THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on
your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is
very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both
parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in
the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk
to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless
wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you
are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it
doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more
ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason.
You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs
because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER
you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have
lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to
concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will
remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first
thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even
UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you
bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking
so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.
Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave
whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble
out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the
week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no
idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow
the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at
some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you
might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and
that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you
were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start
to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone
can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great
distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making
fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit
them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on
your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is
very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both
parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in
the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk
to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless
wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you
are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it
doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more
ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason.
You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs
because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER
you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have
lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to
concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will
remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first
thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even
UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you
bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking
so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.
Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave
whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble
out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the
week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no
idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow
the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at
some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you
might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and
that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you
were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start
to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone
can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great
distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making
fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit
them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
