I'm going to scream if....

I am sorry, I think it is inappropriate for folks to be saying this, though if you asked for advice, at least that was an opening for their opinion (as wrong as it may be!)

I think maturity isn't connected to biological age. Some folks aren't ever ready (imho) to marry.

I am a horrible exception I think to when most folks get married. I was engaged once at age 27, then disengaged right around the time I finished my second college degree and got my RN.

I quit dating (way to deal with things) for 9 years...so I was ahem...40 when I married my sweetie. Of course, again, different than some, I couldn't have married him if we met when I was younger, since I am over 13 years older

Originally Posted by lionessrampant

...Marriage is all about, at least from my understanding, learning to how accomodate another person's constant changes and reinventions 100% of the time (unless there's abuse there, of course).

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I think people actually mean "maturity" rather than age. A mature person isn't going to have constant changes and reinventions, since s/he's pretty much figured out where s/he wants to go in life and what the important issues are... a mature person is fairly comfortable with who he or she is so there won't be a lot of major changes in "self."

It's a bumpy road to go down if one or both people in a marriage is still seeking "self" or trying to define priorities. When you are very young, you are going to grow and change quite a bit, and not necessarily together. I think that's what people are trying to warn you about.

You are going to follow your heart, so ignore the doomsayers.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

I got married at 23. I know it's hard but just try to ignore the rude comments!

I was 24 when I got married (now at the grand old age of 25 ) and I've been completely shocked when before we got married people asked if I was too young to be married, and a few people have made comments since about me being too young to be married!!!

I've been incredibly offended every time - mainly because these people do not know me and have no right to judge me. There's nobody who knows me who's said it to me, that's for sure.

I graduated from high school when I was 16 (almost 17), so had been out of school for 7 years, spent over a year travelling on my own, done plenty of things with my life and had known DH for 3 1/2 years, and lived with him for 3 of those years.

There's no way I was too immature to be married - I know what I want out of life, and age shouldn't matter. If you're 20, and you've only known the guy for 2 months, then I'm probably wonder how long it will last, but there's NO WAY I would say "oh you're too young".

I was 19 when I got married for the first time.It wasn't age that made my marriage fail, it was lack of trust,love and understanding.
I can honestly say though, now that I am older and know what I want in a marriage, it is soooooooooooooo much better and easier.But, if you know that from the start, you'll do fine.
I got married honestly to get out of a rough situtation and went into an even worse one of beating and etc.(first marriage!)
If you love each other and trust each other 100% and I do mean 100%, then I don't see anything wrong with getting married early.

You are well educated , well spoken and quite mature in my humble opinion... You have been with Ian for awhile and if you feel ready for marriage GO FOR IT....

Me I doubt I will ever be married ...lol...

Don't worry about other people!! I know its so much easier for me to say that, and if (probably when) I start hearing this from people, I'll probably be back here at TCS just like you are. I just got engaged (I'm 21), and probably will be 22 when we get married. But I have been with Patrick since I was 15 and have known for a very long time I wanted to be with him forever.

You know yourself and your capabilities better than anyone, so do not let anyone spoil this joyous time for you!!

And if you want anyone to vent to, feel free to PM me or we can swap email addresses!

I was 20 when DH and I got married. That was 3 months shy of my 21st birthday and his 23. The only person who thought out loud to someone that I was too young was my Dad. And he didn't even say that to my face. Plus my Dad and I don't really know each other that well. It depends on the individual. You don't seem to be entering marriage with super unrealistic expectations (I say it that way because we can never know exactly what life will throw at us, know what I mean?) and you seem to have a focus for yourself, etc. People will always have their opinions I suppose.

Just wait till they get on the 'when are you going to have a baby' go round!

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

I think people actually mean "maturity" rather than age. A mature person isn't going to have constant changes and reinventions, since s/he's pretty much figured out where s/he wants to go in life and what the important issues are... a mature person is fairly comfortable with who he or she is so there won't be a lot of major changes in "self."

Click to expand...

I know exactly what you mean.

With Ian and I...we definitely have a blueprint of what we want our living standard to be, where we want to start out in our careers, where we'd eventually like to go...

...but, life is constantly changing. I can say right now that I'm 100% certain that I want to work in the music industry and I can say with 100% certainty that I'd like to start out studio teaching as a profession and I've been taking steps all year to get there, as Ian has been taking steps to pass his Level 3 Arabic test so that he can do translation work to start. Does it make me less mature if I get out there in the field and find in a few years that I'd rather be, I dunno, teaching preschool? Or what if Ian realizes that he doesn't want to go into linguistics and would rather go into international law? We know what we expect from each other, though, and we both feel that it's important in the marriage to be extremely supportive and adaptable while sort of keeping the other person "in bounds". I think we can be direct and secure, but that doesn't mean life has any guarantees unfortunately.

Even my dad, who is very even keel and extraordinarily smart and successful is always working on being the best RObert D. he cna possibly be. In fact when someone asks "are you Dr. Robert D" he says "I will be!" since he feels that we work our entire lives to perfect the canvas of who we are. I think by our late teens and 20's we have the concept down, but that doesn't mean we're done. Does that make any sense?

Figuring out this thing is exactly why we started counseling early. Not only are cleaning the skeletons we already have out of closet (there actually are surprisigly few, which is comforting and prom,ising), but we're coming up with a plan of how to deal with some of these decisions that we'll be faced with.

I think it's great you're getting counselling. Better to find out things you may not have even thought about (ie. when to have kids, how many, how you want to live your lives etc) that can make a huge difference to a relationship, and discuss now things about each other that frustrate you, and the best way to deal with them.

I think you're going into it a lot smarter than other people!

I am not married, but I don't think (at 25) that I would be too young, its just not the right time for us right now.

My mum and dad were 18 when they got married and were happy together until the day he passed away... and to be honest, the whole 'you are too young' thing doesn't work out if you are living together anyway. You can claim rights as a wife after 2-3 years depending on where you live if you are common law (yes its harder, but possible), so if you have already settled down together, and have enough sense and a strong enough bond to work through problems, you are obviously old enough to get married

"Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates...
ya never know what cha gonna get"

hahaha
its so true!

Anyways. My mom married at 19 (she was pregnant with me and thought my dad and her were gonna be this glorious family) she divorced two years later. Her marriage got off on the wrong foot. She dated here and there while I was growing up but never found anyone she wanted to make that commitment to until last year. 18 and a half years later!!!!!
It was worth it for her...sometimes true love isnt always easy to find.

Moral of the story.
Dont get married to hopes and dreams..marry someone who is making your dreams a reality. if that means waiting a few years to see them happen then it means waiting. If this man is completing you and your buliding a strong future already...the love is everlasting....DO IT! start making those wedding plans..sometimes weddings can take two years to plan and pay for. Nothing wrong with that.

I was 28, but we had been living together for 5 years prior. A good friend of mine got married when she was 16 and he was 19. Almost 15 years and 3 kids later (the first kid didn't come for 7 years after the wedding, though everyone was sure she was pregnant), they are still happy together. Then you also meet those who got married at 35 and divorced at 36. It's about individuals and how they work together as a team, not about age.

Allie, just reading what you've written in this thread tells me that you and Ian are better prepared for marriage than 80-90% of the couples who get married. You know that you are both going to evolve and change, and when you love someone you love the person that they are now, were before, and will become. You know that life throws a heck of a lot of curveballs, and you have to be able to adapt to those changes, too. The only constant in life is change.

I was 27 he was 36, we had been together for 8 years before we got married! We could have went longer and I know what you mean about getting sick of people pushing their opinion on you! I heard so many times, "when are you guys getting married???" and after we got married it's now, "when are the kids coming?" Just Irks me!!

Do it when you and him are ready and do it for the right reasons! You guys will know!

They're just jealous that you found someone to be with already.

As long as you didn't have it mapped out "I will be married by age X" then, to me you're getting married for the right reasons and the age doesn't matter.

I do think its rude though. weddings are suppose to be happy, not some terd raining on your happiness.

Sorry if this is brief but my kitten is being a right royal PITA at the moment and won't let me type!

Your chronological age does not matter. I do think that maturity, or 'wisdom' matters to an extent. Just because I think you have to know and be comfortable with yourself above all, before committing to another, and that comes at different ages for everyone.

I got married recently at age 35, and I would not have been ready for it before then, although I am happier now than I ever have been.

My parents on the other hand, married when they were 20, and have now been together for 38 years - they have been through some hard times together, but stuck with it and are still very much in love.

It's an individual thing - only you know yourself to the extent that you can say whether it's right or not.

People suck sometimes and they should mind their own damn business. Who really cares when you get married, it is not affecting anyone else but you. Tell them to fly a kite

I'm definitely the odd-ball in my family because i'm not married yet. Everyone thinks there's something wrong with me because i'm 21 and not married yet. The thing is, I really do wish to get married and settle down- i'm just not going to push Colin in to it- I want it to happen when both of us are ready- i am, i'm just waiting on him / Just about everyone in my family gets married between 17-19yrs...and many of them have been happily married 10+ years- I think marriage can work at a young age- I think the key to any good relationship is good communicaiton.

35 and i was way to young to get married

I don't think anyone is too young to get married. If you are serious about making a life long commitment to someone else and are truly happy together then I say go for it!