Rules for Cats to Live By
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To
get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make
sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping, " otherwise known as "hampering. " Following are the
rules for "hampering: "
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards, keep in mind to hamper! First, sit on the paper
being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the
table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table,
one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then
lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as
close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
when they have something in their arms,
in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between
their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that
you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans
will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to
a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your
butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To
get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make
sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping, " otherwise known as "hampering. " Following are the
rules for "hampering: "
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards, keep in mind to hamper! First, sit on the paper
being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the
table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table,
one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then
lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as
close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
when they have something in their arms,
in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between
their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that
you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans
will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to
a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your
butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!
