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Gosh i feel horrible!

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
As some of you know my mother is an alcoholic, she was doing good for a few months, but then she found out about the move and decided to get so drunk that she slurrs while talking.

I just got in from trying to fix bits and pieces of my apartment, mind you i left at 6:30 am to go to work and been up since 5 am, i have no had it easy in the last few weeks, she just came into my room and starts screaming at me at how lazy i am and how i dont do anything around the house to pack up.

Well most of my things are packed up and already in the new apartment, HER things arent packed up. Each time i walked in the door in the last couple of days she was sleeping, she reeks of alcohol, and im just not happy with her..

ANyway i lost my temper because she was screaming at me for no reason. So i called her a alcoholic cow, and that she should just keep on drinking so when she is dead i will have my peace.

Now i feel horrible, because she just stormed out of my room when i said that, but i am just fed up of her ways

Do you think it was wrong for me to be like that?
post #2 of 27
I'm not one to judge Fran........although I did have an exhusband that used to drink too much. Perhaps you shouldn't have said that, but we all have our breaking points, and unfortuntaly say things that we don't mean to or verbalize our thoughts..............I'm sorry your mom has a drinking problem.......
post #3 of 27
I know exactly how you feel, My mother is an alcoholic too, and she'll lose her temper at absolutely nothing and leave nice little messages on my phone, tagged with "like you care" or "not that it matters, you're not gonna call"
The difference between you and me, is you had the courage to confront your mother, whereas I'm still scared of mine.
You are absolutely not wrong in how you feel, something was bound to give sometime
post #4 of 27
You are allowed to feel how you feel, but I would consider apologizing for hurting her feelings.

I don't think you are wrong to communicate to her how difficult it is to be around her when she is like that.

Fwan, was that info I PMd you any help at all? I asked you before, but you never answered me
post #5 of 27
We are all human, we all say things that we don't mean, and sometimes if we did mean it, perhaps we could have said it better.

The more important thing is to patch things up as soon as possible. I am not sure if your mom is moving with you, but maybe you could make a cup of coffee for you and her, or tea if you all prefer, and just sit and chat awhile. Maybe she is feeling lost or "dumped" if you know what I mean.
post #6 of 27
Thread Starter 
Why would you be scared of your mother?
i sometimes feel like i am superior to my parents.. like I am their mother you know?

Gingersmom! i am so sorry i didnt reply!!! unfortunately everyones helpful comments have already been done unsuccessfully, so there was no way i could continue that way.

The only way i deal with it, and i still like to think it this way:

I was born a Septuplet, but the rest didnt make it, i like to think that because she is drunk so often, she has to go to the angels to look after my siblings, and im stuck with the baby sitter.
Sometimes i cry into my pillow, and say thats not fair! they hog you alot more, and im the one who needs you the most! then she will be sober for a few days, and believe me she cant hear me so i like this coincidence.

Anyway im not going to apologise, i told her what the doctor says, if she wants to end this way then i just have to accept it, but its hard!
post #7 of 27


I'm so sorry, Fwan. Living with an alcoholic that you love is really, really hard to do. Hang in there - I'm praying for you and your mom.
post #8 of 27
While those were not the appropriate words to use for anyone...I can understand how frusterated you are with her drinking. My stepmother is an alcoholic.....she used to severly beat me as a child.I understand what it's like to be around alcoholics. The ONLY way that things are going to get better is if she seeks help. That's the only way. She needs to eithor go into an inpatient treatment facility or join AA meetings. You are going to have to get all of the alcohol out of your house (mouthwash included). Since she is an adult, I believe she has to willingly sign herself into a treatment facility (not sure about how Germany works)....so you and some family members need to try and do an intervention and convience her to get help. She has to want to change. I'm soo sorry you're having to go through this, but just know you have many people out there who care about you and know what it's like to be around alcoholics. Please try to get her some help - that is the only way she will get better. She's got to stop drinking. Also, keep in mind alcohol is a depressant...it is a drug. She is going to have to detox her body of all the alcohol running through her blood stream and it will probably take her a while to get it out of her system- she is dependant on that alcohol to get her "high" in a way. When she goes through detox- expect mood swings, depression, panic attacks, physical illnesss (from the alcohol in her body and her dependancy)....things of that nature- A specialist who deals with alcoholics could explaine it to you better than me- this is why she idealy needs to be checked into a clinic for rehab....and once she has proven that she is doing well....then go to outpatient meetings. Good luck sweetie. I'm praying for you and your mother hang in there. I'm only a pm away if you need to talk.
post #9 of 27
Quote:
Why would you be scared of your mother?
i sometimes feel like i am superior to my parents.. like I am their mother you know?
Oddly enough, because I can't say "no" to her, I haven't reached that place yet. She lived with me for three years and I won't go into it, but it was bad (she was sober at the time too) I ended up being the mother and I hated it.
She eventually moved to another province, which is fine for me, because I'll talk to her when she's being positive and ignore the phone when she's not.
And everytime she starts talking of giving up and moving back in with me, I offer her a slew of options in her area, so she won't.
post #10 of 27
Fwan I know that this is so hard for you! You can't make your mother change. She isn't living the way she should and there is absolutely nothing you or I or anyone cna do about it. All I can do is offer my support! You can vent to me any time you want!

BTW: We all say stuff that comes out wrong sometimes. While you needed to tell your mom that you don't agree with the way she is drinking I know that you didn't mean to hurt her. You were upset. It doesn't make it better but that is just life!
post #11 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
While those were not the appropriate words to use for anyone...I can understand how frusterated you are with her drinking. My stepmother is an alcoholic.....she used to severly beat me as a child.I understand what it's like to be around alcoholics. The ONLY way that things are going to get better is if she seeks help. That's the only way. She needs to eithor go into an inpatient treatment facility or join AA meetings. You are going to have to get all of the alcohol out of your house (mouthwash included). Since she is an adult, I believe she has to willingly sign herself into a treatment facility (not sure about how Germany works)....so you and some family members need to try and do an intervention and convience her to get help. She has to want to change. I'm soo sorry you're having to go through this, but just know you have many people out there who care about you and know what it's like to be around alcoholics. Please try to get her some help - that is the only way she will get better. She's got to stop drinking.
I have tried that, she doesnt want help
post #12 of 27
Thread Starter 
Thanks guys i know i am not the only one in this world who has to put up with it. I just cant immagine giving my child that kind of life..
post #13 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwan View Post
Thanks guys i know i am not the only one in this world who has to put up with it. I just cant immagine giving my child that kind of life..

Have you talked to your dad about it. Maybe she would listen to him more than you since he is her partner in life. Your family is in my prayers. Hopefully she will realize she has a problem and get help.
post #14 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phenomsmom View Post
Have you talked to your dad about it. Maybe she would listen to him more than you since he is her partner in life. Your family is in my prayers. Hopefully she will realize she has a problem and get help.
No she doesnt listen to him. my dad gave up hope a long long time ago
post #15 of 27
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I hope things get better soon.
post #16 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwan View Post
No she doesnt listen to him. my dad gave up hope a long long time ago
That makes matters worse. I am sure that is tough on their marriage. Hang tough girl! That is all you can do is hang in there!
post #17 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwan View Post
No she doesnt listen to him. my dad gave up hope a long long time ago
That's so sad Fran. I'm sorry that you have had to endure this type of behaviour from your mother. Everyone has their snapping point and she finally crossed your limit.

I don't have personal experience, but I'm glad you are able to move out and away from it. It must be tough being younger yet feeling like the adult.

I think if I was involved I would try video taping her during one of these 'episodes' then leave some AA literature with her. It would be really numbing watching yourself drunk on video tape and seeing how horrible you treat your loved ones.
post #18 of 27
I'll be completely honest here and say that I really don't think you should apologize either, Fran. Has you mother ever apologized to you for being drunk and hurting your feelings? most likely not and to me, by apologizing to her you are condoning her right to get drunk and yell at you about nothing. I'm glad you stood up for yourself Fran one thing about alcoholics, nothing is ever their fault and if you continually allow her to assign the blame at you, there is no reason for her to take responsibilty for her actions. Not that I think you're gonna get some miraculous turn around with her, but let her ponder what you said and maybe talk to her lately, hopefully you can catch her while she's sober. Lots of Fran, like I told you before alcoholism has the ability to destroy not only the alcoholics life, but everyone's around them, be strong
post #19 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwan View Post
I have tried that, she doesnt want help
Try doing a family intervention with her (call your local chapter of Alcoholics Anon or anytihng similar...and ask advice on how to set up an intervention) hopefully is she sees how everyone in your family feels, it might encourage her to change her mind and seek help. You have nothing to loose sweetheart- it's worth a try I'm rootin for ya. Hang in there ok.
post #20 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
Try doing a family intervention with her (call your local chapter of Alcoholics Anon or anytihng similar...and ask advice on how to set up an intervention) hopefully is she sees how everyone in your family feels, it might encourage her to change her mind and seek help. You have nothing to loose sweetheart- it's worth a try I'm rootin for ya. Hang in there ok.
I am sorry this has all been done before, there is no use



The videotaping idea i have been wanting to do it for agez! I think it is the only way she will realise what she is like! unfortunately though my camera is dead, and the video quality on my phone wouldnt be good! damn it! i need to find a way with in the next few days about this problem!
post #21 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
I'll be completely honest here and say that I really don't think you should apologize either, Fran. Has you mother ever apologized to you for being drunk and hurting your feelings? most likely not and to me, by apologizing to her you are condoning her right to get drunk and yell at you about nothing. I'm glad you stood up for yourself Fran one thing about alcoholics, nothing is ever their fault and if you continually allow her to assign the blame at you, there is no reason for her to take responsibilty for her actions. Not that I think you're gonna get some miraculous turn around with her, but let her ponder what you said and maybe talk to her lately, hopefully you can catch her while she's sober. Lots of Fran, like I told you before alcoholism has the ability to destroy not only the alcoholics life, but everyone's around them, be strong
I agree.
Children of alcoholics have to put up with a lot of crap all their life, then on top of that they get to feel guilty about resenting their parents, and heaven forbid you distance yourself from them!
You have a right to set boundaries, Fran.
You have a right to not be treated badly.
You need to stick up for yourself and protect yourself. You have to get on with your life, and we all deserve to be as happy as we can. Even if that means cutting people out of your life to do so.
post #22 of 27
Oh Fran

I know how you feel. My mom is an alcoholic as well, complete with the bitterness, guilt trips and angry slurring late night phone calls. I have snapped at her many times..and often feel guilty afterward because its not my mother being drunk and annoying. Its the drug.

My sister and I have tried for years to talk to her..but her husband (not our dad) is the same way so its hard for her to see a reason to stop.

When she is sober, she is wonderful..we have never been very close though and the alcohol does not help.

Unfortunately, if there's one thing I know..they will not change until THEY want to. Luckily, she recently had an old friend call her to tell her she had almost died from an alcohol related coma, and now her friend is sober and happy...hopefully my mom follows the same example before reaching the same fate.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Fran, I know how hard it is, but hun there is not much you can do. An intervention might help, but even still if your mom doesn't want to change, she won't.

post #23 of 27
Oh Fran I am sorry and I wish there was something more I can say. Only what I have said before, that I really think YOU need more support in your life, and you should try again to join a group helping families of alcoholics. TCS is great, but you need professional face to face support. I think your mother is beyond help at this point, unless she suddenly ddecides for some reason th change, and as you said, that is not likely to happen.
post #24 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
Oh Fran

I know how you feel. My mom is an alcoholic as well, complete with the bitterness, guilt trips and angry slurring late night phone calls. I have snapped at her many times..and often feel guilty afterward because its not my mother being drunk and annoying. Its the drug.

My sister and I have tried for years to talk to her..but her husband (not our dad) is the same way so its hard for her to see a reason to stop.

When she is sober, she is wonderful..we have never been very close though and the alcohol does not help.

Unfortunately, if there's one thing I know..they will not change until THEY want to. Luckily, she recently had an old friend call her to tell her she had almost died from an alcohol related coma, and now her friend is sober and happy...hopefully my mom follows the same example before reaching the same fate.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Fran, I know how hard it is, but hun there is not much you can do. An intervention might help, but even still if your mom doesn't want to change, she won't.


Well the only thing im lucky is that my mother is deaf and she cant call my phone to abuse me, because gosh if she was hearing she would abuse the phone badly but when i was living with my ex last year she would send messed up faxes, and i knew she was drunk because of her hand writing. When i was younger she used to go to my friends places at 9 pm to talk to their parents how lonely she was ect, and then when she got home she went crazy at me for no reason.

ANyway the first thing that will happen when she gets to Rome is drinking, she wont have internet or fax in the first 2 - 3 weeks, so ive already told my dad to be prepared.

Jenny, i know, im looking into it as soon as the move is done and i have my work schedule ready i am attending the classes which should be in about 2 weeks.
post #25 of 27
Hang in there Fran. Like others said here, you have the right to be happy. Sometimes that means letting the ones you love ruin their lives, but you can't "fix" someone. They have the problem, they need to solve it. That applies to situations other than alcoholism.

Hang in there!
post #26 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittenKiya View Post
We are all human, we all say things that we don't mean, and sometimes if we did mean it, perhaps we could have said it better.
...wise words from Janet!...

Dear Fran you´re a brave girl because you trust in us to tell us the Mom´s problem....this is dignus of admire!........

I´m not judge too ( like Susie´s say) But you do well to vent here your feelings!....

Don´t give up, my Brave Girl!

Sinceresly, your truly friend!....Rigz!.....
post #27 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyranson View Post
Oh Fran I am sorry and I wish there was something more I can say. Only what I have said before, that I really think YOU need more support in your life, and you should try again to join a group helping families of alcoholics. TCS is great, but you need professional face to face support.
I agree totally! I'm so glad that you're going to get some help for you, when my dad went sober, I was still young, maybe 6 or 7, but I went into counseling for a year or so, and let me tell you, I came out of that situation with a lot less baggage than I could have had and a greater understanding of alcoholism, it will do you wonders Fran
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