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post #1 of 95
Thread Starter 
it's 2:40 a.m. here, and i am stuck with insomnia - again.

why is it when i am up & about and have energy and
things on my mind, no one else is around! img]http://www.earthzoom.net/confused.gif[/img]

not just here on this site, but in my house as well;
my roomate is sleeping, and my cats are too, and even if he
was awake i dont know if i'd have anything to say exactly.
i have in-your-head insomnia, if that makes any sense.
my thoughts are going a mile a minute, but i cant focus on
them and relay them to other people.

so this is kind of stream-of-conciousness thoughts.

feel free to post your own musings if you read this

my back pain is getting worse and worse by the day,
but i cant complain or pull out my hair because i'm
not getting treatment at the moment... with this
depression i have, it makes it impossible some days
to even get out of bed, much less make appointments.

so i suffer. and i feel like my days are wasting away
right before my eyes, and i cant do anything about it.
like i am not spending them well, or well enough.

i'm tired all the time, and my energy is lower then someone
who has long been dead and buried. i cant get up without
strain or move around easily, i hate getting up & down,
and the idea of going out is horrifying at times because
of this low energy, and depression.

it's all i can do to keep from screaming these days, but
maybe i should be screaming, screaming at the top of my
lungs... maybe i should let myself cry more. talk more.

i've said " thoughts " too many times in my head
and now i have the distinct feeling it's really
not a real word

now my roomate, Cameron, is snoring, something he will
try to refute tomorrow if i tell him - men

is anyone else up out there? the sun is probaly up or almost
up for some of you by now. come talk with me

i'm going to make some herbal tea and take a bath

try to relax myself into a sleepy state.
post #2 of 95
I've missed you around these parts, or is that posts? *G* I know full well what you feel like these days. There are ways to battle insomnia, and part of why you are depressed during the days, is because you aren't getting enough sleep. But, as you lay down at night, I can bet your thoughts are racing, and you can't stem the tide. I am usually up the same time you are, and my computer is on, I am just not always at this website. Feel free to email me on the nights you are having problem. My email is miller478@home.com

There are things you can do to help ease insomnia. You can start taking kava kava, valerian, or drinking chamomille tea. Prior to your bedtime, start drinking warm water, and surprisingly, fatigue during the day is a lot of times connected with the fact that we don't drink near enough water- try to increase your water intake more and more as the days pass, and see if that doesn't help?

Also, there is a neat website, set up by a woman who also suffers from these nights of no sleep.Here is the website address: http://www.nvo.com/isleepless

I hope you get a handle on all this soon. Having to live with chronic pain is hard enough- you need your sleep. Try not to nap in the afternoons, stay away from sodas and coffees after 2:00 in the afternoon, and try increasing the time of your bedtime earlier and earlier every three days. Hope some of this helps you- feel better soon okay?


post #3 of 95
Hi Blue-

It made me sad to read your post. Depression is an evil thing. It keeps perpetuating itself, keeping you in the downward spiral. I have been there, as have many of us, if I read and interpret the posts correctly. If you can find one positive thing, grab it and hold on like it's a lifeline. Sometimes you need someone who will help find that one thing for you. Do you have access to some kind of counselor? Even a crisis-type line? Please don't suffer alone. Email me if you want to. We are here for you and want to help.
post #4 of 95
Blue and Deb,

I suffer from depression and have been on medicine for years. Blue, you should see someone for it. Before I did, I stayed in bed for weeks at a time with all the shades drawn. Insomnia is a symptom of depression as well as all the other signs you mentioned. Do yourself a favor, find a doctor who will help you. You'll see a difference! Depression is a silent disease. Don't let it get the best of you. You're too good a person! Let me know how you make out and if you ever want to chat, e-mail me at donna_ploss@yahoo.com

I'm here to listen.
post #5 of 95
Thread Starter 
thanks everyone for your replies.

i have been in therapy for 7 years now. since i was 13.
i have just recently switched to a new phychiatrist and
things are going well. i'm not on any medication yet, as
they are still trying to determine what kind of depression
it is i suffer from, but they keep dropping hints, they
think it may be bi-polar so, we'll see.

since the time i was 13 i knew all the signs of depression;
sleeping too much, or not enough, or not at all,
eating too much, or not enough, or not at all...
withdrawing from friends and the world... self-loathing...
shame... too many to
count; so, i'll just stop there.

my sleeping schedule seems to shift, either i'm sleeping too much or not enough.

i am doing my best to not let it get the best of me, but,
i feel like there's just too much i've been through,
and have to deal with, yknow? like not just one horrible
experience, but more then i have fingers & toes. for my age, that is, i am only 20 and i've been through more then
most people ever will in their life time.

this isnt about pity, just getting out my anger.
i dont think my problems are bigger then anyone elses either.

it's very overwhelming, and i am so tired of the negativity.

i barely know how to laugh anymore, or just cant seem
to find humour in anything.

hissy, Deb, and Donna - thanks for your concerns, and for responding, i know their are a few of us here at this site
that are depressed, and have been for a long time - maybe
we can help each other through it when it's rough. thanks for your email addresses, i just might take you up on it

i've never really learned how to talk about things, those
skeletons, or whatever you want to call them, even in 7
years of therapy my therapist barely knew the things i went through, and was going through... and that of course, defeats the whole point of therapy. so, i'm learning.

i hope you all have a good weekend, thanks for listening.


[Edited by blue on 04-13-2001 at 02:28 PM]
post #6 of 95
If some of here unburdened ourselves and dumped all our painful luggage out in the aisles, you would not feel so alone. I know back in my past, I wondered why I was waking up each day? What was the point of going on? I had no desire to get out of bed, no desire to live, then one day, I got up and struggled to the store, and I was attacked in an alley. I fought back with a strength I didn't know I possessed, and the man had full intentions of raping me. He ripped off my shorts, to be greeted with a row of new stitches from a recent surgery I had had. It freaked him out and he ran off, it also saved my life and redirected my focus. I quit letting life overwhelm me, and got help, went on meds and began to make my life. Now with this last accident I suffered, I sometimes feel like I am back at square one and I give in to the moment, feel sorry for myself and even come here for sympathy. Later, I am sorry, because so many of you have gone through worse than me, and I feel I have no right to complain. That is my life and MY reality blue, I am casting no aspersions on you at all. I am just trying to let you know, that in misery and depression, you will find a large club that is getting bigger each day. As was shared, don't give in- Lord have mercy girl! You have so much to give this world! I know you will be a published author someday. Out of our experiences springs our personal growth, whether we want that experience or not!

Hugs (((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))
post #7 of 95
Oh Blue...I just read this thread, and I am so very very sorry you are having problems. I will say a prayer for you tonight, and I hope you get some help for your back pain.

I too suffer from depression and am on anti-depressants.
There are many days I just can't get myself out of bed, becuase I am so depressed. I have missed alot of work because of it.

I know most of my problem is dealing with the deaths of most of my family members. It is just so hard. I know what you mean about going through alot. This is a list of some of the things I have had to deal with in the past years.

When I was 21...my mother suffered from strokes and lost her mind completely.

When I was 23...grandpa died ( I was very close to him)
At 26, my grandma died
at 28, my other grandma died
at 31, my mom died
at 34, my dad died.

I am 35 now...and I keep thinking...what is next???????

I am sorry to hear what you went through too, Hissy...and I know many people have gone through much worse than I have, so I have no right to complain, or feel this way....but I do.

I feel like my life as I knew it...(my family) is just gone.

I still have three brothers, but only one of them lives near here.

People just don't understand what depression can do to you.
I hope you know we are ALWAYS here for you, Blue. You guys are my family now. I hope you will get some medication that will help you. I know how hard it is.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. We love you.
post #8 of 95
blue, I hope they find the right medication quick enough. There's no point in suffering like this. I had a therapist (psychologist) who thought that talking could solve my problems. It took 4 long months before I insisted on seeing a psychiatersit who immidiately put me on prozac. It took a couple of months for the medicine to start working but boy what a difference!!!

Please everyone, don't feel a need to apologize for feeling bad about all the bad things that happened to you. It's only natural! Depression is a state of mind that we have no control over. No one chooses to become depressed! It's a chemical reaction in the brain and an illness just like any other. Stress is a major trigger for depression and it sure sounds like you've all gone through very stressful crises in life.

I'm happy to say that my troubles were very small. I had too much of a good thing when I had my breakdown. I had a wonderful relationship and a great career change. I was promoted at the time to a new and exciting job and was considered to be very successful at it by my superiors. It was a vicious circle - I was getting credit and compliments and worked harder and harder to earn it. So much so that I freaked out into a series of panic attacks (not knowing what they were at the time). So you see, while on the the outside people still thought I must be the happiest person in the world (I kept up apperances the whole time), I was dying from the inside. It took me months to seek help and even longer to get the help I actually needed.

Well, you're the first people on this earth other than my shrink and husband that I'm sharing this with... I hope we all gain strength from each other.

Hugs everyone!
post #9 of 95
It is so amazing that we can feel so utterly alone and isolated when the reality of it is that more of us feel sad, depressed, hopeless than not. Blue, I hope you find something that works for you. It's out there, it's just a matter of tracking it down. I've never thought of myself as a person who suffers from depression, but the older I get the more I think about going on some kind of medication. life just gets more and more complicated, and i start to feel like i can't handle all the curve balls coming my way.

my dad went on wellbutrin (not sure if i spelled that right) about 7 years ago and it has made a TREMENDOUS difference in him. I wish he had discovered it 27 years ago! (as i am 28) because my childhood would have been a lot easier. he was so quick to anger, everything set him off, he would yell at the top of his lungs and say very cruel things. now things don't bother him. he's very very mellow. it's smoothed out the edges for him. our relationship is 100% better.

i've been in therapy a couple different times in my life. my dad put us all in when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. i think that only lasted about 2 months. the dr. told my dad i was coping well and didn't need to see him. then i put my self in about 4 years ago because i was freaking out about letting people get close to me because i was sure i was going to lose them also. that didn't last long either because i couldn't afford it as often as i needed it. even with insurance, it was $50 dollars an hour and i couldn't do that once a week.

blue, until you figure out how you are going to bring some peace into your life, try to draw strength from the fact that you are not alone. that people care about you, and that most of them know almost exactly how you are feeling. all of us here, are here for you.
post #10 of 95
Dear Katie,

I just read your story and I'm so sorry for you. The only way out of this is to fight back...that's from my own personal experience...this disease is so insideous as it preys on your weakest moments and tries to draw on all the negativty one possess. I pray that this depression comes to an end very soon. You're only 20 years old and have a lifetime of wonderful dreams to see through...You're extremely gifted, anyone of us can see this...

My prayers are with you sweetie.

post #11 of 95
Thread Starter 
wow, thanks to everyone who has responded, thank you for
your concerns & compliments - i am utterly speechless &

the problem with medications is i cant really take them -
my body reacts violently to them - it is some kind of
disorder? so, they want to figure out if there are any
kinds of medication that i will be able to take that are
also right for me.

i'm in no hurry. i think therapy - talking about those demons instead of keeping them under the bed, under the
surface, i think that's the best approach. i think
medication has it's use, to make life easier, and more
manageable - to give us that extra push in the mornings,
and inspire in us HOPE - i know i need the extra
help, there are times when we cant do it by ourselves, even
if we have support from friends & family.

but, getting it out, talking about it,
writing about it - over & over with different people, and to ourselves, i think that's where the real therapy is. i know i should be practicing what i am preaching here, and i am trying, i am slowly opening up to those who care about me, and wont look at me differently.

i always thought if i talked about it i had a lot to lose,
but i have nothing to lose, only so much to gain.

this is as much your thread as it it mine, use it how you
want, tell your stories, you have nothing to lose.

i am not here looking for pity, nor will i dish it out, i
just want to listen, and love, and talk - catharsis, it
helps me breathe when i write and let it all go.

all of you are angels, so warm & generous. thank you.
post #12 of 95
Oh Blue....we DO care about you....VERY MUCH!! And would never think any different of you, no matter what you told us. If you feel better getting it off your chest....we are here to listen, and hopefully help....not judge. Not ever.

So, any time you want....we'll be here, for a therapy session....and I know I need a few therapy sessions, myself!!
post #13 of 95
Amen! i really thinking talking about things really helps and Debby is right, you won't find any judgement here.
post #14 of 95
Thread Starter 
talking is the best therapy, i'm just not so sure an open
forum is the best place for my damage... i dont fear your
judgements, or being looked at differently, just that there
is a lot, and it's not pretty, and i wouldnt want to make
anyone uncomfortable. so. that's where i'm coming from.

Debby - i know you are here for me, as i am for you, as best as i can - and understand the importance of talking, but, you have to understand some of the experiences i've had are just too violent and horrid;
i am dealing with it all, but, i dont want to bring up
anything that might be hard for someone else to see, someone
else with perhaps a similar experience. yknow?

what do you think?

love to you all

post #15 of 95

The offer to talk privately still stands. Sometimes saying it out loud is the first step.
post #16 of 95
I completely understand where you are coming from and I respect your privacy.

I'm not afraid of things that are hard, unpleasant or even violent & horrid. I have many, many friends who have suffered simply awful experiences. I consider myself lucky that the most I have been through is the death of a parent, the verbal abuse of another, and the insecurites and low self esteem that haunt me when the lights are out. but I don't turn away from friends when they need me, no matter how bad it may be. you may be right about some things hitting too close to home with some people, but nobody has to read or respond, and you never know, you may help somebody deal with thier own inner demons.
post #17 of 95
Blue....you have my e-mail still don't you? I swear anything you say to me will always be between you and I. I think of you as the little sis I never had.

If you would rather not talk about it....that' okay....but if you want or need to, I am here....contact me. I love you.
post #18 of 95
Dear Katie,

Please talk with someone that you can confide in...Deb's so right! Unlocking the minds door when you're in pain is the best treatment. Whatever it is that happened; please do not relive it every day...it's the past and my prayers are that you don't let it control your future. You are too sweet Blue. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
post #19 of 95
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering from depression. I've been engaged in such a battle, too. But in many ways, I'm the luckiest person in the world — now. About three years ago, I finally began a protocol involving medication which really helped. I'd been seeing mental-health professionals off and on since 1974, but beginning about eleven years ago things got to the point where I needed ongoing help.

Now I've a psychiatrist who prescribes sertraline, as well as a therapist with whom I meet on a regular basis. There were times when I was without shelter, proper food, et cetera; but thanks to the help I began receiving three years ago I've nearly recovered a place in "civilized" society.

One of the saddest aspects of depression can be the dirth of acquaintances who understand what you're experiencing. Most people can appreciate the externals: you're "down" all the time, you're unkempt in appearance, you're homeless, you're grumpy, you're unemployed, you're broke, et cetera. But all too often judgments are made and people whom you love become unreachable, perhaps forever.

I do believe, however, that you shall indeed muster the strength and wisdom to overcome obstacles to your well-being. It's not like the tide tables, with set times for phenomena to occur, but you WILL find the path to peace of mind in your own good time. You'll see!

post #20 of 95
Katie, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Life has a way of zinging you sometimes, even if things are going well, your mind still plummets into an abyss at times.

I find it interesting that you said your thoughts are racing thru your mind but you can't focus on them. I have that problem frequently and more so as 35 quickly approaches. Its as if sometimes you feel like your going to go screaming down the street incoherantly of whatever is on your mind and be locked up for it.

There have been times that I have seriously wondered if I'm crazy. But, it seems that many people face their inner demons on a daily basis and some days it is as if those demons will envelope you whole and you feel that you can get lost in that dark place inside yourself and never pull out.

Don't let life knock your legs from under you. I know that you some days have to make a real effort to just get out of bed, much less be productive. I'm getting more scared as each day passes and I am still struggling with my goals in life and being reactive far more than proactive. It's especially hard when a migraine causes you to double over and get fuzzy visioned or your body hurts in ways that you think only a person on their death bed could suffer. I know, because I still face these same kinds of demons and, as in this past week, I totally isolated myself from my friends (til' Easter anyway).

If you want to talk, email me and I'll give you my toll free number so you can call if you'd like.
post #21 of 95
Mr. Cat....I really liked what you had to say....especially the part about loved ones becoming unreachable, sometimes forever, because they don't understand.

I finally decided to get some help after a really bad night last Monday, I almost had a nervous breakdown, and realized I need help (professional) dealing with my dad's death, and some of my other problems that have me so down. There are days I want to stay in bed forever, because when I am sleeping...I don't feel the pain in my heart.

I made an appointment for next Wednesday to talk to a therapist. I am nervous....I have never been to one before...but I know I am taking a step in the right direction.

How are you doing Blue? I worry about you.
post #22 of 95
Thread Starter 


dont worry about me, take care of you, angel. i'm so happy to hear that you are going to see a therapist, talking about our problems is the best therapy, i swear. anti-depressants help, but getting it all out, opening the floodgates, is release, something we all need at one point. remember, your therapist will be there only to help, and guide, the time you spend with him/her is your time.


i'm alright, thanks to you and everyone who asked, and wrote here. i want to write a longer post, but i cant right now, i just wanted to let you know Debby that you are going to be okay, but you have to be willing to work for it... but, you'll be alright.

you're a beautiful, bright star in my skies, and in those skies of everyone who has met you.

post #23 of 95
I'm so glad you made an appointment to see a therapist! that is the first step. now you will have someone help you through your feelings. let us know how it goes.

post #24 of 95
Dear Katie,
You've made the biggest, most important step for your future happiness I'm very, very excited for you. You're a beautiful young woman with so much to offer.
post #25 of 95
Thank you Blue and AP for your words of encouragement. I will have to let you know how it goes.
post #26 of 95
Thread Starter 

thank you for your reply, you articulated yourself in
just the way i would hope to do if it was the other way
around, thank you.

thank you to MeowMan, and Mr.Cat, Catarina, Debby, Deb25 -
all of you, thank you.


my story truly is too long, i think half the time that i
am 60 yrs old, looking back on my life, wondering about the
sleepless nights, and days i missed, and why? but i am 20,
and i have my life ahead of me, i know i am not what has
happened to me, i am just who i am.

the saddest thing to me is that most of the people in my
life also treat me as though i am the elder, the parent,
the therapist, the provider... they all treat me as though
i actually am 60... and this makes it hard to remember to
laugh, and just live. my life is the furthest thing from
what i can only imagine it should be, then again, would i
want a typical life? that which is suited to my age, thoughts too
which are suited to my age, experiences &
phases... it has never been that way.

i will tell it soon, my story, but tonight i am too drained and exhausted.
it's 3:00 a.m. and i am left wondering again
how it came to this late hour without my noticing.

thank you all for listening, and for sharing. i have read
every post, all your words.
post #27 of 95
you know blue, i don't think there is a 'typical' life. everyones experiences differ so much that there isn't any such thing. your life is special, because it's yours. all you can do is the best you can and not hurt anyone or thing along the way. i know the feelings you are describing and my heart bleeds for you. i would take it all away if i could, but since i can't all i can do is be the best friend possible and give you a shoulder when you need it. if it helps you to talk about it here...then do it. anyone who doesn't feel comfortable can make the choice not to read it. if that doesn't feel right, then find something, anything that does. we're all here to support any choice you make.
post #28 of 95
Dearest Katie,

As I read your posting, I felt a prisoner once again from the haunting of a very horrifying experience that lasted from the ages of six through thirteen.

I can only tell you that subsequent to those years; my life was a living hell. However; it did get better! Now I'm JOYOUS and FREE Please seek out that counselor and if you have already; just hang on to their words. I had to act "as if" things were fine for a while until I started to believe in myself once again.

It appears that you're life has been the total antithesis of mine. Although that may be the case, emotions are emotions, anger, hurt, happiness, frustration...etc...we all have them; but it hurts so bad if we don't know "why" we feel the way we do...I know in my heart that you'll overcome this soon. I THANK GOD you're so young and are getting this out in the open now....

God Bless You Sweetheart
post #29 of 95
Please hang in there Blue...and when you are ready to talk...we will be ready to help the best we can.

post #30 of 95
Thread Starter 
the day is already half spent, and i am screaming. my hands are empty; there is nothing to hold onto, there is nothing which holds me. where is the substance, the lightness in my walk, in my smile, in my movement; subtle pain,
silences stretching miles of memory across my face. grace speaks for my feet, carrying me not in the direction i know,
but further away from home everyday.

i wonder what holds me together, am i only bone and sinew, blood and muscles and pain. i cant breathe today,
my fingers search for meaning in all these bleak winter thoughts;

my small hands have held oceans.
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