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Personal Dilema?

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
Alright, I am having mixed emotions right now.
Its been about 4 years since I talked to my father. ever since I was two we have had an off and on father/daughter relationship. He has poped up every now and then but there has been more absent time then time spent together...Im talking years guys.

I've had his new address for about 9 months now and was just holding on to it.looking at it every now and then and then puttin it away. Finally I figured Ive got nothing to lose. I wrote him a letter letting him now how to get in contact with me if he wishes. I didnt hold my breath cause well he's never showed an interest in seeing me.

I got a call today that he called my home while I was at work.
I am 22 now, an adult making my own way in the world...yet I feel like an insecure child with mixed emotions about rather or not I wanna talk to him and start picking up the pieces.

Whats wrong with me?
do i call him back..I mean i did make the effort why wouldnt i right?

Lord give me strengh
post #2 of 13
Well, if you need him call him, but don't rely on him, you should always rely on the people you know best!

But, thats not to say that you shouldn't call him. You should always keep in touch with him, because fathers are great things!

Good luck with this phone call!
post #3 of 13
Call him

Yes, it's been a long time. And yes, he wasn't a model parent. But he's your dad and you only ever get one of those in your life.

People change and mellow out over the years and you both deserve another chance at being father and daughter

You can't change the past, but you can change the future by the choices you make today
post #4 of 13
I would call him...You never know what could happen tomorrow, and you don't want to have any regrets
post #5 of 13
Thread Starter 
I dont wanna regret it, and you guys are right that you only get one dad.

My Mom remarried last year and although I have a stepdad...it just isnt the same.

I just dont wanna be let down again.
post #6 of 13
I've gone through the same crap with my dad. I finally decided that I would be a bigger person and try to forgive him....so I let him take me to dinner one night -with another friend with me- no way I was going alone with the jerk. since then he calls me when it's "convient" for him - every few months or so. sometimes I will grab a bite to eat with him, sometimes I won't- depends on my mood. I definitely wouldn't go out of my way to change all of my schedule to suite his. I still don't trust him, but I do have dinner with him a few times a year...i don't think we even really have a relationship, but at least i've tried...i will never wonder "what if" if he passes on or something and I was never open to trying to have some form of a relationship. But honestly- he doesn't try, or even care enough I don't think about me to make more than a crappy attempt to meet with me when it's convient. I'm a grown woman too- it's hard to have all of those emtionions- but I understand where you're comming from./ I would at least try to call him back- he did try to contact you- maybe that's his way of reaching out and trying to build a new relationship with you- at least give it one chance. that way you won't regret that you never tried if he passes on or something. It's hard, but at least give it a shot. I'm there for ya girl- I know what it's like.
post #7 of 13
I guess call him and catch up with, but expect nothing of him to start with except someone to talk with. Don't expect too much or you'll probably be disappointed. Talk about what's up with each others lives, and maybe try to do that once a month - a casual catch up.

Then take it from there, if you guys start rebuilding a connection, then introduce him to more parts of your life - boyfriends, cats etc. If it seems awkward, then a monthly lunch catch up will allow you to keep the ties with your dad.

Just my 2 cents worth
post #8 of 13
Call him - don't expect anything, but do call him!
post #9 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
I've gone through the same crap with my dad. I finally decided that I would be a bigger person and try to forgive him....so I let him take me to dinner one night -with another friend with me- no way I was going alone with the jerk. since then he calls me when it's "convient" for him - every few months or so. sometimes I will grab a bite to eat with him, sometimes I won't- depends on my mood. I definitely wouldn't go out of my way to change all of my schedule to suite his. I still don't trust him, but I do have dinner with him a few times a year...i don't think we even really have a relationship, but at least i've tried...i will never wonder "what if" if he passes on or something and I was never open to trying to have some form of a relationship. But honestly- he doesn't try, or even care enough I don't think about me to make more than a crappy attempt to meet with me when it's convient. I'm a grown woman too- it's hard to have all of those emtionions- but I understand where you're comming from./ I would at least try to call him back- he did try to contact you- maybe that's his way of reaching out and trying to build a new relationship with you- at least give it one chance. that way you won't regret that you never tried if he passes on or something. It's hard, but at least give it a shot. I'm there for ya girl- I know what it's like.
Thanks.
Your good at this stuff.
The biggest thing in keeping me apart from him and him from me, is his wife. I found documents on a curcuit court site that says they divorced and that was the big push in getting me to write him. Maybe now things will be different....gosh i despise that women.
post #10 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahp View Post
I guess call him and catch up with, but expect nothing of him to start with except someone to talk with. Don't expect too much or you'll probably be disappointed. Talk about what's up with each others lives, and maybe try to do that once a month - a casual catch up.

Then take it from there, if you guys start rebuilding a connection, then introduce him to more parts of your life - boyfriends, cats etc. If it seems awkward, then a monthly lunch catch up will allow you to keep the ties with your dad.

Just my 2 cents worth
Excellent advice.
post #11 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahp View Post
I guess call him and catch up with, but expect nothing of him to start with except someone to talk with. Don't expect too much or you'll probably be disappointed. Talk about what's up with each others lives, and maybe try to do that once a month - a casual catch up.

Then take it from there, if you guys start rebuilding a connection, then introduce him to more parts of your life - boyfriends, cats etc. If it seems awkward, then a monthly lunch catch up will allow you to keep the ties with your dad.

Just my 2 cents worth
what you said makes a lot of sense...easing him into my life if things go ok on the phone.
post #12 of 13
I've been in your shoes where I had an absent father who only made contact when it was conveinient for him at the time. We lived in the same town and I hardly ever saw him or spoke to him and when I did I couldn't stand the lies that came out the man's mouth! We did, to a certain degree, patch up our relationship before I left South Africa but it'll ovbiously never be a close one. Leaving him behind was so hard to do but he refused to come to England with us.
His long term girlfriend passed away last year from Anorexia and too much alcohol and it almost killed me knowing I couldnt be with my dad when he needed me the most. After 10 months of grieving, I'd had enough of the midnight phone calls when he'd drunk himself into believing he'd killed Kate or the sms's on my cell saying he's taken a drug and having a wild time "tripping"... it was all bullsh*t and I was just fed up with being the only one who cared if he lived or died... The final straw that broke the camels back was when I received a sms to say there was a warrent out for his arrest for the Murder of Kate and he'd handed himself into the nearest police station but they wouldn't arrest him because it was out of their juristiction! I'd booked a flight home to SA, spoken to my mothers boss who is a Lawyer and found him the best legal team in SA within a day and then he turns around and says he never said that and I was lying... but yet I still love him!

Look, my father has his problems but in the end, he is and always will be my father, and I love him for loving my mother enough to have me and my little sister and that is all that matters.

Life is too short for "what if's" and "maybe's" but he is your father and you both deserve to have a relationship with one another, even if it is from a distance. You made the effort to contact him initially, and he has responded - why don't you try, at least, to catch up on his life and let him have the chance to catch up on yours? Doesn't it show that he's responded that he's willing to try make up for the mistakes and bad choices he's made?
post #13 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pippy-pops View Post
I've been in your shoes where I had an absent father who only made contact when it was conveinient for him at the time. We lived in the same town and I hardly ever saw him or spoke to him and when I did I couldn't stand the lies that came out the man's mouth! We did, to a certain degree, patch up our relationship before I left South Africa but it'll ovbiously never be a close one. Leaving him behind was so hard to do but he refused to come to England with us.
His long term girlfriend passed away last year from Anorexia and too much alcohol and it almost killed me knowing I couldnt be with my dad when he needed me the most. After 10 months of grieving, I'd had enough of the midnight phone calls when he'd drunk himself into believing he'd killed Kate or the sms's on my cell saying he's taken a drug and having a wild time "tripping"... it was all bullsh*t and I was just fed up with being the only one who cared if he lived or died... The final straw that broke the camels back was when I received a sms to say there was a warrent out for his arrest for the Murder of Kate and he'd handed himself into the nearest police station but they wouldn't arrest him because it was out of their juristiction! I'd booked a flight home to SA, spoken to my mothers boss who is a Lawyer and found him the best legal team in SA within a day and then he turns around and says he never said that and I was lying... but yet I still love him!

Look, my father has his problems but in the end, he is and always will be my father, and I love him for loving my mother enough to have me and my little sister and that is all that matters.

Life is too short for "what if's" and "maybe's" but he is your father and you both deserve to have a relationship with one another, even if it is from a distance. You made the effort to contact him initially, and he has responded - why don't you try, at least, to catch up on his life and let him have the chance to catch up on yours? Doesn't it show that he's responded that he's willing to try make up for the mistakes and bad choices he's made?
Thanks for your story. Sometimes i think how much of jerk he's been in the past then I realize like you and many others that he's blood an bone and well he's my dad. I know it could be worse.He could have been abusive, mean and spitefull but he never was. he always made me feel like i was his daughter and part of his family.Something just kept us aprart. Now my stepmother on the other hand was the opposite...very fake and sneaky. She kept us apart and well now that I am an adult I can better explain myself and actually defend my feelings.

I want to thank everyone for their words of wisdom. You guys are great, no where else could I get such great support and helpful advice.
Thank you!
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