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I need advice…

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
about a guy. Here is the story...
I met a guy named Matt, we have been dating for a month and we have both fallen for each other. Here is where it gets messy; Matt’s ex girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has got in contact with him, she broke up with Matt in January 2006, they got back together in August to try it again but did not work. They do not see eye to eye on just about everything and fight. Matt had decided to have coffee with her and he said that he is not sure if he is still in love with Stacy (his ex) or just the good memories of her, so he wants to figure that out. I told Matt that we should not see each other if he is doing this, Matt agreed. But now Matt is still calling me and misses me and wants to see me. My emotions can’t handle this. I feel the very same way as he does, I have not seen him in 3 weeks but I have talked to Matt on the phone. I have not once contacted him. I can’t help but think why is he calling me to talk when he wants to be back with his ex???

Matt had told me that he has feelings for me and that we would be a perfect match together. I had said the same thing. I really like Matt, and can not stop thinking about him. (BTW he told me this the night we decide it wasn’t a good idea that we see each other anymore because of how he felt about his ex.)


So what should I do about this situation?? I want to be with Matt, and it seems to me that he would like to be with me as well but he also has feelings for his ex. Why can’t he just accept that it is not going to work out with his ex and get on with his life, he has met me now and he should be happy. If Matt and I had a relationship together he could then see that we just may be a better match then him and Stacey were.

I need some advice please!!!
post #2 of 13
Sounds like he's hedging his bets. He needs to cut ties completely with his ex - he can't keep dragging that out and epect to ever have a real relationship with anyone else.
Maybe he's feeling scared to commit to you after the mess of this last relationship?
post #3 of 13
I'm going to address your post in pieces.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
about a guy. Here is the story...
I met a guy named Matt, we have been dating for a month and we have both fallen for each other. Here is where it gets messy; Matt’s ex girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has got in contact with him, she broke up with Matt in January 2006, they got back together in August to try it again but did not work.
Matt is on the rebound from Stacey. He is not a candidate at this time for a long term relationship. This guy definitely needs time to be single.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
They do not see eye to eye on just about everything and fight.
It's often easier to look at things through rose coloured glasses and remember all of the good things. It's also wishful thinking that things will change which is why so many people who are in bad relationships break up and get back together a number of times before reality hits them in the face and they finally decide to make a clean break of it...if they ever do. Some people are so dependent on one another that they spend a lifetime in a miserable relationship because they are afraid to be alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
Matt had decided to have coffee with her and he said that he is not sure if he is still in love with Stacy (his ex) or just the good memories of her, so he wants to figure that out.
Better that he find that out now than before you invested more than 3 weeks into the guy

This guy is definitely on the rebound and is not over Stacey and you are currently competing for his heart because he obviously still has feelings for this girl, otherwise he wouldn't be second guessing himself. You also said that she broke up with him and not the other way around. So he probably never accepted that the relationship was over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
I told Matt that we should not see each other if he is doing this, Matt agreed. But now Matt is still calling me and misses me and wants to see me. My emotions can’t handle this. I feel the very same way as he does, I have not seen him in 3 weeks but I have talked to Matt on the phone. I have not once contacted him. I can’t help but think why is he calling me to talk when he wants to be back with his ex???
You know what sweetie? I've been in your situation a few times. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make a clean break from this guy. I mean totally clean. No phone calls, no emails, no visits... nothing.

Matt definitely is emotionally confused right now. Whether he gets back with Stacey or not is irrelevant. He needs to "find himself" and figure out what he wants out of life and love. He was in a long term serious relationship with a girl that he loved, and probably still does love. She was the one who ended it and now she wants him back....and he's considering it.

Cut the ties and let him go. Even if he doesn't get back with Stacey, let him go. He needs time to lick his wounds and get over the relationship and learn how to be on his own instead of jumping from one relationship to another.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
Matt had told me that he has feelings for me and that we would be a perfect match together. I had said the same thing. I really like Matt, and can not stop thinking about him. (BTW he told me this the night we decide it wasn’t a good idea that we see each other anymore because of how he felt about his ex.)
See all of my advice above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
So what should I do about this situation?? I want to be with Matt, and it seems to me that he would like to be with me as well but he also has feelings for his ex.
Sweetie, reread that statement and tell me if it makes sense to you? He wants to be with you, but he still has feelings for his ex? Which is it? It can't be both ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
Why can’t he just accept that it is not going to work out with his ex and get on with his life, he has met me now and he should be happy. If Matt and I had a relationship together he could then see that we just may be a better match then him and Stacey were.

I need some advice please!!!
You can't dictate to your heart who it falls in love with.

It's been my experience that most people who ask for advice have actually already made up their minds. You know what to do already, but you are second guessing yourself.

You asked for my advice, so here it is...again.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to make a clean break from this guy. I mean totally clean. No phone calls, no emails, no visits... nothing.

Cut the ties and let him go. Even if he doesn't get back with Stacey, let him go. He needs time to lick his wounds and get over the relationship and learn how to be on his own instead of jumping from one relationship to another.

You sound like a nice girl and you deserve way better than what you are getting from Matt, which is nothing short of emotional abuse. You deserve someone who only loves you and wants to be with you and has eyes only for you, and isn't sitting on the fence thinking about another lover.

Don't let a low self esteem get in the way of what you already know in your heart and head is the right thing to do.
post #4 of 13
sorry but, its time to cut him loose. Unless he was willing to see you and you only.
he is playing game here. keep you hanging how he sorts stuff out. Or keeping you both hanging.

just my thoughts
post #5 of 13
Sweetie, it will be easier on your emotions to tell Matt to take a hike and get a cute little boy cat and name him Matt. Believe me, a lot easier.
post #6 of 13
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for getting back to me on this, I have read each one of the posts and I agree with all of you on this.

Thank you Natalie for really opening up my eyes.

Matt and I talked this morning and I told him I don't want him to see me, call me, or e-mail me anymore. So to cut a long conversion short I told him I deserve much better in life and will continue my search. I feel so much better now that I have told him that. Thank you again everyone for giving me advice on this.
post #7 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittenKiya View Post
Sweetie, it will be easier on your emotions to tell Matt to take a hike and get a cute little boy cat and name him Matt. Believe me, a lot easier.


that's so funny!!
post #8 of 13
What they all said. You deserve better than to be with some wishy-washy guy who can't make up his mind. It doesn't matter how perfect he seems for you, if he's not ready, willing and (emotionally) able to commit to you, he's not the right guy for you.

Good for you for telling him you won't be second fiddle.
post #9 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
Matt and I talked this morning and I told him I don't want him to see me, call me, or e-mail me anymore. So to cut a long conversion short I told him I deserve much better in life and will continue my search. I feel so much better now that I have told him that. Thank you again everyone for giving me advice on this.
You will find the right guy! And he'll be your guy. You do deserve that.
post #10 of 13
You do deserve better sweety. Noone should be anyones second choice
post #11 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
Thank you Natalie for really opening up my eyes.
Your eyes were already open and you already knew what to do. Sometimes we just need affirmation that our choices are the right ones.
post #12 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
You do deserve better sweety. Noone should be anyones second choice
you deserve better than him keeping someone else on the sidelines just in case, and you did the right thing but breaking it off before it has the chance to become messy.
post #13 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyber Cat View Post
Matt and I talked this morning and I told him I don't want him to see me, call me, or e-mail me anymore. So to cut a long conversion short I told him I deserve much better in life and will continue my search. I feel so much better now that I have told him that. Thank you again everyone for giving me advice on this.
Good for you Melissa!, you deserve so much better
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