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serious subject need advice!!!

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
ok this is the story:
I am 20 and i live in ny. i havent seen my mom since i was 16 years old. she lives in reno. i moved here to come stay with my grandma because my mom was addicted to drugs and i was too and had to get away from it. my mom and i didnt talk for about 3 years and then we started talking. my boyfriend and i are gonna go to reno in may for my 21st birthday, i am really excited but we are mainly going to see my bestfriend she is like my sister. but i told my mom i would see her too. although she was sober for a while, i think she may be using again. i know my mom like the back of my hand!! i am very confused on whether or not i want to see her. i recently talked to her and told her if she wasnt being good that i wasnt gonna see her and her response was fine dont come see me but im being good. my mom and i always had the reverse role where its like im the mother and she is the daughter. i have been sober now for almost 5 years and its still a struggle. my mom has always screwed everything up for me. but i want to show her that i am doing great and have grown up to be a very good young lady. my bf and i were also talking that if she is still using she needs a reality check. she hasnt seen my lil bro since he was like 8 or 9 and he is about to turn 16. crystal meth is a powerful drug. i just dont know what to do. does anyone have any suggestions??? sorry its so long too.
post #2 of 17
That's a tough one.......I'd say follow your heart..........
post #3 of 17
Oh dear, it is a tough call...I may be totally wrong about this but you sound strong enough to see her. She is your mom after all and she is still human. Even though she may be high on the day, somewhere in her subconcious she may feel relieved that something and someone in her life turned out all right and it may make her feel better and strong enough to change her life like you did.

I do agree with kittylover4ever, follow your heart.

I hope it all works out for you!
post #4 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abymummy View Post
Oh dear, it is a tough call...I may be totally wrong about this but you sound strong enough to see her. She is your mom after all and she is still human. Even though she may be high on the day, somewhere in her subconcious she may feel relieved that something and someone in her life turned out all right and it may make her feel better and strong enough to change her life like you did.

I do agree with kittylover4ever, follow your heart.

I hope it all works out for you!
thanks my boyfriend thinks we should see her and if she is not doing good let her know that i dont wanna be around that anymore. but she is still my mother, i dont know, just very hard for me but i am strong but i still dont know sometimes, i dont think i can deal with her letting me down again, she has hurt me so many times!!!
post #5 of 17
i am sure you know, reverse role thing happens in a lot of familys that have drug or drinking problems. I saw it with my uncle and cousins.

I was talking to my cousin couple of weeks ago about the same thing, that you are talking about here. I will tell you the same thing.

Look within yourself and see if you want to talk to you mom in person or not.
People that have those types of issue are sick, and need help or at least understanding. does not mean you approve of there action. There is no way to ever get the the normal roles back. if you think you can see them with no problems or issues then do it. only you know if you are ready to deal with it.

In my uncles case he also had mental disorder,and was not always himself, the drinking part just made it worse. He was not always able to care for his kids, and that still eats at him.
post #6 of 17
Wonderful - a serious subject for a change!

OK my advice is don't go with a whole lot of expectations of your mom. Get your head around accepting her whatever way you find her and she won't be able to disappoint you. You have done remarkably well in your own life - keep that in focus. I think it's great that your BF is going with you and will be standing beside you through the meeting. Always remember sweetie that you are only responsible for your own actions and that you cannot change anybody unless they want to change themselves.

Hugs and many kudos to you for being so strong and doing so well. How is your little brother doing? Is he with you and your Grandma? Be there for him and be his role model.

I wish you only good things in your life.
post #7 of 17
Follow your heart, and, if you go, definately bring your BF along for support.

Trust in yourself to get through this, which ever decision you make - it sounds like either will be hard.
post #8 of 17
Thread Starter 
my little brother lives in georgia with his grandmother, i dont live with my grandma and havent for like almost 4 years always been on my own, but i live with my boyfriend who is probably the greatest thing that has ever happend to me!!!!! i am always there for him, plus he is going through some difficulties in his life because of the fact that he is gay, but i have and will always be there for him!!!
post #9 of 17
Sweetie, the other thing you need to consider is that if you DO see your mom, is there a possibility that if she is using again, will that influence you? Do you feel strong enough to resist that influence if it happens to come up?
post #10 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittenKiya View Post
Sweetie, the other thing you need to consider is that if you DO see your mom, is there a possibility that if she is using again, will that influence you? Do you feel strong enough to resist that influence if it happens to come up?
thats another thing, one of the last times i saw my mom i just got out of rehab and she asked me if i wanted a hit and thats when i told her it was me or the drugs and she kicked me out. but i started using after she kicked me out. i believe i am strong enough, i know what the drug can do and how powerful it is. i believe that now i am strong enough to say no and walk away. thats also another reason on why i havent gone back in so long. but yes i know i am strong enough to not do it!
post #11 of 17
Thread Starter 
another thing i want to say to everyone in this thread is thank you!!!! when ever i talk about the subject to any one i always get told that my mom is a scumbag and this and that and its nice to know that there are people out there that arent putting her down. i mean i know she isnt right but a lot of people dont understand that addiction is a disease, and thank you all for being so supportive and helping me and giving me great advice i really appreciate it!!!!
post #12 of 17
If you are sure, really sure.....then follow your heart. At least YOU will know that you did everyting you could to be a peace with your mom. You hang in there and let us know how it goes. Loving headbuts and follow you heart licks from KittenKiya's Clan.
post #13 of 17
This sounds like the situation my sister-in-law was in with her own mother. This is what I can say on the matter...

If you think your mother only loves you if you use with her, you're wrong. It seems your mom wants a drug buddy, and you were there at the time. If she is clean and not using, it's a good time for you and her to establish a mother-daughter relationship, but if she only wants a "buddy," it's dangerous for you. Here is why I feel this way...

My sister-in-law used with her mother since she was around 13. She was using, on and off, when my brother married her. Throughout their marriage they battled with her drug addiction and her relationship with her mother. Jennifer (my SIL) would be clean for a few months and the minute she went to her mom's, she was using again.

This continued until her death, at the age of 26. While I don't know the cause for her death (my brother isn't telling anyone), we suspect it was from drug use. She died on her cousin's couch, hours after visiting her mother.

I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but be careful, and be sure that you are strong enough to resist. It's obvious you love your mother and long for a relationship with her, but be careful.

You have done great things with your life, and I commend you for your strength to stay clean. I'd hate for all of that to get lost.
post #14 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by emrldsky View Post
This sounds like the situation my sister-in-law was in with her own mother. This is what I can say on the matter...

If you think your mother only loves you if you use with her, you're wrong. It seems your mom wants a drug buddy, and you were there at the time. If she is clean and not using, it's a good time for you and her to establish a mother-daughter relationship, but if she only wants a "buddy," it's dangerous for you. Here is why I feel this way...

My sister-in-law used with her mother since she was around 13. She was using, on and off, when my brother married her. Throughout their marriage they battled with her drug addiction and her relationship with her mother. Jennifer (my SIL) would be clean for a few months and the minute she went to her mom's, she was using again.

This continued until her death, at the age of 26. While I don't know the cause for her death (my brother isn't telling anyone), we suspect it was from drug use. She died on her cousin's couch, hours after visiting her mother.

I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but be careful, and be sure that you are strong enough to resist. It's obvious you love your mother and long for a relationship with her, but be careful.

You have done great things with your life, and I commend you for your strength to stay clean. I'd hate for all of that to get lost.
wow i am sorry for your lost thanks for the advice. i think i will see her but i know i wont use and my boyfriend will be there with me to support me in anything. he knows all the symptoms of telling if i would be high, we talked about it before and i told him what i was like if i ws high. to be honest i know i wont use because of the fact its scary and i just dont want to be the person that i used to be. although your sil did get high with her mom my mom knows now that i wont and i told her this many times. but i know i will be ok i got all you wonderful people of tcs and i got my wonderful boyfriend but i will deff keep you guys posted when i go and come back. i just hope and pray that i am wrong about her using because i do want a mother daughter relationship with her but if i am wrong it wont be a surprise and i will know how to do deal with it.
post #15 of 17
It's still up to you, but I would still attempt to see her whether or not she's using. Unless you have hard feelings against her, she's still your mom.

Besides, if she is back on, then maybe its a good reality check. Kind of like a reminder of why you walked away from drugs.

Anyways, perhaps you could meet her at a restaraunt for dinner? Then the temptation for drug wouldn't be present. Just a thought.
post #16 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
Wonderful - a serious subject for a change!

OK my advice is don't go with a whole lot of expectations of your mom. Get your head around accepting her whatever way you find her and she won't be able to disappoint you. You have done remarkably well in your own life - keep that in focus. I think it's great that your BF is going with you and will be standing beside you through the meeting. Always remember sweetie that you are only responsible for your own actions and that you cannot change anybody unless they want to change themselves.

Hugs and many kudos to you for being so strong and doing so well. How is your little brother doing? Is he with you and your Grandma? Be there for him and be his role model.

I wish you only good things in your life.
Excellent advice and I agree completely!
post #17 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by kittyprincess View Post
my mom has always screwed everything up for me. but i want to show her that i am doing great and have grown up to be a very good young lady.
You've received great advice here. One thing I'd like to add is that you don't need to show your mom that you are good and doing well. You may not be able to please her right now, or ever. In fact, unless she is sober, she may become envious of you. It's best, if you see her, if it's for other reasons.

You don't need your mother to approve of you to be the good person you know you are. You are doing great. Hang in there.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
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