Oh No...

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melanie&nathan

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You guys are right. This must go deeper than it seems. He does like animals- although he grew up in a house where they weren't allowed upstairs and the dogs were locked up at night. I let the pets have the run of the house. He keeps saying that 'Nathan's body isn't even cold in the ground and your already looking to get another cat.' I told him that that is for my heart to rekcon with, not his. I know he loved Nathan and he loves the pets we have- but he has a problem with commitment- he will never make the choice to commit to a pet for life on his own. Or me I guess. Part of me feels like I should just call his bluff- like he did with me by not proposing. He really isn't a bad guy- we just have very different ways of viewing things.

I dreamt last night that the kittens came here and that Skye loved them...and so did the dog Hannah.
 

pushylady

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but he has a problem with commitment- he will never make the choice to commit to a pet for life on his own. Or me I guess.
I think you deserve that commitment, especially after a decade together. IMO, it's a very basic foundation of a relationship.
 
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melanie&nathan

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I'm going to get the kittens... If he leaves me over it- well then he isn't worth trying to keep.
Part of this may stem from the fact that I have been working in television for the last 5 years and you know what- I hate it! Too many crazies. So I went to a job interview two weeks ago for the 'perfect' TV job that I was sure I wanted, and as I sat inthe chair answering the questions I started listening to my answers and realized that it wasn't the life I wanted. In TV you work loooooong hours and have no quality of life. I made the decision to go back to school and go for a PHD in Psychology. I know it will be a lot of work, but in the end it will be worth it. I want to move and go to school were it is cheaper and the cost of living is cheaper (I live in NYC now). I am going to be 30 on my next bday and I feel like I need to take charge of my life. I have been hoping and clinging to the hope that he would propose and now that he didn't I feel like I don't need to consult with him on my decisions. I think I gave him plenty of time to make up his mind. I am tired of waiting for him to decide when my life will start. But at the same time he has been my best and nearly only friend (I'm kind of a loner) for 10 years. I can't imagine life without him- but I'm tired of being at the mercy of waiting for him to decide.

And this is a kitty website...
 

bella713

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Melanie, like I have said before you must follow your heart
I believe everything happens for a reason, maybe Nathan had something going with God and they want you out of the situation you are in.
 

lokismum

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I just read this. I'm so sorry about your loss of Nathan, Melanie! Just know that he is in heaven looking over you and wants what is best for you and Skye! What a horrible situation for your bf to put you in! Do what is in your heart that you know is best for you!
 

sarahp

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I just want to start by saying that if you come to a cat site and say my boyfriend says it's me or a cat - we're always going to say "choose the cat"


But your post about going back to school really struck a chord with me. I've just realised the same thing, that my life wasn't really going anywhere, and I needed to take control of things. I'm married, and thankfully my husband fully supported that decision and has supported me the whole way - I'm back at school part time while working full time, which has been hard. But he's doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, and I just pitch in when I can.

If you don't have someone who can at least offer to support you like that and understand why you need to kill yourself to get a piece of paper, then they're not worth it.

It sounds like you do need a change, and going back to school will help you get some direction again. If you tel him you're moving for school, he may even get off his butt and propose


Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with him?
 

swampwitch

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I think it is unfair of your boyfriend to give you the "my way or the highway" ultimatum when you are hurting after your loss of Nathan.

What kind of caring partner would do that?! I agree with others that there is an underlying problem here. I also agree that you should follow your heart and not do what someone else says because of a threat!

I'm very sorry about your loss.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
 
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melanie&nathan

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So I just tried to approach the subject again. He once again said I doesn't like it- but go ahead- you always do what you want anyway. I said I would be willing to wait if he would give me a timeline. He said Xmas is right around the corner- why can't I wait? They he say that maybe he was planning on making a thing of it and going to get one together for Xmas. Ok- I see his point. I will concied on this- but if he is just dangling a kitty in my face then that will be the last straw. I am not happy about this at all, but I will give a little- but if December rolls around and there isn't a new addition...

Is this the right thing to do? I really don't want to give up the kitties, but if it will may the transition easier, then I am willing to compromise...
 

abbycats

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Why can't you go with your heart and get the kittens you fell in love with? It sounds like he is still trying to control the situation. I had a husband like that years ago and the one left in my life was my wonderful kitten at the time named Mort! She just went to the bridge this past summer... She was 18....

I remember him telling me no to bringing her in, she was an abandoned kitten from a very bad domestic situation... I am glad I went against his wishes, they were only selfish on his part..

If there was a legitamate reason on why he is saying no, then that would be a different situation where you would need to work it out.
 

white cat lover

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IMO, dump the dude, adopt the kittens. He sounds like a control freak to me. He should NEVER make you choose between your heartbreaking/wanting a kitten & him. It's not right.
 
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melanie&nathan

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Ok so here is an update...

The kittens will be here tomorrow at 9:30am!!!!!!!

I told him that I would compromise and not get them but he HAD to PROMISE that we would get one in December. P.R.O.M.I.S.E!!! He didn't say anything- then he said do what you want- I don't care. I again said I would make the compromise and he said he was done fighting just get them if that's what you want. I said I don't want him to be mad he said he is resigned to the fact that I am going to do whatever I want. I gave him one more time to back out and he didn't.... so I was off to Target to get kitten supplies. So we'll see what happens!!! fingers crossed that Skye, Hannah, and he will like them...
 
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melanie&nathan

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Thanks Bella! And you bet! I'll get pictures of everyone and a picture of Nathan- even if he isn't physically here- he is still part of this clan!
 

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I'm happy you're going to get the kittens. You know maybe it's good you find out before you make any lasting commitments, exactly what your BF is like. Actually, I think he's shown you, by his being not willing to commit when you gave him until October, after a 10 year relationship. I would say, he doesn't want to commit, if he hasn't by now, and I think he's pretty selfish to only think of himself. Someone here said she would abide by her husbands wishes, if that's what he wanted. I guess that is why I'm no longer married, nor will I ever be married again, because a lot of men act that way, and they always want the LAST word, even if it makes you miserable. I sure would NOT abide by what he says, because what he says is not thinking of you, or your feelings. He hasn't even really given you a good reason why he doesn't want any new kitties right now, just that he thinks it's too soon. Why should he be the boss of everythig? Personally, it doesn't sound like he was raised in a home that cherished their pets, like family.
 

catsallover

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My DH wasn't ready when I was to get another dog last year, after we had to have our Corgi of 14 yrs pts. I was REALLY wanting another one (it had just been me and him and a cat or 2 or 3...) since I have been a "homemaker" for our entire marriage, except for some spurts of part time work when we first got married (have to pay for art supplies somehow
), and I missed him terribly- I love my cats, but my dog was ALWAYS happy to see me or go with me
). But I knew that he was still heartbroken, and that it would take him longer to get over it, because he didn't see Clint as much as I did, and I had all day, everyday to deal with losing him. However, I knew that the reason was just what he said- he wasn't ready, so I waited a year, prayed about getting a new dog, and when I came across the dog that was to be ours, he was ready and really felt that this was the dog for us, too.


I guess that I'm saying that if you don't have that kind of intimate knowledge of each other after 10 years- like,is he really heartbroken over the loss of Nathan, or does he just want to control your decisions? If you can't freely share your heart, and him with you (as much as guys do
) about something like this- and he threatens to leave you over a cat
, whether he means it or not- My DH would be upset that I didn't discuss it with him , and that I didn't would hurt his feelings more than making him being angry over more cats before he was ready.
Please don't think that I'm putting our relationship up as some great and perfect thing-but the DH and I have known each other for 20 yrs, and boy, does it take some work, and even then we fuss and argue, disagree and pout just like anyone else
. I have to say, my DH does know me better than I know him, probably because I talk more
, but he does tell me that he wants me to talk to him more, bc he wants to know what is going on with me and what I'm thinking about- I want the same thing, and most times I get it, but only when he is ready- after all, he is a guy


But if you aren't telling your BF about major decisions you have made in the past, or are thinking of making now, and he doesn't have a clue that you are at this point, even though you live in the same place, maybe you should be looking to be ready get on with your life. It sounds like he is just biding time with you, while you are ready to live your life. It is so hard to make a decision like this, especially after 10 yrs., but if he really wants to be with you, he will wake up and move on with you, especially in something like career changes and marriage (be sure you get premarital counselling, even after 10yrs
-it may give you answers about your relationship that you haven't even asked yourself, and answering yes to a marriage proposal from this man may not be the right decision for you after all- our pastor gave us free premarital counselling, and most of it was just plain, good advice about things like how to fight fairly, how to understand the differences in how men and women communicate, how to discuss major areas of your life for the future... etc.)

Sorry this is so long; I wish you the best in your decision,and will be praying for you to make the right one
.
 

blueyedgirl5946

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I think you know in your heart that you have some serious problems in your relationship with this man. I don't know how you have stayed together for ten years. The cat issue is not the worse problem you have. I wish you success and hope things will work out with the new cats. I do think you need to make some other decisions regarding your relationship and why you have spent ten years with a man who trys to control your life and decisions.
 
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