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waste of time.

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
So today is one of those days that does not pay to get out of bed.

First i get home yesterday morning from work,The wife tells me that she pregnant.
So i stay up really late into the day with her talking about plans and stuff. I know how
excited she is over this. how i like kids, and stuff, I never really wanted to be a father.
I know that alot of that is cause of my father, it was kinda rough growing up with him.

Anyway i come into work today, and have been talking to the wife on yahoo and the phone. It seems she wants to end the marriage. Says she cant take bouncing back and forth from indoensia and america. She never liked living here, far from her family and friends and during the times she is back there, said she cant take being that far from me, as she feels that she is being a bad wife. She would stay here with me during the summer and go back to indo once winter came. Plus she has her own business there to keep a eye on. She also said that she does not the baby being bounced around like that. I also know that she is getting alot of pressure from her family over me. For those that have ever done the interracial thing i am sure you know what mean.

I do understand her feelings, but there is nothign i can do about going back there. I have been kicked out of the country. Thanks to paper work screw ups, which we have been fighting in court. But there is little chance her govt will admit to the mistake.
I also do understand that since i broke my back things have been even harder on her as i am not as active and going all the time like i used to be. She is not the stay at home type. she always was go go go go. so that was just another issue that as been really eatting at her. Not only is she leaving, but i had invested my life savings + more when i moved there setting up a business, and buying my own house. Now for the really bad news, forgin people are not allowed to own things like that there. SO the house(she already had 3 houses of her own before we married) the business all are in her name. She says that she will sale them and put all the money in my bank account there. That not really the point as i dont want to sale them, i would like very much to go back.

So the wife said, we would talk more about once i get home, but i told her since she has already made up her mind about this, i see no need to talk more about it. that she should pack up her stuff, and her 3 cats call a taxi and get out tonight before i get home. I would fedex her what ever else she could not carry out tonight. Since we never did the paper work here in america or indo just in thailand, i guess there is nothing court wise here to do(the house here is all in my name, i payed for it) she has already booked a flight back to indo, was told she did that on sunday.

man i should have stayed in bed,

sorry, for putting this here, i guess for once i needed to write something out,
post #2 of 28
I'm so sorry for the angst and pain you're going through...I hope you can work it out.

Here's an option if you can figure it : Malaysia has a programme called MM2H - malaysia my 2nd home...since we are so close to Indo. I would suggest you google it and check it out (I can't remember the website, sorry!). The back and forth flying would be no problem and I'm sure you're a smart enough guy to figure out work options, etc.

Chin up dear, keep fighting and all will not be lost.
post #3 of 28
I am sorry to hear youre going through such a rough time.
But does she really want to take the baby away from you? You are after all the Father. She shouldnt have married you if she wasnt going to accept the fact that there may be a possibility to live in America forever.

I hope it all works out, and that others have better advice to give.

post #4 of 28
Oh good grief that's a bombshell she's given you?!

Remember her hormones are running riot right at the moment with being pregnant, and i would really sit down and discuss everything with her face to face before you fedex all her things and call it a day.

How often do you see each other?.
post #5 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abymummy View Post
Malaysia has a programme called MM2H - malaysia my 2nd home...since we are so close to Indo. .
thanks, i will check that out. i have also been looking in sigapore for the last several months for something.. thank you again
post #6 of 28
Thread Starter 
yea i did think about the hormone thing, along with the weather here in ohio is starting to turn cold again which means she wants to go back home.

the last 2 years she comes in march and stays until the snow starts to fall.

thanks for thoughts ladies
post #7 of 28
Goodness, what a load of bombshells! Hopefully it is something you can discuss and decide what is best for all of you. It has to be tough being together, then apart. But sometimes things are how they are, and you deal with them as best you can. Which sometimes means giving up something you want very badly.

Hope you had some time to talk last night, and things are better for you today.
post #8 of 28
WOW!! I'm sorry you had such an awful day.Hopefully you all can work it out and she will stay there.I am sending good vibes your way!!!
post #9 of 28
Oh no, this must be terrible for you. Did you see this coming?

Are you okay? If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me..I have no marriage expertise, but I'm sure the burden of this is weighing on you.

I am so sorry, I hope perhaps you two can work things out.
post #10 of 28
I'm so sorry to here you're going through this.... hopefully things can work out and lots of good vibes {{{{}}}}
post #11 of 28
I'm sorry you had such an awful day. You sound like a wonderful person. I really hope things get better.
post #12 of 28
Thats quite the siutation you have. I agree with the others on the hormone thing. Does she know how far along in the pregnancy she is. The child if born in American would be an American citizen. I don't have any other advice for you other than I hope you both work out a resolution.
post #13 of 28
So sorry to hear about this. I hope you do sit down and talk with her face to face. If she does end up leaving, it would be so much better for everyone in the long run if you could work out an amicable parting.
post #14 of 28
I have nothing to add but *hugs* - I'm so sorry.
post #15 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal211 View Post
I have nothing to add but *hugs* - I'm so sorry.
Me too! I really hope everything gets better for you soon!
post #16 of 28
So sorry to hear about this.

Just a thought, but if the baby is born in Indonesia, could that in any way get things speeded up legally for you? Since you'll have a child there?

It's probably not only hormones, but she wants to be with her mother during this time, too.

Keep us posted! I'm sending some good thoughts your way.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

p.s. People who had difficult parents can be good parents themselves. We learn from our parents what to do and what NOT to do.
post #17 of 28
Yikes! That is awful! I would say to risk anything to save the marriage and your chance to be an involved father. The idea that you can just split as if there were no child is a fantasy. Children who have no input from their fathers often have very poor self esteem. It is so difficult for a child not to feel worthless when one of the people who brought them to life doesn't become a part of that life. (The old...my own father or mother doesn't love me, how can anyone else. And to a kid, they will not believe they love you if they don't spend time with you.)

This is a very difficult situation. But I would say sell everything here and move to Malaysia if necessary so you are near her. Let her know that you want to try to work things out, by seeing her regularly, but you understand that she needs the support of her family at this time. Do what you can to hold your family together.

I will tell you one thing, the first time you see that baby you will know that you DO want to be a father. Not a poor father like your Dad, but a loving, responsible father, like only you can be. Whether or not you can save the marriage, do what you can to at least have a real prescence in the baby's life.

I am very sorry for your horrible day. I hope she is still there when you get home so you can talk some more. You must be hurting so bad!
post #18 of 28
I just ran across your post. I am soo sorry this is all happening.Any updates? I really think you should try and sit down with her one more time and try to talk it out....maybe she was just hormonal yesterday and missing her family back home. She must be scared to be pregnant and that far away from her family and mother. Maybe there is a compromise you both could reach Eithor way, my prayers and thoughts are with you. I hope everything works out...
post #19 of 28
I'm so sorry to hear this. I often wondered how you did the long-distance relationship. I'm saying a little prayer for the both of you that you may be able to work this out. The cross-culture thing is hard.
post #20 of 28
Any updates tonight? My thoughts are with you.
post #21 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
Oh no, this must be terrible for you. Did you see this coming?

Are you okay? If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me..I have no marriage expertise, but I'm sure the burden of this is weighing on you.

I am so sorry, I hope perhaps you two can work things out.
Thank you, and thank every one for there thoughts.

Hmm did i see is coming, well i know she was stressed about going back to indo again. She hates being apart from me, as she does her family. She always says she is being a bad wife for leaving me, during the winter, I also know that some people in her family have been giving her a very hard time about me, since i forced to leave the country. Family in that part of the world has a much grreater influance then it does here.
post #22 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
So sorry to hear about this.

Just a thought, but if the baby is born in Indonesia, could that in any way get things speeded up legally for you? Since you'll have a child there?

It's probably not only hormones, but she wants to be with her mother during this time, too.

Keep us posted! I'm sending some good thoughts your way.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

p.s. People who had difficult parents can be good parents themselves. We learn from our parents what to do and what NOT to do.
Well up until a few weeks ago, any child born in indo followed the father, so the child would be american from the time it was born. The laws changed now i think to allow the child to have both, but only until they are 18 at which time they have to pick which country to follow. Indo is a very closed country in terms o allowing people to stay.
all i can do is keep doing what have i been , taking there ruling to there court system, and looking for another job that is near indo
post #23 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
Any updates tonight? My thoughts are with you.
lol well she is at my sisters house now, we talked some tonight. but we did not disuccs the problem at hand

and how about you? how did your talk go if i may ask.
post #24 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckiboo View Post
This is a very difficult situation. But I would say sell everything here and move to Malaysia if necessary so you are near her.
Malaysia, sigapore, thailand, all of them are very short plane or boat ride away.
I have been and will keep looking for something in that part of the world. of course i would very much like to have contact and to see my kid.
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
I have been and will keep looking for something in that part of the world. of course i would very much like to have contact and to see my kid.
I thought so. I must say that with my 3rd (of 4) pregnancy, I was wacky. It was quite strange. My husband and I have always gotten alonge just fine, but for most of mu pregnancy, and a few weeks after it, I had this certainty that he was being unfaithful to me. There was never any evidence, in fact lots of evidence that he was not...but I still had this feeling. I also often pictured him dying fairly often, and remember thinking about how does a pregnant woman dress at her husbands funeral? Or if it happens after the baby is born, would you dress the baby in black, or would gray be a better choice. I mean, I was WEIRD! I knew it was weird, and managed to mostly keep my thoughts to myself. But just to let you know, sometimes the hormones really mess with your mind. It is highly possible that on top of the stress and guilt you are already experiencing as a couple, this is too much for her right now.

The cat site has experienced many miracles. I pray that your situation will also have a miraculous result...a healing for your marriage and your family.

One thing I suggest when job hunting out of your area, is to let the employers know that you will be moving to the area, whether they hire you or not. Then they will know you are serious about it...and hopefully you will get that job. Then it will be easier to see your wife, as the legal case continues to let you join her and her family.

Oh....and

CONGRATULATIONS!


You are going to be a Daddy!

P.S. Get her some flowers, or a little gift of pink and blue booties, and keep telling her how much you love her. Let her know that being married to her, even if you only get her March to October, is better than being apart.

She is with your sister...so family IS important to her, and you are her family. Remind her of that, too!
post #26 of 28
Wow! You did have a pretty crappy day! I'm sorry. Is she taking the cats? Will you have any left?
post #27 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4crazycats View Post
Wow! You did have a pretty crappy day! I'm sorry. Is she taking the cats? Will you have any left?

oh yea heyu is my kitty, the other 3 are from indo
lol we have or had? interracial kitty house
post #28 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckiboo View Post
I thought so. I must say that with my 3rd (of 4) pregnancy, I was wacky.

ehe thanks, to tell the truth i am scared of being a dad.
but i guess that is normal
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