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What to do with Amber?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
I dont know what to do with her. She's so upset right now shes swearing she will never get attached to another cat ever. She's also saying she will never foster again. Because shes not good at it. She thinks she failed Gheery some how. I dont know how to deal with her. I dont know what to say to make her feel better. Any ideas?
post #2 of 24
Nothing you can say right now will probably help, she just has to cry it out. Can she get in the bed with you so you can just hold her? That might be the best thing you can do right now...

Lord knows she did everything she could. We've watched her over the past months here. She is in it heart and soul, bless her. That makes if so much harder sometimes, but she is an angel.
post #3 of 24
Grief is a horrible thing to go through, and can be painful also for those who care about someone who is grieving - you must feel so helpless, as nothing you can do will ease her pain. It is something she has to go through.

It sounds like a bit of a cliché, but there is not much you can do besides 'be there for her'. Respect it if she needs time to herself, and provide cuddles if that's what she wants. And make sure she eats regularly.

The pain of loss doesn't ever disappear - but it does become more bearable as time goes on. Although she doesn't feel it at the moment, she will become attached to other cats again, because she has a big heart and will not be able to stop loving and caring, but it will take time to come to terms with this loss.

Hugs to the both of you.
post #4 of 24
There's nothing you can do but let her grieve and just make sure she remembers to eat if not for anything else but because the baby she is carrying. And just try and give her some space and be ready when she wants to cry it out. Some people can't stand for other to see them cry so she might not be able to get to that part right off. Just give her time.
post #5 of 24
First thing's first- get her to calm down....her stressing herself out is not good for her and lava girl- if her BP goes up, she could send herself into labor or have another complication- so try and get her to calm down a bit ok? Tell her to hang in there. I foster all of the time (I have 5 boys at the moment). I recently lost 3 kittens in less than a months time. It was aweful- I blammed myself, and I pretty much felt like the worst foster mom ever. What helped me more than anything was posting about it on TCS- see if you can calm her down enough to read the responses over Bagheera everyone has sent her- it migh help her talk and cope a little bit. That really helped me a lot. When it comes down to it though- and I realized it the day Keiko died- anytime you foster, you take on the risk that the animal might not make it. Usually people who foster take on very young kittens or sick ones....they often do not have a genetic history or medical work up on the kitties family and are left guessing on many things. You have to do the best you can with what knowledge on the animal you have. All of the kitties that I lost that month were all VERY sickly- one had it's little skull cracked by some aweful boys who beat that one and 2 other kittens up (Kenzie, Keiko and the little one with the cracked skull who passed on.). When it comes down to it- there was nothing I could have done to save that little one- he was too far gone- I did everything I knew how though- he went to the vet the day a good samaritan found him and then they called me to foster all 3 of them. He wasn't even home a few hours before he passed. Later on that month, Keiko- his brother suffered a series of aweful seizures and other problems to the point that he couldn't walk, eat, control his bowels, or even move- it was aweful to watch- we wated 2 weeks trying everything for him (physical therapy, a new diet, more vet visits, iv's) ...after 2 weeks he was still the same and in soo much pain that we all made the decision to put him to rest. I knew when I held him in my arms while we gave him the shot that it was the right decision- it was the first time I hadn't seen him sick or in pain. It was hard though- but I found a ton of support from everyone here on TCS. And many of you may also remember that I lost little LEX about a week before Keiko. He also suffered a series of seizures and passed on of what I suspect to be fading kitten syndrome.- that absolutely broke my heart- I took him to the vet 5 times in one week, and did everything possible for him...the vet said that there was nothing more I could have done for him- I did it all. Sometimes, they just don't make it. I finally had to just step back a moment and realize that. It really helped me once I did. I'm telling you this because there's a good story to come out of all this loss. Little Kenzie- the sister to Keiko and the one who had it's little skill crushed, she was the runt of the litter and the one we thought would pass away first. Well, she pulled through- after a ton of medical attention and intensive fostering- i'm happy to say that she just found a wonderful forever home over the weekend. Sometimes as a foster mom, you will loose kittens and your heart will break...but sometimes, you save just one- and to that one- it means the world. And to the ones you loose- you can know that you did everything for them and gave them a wonderful home/life while you had them in your care. That's what keeps me going as a foster mom. It's not for everyone....but the ones who are able to do it- it is really special and worth it. I know right now Amber says she doesn't want to foster any more- but please let her know she needs to hang in there and give it some time. She has done soooo much to help the animals that she loves and cares about and has made an incredable difference in their lives. I would definitely encourage her to try again when she feels she's ready. And if she doesn't feel she can do it again...that's ok too.
post #6 of 24
My Dad was the same way. Amber just needs time to grieve. Hopefully one of the other cats will realize that and comfort her, too.
post #7 of 24
Aww! Just hold her and let her cry! I think she will feel better with time and foster again! Maybe order in her favorite take-out and just let her be sad!
post #8 of 24
Let her cry and it may last a long time - I am still crying after five weeks. But tell her that anyone with love and time to help all those who need it is sorely needed and that her talents must not go to waste. And yes, it will probably happen again, because we cannot save everyone. but that is the penalty of being sensitive to others and willing to go the extra bit.
post #9 of 24
You just have to be there for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on.But, try and calm her down because she could go into pre-term labor and that would be REALLY bad.
Tell her about all the wonderful things they got to do together, how because of her---he lived as long as he did.That even though he isn't there with her in body, he'll always be in her heart.
Try getting her to lay down next to you and you rub her back and calm her down.Rub her belly and talk to Lava Girl so she will calm down too.
post #10 of 24
I agree with everyone else. If you can, just hold her. How are you coping? Are you doing alright? I'm very sorry to hear about the sweet little guy. I paid my respects in Crossing the Bridge. Just remember you're all in my thoughts and prayers.
post #11 of 24
While he didn't get to stay here long, Bagheera was more loved than some other cats who live to be 15+ years old. He was one of the luckiest cats in the world to have Amber as his meowmy & she needs to remember that.
post #12 of 24
http://www.memorialhospital.org/libr...ess-THE-3.html

Grieving over the loss of a pet is the same as grieving over the loss of a loved one.

There are definite stages to grieving and we all have to go through them all before we can move on.

From what I gather she's pregnant which makes her hormones wacky so she is probably having a more intense reaction than she might have otherwise.

Try and keep her calm so she doesn't stress herself or the baby out. Other than that there isn't much you can do other than to be supportive to her and aware of the grieving process as listed in the link above.

*hugs* to both of you
post #13 of 24
Right now, all you can do is just hold her, love her and let her yell, scream, throw things, curse the Gods, say stuff she doesn't mean and in general, be angry at the world at large. It is a very normal part of grief to swear off of caring about anyone ever again and while we may "mean" it when we say it, the fact is that our hearts won't allow us to hold true to it later on in the future.

There is absolutely nothing you can say to her right now although I do commend you for wanting to, but don't even try. Just "I know" and "Yes, honey" and "Uh huh" a lot as you hold her close and let her cry.
post #14 of 24
Everyone is right. Just let her cry and be sad..there needs to be a time period that she grieves. Just be there for her and listen to her. Poor Amber.
post #15 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by gayef View Post
Right now, all you can do is just hold her, love her and let her yell, scream, throw things, curse the Gods, say stuff she doesn't mean and in general, be angry at the world at large. It is a very normal part of grief to swear off of caring about anyone ever again and while we may "mean" it when we say it, the fact is that our hearts won't allow us to hold true to it later on in the future.

There is absolutely nothing you can say to her right now although I do commend you for wanting to, but don't even try. Just "I know" and "Yes, honey" and "Uh huh" a lot as you hold her close and let her cry.
Everyone is right, and I think Gaye said it best.
post #16 of 24
It's a terrible thing to lose a pet! Right now she just needs to grieve and cry it out! Time will heal eventually! It just takes some time and it's a process that you have to go through! Just be there for her and support her - that's what she needs!
post #17 of 24
Aww tell amber it is not her fault in anyway it was just bagheera's time to go He was need at rainbow bridge as much as he wanted to stay with his meomwy he had to let her go. I know Amber Loved Bagheera with all her heart and I know where ever Bagheera goes he will take a part of Amber with him too. She took Bagheera in to her home and into her Heart and that is all Bagheera need was to be loved by Amber and he got that. Tell amber we are all thinking of her and hope that time will heal her pain and that she will learn to love anothe kitty that needs her help too. You can tell that Bagheera really loved Amber too but he was ready to go like you all said he had alot of Medical issues along the way and tried to fight threw and still was happy threw it all because amber gave him the love he needed. But just know Bagheera is no longer in any pain now and that it was just his time there was nothing you could of done to change that. I think all of us here have gone threw your loss and i know it is hard to go threw. Just know you have people here that care and understand. HUGS YOUR WAY
post #18 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by goosehazel View Post
I agree with everyone else. If you can, just hold her. How are you coping? Are you doing alright? I'm very sorry to hear about the sweet little guy. I paid my respects in Crossing the Bridge. Just remember you're all in my thoughts and prayers.
First off thanks everyone for your advice. I've never been around Amber when she was grieving. She's going back and forth between sobbing and being bitter and saying nasty things. She keeps yelling at Kitten and Jada because they are both searching for Bagheera in his favorite spots. Kitten also hasnt eaten since Friday. She's missing her baby. Them 2 were very close. She's just looking every where and doing her come here meow. Over and over very loudly. Its almost as bad as a cat in heat. She would do it any time she couldnt find Bagheera or Jada. I'm doing all right. I have to admit Ive cried like a baby several times. Especially while reading all your post. Amber wont read them right now. She says she doesnt want to cry any more. Shes done crying. She is sleeping right now.
post #19 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatlessGoatMan View Post
First off thanks everyone for your advice. I've never been around Amber when she was grieving. She's going back and forth between sobbing and being bitter and saying nasty things. She keeps yelling at Kitten and Jada because they are both searching for Bagheera in his favorite spots. Kitten also hasnt eaten since Friday. She's missing her baby. Them 2 were very close. She's just looking every where and doing her come here meow. Over and over very loudly. Its almost as bad as a cat in heat. She would do it any time she couldnt find Bagheera or Jada. I'm doing all right. I have to admit Ive cried like a baby several times. Especially while reading all your post. Amber wont read them right now. She says she doesnt want to cry any more. Shes done crying. She is sleeping right now.

Hang in there
post #20 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatlessGoatMan View Post
First off thanks everyone for your advice. I've never been around Amber when she was grieving. She's going back and forth between sobbing and being bitter and saying nasty things. She keeps yelling at Kitten and Jada because they are both searching for Bagheera in his favorite spots. Kitten also hasnt eaten since Friday. She's missing her baby. Them 2 were very close. She's just looking every where and doing her come here meow. Over and over very loudly. Its almost as bad as a cat in heat. She would do it any time she couldnt find Bagheera or Jada. I'm doing all right. I have to admit Ive cried like a baby several times. Especially while reading all your post. Amber wont read them right now. She says she doesnt want to cry any more. Shes done crying. She is sleeping right now.
She'll cry some more, and you'll cry some more. It's therapeutic, and all part of the process. Just be there for each other, hug lots, and when it's time, you'll each start thinking more about how wonderful the little guy was, and all the sweet, lovely things you want to remember, than about how big a hole he has left. Meanwhile, be gentle with yourselves -- individually and as a couple. Peace with you both -- it's lousy losing a sweet innocent loved one.
post #21 of 24
I lost my beautiful Bella a few months ago, I had her for almost 13 years, she was and is my baby and I cry everyday, several times a day, when my husband is here he just hugs me, that's all I need, and the real important thing is, he knows how much Bella meant to me. That's very crucial. I know you understand how much Bagheera meant to Amber, I'm sure it means a lot to her...Just be there for her no matter what. I don't believe, we get over these things, you just learn to live with them, and eventually we find a new normal. I'm sorry for what you are both going through
post #22 of 24
part of the proceess bro, that is all
post #23 of 24
My heart breaks for her
post #24 of 24
Thats good that you are there to comfort her and cry with her when she needs you the most. You are doing a great job just being there and helping her threw all this pat on the back for you. Just give Amber some time and let her feel all the feelings she needs to express at this time. Just hug her and let her know you are there when she needs you.
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