The Priest - don't read if offended by religious humour!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

ROFL

:laughing2 :LOL:

:tounge2: :tounge2: :tounge2:

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

LOL! that was too funny. ok, I have two religious jokes my dad told me once (they always sound better when he tells them, but I'm going to try anyhow). this seems like a good place to put them, sorry if anyone finds them offensive.

One day Eve was strolling through the Garden of Eden with God. As they walked, the Lord noticed Eve was very quiet. When he asked her about it, she told him, "Father, I am very grateful for all you have blessed me with. I have a beautiful paradise to reside in and wonderful fruit to eat, but I find that I grow lonely. Would you make me a companion? Someone to love and cherish, someone who will keep me company through all these lonely days?"
The Lord thought for a moment, then replied, "Eve, you have been very good, I will grant you this request. But there's just one thing...he's going to want to think he came first."

* * *

One evening Adam was walking with God in the Garden of Eden. As they walked, the Lord noticed Adam was very quiet. When he asked him about it, he told him, "Father, I am very grateful for all you have given me. I live in a paradise, but I find that I grow lonely. Would you make me a companion? Someone to cook and clean, and who will love me unconditionally and give me foot rubs and admire me, and who will always remember how I like my meals and serve me without question?"
The Lord thought a moment, then replied, "Well, Adam, I can do that...but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"oh...what can I get for a rib?"