How can you tell if a guy wants more...

I'm turning to you guys first because you're the best - all of you.....
I'm sitting here at home literally crying. Im so upset, but I'm not sure if I need to be. Story is I've been friends with this guy for almost 10 years. We worked together years ago, then we both transfered to another company. It happened to be the same company, but different departments. So for the past year or so we go out to lunch to catch up about once a month. We also get together occassionally on a friday or saturday night and go watch another friends band play. Well tonite he happened to be up in my area (45 minutes away from his house) so he asked if I wanted to get together. He said the wife gave him a "pass" for the night so he could go out. He's married with 3 kids and his wife is kinda strict - doesn't let him out much. So I said sure. If you're gonna be in this area, call me and we'll get together for a while. Well he finished up with his friends, gave me a call and we went out for a few hours. Same as always - small talk - hows the job, hows the family, what's new. Thats how things always are with us. We're friends/aquaintences and thats it. Well all that seemed to change when he dropped me off at my house. He came in to help me build a fire (I can't start a fire in my fireplace to save my life and have another post on TCS about that too). So he told me how to do it, but then things got strange. He wouldn't leave. Kept saying he had to go, but wasn't moving. I stayed on the other side of the kitchen table from him paranoid. I finally got him outside, but then he still wouldn't leave. He just kept walking around and I wandered outside in the dark - playing with my chairs, garage door, trampoline, anything to keep me busy and he just kept saying "well, I probably should be going" but then didn't go anywhere!!! I finally headed towards my door and said "well, have a good night" and went in. I left him standing in the driveway. I feel awful, but I just go horrible horrible vibes from him tonite and I that's not what I want from him! He's my friend and he's married! Am I just paranoid? How can I read him correctly? God! I'm freakin out here! It was just so different than any other night we were out. Now that I think of it - he kept touching me all night too! God this sucks! I just want his friendship. What do I do?
I just really really got different vibes from him tonite. Is that possible? Can you read a guy acurately like that? I was actually very close to calling him after he left to tell him he made me uncomfortable tonite and confront him about things, but was afraid I was reading something in that wasn't true. So I didn't call. I'm so confused and upset!!

Sweety, he is married. Period. You can only be friends.

I don't think you did anything wrong at all! You did everything right. He's the jerk for MANY reasons....
1. Why would he want to go out with another woman if he's married (no offence)
2. Why is he touching you? He should respect you as a friend and leave when you hinted.
I would sit him down and tell him that you didn't like the way he acted and if he thinks he's getting more out of the friendship then he's wrong.... It gives me suspicion as to why his wife IS so strict.

He said the wife gave him a "pass" for the night so he could go out. He's married with 3 kids and his wife is kinda strict - doesn't let him out much.

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Oh you weren't reading anything that he wasn't putting out there front and centre!

He's married with kids, and he's a letch! He's not looking for friendship, he's looking for an affair.

My advice is to put distance between you and him and cut off monthly lunches too. Stay clear of that one unless you want to end up as the other women responsible for breaking up his marriage.

Given the information, I have two different theories...

#1 He is a cad and wants more.

#2 He is going through a difficult time in his life and wanted to get closer to you as a friend and wants to spill it but isn't sure how to act around a lady except the way he was acting.

Always trust your instincts!

Originally Posted by valanhb

Given the information, I have two different theories...

#1 He is a cad and wants more.

#2 He is going through a difficult time in his life and wanted to get closer to you as a friend and wants to spill it but isn't sure how to act around a lady except the way he was acting.

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I agree with this. He could be a jerk but he could also be having some problem that he wants to talk about but isnt sure how. But I would trust your own feelings. If it didnt feel right to you I would say dont mess with him at all any more.

Thanks guys for all the input. I guess I was just stupid in thinking that a married guy could really truely just want to be friends. He's got guy friends right? So why not female friends. My stupidity. Anyways - after 10 years....learned my lesson. It does hurt though.
Going to bed now to snuggle with my babies.......they'll love me no matter what right?

Originally Posted by lisasha3

Thanks guys for all the input. I guess I was just stupid in thinking that a married guy could really truely just want to be friends. He's got guy friends right? So why not female friends. My stupidity. Anyways - after 10 years....learned my lesson. It does hurt though.
Going to bed now to snuggle with my babies.......they'll love me no matter what right?

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You know they will. And they will be right there in the bed taking all of the room to prove it!

You definately did the right thing by trusting your instincts. Hopefully by you leaving him out in the driveway he'll realize what he just did! You two are friends - he should have realized that before he started acting so weird, putting you in a position that you didn't ask to be in!

to you sweetie

Are you sure that the guy wasn't on anything?

Could be the free "pass" for the night was she and him got into a big fight, he went out with his buddies, looking for support, maybe took something and then just spaced out by the time he got to your place, or while you two were out.

It seems more to me that he was just stalling about going home rather then he wanted to hop you right into bed.

However you did do the right thing in anycase. If problems exist for him somewhere then he needs to be a big boy and deal with it.

Originally Posted by valanhb

#2 He is going through a difficult time in his life and wanted to get closer to you as a friend and wants to spill it but isn't sure how to act around a lady except the way he was acting.

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I don't think that was it at all. She said he kept "touching" her all night too.

I've been hit on by enough men, including married ones, to know a louse when I see or hear about one, and this guy was definitely not looking for conversation. He was waiting on a sign from her to give him an excuse or an invite.

Back in the late 80's I knew this guy who was dating a friend of mine when I met him. My friend and him subsequently broke up but I remained friends with both of them. He eventually met someone and got married. One day he was having a slow day with his towing business and he called me and asked if I felt like going for a cup of coffee. I couldn't because I had something in the oven and I was doing laundry too, so I suggested he stop by. He had been to my place a number of times.

However this particular day turned out to be vastly different. He arrived and I offered him a coffee or soft drink. He followed me into the kitchen and when I turned around there he was! I doubt you could get a piece of paper between us. He leaned down to kiss me and I ducked under his arm, LOL

He tried again and I told him very clearly that I'm not into being "the other woman."

Sounds to me by the way she described his actions I think it's obvious that he was looking for something physical to happen.

I have to agree with Heidi and John here -- at best he's having a hard time, at worst he's a letch, cad, insert adjective. Either way, it's HIS problem, not yours.

But hon, you shouldn't get yourself so upset! You didn't do anything wrong. You read the situation for what it was, uncomfortable, and now you can be sure not to put yourself in the situation again, at night, at lunch, at all.

Originally Posted by lisasha3

Thanks guys for all the input. I guess I was just stupid in thinking that a married guy could really truely just want to be friends.

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That is a whole thread alone,

but yes of course we can be friends, I have a 2 really good female friends 1 of them used to be a hmm lover back in my college days. We no longer bring that up or talk about it. but we do dinners and talk and email each other several times a month

lets see, it sounds like you have been friends with this guy for a very long time.
and from your post this is the first time he has ever done something like this.
then i would bet, he is having some issue at home, be they fighting with the wife all the way down to just being bored. It is also maybe he has started to get feelings past friendship for you(if this so kick him) He could also be doing the what if question, this sometimes happen after a few years and a couple of kids.

If you been friends for that long and he is having a hard time right now, or dealing with the what if question, then it will pass.

If you do like being friends with him i would at least explain to him that you dont wont him that way.

I think that not all men who stray in their marriages are letches and cads. I am not defending him, although maybe, well, in a way I am. My husband had an affair, and I didn't blame him a bit. We were miserable, unhappy with each other and unhappy with our lives as a result. We should not have been together and we were making each other terribly depressed.

I was of course, angry, shocked, hurt and humiliated when I found out about his affair. But I didn't blame him. Yes, he could have been more honest, yes he could have restrained himself, but the lines of communication between us had been closed for so long, that if the situations were reversed I probably would not have told him either. Not because either of us were bad people, but because sometimes things are just hard.

After an initial period of anger and hurt, we became friends. He is married now to the woman he had the affair with, and I am engaged and very happy, too. They fell in love, what can you do? My life is much better now as a result.

This friend of yours may well be a creep, and a cad, but you've known him ten years - what do you think? I do believe he had something to share - that perhaps he thinks he is in love with you? Not just looking for a bit on the side, at all. That is the genuine impression I got from reading your story.

As his friend, you owe it to him to voice your feelings, address the issue, and move on if you can, hopefully still as friends. JMO.

I hope you talk to him about it. Ask why he wouldn't leave the other night, tell him it made you uncomfortable, and say you'd like to know was going on. After ten years of friendship, I think you should at least let him explain.

He might have a reasonable answer, and apologize for making you uncomfortable, and never do anything like that again. If his explanation is lousy, then you can always end the friendship.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

p.s. I had a (unmarried) male friend of many years, who I knew before my first marriage, during, and after the marriage ended. Immediately after my divorce, he tried to kiss me! I freaked and said, "What the h*ll was THAT?" and he apologized. He promised he'd never do anything like that again, and said, "I had to give it a try!" and we laughed and he kept his word, and we were friends for many more years.

Thanks so much guys for all your input. You guys are the best!
I took a little "hyatis" (sp?) from the computer yesterday and most of today. Just figured I needed some downtime in general from everything.
I've thought about it and I am a little hesistant that maybe I didn't read the signs right, but my gut tells me I did and that's usually right. I'm not sure I will talk to him about it just yet. I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt this time and I think I'm going to continue to maybe hit a lunch with him once a month like we have been doing just to catch up, but no more nights out alone and if it happens again - I will definitely talk to him!! In the past when we went to see our friends band play there were most of the time other people there. This was pretty much the first time we've been anywhere without other friends. Also, he told me he hangs out with these friends that live close to me a lot on fridays now, which I didn't think about it, but I find that odd. He never could go anywhere, now he hangs out with 2 bachelors every friday? Hmmm. - maybe I just wasn't putting the pieces together. Maybe there is something going on at home.
Anyways - the main reason I think I was so upset Friday was not just because it was him, but because this will make the 5th guy in 4 years that I thought I could be just friends with only to find out they were after more. 2 of the others were married as well and it made me sick. One of the other ones who wasn't married I had known like 6 years and suddenly out of the blue he started sending me the most disgusting X rated text messages and IM"s. They were horrible and scared me! Just makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong. I'm an engineer, so I deal primarily with men which is why I end up with so many men for friends and so few women. I just want to hang out with these guys like "buddies" though, like I'm one of the guys, but I guess I can't do that. I don't think I"m giving them any signs cause I don't have any of them at my house, I don't like going anywhere alone with any of them unless it's a luncheon or something, I only go in groups (ask any of them - the first question out of my mouth when plans come up is - who's going to be there), I don't drive with anyone - I take my own car, I don't touch anyone ever! In fact all my friends will tell you that's an issue with me - I hate to be touched so it's not like I"ve got my hands all over these guys.
I don't know......anyways - enough venting for now.
Thanks guys!!

Don't worry, I'm like you...IT, so I tend to have a lot of guy friends too.

I don't think its necessarily anything your doing wrong, I think you just need to make the picture quite clear from the start of the friendship. I.e. when a male friend impulsively emails you something X rated, right back and say if this is the way you treat your friends, then I don't want to be a part of it. You can still casually flirt and be great friends, many of my closer friends have actually been guys, but we've never gone *there*. If they try, I cut them off right there.

My three best friends are guys - one of them I have known for thirty years, one for fifteen and one for ten. I think it is possible to be friends, but there are always times when things go wrong. One of my friends hit on me once, years ago, and I said no, that it could ruin our friendship and I valued that too highly to risk it. He was having problems in other directions, and basically was looking for comfort without thinking things through. It sounds to me as if this could be the situation with your friend. I would think there would be nothing wrong in saying to him, next time you meet, that you got the feeling maybe he wanted to talk about something but didn't know how to start, and that as a friend you are there for him to share problems with, and see what happens. Then you can react accordingly if he opens up.