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How do you cope?

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
I hope this is in the right place, but I have a question...

How do you cope with children from multiple marriages or are you a child of parents of multiple marriages?

What I mean is, how do you live with step-siblings who are not blood related or is it easy to intergrate your DH's family to yours???

For example, you were previously married and had 2 kids from this 1st marriage, you marry someone new who also has children from previous marriage, and then you have children of your own with this new husband...what are the family dynamics?

It doesn't happen too often over here and I wonder how it all works out...
post #2 of 15
We're lucky in that Mom's first husband (and sister's father) left and never wanted parental rights. He signed them over and allowed my father to adopt sis. (Dad's proposal included saying he'd adopt my sister. Isn't that sweet? He was the first of Mom's boyfriends that sis approved of. )

I guess dynamics really depend on the families and personalities involved. If members are willing to accept, it isn't too bad. Some families never fulling integrate and some take a while.

I hope I've made some sense.
post #3 of 15
Its rough. I had two step mothers a step father. Two step sisters , 1 half brother and 1 brother and 1 sister. I opted to live with my grandmother from the age of 12 . I had spent most of my time with her anyways. Thank goodness for grand parents is all I can say.
post #4 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gardenandcats View Post
Its rough. I had two step mothers a step father. Two step sisters , 1 half brother and 1 brother and 1 sister. I opted to live with my grandmother from the age of 12 . I had spent most of my time with her anyways. Thank goodness for grand parents is all I can say.
So, do you spend the holidays with your grandmom and what about your full blooded sibs? Where do they go for the holidays?
post #5 of 15
When I was 12, my father remarried a woman, who had a 5 y/o daughter. Daddy adopted my stepsister and I was suddenly relegated to second-class citizen. A few months after their marriage, my stepmother shipped us off to my mother and stepfather (MUCH better situation). My stepfather's two daughters were never an issue, as one was already married and the other one lived in California with her mother.

As for me, I've always avoided men with children at home, as I am not prepared to cope with someone else's children. Selfish? Yes but, better for everyone involved.
post #6 of 15
My Dad married my Step-Mom when I was 20, and I can say that at the time it happened I was really upset. I quickly got over it when I saw how happy she made my father. I talk to her about twice a month for half an hour to an hour at a time. She's a wonderful person. The best thing she ever said to me was, "Honey, I don't want to be your Mom, you have one of those. I want to be a person who can give you direction if you ask." To be quite honest, she really has.
post #7 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abymummy View Post
So, do you spend the holidays with your grandmom and what about your full blooded sibs? Where do they go for the holidays?
Some families alternate holidays.

Because of nephew's ex-in-laws, our clan is used to celebrating any event at any time! (He and ex-wife had 2 kids and her family HAS to have them on holidays because you can only celebrate a holiday on that day! They're odd, IMO - but that opinion is based on other things that has happened.)
post #8 of 15
In 1978 I married a man with a 6 year old son. My daughter was 15. The stepson lived with his mother until he was 12. At that time, I convinced my husband to lets try to get him to live with us. I could see the handwriting on the wall. He was basically turned loose to do as he wished. I knew if the time came his mother couldn't handle him, she would fork him over to us and I told my husband I was not going to do that. He came to live with us when he was in 6th grade. He got a firm hand from his father. His dad told him in the beginning he had to obey me just like he obeyed his father. He finished high school, never got in trouble. He joined the marines, and now owns his own business. His mother lives in another state and he seldom sees her. I never spoke bad of his mother to him or around him. He maintains a decent relationship but he knows he is my son. He lives about a 30 minute drive from us and is a blessing to me and his father both. It takes a commitment to raise someone elses son, but a smart person will never try to make a spouse choose between them and a child from another marriage. The child aways wins in the circumstance.
post #9 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by katl8e View Post
As for me, I've always avoided men with children at home, as I am not prepared to cope with someone else's children. Selfish? Yes but, better for everyone involved.
I don't see that as selfish at all. Selfish would be knowing you don't want to cope with someone else's children, but dating a man knowing full well he had kids and then doing your best to edge them out of his life.

My cousin is engaged to a woman who has two children from a previous relationship, and they've just had their first child together. I'm curious to see how this works out for them, because I think for the most part my family considered my cousin's fiancee to be expendable and temporary until she got pregnant and they got engaged. (Aside from my immediate family, I don't have a terribly supportive or cohesive family. I choose to have very little to do with most of them.) Now that they have a daughter together, I'm afraid the two children from the previous relationship will become second-class citizens to the rest of my family, because the family view will be that only the daughter is "one of them." I sometimes feel like my family is some kind of social experiment, to see how many mentally screwed-up people we can produce ...
post #10 of 15
I never had to deal with that and hopfully never will
post #11 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirinae View Post
I sometimes feel like my family is some kind of social experiment, to see how many mentally screwed-up people we can produce ...
Well, there is a similar experiment going on down my way too! Howdy Cousin! Have to laugh, either that or .
post #12 of 15
Thread Starter 
And then there's the issue of step siblings (no blood relations at all) "falling in love" and marrying each other...not incestuous but eeewww anyway...or like that movie star marrying his adopted daughter...
post #13 of 15
I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened. My parents divorce when I was 7 lead to both of them remarrying. My stepparents are the greatest. I love them both. My stepfather brought two daughters into the family and I love them like my sisters. He and my mother had a son and we've always been very close. I never differentiate between having step and half siblings, they're always just sisters and brothers.
My dad and stepmom never had children, so I'm an only child with them. I have the best of both worlds. Being an only child and having a big family with two sisters and a brother and four neices and nephews.

Holidays were tricky when young. I usually ate twice at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter to avoid feeling guilty. My parents alternated whose house I would wake up at Christmas morning for presents.

The greatest thing is that both sets of parents and all my siblings live within 5 miles of each other. I'm the only one living far away.
post #14 of 15
I dont think I could deal with step children. I love my own son, but I am not a kid person. Other kids annoy me. I'd personally avoid a relatonship with someone who already has kids because I wouldnt be able to deal.
post #15 of 15
A friend of mine has something like 15 siblings, between all her half-brothers and half-sisters and stepsiblings. They all get along like "normal" siblings. It's pretty remarkable.
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