Originally Posted by 4crazycats
Probably any of the times I was sexually molested by an older cousin. The only person who knows is John and you guys now.
I've remembered the physical beatings from my mother all of my life. She had a wicked temper and used to go at me with whatever she happened to have in hand... wooden spoons, brooms, fly swatters, leather barber belt with the metal end, pots... you name it I was hit with it at one time or another.
The worse incident was when I was 9 and she was in a blind rage over something and had locked her and me in a bathroom and was whipping me with the metal end of a leather barber belt. I was crouched in the tub covering my head while she kept hitting me. My brother who was 15 I think, managed to get the door off the hinges and stopped her before she could kill me. I was full of bleeding welts.
I ran out of the house in -40 degree weather in deep snow in my bare feet without a coat and only wearing a nightgown. I ran blocks and blocks up and down streets trying to find where my dad had moved to. My parents had separated a year or so prior and I had been to my dad's lots, but he had moved very recently again and I didn't know (I had forgotten it) the address or even the street. All I knew is that it faced the front street and it was on the second floor. So I ran blocks and blocks looking for his cactus plants in the window on the second floor of a house. I don't know how I managed, but I found it! I stayed there a few days and then the courts ordered me to be returned to my mother.
As for the sexual abuse, I didn't remember that until 1994 when I was in my 30's. I started to have flashing images of events, but I couldn't see a face. One day my cousin picked me up to take me to a funeral out of town and we had to stop in a small town on the way and pick up his brother. His brother sat in the back seat and was leaning forward with his arms on the back of the front seat talking to us. As we were driving down a highway I was hit with an image that seemed to start far away and zoom in and "hit me in the face"...the face was that of my cousin who was sitting behind me. I nearly opened the door of the car and leaped out!
I talked to one of my aunt's about what I was starting to "remember' and told her that I was losing my mind. She like a mom to me mother after my mom died when I was 15. She told me that this cousin had lived with my family for about 6 months when I was about 9 years old or so. I had no memory of that, but I do now.
I called the child abuse registry and without even looking it up, the detective I talked to recognized the name of my cousin. Apparently his wife had left him after she caught him abusing their 5 kids. One of his girl friend's had left him after she caught him abusing their 3 kids. However, no charges were pressed for whatever the reason.
The only other person I told back then was my brother. I kept silent because I had deep respect and love for this guys mother who was my Aunt through marriage. But after she died I no longer kept the secret. My whole family knows... cousins, aunts, uncles... you name it, they all know what he did to me. And they all believe me and support me and other female cousins when they hear what he did to me now say that he tried "stuff" with them too, but they were afraid to say anything at the time.
I am very vocal and open about what happened to me because I feel that the more I speak up and talk about it the more healing I get, and I also let others know that they aren't alone and that it wasn't their fault. I have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about and I won't keep his secret. All keeping the secret does is protect him and I won't do that now that his mother is dead.