't know?

Anywho.....

Good luck, hun. You are definately in my prayers and I hope there is a silver lining in the end
post #15 of 27
I want to say that i have been in your situation and i am still suffering from having no money.

My parents have moved away nearly 2 weeks ago, and i literally have noone to count onto.
My boss still hasnt payed me, I am going to be a real tight butt for xmas, I feel bad because i have to feed the kitties even cheaper food and i dont think its healthy for them, but right now im living on 10 euros a week for me alone on grocery food. I had to stop carrying money with me incase i would spend it on a roll or crossaint at work.

You have to stay strong, and your children will have to accept the fact that mum doesnt have money to buy xmas presents, but you just have to promise they will get more gifts for next year.

I dont even know how im going to pay my rent, or eat
post #16 of 27
I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said before, but I can offer you one glimmer of hope: a few years ago I was absolutely broke and had no money to buy Christmas presents (I could barely buy food -- people kept telling me how much weight I'd lost and how good I looked, and I couldn't bear to tell them that the only diet I was on was the "poverty" diet). So that year I sat down at my old computer and wrote out a bunch of my favourite memories, gearing them all towards the people I wanted to give presents to; I poured my heart into my writing, printed the "stories" out and put them all in separate duotangs and gave those to the people I loved. Everyone really liked the memory books (a few people were surprised at how well I remembered things that had happened twenty-some-odd years ago), and in the end I was really pleased with how it all turned out. As it turned out, too, my grandmother died a few months later, so this really was the best Christmas present I could have given her.

So my advice to you is this: you have talents, you have hobbies, right? Pour your heart and soul into them, and give people things you've made yourself. A shared story, a knitted pair of slippers, a collection of old photos: these things are more meaningful than another sweater or a watch -- something your friends and family could just buy themselves, as opposed to something unique that only you can provide. As for your children ... Yes, they'll be disappointed and they may not understand, but providing them with food, clothing and a roof over their heads is more important than making sure they have the latest toys. Instead of making Christmas about presents, try to make it about spending time with the people you love, and making happy memories, and sharing of yourselves.

Good luck, and many from me and mine.
post #17 of 27
I have to be honest, I have not been in the same situation before. I have had hard times and my parents have always been there for me if not financially, emotionally. I don't know what I would do without them.
I know it is probably not what you want to hear but have you thought about a night job or cleaning somone's house for a couple bucks.
I live in Canada and out Wefare system is rather good for people going through rough times have you looked into financial assistance. I have had to go on it twice in my life, it was the hardest thing I ever did. I was also getting food from the foodbank and eating at the soup kitchen. It's not an ideal option for a family in your situation I know.

I wish I could help. I hope things get better for you and your family. I know everyone here is praying for you. ((((Hugs))))
post #18 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirinae View Post
So that year I sat down at my old computer and wrote out a bunch of my favourite memories, gearing them all towards the people I wanted to give presents to; I poured my heart into my writing, printed the "stories" out and put them all in separate duotangs and gave those to the people I loved. Everyone really liked the memory books (a few people were surprised at how well I remembered things that had happened twenty-some-odd years ago), and in the end I was really pleased with how it all turned out. As it turned out, too, my grandmother died a few months later, so this really was the best Christmas present I could have given her.
What a really beautiful homemade Christmas.
post #19 of 27
Sooooothing headbuts from KittenKiya's Clan. By the way, not ALL of this is your fault.

There is more than one to a family. I don't like the idea that all of this was dumped on you....why did YOU let US get into this problem????? No backbone here??

Don't carry all of this on yourself. You will only become more depressed and then sick.

Sooooothing headbuts and sooooothing, calming licks from KittenKiya's Clan to yours.
post #20 of 27
I think that contacting a church may be one of the most viable solutions in terms of making sure the holiday is still special. I have volunteered at a church who sends out hampers and gifts for families in needs. Once church in a SMALL TOWN did over 30 families....and REAL quality hampers and gifts, all donated by the members of the church/community etc.
My father claimed bankruptcy when i was 6 years old. Looking back on it, we had a sparse Christmas that year, but neither me or my sister noticed. My parents went out of their way to make the holiday special, and while our gifts were not at all expensive, or modern, or what we had greedily asked for from Santa, they were some of the best gifts we ever got: because instead of just buying items off our list, our parents truly had to think about us, and what they could get us that would make us happy for very little money. I think I got a fancy art set, which was really a tupperwatre container my mother decorated, and put crayons, pencil crayons, and markers (a BIG score for a 6 yr old), in different compartments, with various types of papers etc. It probably cost $15 in total to put together, as well as a couple hours of time, but as a 6yr old , I thought I had hit the jackpot. Children dont understand material things like adults do...I am sure you will come up with something to make them happy around Christmas, which is still over a month away (barely I know, but there is still time!!).
Good luck with everything, and Ill send whatever vibes I manage to broadcast your way
post #21 of 27
You know, that's the saddest thing to me about Christmas: So much relies on what we get nowadays and how much is spent rather than the purpose behind it all.

Just keep the roof over your family's head and food in their mouth. That's the most important thing. Worry about Christmas once you have that established.
See if you can make payments for the rent over the next month.

Your boys may cry now, but as long as you keep a roof over their head, they'll thank you for it one day.
post #22 of 27
Lots of vibes headed your way. It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I hope it all works out
One thought I had, since it is Christmas time and all of the stores are busy.. could you maybe take on a late evening/night job someplace nearby. This way DH can watch the kids while your at work, and then your home during the days.. or you could work weekends if he is off at that time. Even if it is part time it would be a big help in digging you out of the hole.
post #23 of 27
I think it's time to reinforce your backbone. Stop hoping that others will do for you and try to get excited about what you can do yourself. Put up those decorations and explain to your kids that money is tight this year so you may have to make presents for each other. Or...if you can put together a few bucks, take them to a thrift store and see what they come up with.

As a child the only present I remember my grandparents bringing to our home was a bag of oranges. I like oranges.

I think you may have to use your imagination. Do you make and decorate cookies with your kids? Take a drive to view the lights? Go caroling? My parents never did any of these things, but in looking back, I wish they had.

Some nasty crap has been going around our house lately, and yet I see what others suffer through and I realize that I'm actually very fortunate. Ask yourself if you have to worry about being drug from your home, tortured and killed, whether you have enough to eat, whether you have your health...

Be strong for your kids. Make the holiday the best you can with what you have. You can do it.
post #24 of 27
I am so very sorry you and your family are going through this right now. you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. please take care of yourself.
post #25 of 27
I too think checking into a church would be something worth trying. I know around here where family sponser a family for x-mas. It is something i have thought of doing lately giving back to those who need it. I too have been in your situation and all i can say is just hang in there children understand more then we give them credit for.
post #26 of 27
I don't really have a whole lot too offer but some good vibes and a
post #27 of 27
Alycia, everyone has given you such awesome advice, I feel like I have nothing else to add other than the fact that you and your family are in my prayers. I understand how hard it can be to not have enough money. I did want to share one thing with you though- when I was a little girl, my mom was dealing with a divorce, working full time, and raising my sisters and i on our own...I was young- about your sons age....my mom said us down and told us that there was not a lot of $$$ to go around that year for presents. She explained to us what Christmas was really all about....and that year, instead of focusing on presents....we had one of the best Christmas's i can recall. We each made homemade gifts for each other- and all of the love and energy we poured into them personalizing them- ment more to us than all of the gifts money could buy. I know it may seem like a horrible thing to have to tell your children there is not a lot of $$ to go around, but try to stay positive sweetheart- things WILL be ok. Sometimes the best Christmas presents are those we make and personalize ourselves- those are the ones we remember years down the road- so please do not worry over that. They are your children and they love you no matter what- as a family, ya'll are there together through the good times and through the rough ones- and you will make it through this time together and become stronger for it. I wish I were closer to you to help you out..but I definitely want you to know that You are in my prayers. / I would suggest talking to some of your local churches to see what you can come up with as far as the children go, or even some financial assistance...i'm sure they will be able to help you. I would try to speak with a financial advisor (many churches have them for free) to try and help you come up with a solution to better help your family make ends meet more efficiently
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