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post #61 of 95
Thread Starter 
(whisper freedom)
even if my tears fall naked
even if my breasts bear the stains of winter
even if you kiss my lips and cry
(whisper freedom)
hang your head in my garden
breaking moonlight
with breath born of pain
even if
you scream my name
turn your head
(whisper freedom)

relentless, release, rapture?
post #62 of 95
post #63 of 95
I don't know if it will help,but here's a place I go to ease the glums sometimes...www.ishaah.com. No religious beliefs promoted,but some beautiful imagry and prose.
So many fine people here are apparently hurting and feeling alone. Our material,money first society tends to isolate anyone who is seeking anything beyond the price of things. I think we all need a place where we can contemplate the beauty that abounds in the world around us. Spend a little time watching the butterflies dancing on the face of heaven.
post #64 of 95
I've typed a reply here several times in the last hour and it doesn't seem to want to go.

At any rate, what I wanted to say was that I've read this whole thread and feel in my heart that each of you have had burdens you should never have had. Other persons in your lives have tried to undo you - they must have need to make you look or feel bad because they themselves were feeling inadequate.

Get all of those demons and bad feeling out - whether to a therapist or friends (true ones who understand and do not judge) or on-line friends. Burdens don't always seem so heavy when they are shared.

You all sound like you are beautiful people inside - let some of that beauty out so we can share in it, but let those demons go. Each of us has something to give - all of you are proof of that.

My heart and sincere wishes go to all of you to give you strength to go on with life. God bless each of you.
post #65 of 95
Just another note I'd like to add. I've dealt with my demons by having a strong mind. I do that by not blaming myself for what others have said or done to me. I take full responsibility for my own actions, but let them carry their own blame. Fair is fair! I've survived cancer, sexual abuse, and an alcoholic father to name a few and I don't intend to give in now. I'm 54 years old, in pretty good physical health and a "talker". Talking to trusted friends in my life has allowed me to get rid of a lot of demons - I hope you can too.

You are all too good inside not to conquer your demons and share some of the beauty you have with the rest of us.
post #66 of 95
Simba's Mom:

My feelings exactly! You have shared some of the more traumatic experiences of your life and shown that there is a way to overcome them and have peace. Sometimes we are not responsible for the hell that comes into our lives, but we can control whether or not we choose to hang onto it and mkae it rule our lives. My hat's off to you for your strength-providing words!
post #67 of 95
I'm from the same school of thought. One of my best friends has been through so many horrors that I feel phyically ill for him. he has suffered at the hands of family members in every possible way there is to suffer, and he doesn't let it hold him back. he struggles with it every single day but his life is proof that he has never given up. i know that it's incredibly hard for him but he refuses to let it win.

[Edited by airprincess on 05-09-2001 at 09:59 AM]
post #68 of 95
Thread Starter 
i believe there are ways to overcome any and all things that
happen to us, as children, and as adults.

for me, finding peace comes in writing, and in therapy.
i need to release all the thoughts, all the demons, before i
can find my peace.

but i believe it's there, and i will find it.

i am not a "tortured" soul, or a weak individual, i am only
20, and am only now really getting into the depths of my
pain/demons, only now letting that spill over into my work
(writing) only now accepting those things and talking about
them all, one by one.

therapy is like being raked over the coals, but i push
myself to go, because afterwards, every time, i feel a little

there are more things to laugh about then there were before.
more simple pleasures open to me then there were before.

that's why i go. at 20, i have time on my side
and i am making good use of it (i think).
post #69 of 95
Thread Starter 
i know my heart is so full of passions, full with Life, Love.

my struggles are in my Soul. my writing is my Church, in my
head are my pews, my knees bend there, and my heart breaks
but i will my hands to help me up, unravel my hair, let it all fall down
over me, and walk into the day.

everyday, we go forward with Strength, with Hope,
without it, i wouldnt be here today.

everyday i choke, and stumble backwards, but I Rise.

i am not defeated, i am just doing what i have to do, which
is, and always will be,

dancing with the Source.
dancing with the Fire.
dancing with the Beauty.

and i will write it all down, because i cant not.

thank you for allowing me this thread, this space to use
as my beautiful weapon, catharsis, my unraveling heart.

[Edited by blue on 05-06-2001 at 05:24 PM]
post #70 of 95
Dearest Katie,

Seeing your last posting brings a huge smile to my face

God Bless You Always,
post #71 of 95

I just noticed you are from Canada. I am from near Toronto, Ontario.

post #72 of 95
Thread Starter 

yes, i'm about 6hrs away from Vancouver, in a slightly
smallish town called Penticton

i grew up here, but i was born on the Island.

post #73 of 95
Katie....your posts so deeply touch my heart.

Simbas mom....thank you for your words of encouragement, it sounds like you have been through it all, and have survived to help others. Bless you. I am so glad to have met you.
post #74 of 95
Thread Starter 

thank you for your words. you brought me to tears.
post #75 of 95
Blue..I spent many lost weekends in Penticton back in 69 when I was working for the CPR out of Hope. It was a real good party town back then full of gorgeous ladies. Glad to see some things haven't changed. I learned many interesting things on those weekends.
post #76 of 95
Thread Starter 

thanks Kittyfoot

it is a beautiful place in the summer, isnt it? i take it
for granted because i have been here for so long, though i
have moved away, i always tend to gravitate back here.

every once in awhile i have to remind myself how gorgeous
this place really is.

it's still quite the busy town in the summer, full of tons
of people and things going on, lot's of people from Montreal,
Vancouver, the States, Europe, Australia, all over

i think that's amazing, every time i meet someone on-line
that knows of my hometown or has actually been here
(because it is in Canada, and it is fairly small)
post #77 of 95
Thread Starter 
today burned, broke and fell in my hands,
like ice on my feet in winter, i am frozen.

barefoot and walking toward what i cant change.

frozen with nothing to say,
so much to say.

incomplete is how i live, and how i will exist.
post #78 of 95
Blue, your poetry is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and touches my heart so much!!

My thoughts for today are :

I feel confused.
I feel unable sometimes to tell who is my friend and who is not
I feel it hard to trust anyone sometimes since I have been hurt so badly
I guess I am paranoid
I feel others are talking about me
I hate this pain
post #79 of 95
Debby... you are just like everyone else on the planet. We spend our lives searching for that mythical perfect friend and/or partner and pass up the many less than perfect people along the way. Where do we get our ideas that there's a perfect person out there just waiting for us? I don't know,it would be easy to blame the media,or literature,or movies;whatever. But the mark of maturity,I think,is when we finally realize that perfect does not exist;that we are all flawed in some way or other. Have you ever had someone turn away from you whom you tried to be a friend to? Have you ever turned away from someone who was trying to be your friend?
That is not to say that you should throw open your doors to everyonee who happens by. There are some truly evil people out there and it's your responsibility to learn to tell the difference. You will make mistakes and be hurt along the way,you will unknowingly hurt others too. That, unfortunately, is life. The trick is to hurt others as little as possible because that is really the only thing we can control. Life is a hard journey,but we have to keep moving along;picking a pretty,friendly flower from the weeds as we go. Even if we never find that perfect rose,we will still have a beautiful bouquet at the finish.
post #80 of 95
Thank you Kittyfoot...:angel2:
There are so many things left unsaid in a conversation to inpsire someone to "get up and live" I have had many days when I have felt so bad just like anyone else. The only way I was saved was through my will of the need to LIVE and not just settle for existing. Why, should I keep punishing myself? :confused3:

Hey...life is soooo short and I'm not willing to let loose of this bouquet...not yet.

How delightful your comments were and I'm looking forward to hearing them again soon :
post #81 of 95
Kittyfoot.....thank you so much for what you said....you are so right...we just expect too much, I guess, and are let down when it doesn't happen.

Thank you for your inspiring post. I will try to look at things differently. ( but it will be hard)
post #82 of 95
Thread Starter 
i believe there is a person that is perfect for us, individually,
the one we should all be so blessed to find,
and share our lives with;
a soulmate.

and that person will be flawed and imperfect, but, that is
where the beauty lies, in all their imperfections, in all
their graceful flaws.

i am not searching for a perfect person, just the person i
believe i am meant to be with, the one i see myself in,
the one whose heart is written across my heart, bound and
held in the silence of one another.

i think too often we find ourselves in relationships we think
we cannot leave, or they become so routine and comfortable
that we stay out of safety and stability. i know i have done
this, and i see many others who do the same thing.
unhappy in a union where their heart isnt true.

the real bouquet in life comes in staying true to ourselves
and our hearts. that is when the heart blossoms and we are
free to live and be who we are.
post #83 of 95
There you go again, Blue....saying such absolutely beautiful things, that you make my heart cry!

I think maybe it is too bad we are not one of us male and one female... We would make such a perfect couple!!!!!
post #84 of 95
I haven't been keeping up with this thread too much because it has gotten SO long. But, Katie, I have to tell you, I just LOVE your heart felt poetic words. They are so moving and feeling and, as a writer myself, I feel like an amature in reading how you convey what you feel. Simply put, JUST BEAUTIFUL!
post #85 of 95
About a 2 years ago, I suspected that my depression had become bipolar (manic-depression). I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and asked him if he thought I was right. I explained my symptoms: for a day and a half I felt incredibly energetic and confident, and I was also laghing way to much. He looked at me for a good long moment and then said, "You're not manic. You're happy. Most people feel this way fairly often."
I was stunned.
It had been so long since I'd been actually happy that I forgot what it felt like. Since then, I've tried to use that brief happy spell as kind of a goal to reach for when I am really down. I tell myself that if I was happy once, I can somehow be happy again. One of my main problems when I'm down is that I feel like the despair will last forever--having a shred of hope truly helps.

Right now, my depression seems to be at medium (on my scale)--could be better, could be worse. I'm in several kinds of therapy. I feel for all of you out there. I know what the bottomless pit feels like. Hand holds are there if you just keep reaching out. I hope you find yours soon.
post #86 of 95
alexnell...... thank you for your post....I think you just made me realize something....I too had been wondering if possibly I was manic depresssive, because some days I am so alive and laughing to the point of almost being giddy! Then the next day I am so blue. But I think I just realized from your post....that when I feel that way...I am truley happy!!! like you said...sometimes it has been so long since we have felt that way, because of all the problems in our life, and depression, that we actually forget what feeling happy feels like!!! Thank you for your post!!!
post #87 of 95
Sorry guys, I know I dont post much in these types of discussions. I am more of an avoid the bad and scary feelings person. I have to push it all down in order to get through it all latley. Too much going on to process out loud and all the time. I thought though that I would share something I realized just days ago.
I always hear about how people kill themselves because life sucks. Or they wonder why they arent happy all the time and why life is not like it should have been. I am sure most would not agree, but I really think life is a struggle. Happiness is not meant to be with us every minute of every day. I think happiness comes to us in little forms. Like a chocolate chip cookie, someones comments,a kind deed or even just a smile. I havnt met one person yet who can say that their lives are nothing but happy. I really do think it comes to all of us in this way.
Okay, just wanted to share that revelation and I feel better now that I have said it out loud. Thanks for putting up with me..LOL
post #88 of 95
Thread Starter 
first of all, Debby, you're such a cutie! how'd did you get to
be so incredible?

okay, Chuck, ... what can i say? you have been making me cry
a lot lately, i am becoming leary of your posts! ... you are
so very kind.

the way i feel about happiness is the way i have always felt,
and it mirrors your thoughts Sandie.

it comes in the little things, and the harder things, the
things we must work toward, accomplish in ourselves & in our lives, hearts, minds.

i dont take the little things for granted...

that first cup of coffee that is just perfect, the notes my
roomate leaves me before he goes off to work - i look forward
to reading them everynight when i am thinking in bed & smiling,
the middle of a really good book you cant wait to finish but
at the same time, dont ever want to finish,
writing something that i feel is strong and beautiful, and ME,
goodnight hugs and my other best-friend who always brings me
flowers just as the last ones are beginning to die,
that first cigarette, or a really good meal, warm, cool nights...

so many things, so many little, important things make me happy,
give birth to a smile that i can pass on to others throughout
the day. these are the things i lean on, and hold dearest to
my soul for they are the things that bring light into my life
when it seems all the lights are forever burnt out.

i dont wallow in my pain, or depression so much as breathe it
in and try to understand it, and myself.
post #89 of 95
I feel the same way as you do about finding value in the "small stuff". Sometimes the small things are the most important, because they come at just the right time to get me through. A few of the tiny joys I've experienced recently have been: having my big toe nibbled by one of my foster kittens, seeing the local rabbit eat dandelions in my back yard (instead of my tulips), and seeing a full rainbow for the first time in many years. Maybe we could have a thread about the small, happy things?
post #90 of 95
That is a wonderful idea alexnell!!! You should start a thread about the small happy things.....that would be great!!!!
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