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What are your thoughts on this?

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
My brother and sister in law have a weird relationship...........they both work full time, but when she comes home, she doesn't want to do anything. He has to take care of the kids, do the laundry, most of the cooking etc. She says she's tired and needs to relax.................... I love her to death and this seems to work for them, but every now and then he complains to Mom. I think it's up to him to say something to her, not to Mom.......

I do most of the stuff around the house, but then Jerry has two jobs. One in insurance and one as a firefighter...........I enjoy taking care of my home and just take that on as my second job.........

I would let him scoop the kitty litter though if he wanted to!
post #2 of 18
I think - "Whatever works for THEM"
post #3 of 18
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I guess, but then when Steve complains to Mom, it makes me think it's not working for them 100%
post #4 of 18
I sure wouldnt mind having a husband like that
post #5 of 18
Sounds to me like the exact opposite of what most women complain about in relationships!

Usually it's the woman that has to work 20 out of 24 hours with both a regular full-time job as well as taking care of the house, the kids, the errands, etc., etc., etc.

I saw, good for HER!!!

As long as her hubby is ok with the arrangement, then no one can criticize. If he's NOT ok with it, then it is up to him to stand up to HER about it, and not your mom. It's honestly no one else's beeswax but your brother and his wife's.

Maybe he secretly likes being so depended on, but enjoys complaining about it - I've met MANY people that are like that, LOL.
post #6 of 18
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by GingersMom View Post
Maybe he secretly likes being so depended on, but enjoys complaining about it - I've met MANY people that are like that, LOL.
Never thought of that, but you might be right Betsy! Jerry is alittle like that too. He likes to be needed!
post #7 of 18
Originally Posted by kittylover4ever View Post
Yeah, I guess, but then when Steve complains to Mom, it makes me think it's not working for them 100%
Yeah Susie and then real soon Mom will be getting a bad taste in her mouth about his wife to, that's what happens and how we come sometimes not to like someone. Is he the quite type I know Men are usually better now then they were years ago about helping but it needs to be 100% 100%, and if he just does everything then she knows he will. I am a firm beleiver in .. "You teach people how to treat you"
My 1st hubby he would cook, clean up, vaccum, my hubby now doe not know where any of those things are or go If I ask him to do something he will he'll do anything but no one has to ask me to cook, clean do laundry
post #8 of 18
You know the roles are changing more and more as women begin to enter the workforce.
Heck, my parents still think its strange that my Brother and SIL have separate checking accounts...BUT they never argue about money.

Me personally? Lately I would rather have a Jerry than my B right now. He's stressed at work, but doesn't really cook or clean...just does laundry once a week and takes the trash out. Whereas I'm currently the one making most of the "Bread" Here, going to school full time, and still cook, clean the dishes, vacuum, scrub, clean the cat litter.

Actually my 2 minute break is up...I"m back to the take-home test.
post #9 of 18
haha I'd say it's how it should be.. No seriously, It should be pretty close to equal. If he's cooking then she should be helping teh kids with homework... at least.
post #10 of 18
I guess my take on it is "whatever works for them" -- but if he's complaining to his mother, then maybe it's NOT working so well.

That "division of labour" would not work in this house, nor would its opposite. We both work 9-5 jobs, and when we come home we each do our share of what needs to be done around here -- the roles are pretty traditional, but that's fine because we're both pretty traditional, and on balance, it works out. But neither of us walks in the door and is immediately unable to lift a finger. NOPE.

I think if he's not happy with the situation, he should be talking with his wife, not his mother -- for one thing, because complaining to his mother is not going to change how his wife functions. But just as important is the fact that, after a certain amount of that, there becomes a possibility of "in-law angst" developing -- much as you all love your SIL, if your brother is "getting a raw deal" on the household functions, it can start to colour how people feel toward her -- and that can be an insidious thing. Look at you. You "love her to death", but it's bugging you, isn't it?

You're right, Sooz. He needs to sort it out with his wife, not his Mom.
post #11 of 18
Originally Posted by ckblv View Post
I think - "Whatever works for THEM"
Yep, I'm with you (which doesn't happen very often does it?? Lol... ) - but coming from a situation where my partner and I both work full time, and he does considerably more around the house than I do, I see his frustrations and I've made a really concerted effort to change. I truly believe it should be shared responsibility, and if you both work full time, then you're both tired, and you should take on such things together. It's not a `woman's' or a `man's' role - and it's the only cause of tension in our relationship. It's just not fair to make one person do all the housework if you both work full time jobs.

Having said that, if he didn't mind and wanted to do it all, I'd let him pretty quick without too much complaining!!
post #12 of 18
I'm what they call " The old school " as in i do the womanly things in the house, such as the cleaning, ironing etc...because i want to, and the man does any decorating or DIY, and if there isn't one around, pay for the work to be done.

If it works for them then fine, but if he's complaining to your mum then the two of them need to do some talking together to try and sort something out.
post #13 of 18
Its been my experience in a marriage that once you take a job its yours to keep. If your brother isn't happy with what he has taken on, he should work with his wife to change it ASAP or it will always be that way. He is the only one who should speak to his wife about it though. Outsiders can cause a lot more problems.
post #14 of 18
I agree that he needs to talk to his wife. The next time he says something to your Mom, she should direct him to his wife.

Two other thoughts come to mind...one is that maybe she is not feeling well, and does not really have the energy to help out after work. I'm pretty beat after work, and do as little as necessary...a quick meal, kids homework, etc. Most of the work around the house is done on the weekends.

The other thought...my ex thought he did most of the house work. He would throw a load in the washer, I would put it in the dryer, fold and put away. To him, he did that load of laundry. He probably started 25% of the laundry in our home, and NEVER completed the whole job. He once told someone he did 75% of the laundry. (I burst into laughter, because that caught me by surprise!) Or I would fix the majority of a meal, and he would open a can of green beans, and believe that he had fixed dinner. He always gave himself more credit, and me less for what I accomplished. Is it possible that your brother is over exaggerating what he does?
post #15 of 18
Honestly, I think marriage should be an equal thing- both partners should work together- no one person should have to do everything.
post #16 of 18
I think that it is about time men take atleast half the responsibility for household duties. It's sickening to watch women who work as hard or harder during the day, then have to come home, clean , cook, take care of the children all the while their lazy, selfish husbands sit on their royal butts.

My household is similar to that of your husbands. My Dh works fulltime (sometimes overtime) and I go to school full time. My husband does 85 % of the cooking and about 65 to 75% of the household cleaning. The only thing I forsure clean 100% is the bathroom. The only reason it's arranged so lop sided now is because my school day doesn't just end at 5:30 like his job does. I have continous homework and lately, I've almost had to spend every waking moment on homework and school.

We share most of the responsibilities when it comes to our son. Kyle watches him when I'm at school on the weekends and plays with him a lot, but I do most of the discipline and educational things.

As someone else mentioned earlier, because our lives are so hectic during the week, my poor house gets left until the weekends.
post #17 of 18
IMO if he has complaints he should be addressing this issue to his wife - not his mother. As long as it works for him; however in the long run when you have a situation where both work and one spouse (doesn't matter who) comes home and expects the other to do all the rest of the work - kids, pets, cooking, cleaning, etc. you will wind up with bigger problems later.

How long have they been married. Was this agreed between them prior to marriage?

With DH and I we talked about our "expectations" of marriage and of each other - we were upfront in what we wanted and agreed on chores, cooking, etc. cause we both work.

IMO its better if both work, then both come home and help each other out so one does not feel overwhelmed.
post #18 of 18
I agree - he and his wife need to work this out. Outside parties (especially his mom) should not be involved.

Like Fran, we are traditional in that I do the house stuff and John does all the outside and car repair stuff. It works for us. I do sometimes get grouchy when I come home nearly an hour later than hubby and he's sitting watching TV waiting for me to cook dinner, but then I remember that he'll be up until 1 in the morning installing new taps in the bathroom or any one of the other handy-man jobs we have on this old house.
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