Think Positive and Don´t give up Nikki!
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My best wishes and my prayers are with you!
)))))))))))))))))))))))))..
My best wishes and my prayers are with you!
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I need some major vibes right now
- Thread starter starryeyedtiger
- Start Date
- Joined
- May 11, 2006
- Messages
- 8,028
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- 22
Whatever you need that we can provide, you KNOW we are here for you!!!
Sending MAJOR (!) strength and coping and calming vibes your way so you can deal with whatever it is that you need to handle.
Sending MAJOR (!) strength and coping and calming vibes your way so you can deal with whatever it is that you need to handle.
Hey you, you know you have all the good vibes I can muster for ya........I'm here if you need me. We all are!
Here goes hope this helps you out
)))))))~~~~~~*********GOOD VIBES*************~~~~~(((((((
)))))))~~~~~~*********GOOD VIBES*************~~~~~(((((((
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #25
Thankyou soo much for all of the prayers and supportive vibes everyone. I can't possible tell you how much it means to me. It is always good to know how much my TCS friends care- that's an awesome feeling during a rough time. I know I left ya'll a bit blank early this morning as to exactly why I needed vibes...so since I don't know what else to do at this time, and ya'll seem to be good on advice....I will post my problem:
Ok....so here's my problem and the reason I need some major vibes. Last night I was in Colin's Office in his desk looking for the tape measure to measure around my stomach and figure out what my current BMI was.(I know, it sounds stupid, but I've just recently been given the ok to go back to the gym by my doctors, so I wanted to see if i've made any progress in the past two weeks.)
Now Colin has told me on numerous occassions to get whatever I need out of the desk because that is where we keep all of the office supplies, etc of that nature. Well, last night while I was reaching for the tape measure, I noticed that I knocked some little business cards over....not the snooping type, I just picked up the tape measure and was getting ready to close the drawer on the desk until I noticed that those weren't just any business cards....those were business cards to one of the most popular strip joints in the state. I sat there for a few minutes just stunned at what I saw.....at that point I did something very uncharastic of me and snooped at those cards. (i felt awful for snooping....I never do that because I trust him...but at that point I just had this gut instinct telling me to look
). When I examined those closer, I realized that they weren't business cards, those were free passes! 3 of them! Now here's the issue- the desk that I got those out of, Colin just finished building in August- it is a brand new desk....so it's not like those were something thrown in there that he had forgotten about....those were recently added to there and he had obviously recently acquired them!
It gets even better.............At this point I had just this gut instinct telling me to look in the little business card book underneath those free passes that I found. I don't know if i'm glad that I did that or now.....when I flipped to the last page in there I found 10 more free passes, neatly tucked away and in plastic so they wouldn't get damaged. He has 13 free passes to that strip joint!!!!
Here's the kicker.....please do not try to judge me so harshly for this......I really can't believe i'm telling you this about my past.....,- but it will make more
sense as to why I am soo upset if I do. Please don't be too harsh.
When I was 18...I was very young and stupid for about a month there...I became a stripper to make ends meet at a very high end strip club in the city. (I never did drugs, smoked, or gave out any "favors" ...I strictly danced.) I was in high school at the time and my mom and I were struggling to make ends meet- at the time I had a design job in a flower shop and was also working at a hotel....both jobs weren't enough to make ends meet. So for a month that winter...and I feel awful for posting this...I was a stripper. I feel aweful for it, but I can't take back my past- only learn from it. After about a month of that job, I realized that what I was doing wasn't right for me or my future and that I deserved better....so I left and never looked back. I graduated with honors from school and i'm planning on going to med school now for dentistry. So while I feel absoultely horrible about my past "job"...there's nothing I can do to change what happened. Here's the thing...from the beginning, I was VERY open and honest with Colin about the mistake I had made by stripping. I let him know that for those reasons, I was never ok with him going to a strip club. (I know what goes on...and while I did not praticipate in the things that some of the other girls did....I was definitely aware of it.) Colin assured me that he didn't go to the strip clubs here and that he wouldn't, especially since I was so uncomfortable with it and disagreed with it soo much. - that is what I think hurts the most...
So now that you know my background and exactly why I don't want him in one of those clubs....you can see why I freaked out last night when I found 13 free passes to a strip club. The thing is, that nobody hands those passes out except for the strippers....I know this becase at the club I was at previously, that's what we would do, we'd pass out free passes to customers in our club and also go out to local bars and other hang outs and pass them out. So at some point, Colin eithor took those 13 free passes from a stripper at the club or was in a place where strippers were handing out free passes, and talked to a stripper and took them home. Also, no stripper is going to give him 13 free passes at one time (it costs money to print those and she'd loose business for the club if she "wasted" free passes like that...the most they usually give out per person is 2 or 3 at a time- certainly not 13! Which can only mean one thing....he has spoken with multiple strippers at some point and multiple strippers have given him free passes....I don't know if there was more than 13 and he has used those already, or if he has never had an intention of using these 13 now- but if he didn't he should have told those strippers that he was in a commited relationship and that he wasn't interested and he should have respectfully declined their invitation to free passes....I guess he doesn't love me enough to do that huh???
This is absouletly breaking my heart...
He's been with me for two years now....and here I thought he was ready for marriage and children and he's supposed to take me house hunting with him next week for a bigger house (which he talks of frequently)
and I find 13 free passes to one of the most popular strip joints in the state. What did I miss??? What did I do wrong? He's always about an hour or so late from work every night....but that wouldn't give him enough time to drive all the way out there for a dance or two and all the way back- plus I would smell smoke on him (i'm like a human smoke detector thanks to my astmah and allergies.) When could he have possible gone? I'm with him all of the time.
/ I just don't undertsand how he could do this. Especially since he knows my past and the positive changes i've made since then. How could he???? I feel soo betrayed and aweful right now. I was ready for an engagement ring, not a free pass to a strip club! And what gets me is the fact that that desk is new and he recently added those to it...he knows I go in that desk all the time for pencils, whiteout, etc....did he think I wouldn't stumble across them??? Did he "want" me to find them? / I honestly don't think he has a sexual addiction or anything of that nature (we've been studying that lately in my Psych II class, plus that's what i'm doing my project on...so I would hope that I would have noticed something like that).
So here's the deal...he's out of town until tomorrow night. He's been in Florida with his mom and aunt. (I hope they're giving him hell and working him to death!) I don't want to call him and talk about this over the phone- I want to be face to face with him and I want him to look in my face and tell me exactly what's going on. So tomorrow night after I pick him up from the airport and take him home...i'll let him get settled in and then I'll bring it up I think. Here's how i'm planning on brining this up. I'm simply going to bring him into the office and sit down in the floor by the desk...(we always sit down and talk things out openly and honestly..we never scream or anything like that.) I'm going to tell him that "On Monday night, I was in the drawer looking for your tape measure to measure my waist and find out what my BMI was. While I looked in the drawer for the tape measure, I started to take it out and while I did that, it was close to some paper and knocked it over...since i'm not a snoop, I was going to just take the tape measure and close the drawer until something cought my attention....when I looked down I saw 3 free passes to the strip club. Colin, you need to be completly honest and open with me right here and now and tell me the truth about those free passes. This desk is realateive new and you have recently added everything that you want to be in there to it...including those free passes, what is going on? Why do you have them? Why haven't you been honest with me about having them?" At this point I plan on hearing what he has to say. When he's done i'm planning on saying, "Colin, if you love me and care about our future and our relationship, you will throw those three passes away ---then I will look him in the eyes and tell him Colin- If you love me, I expect you to throw those three passes away......and any other passes you may have as well (I'm not planning on telling him that I know about the other 10 in that book in the bottom of that drawer- I want to see what he does)
Here's where I need help - what do I do if he only throws those 3 away and not the 10 in the drawer? What do I do then? Do I tell him I know about those also??? That would seem like the right thing to do, but I also don't want him to think that i'm a snoop.
Also...here is what he did on thursday night...two nights before he left to go to out of town
I just copied and pasted a previous post... (sorry for the long length)
"Colin came home late from work last night as usual...then asked if I minded him getting a drink with some of his cop buddies....I said ok as long as it was only one or two...-well...this was at 11:30....he didn't get home till 4:00 in the morning- I had been sick as a dog all night (throwing up, coughing, sneezing)...the thing is, he told me he'd be right back when he left and would only be gone and hour....well, by the time 4:00 in the morning rolled around I was really upset because he had lied,and I was worried about him - I had told him to call me if he had too much to drink, but I was worrying that something happened and I didn't know what....so at 4:00 in the morning I sent him a text message that said "It's 4:00 in the morning Colin...."...I left it at that....and boy did that work...not even 5 minutes later he was home. When he got home he said "Hey" and tried to kiss me....I told him "It's 4:00 in the morning....you know, I don't mind you having a drink with your coworkers, but I do mind you lying to me and comming home at 4:00 in the morning- I don't do that to you and you are not going to do that to me ever again...I was worried about you and didn't know if you had gotten hurt....then he tried to say don't you trust me not to drink and drive...and I told him - I trusted you when you told me you'd be home in an hour....and it's 4:00 in the morning now....he sure shut up after that. Then he tried to kiss me -my response was this..."You smell like an ashtray - I have astmah, and i'm allergic to smoke...and in case you missed the memo, i'm sick....so you smelling like an ashtray doesn't help- you need a shower". (he doesn't smoke...but the bar he was at was a smoking one and he was covered in it when he got home....which made me really sick...I had already had 2 astmah attacks by that time....and then he made the whole room smell like it- very considerate huh ...yeah...I was a little mean..but I was sick and he had been out drinking all night...he totally deserved it...I don't tolerate that junk- I don't do that to him and I don't want it done to me. I asked him if this was going to turn into a habit...and he said "has it been"...and then I repeated my question...and he repeated his answer.....finally I said .....if it becomes a habit, you're gonna be comming home to an empty house. - after that he took a shower to get the smoke off of him and appologized for being a jerk. I was soo upset...I was crying the whole time. I don't do that to him and I don't like it done to me....not to mention I was worried sick about him when 4:00am rolled around and he still wasn't home....he never does that. So yeah, I was rightfully upset, and I let him know I didn't appreciate it. I stand up for myself....I'm not putting up with that...I think he got the point after that....he said he wouldn't do it again...which is good....and if he does, he's on his own...I'm not gonna be done that way....so yeah...that was my morning. And i'm still sick..I missed my Psych II class because I couldn't get my astmah under control- stress doesn't help... ....he tried to be nice this morning and made me breakfast and appologized again. which is nice, i told him if it happened again though, I was going back to my house and he'd be on his own- no woman deserves that." -------that's from this thread http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...=102135&page=2
---and on an update, after finding those free strip club passes last night, I was suspecious and I called the bar where he claimed to be at that night to see "what time they closed during the week....the man sayed that they stop serving alcohol at 2:30am and close at 3am....(it's not even 5 minutes down the road from Colin's house.) ....that night that coiln went out "drinking"...he didn't get home until after 4:00 am...well after the bar had closed..it should not have taken him that long....so now i'm wondering if that was where he really was. I don't know right now, i'm just questioning everything and i'm beyond upset.
Oh, and for the final straw- as if things couldn't be any peachier! Here's what happened last night when I was sitting on the couch crying over what I had found in Colin's desk drawer....I'm having the worst possible week
Also, not even an hour after I posted this message....things my night got even more "super" when I was sitting down in the living room on the couch crying over my current problem, the garage door opened. Nobody has the garage door openers- there is one in my car and one in Colins. Also, nobody has the code to the garage door to open it. At first I thought maybe Colin flew home early...but then I was like "wait"...it's almost 4:00 in the morning, no way that's Colin and his truck is in the garage. At that point I started to flip out. I called Colin in tears and then I went on telling him that the garage door was open and that nobody has access to open it except us. The thing that freaked me out is that Colin is a cop and has arrested a lot of ppl- if someone has an agenda against him...the squad car in front of the house is like a big red target.
Colin asked me if i saw or heard anyone outside and I told him that I didn't, but that didn't mean they couldn't be there....so at this point I was crying hysterically and having a hard time breathing (I was already sick and crying before this, so that definitely didn't help.) Colin told me to go in the closet and get the shotgun and the pistol....so I ran in the bedroom closet, go those and ran back into the kitchen by the garage door and looked out the window...at this point I had my shotgun pointed straight at the window ready to shoot and crying my eyes out. Colin convienced me to get off the phone for 2 seconds so he could call his police friends and have them check out the house. Thankfully, they showed up not even 2 minutes later (Anytime they get a call that a fellow officer's house has something going on- they show up in no time flat- they're good about taking care of their own- i'm definitely greatful for that.) Well, two of his police friends searched the outside of the house as well as every nook and craney of the whole house, including the attic? lol. They assured me that it was safe and said that what likely happened was someone was driving by the house, and the radiowaves interfeared with the garage's frequency...that or another person tried to use their garage door opener, and it accidently set off ours (I live in a very poor part of town...i've never had a garage in my life- so i've never had anything like this happen- which is what i explained to them...Colin lives in a really good neighborhood, with a garage...so even though i'm somewhat used to it, i still know nothing about garage doors.) - the guys were really supportive and assured me i was ok.....so after that they left and told me to call if i needed anything else. They were really sweet. Thankfully last night I didn't have any more issues with the garage after that- it sure did scare me though- I left all of the security lights on and slept with a shotgun right beside me and a pistol under my pillow. Thankfully though everything as far as that goes is ok now.
Once again guys, i appologize for the length of this thing, but I really hope you read it so you can hopefully give me an ounce of advice as to what to do
I don't want to break up with him...at least not till I hear his "explainitaion" when he gets home tomorrow night for those free passes to the strip club. Please help
Ok....so here's my problem and the reason I need some major vibes. Last night I was in Colin's Office in his desk looking for the tape measure to measure around my stomach and figure out what my current BMI was.(I know, it sounds stupid, but I've just recently been given the ok to go back to the gym by my doctors, so I wanted to see if i've made any progress in the past two weeks.)
Now Colin has told me on numerous occassions to get whatever I need out of the desk because that is where we keep all of the office supplies, etc of that nature. Well, last night while I was reaching for the tape measure, I noticed that I knocked some little business cards over....not the snooping type, I just picked up the tape measure and was getting ready to close the drawer on the desk until I noticed that those weren't just any business cards....those were business cards to one of the most popular strip joints in the state. I sat there for a few minutes just stunned at what I saw.....at that point I did something very uncharastic of me and snooped at those cards. (i felt awful for snooping....I never do that because I trust him...but at that point I just had this gut instinct telling me to look
It gets even better.............At this point I had just this gut instinct telling me to look in the little business card book underneath those free passes that I found. I don't know if i'm glad that I did that or now.....when I flipped to the last page in there I found 10 more free passes, neatly tucked away and in plastic so they wouldn't get damaged. He has 13 free passes to that strip joint!!!!
Here's the kicker.....please do not try to judge me so harshly for this......I really can't believe i'm telling you this about my past.....,- but it will make more
sense as to why I am soo upset if I do. Please don't be too harsh.
When I was 18...I was very young and stupid for about a month there...I became a stripper to make ends meet at a very high end strip club in the city. (I never did drugs, smoked, or gave out any "favors" ...I strictly danced.) I was in high school at the time and my mom and I were struggling to make ends meet- at the time I had a design job in a flower shop and was also working at a hotel....both jobs weren't enough to make ends meet. So for a month that winter...and I feel awful for posting this...I was a stripper. I feel aweful for it, but I can't take back my past- only learn from it. After about a month of that job, I realized that what I was doing wasn't right for me or my future and that I deserved better....so I left and never looked back. I graduated with honors from school and i'm planning on going to med school now for dentistry. So while I feel absoultely horrible about my past "job"...there's nothing I can do to change what happened. Here's the thing...from the beginning, I was VERY open and honest with Colin about the mistake I had made by stripping. I let him know that for those reasons, I was never ok with him going to a strip club. (I know what goes on...and while I did not praticipate in the things that some of the other girls did....I was definitely aware of it.) Colin assured me that he didn't go to the strip clubs here and that he wouldn't, especially since I was so uncomfortable with it and disagreed with it soo much. - that is what I think hurts the most...
So now that you know my background and exactly why I don't want him in one of those clubs....you can see why I freaked out last night when I found 13 free passes to a strip club. The thing is, that nobody hands those passes out except for the strippers....I know this becase at the club I was at previously, that's what we would do, we'd pass out free passes to customers in our club and also go out to local bars and other hang outs and pass them out. So at some point, Colin eithor took those 13 free passes from a stripper at the club or was in a place where strippers were handing out free passes, and talked to a stripper and took them home. Also, no stripper is going to give him 13 free passes at one time (it costs money to print those and she'd loose business for the club if she "wasted" free passes like that...the most they usually give out per person is 2 or 3 at a time- certainly not 13! Which can only mean one thing....he has spoken with multiple strippers at some point and multiple strippers have given him free passes....I don't know if there was more than 13 and he has used those already, or if he has never had an intention of using these 13 now- but if he didn't he should have told those strippers that he was in a commited relationship and that he wasn't interested and he should have respectfully declined their invitation to free passes....I guess he doesn't love me enough to do that huh???
This is absouletly breaking my heart...
and I find 13 free passes to one of the most popular strip joints in the state. What did I miss??? What did I do wrong? He's always about an hour or so late from work every night....but that wouldn't give him enough time to drive all the way out there for a dance or two and all the way back- plus I would smell smoke on him (i'm like a human smoke detector thanks to my astmah and allergies.) When could he have possible gone? I'm with him all of the time.
So here's the deal...he's out of town until tomorrow night. He's been in Florida with his mom and aunt. (I hope they're giving him hell and working him to death!) I don't want to call him and talk about this over the phone- I want to be face to face with him and I want him to look in my face and tell me exactly what's going on. So tomorrow night after I pick him up from the airport and take him home...i'll let him get settled in and then I'll bring it up I think. Here's how i'm planning on brining this up. I'm simply going to bring him into the office and sit down in the floor by the desk...(we always sit down and talk things out openly and honestly..we never scream or anything like that.) I'm going to tell him that "On Monday night, I was in the drawer looking for your tape measure to measure my waist and find out what my BMI was. While I looked in the drawer for the tape measure, I started to take it out and while I did that, it was close to some paper and knocked it over...since i'm not a snoop, I was going to just take the tape measure and close the drawer until something cought my attention....when I looked down I saw 3 free passes to the strip club. Colin, you need to be completly honest and open with me right here and now and tell me the truth about those free passes. This desk is realateive new and you have recently added everything that you want to be in there to it...including those free passes, what is going on? Why do you have them? Why haven't you been honest with me about having them?" At this point I plan on hearing what he has to say. When he's done i'm planning on saying, "Colin, if you love me and care about our future and our relationship, you will throw those three passes away ---then I will look him in the eyes and tell him Colin- If you love me, I expect you to throw those three passes away......and any other passes you may have as well (I'm not planning on telling him that I know about the other 10 in that book in the bottom of that drawer- I want to see what he does)
Here's where I need help - what do I do if he only throws those 3 away and not the 10 in the drawer? What do I do then? Do I tell him I know about those also??? That would seem like the right thing to do, but I also don't want him to think that i'm a snoop.
Also...here is what he did on thursday night...two nights before he left to go to out of town
"Colin came home late from work last night as usual...then asked if I minded him getting a drink with some of his cop buddies....I said ok as long as it was only one or two...-well...this was at 11:30....he didn't get home till 4:00 in the morning- I had been sick as a dog all night (throwing up, coughing, sneezing)...the thing is, he told me he'd be right back when he left and would only be gone and hour....well, by the time 4:00 in the morning rolled around I was really upset because he had lied,and I was worried about him - I had told him to call me if he had too much to drink, but I was worrying that something happened and I didn't know what....so at 4:00 in the morning I sent him a text message that said "It's 4:00 in the morning Colin...."...I left it at that....and boy did that work...not even 5 minutes later he was home. When he got home he said "Hey" and tried to kiss me....I told him "It's 4:00 in the morning....you know, I don't mind you having a drink with your coworkers, but I do mind you lying to me and comming home at 4:00 in the morning- I don't do that to you and you are not going to do that to me ever again...I was worried about you and didn't know if you had gotten hurt....then he tried to say don't you trust me not to drink and drive...and I told him - I trusted you when you told me you'd be home in an hour....and it's 4:00 in the morning now....he sure shut up after that. Then he tried to kiss me -my response was this..."You smell like an ashtray - I have astmah, and i'm allergic to smoke...and in case you missed the memo, i'm sick....so you smelling like an ashtray doesn't help- you need a shower". (he doesn't smoke...but the bar he was at was a smoking one and he was covered in it when he got home....which made me really sick...I had already had 2 astmah attacks by that time....and then he made the whole room smell like it- very considerate huh ...yeah...I was a little mean..but I was sick and he had been out drinking all night...he totally deserved it...I don't tolerate that junk- I don't do that to him and I don't want it done to me. I asked him if this was going to turn into a habit...and he said "has it been"...and then I repeated my question...and he repeated his answer.....finally I said .....if it becomes a habit, you're gonna be comming home to an empty house. - after that he took a shower to get the smoke off of him and appologized for being a jerk. I was soo upset...I was crying the whole time. I don't do that to him and I don't like it done to me....not to mention I was worried sick about him when 4:00am rolled around and he still wasn't home....he never does that. So yeah, I was rightfully upset, and I let him know I didn't appreciate it. I stand up for myself....I'm not putting up with that...I think he got the point after that....he said he wouldn't do it again...which is good....and if he does, he's on his own...I'm not gonna be done that way....so yeah...that was my morning. And i'm still sick..I missed my Psych II class because I couldn't get my astmah under control- stress doesn't help... ....he tried to be nice this morning and made me breakfast and appologized again. which is nice, i told him if it happened again though, I was going back to my house and he'd be on his own- no woman deserves that." -------that's from this thread http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...=102135&page=2
---and on an update, after finding those free strip club passes last night, I was suspecious and I called the bar where he claimed to be at that night to see "what time they closed during the week....the man sayed that they stop serving alcohol at 2:30am and close at 3am....(it's not even 5 minutes down the road from Colin's house.) ....that night that coiln went out "drinking"...he didn't get home until after 4:00 am...well after the bar had closed..it should not have taken him that long....so now i'm wondering if that was where he really was. I don't know right now, i'm just questioning everything and i'm beyond upset.
Oh, and for the final straw- as if things couldn't be any peachier! Here's what happened last night when I was sitting on the couch crying over what I had found in Colin's desk drawer....I'm having the worst possible week
Also, not even an hour after I posted this message....things my night got even more "super" when I was sitting down in the living room on the couch crying over my current problem, the garage door opened. Nobody has the garage door openers- there is one in my car and one in Colins. Also, nobody has the code to the garage door to open it. At first I thought maybe Colin flew home early...but then I was like "wait"...it's almost 4:00 in the morning, no way that's Colin and his truck is in the garage. At that point I started to flip out. I called Colin in tears and then I went on telling him that the garage door was open and that nobody has access to open it except us. The thing that freaked me out is that Colin is a cop and has arrested a lot of ppl- if someone has an agenda against him...the squad car in front of the house is like a big red target.
Once again guys, i appologize for the length of this thing, but I really hope you read it so you can hopefully give me an ounce of advice as to what to do
Nikki, I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this. I have had similar problems with my husband lying about pornography so I can imagine how you must feel. And I don't think that anyone here is going to judge you about your past, so please don't be worried about that! I think that the only thing that will make you feel better is talking to him and hearing his explanation. Try not to be too upset when you're talking to him because I can almost guarantee that he will become defensive, and it could turn into a bad argument. It is always best to talk in person, but if it were me, I might not be able to wait until he gets home from Orlando. If you can wait until then, then you are very strong! I definitely like your idea about only telling him about finding the 3 passes and seeing what he says. If he doesn't admit to the other 10 passes, then I would tell him about finding those. In my opinion, being a snoop is not nearly as bad as lying. I hope that it works out well for you.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #27
Thankyou Jenny...I really appreciate your help. I'm so upset right now it's aweful. I just took a quick shower and my friend is on her way over to take me out for a bit- I called her the minute I accidently found those last night so she knows what's going on thankfully. I am going to wait till tomorrow night to talk to him when he's home....and I will definitely be calm (or at least try - we never do the whole yelling and fighting thing...so hopefully it will be ok..we always just sit down in the floor and talk- it works for us...). I hope he's honest and fesses up and throws all 13 away...but if he only throws away those three...then we're really gonna have a talk about it...
Nikki, first off..........
Now, after reading all of that, you need to calm down........take a deep breath......... As far as your past, beleive me, I nor would I think anyone else here would judge you. Everyone of us has some kind of thing in our past that we're not proud of. I'm so proud of you for realizing it wasnt' right for you and moving on from it.
Ok, for what it's worth, here are my 2 cents!
Men and strip clubs......
.....something I don't understand, but men seem to love them. Jerry was to his share in his younger days, and he tells me about them. It's not something he does anymore, and he knows I would have a fit if he went. One thing I think men have to do is learn to respect thier partners........that to me is something if a single guy wants to waste his money on, go ahead. Porn is another big thing for most guys, but not all. Done in privacy of home and where it doesn't hurt anyone, I don't see a problem with it. Lying is a whole other ball game with me though.
I cant' stand and will not tolerate it. No ifs, ands or buts.
Before your ready to behead Colin, I would tell him what I found and see what he has to say. I know when my brother in law, who's as staight laced as they come, has clients come in from GM, he has to entertain them. Lots of the married ones want to go to strip bars.
They figure they're away from home, their wives won't know. (idiots) SO, Bob takes them and he says they make him very uncomfortable to go into, but he goes.
He comes home and tells my sister all about it, and we have a good laugh.
If Colin lies, tell him about the other 10. It might not be as bad as what you are thinking. He sounds like he's basically a good guy.
I'm sorry you had to go through the garage door thing. My exhusband was a cop, so I know kind of what you went through. One night he was working midnights, and we were talking on the phone. Our then puppy was chewing on the phone cord and cut us off. Next thing I know, 3 cops are in our apartment, checking in closets, behind doors, etc. I kept telling them I was fine, and it was Scruffy, but they wanted to be sure........
I would be mad at him too for going to these strip clubs, but I would definitely give him a chance to tell his side..........I hope it goes better than you think it will Kiddo................
Remember, we're all here for you..........
Now, after reading all of that, you need to calm down........take a deep breath......... As far as your past, beleive me, I nor would I think anyone else here would judge you. Everyone of us has some kind of thing in our past that we're not proud of. I'm so proud of you for realizing it wasnt' right for you and moving on from it.
Ok, for what it's worth, here are my 2 cents!
Men and strip clubs......
Before your ready to behead Colin, I would tell him what I found and see what he has to say. I know when my brother in law, who's as staight laced as they come, has clients come in from GM, he has to entertain them. Lots of the married ones want to go to strip bars.
If Colin lies, tell him about the other 10. It might not be as bad as what you are thinking. He sounds like he's basically a good guy.
I'm sorry you had to go through the garage door thing. My exhusband was a cop, so I know kind of what you went through. One night he was working midnights, and we were talking on the phone. Our then puppy was chewing on the phone cord and cut us off. Next thing I know, 3 cops are in our apartment, checking in closets, behind doors, etc. I kept telling them I was fine, and it was Scruffy, but they wanted to be sure........
I would be mad at him too for going to these strip clubs, but I would definitely give him a chance to tell his side..........I hope it goes better than you think it will Kiddo................
Remember, we're all here for you..........
Nikki, I am in a hurry here so I have to be short, but one thing quickly crossed my mind reading your thread... Colin is a cop, right? Is it possible that he was given the passes by some strippers he pulled over or had to deal with? Maybe they gave them to him to him as sort of a bribe to let them go... If he is assigned to a certain section of town as his territory it would be possible this happened more than once. Maybe he just kept them as souveniers, for lack of a better word, and that's all it is?
Just a thought... I don't know him, but for your sake want to assume the best case scenario...
Just a thought... I don't know him, but for your sake want to assume the best case scenario...
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I've got no advice Nikki. Never had a boyfriend or dated. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully you can get things worked out with Colin. My sister found out after dating a guy for 1 year the he was a jerk....lining up "escorts" when he went to visit his buddies in another town. Those "escorts" were like my age...no wonder he liked to come visit me!
Sometimes, a guy just does stupid things. You never know, so keep an open mind when you talk to Colin. It makes things easier that you & Colin don't scream when you fight, just talk.
Let us know what happens!
Let us know what happens!
Okay, don't panic yet!
The facts:
1) He came home at 4:00 one morning.
2) He has 13 passes to a strip club.
3) He knows how you feel about strip clubs.
Possible explanations:
1) Being a police officer in Memphis is going to be a high-stress job. He probably really needed a night chilling-out with his buddies and lost track of the time. He could have had a close call that night and didn't want to worry you. Has he told you where he was?
2) He left the passes where you could find them because either he's innocent and has nothing to hide, or he wants you to know that he goes to strip clubs. Don't assume it's the latter, though. The fact that he has so many free passes looks to me like he's not using them! Again, like you said, you've got to ask him where he got them and why he still has them. I'm not sure your test will prove anything, though. He can own up to and destroy the 10 and still be deceitful and go to the clubs anyway. Then again, they can be in his desk and he's done nothing wrong.
3) Please don't feel bad about the past. It's really not a shameful thing. You made some extra money when you needed it and you didn't sell your soul, your body, or hurt anyone. No big deal. I personally don't see anything wrong with strip clubs or dancers, if the dancers are there willingly. But, he needs to honor your feelings.
He might be between a rock and a hard place... needing some serious downtime after work and getting lots of pressure from his colleagues/buddies to join them at a strip club, yet knowing you would freak if you found out. If this is going on, you need to have a serious talk about downtime options for him that you are both comfortable with. Do you feel he will cheat if he goes to strip clubs? Or do you not want him looking at other women? If his buddies are really pushing him to join them, would you go along? What is he supposed to do if there's a bachelor party?
I'm sending lots of good vibes to you. I hope he has an honest and innocent explanation. If he doesn't, you've got to remember he's a man and they think WAY differently about sex/bodies than women do. Personally, the last thing I would want to do to unwind is to drink and watch half-naked men. Give me my robe and a movie!
Trust is the main issue here. I know you are strong and can deal with this.
Cheers, from
SwampWitch
The facts:
1) He came home at 4:00 one morning.
2) He has 13 passes to a strip club.
3) He knows how you feel about strip clubs.
Possible explanations:
1) Being a police officer in Memphis is going to be a high-stress job. He probably really needed a night chilling-out with his buddies and lost track of the time. He could have had a close call that night and didn't want to worry you. Has he told you where he was?
2) He left the passes where you could find them because either he's innocent and has nothing to hide, or he wants you to know that he goes to strip clubs. Don't assume it's the latter, though. The fact that he has so many free passes looks to me like he's not using them! Again, like you said, you've got to ask him where he got them and why he still has them. I'm not sure your test will prove anything, though. He can own up to and destroy the 10 and still be deceitful and go to the clubs anyway. Then again, they can be in his desk and he's done nothing wrong.
3) Please don't feel bad about the past. It's really not a shameful thing. You made some extra money when you needed it and you didn't sell your soul, your body, or hurt anyone. No big deal. I personally don't see anything wrong with strip clubs or dancers, if the dancers are there willingly. But, he needs to honor your feelings.
He might be between a rock and a hard place... needing some serious downtime after work and getting lots of pressure from his colleagues/buddies to join them at a strip club, yet knowing you would freak if you found out. If this is going on, you need to have a serious talk about downtime options for him that you are both comfortable with. Do you feel he will cheat if he goes to strip clubs? Or do you not want him looking at other women? If his buddies are really pushing him to join them, would you go along? What is he supposed to do if there's a bachelor party?
I'm sending lots of good vibes to you. I hope he has an honest and innocent explanation. If he doesn't, you've got to remember he's a man and they think WAY differently about sex/bodies than women do. Personally, the last thing I would want to do to unwind is to drink and watch half-naked men. Give me my robe and a movie!
Trust is the main issue here. I know you are strong and can deal with this.
Cheers, from
SwampWitch
Oh honey, no advice. Just this:
Lots of soothing headbuts and loving licks from KittenKiya's Clan.
Lots of soothing headbuts and loving licks from KittenKiya's Clan.
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I'm backing up what SwampWitch had to say.
I have male friends that like to go to strip joints for nothing more than eye candy and male bonding. It does NOT mean that there is anything more to it than that.
Telling a man what he can and cannot do will never, EVER fly in a relationship, unless you want him to go out and do just what he isn't supposed to. The forbidden is much more exciting than the mundane and allowable.
He knows how you feel already, so if he DID go to a strip joint, of COURSE he would hide it from you. Why? Beacause he LOVES you and doesn't want to HURT you!!! Not for any other reason. What he doesn't realize, being a guy - hello! - is that it comes across to you not like he was protecting your feelings, rather, it feels to you like a breach of trust. And I understand that, being a female.
You definitely need to talk about this with him in a calm manner, without accusing or assuming. I think as long as you can communicate clearly and find a method of compromise if need be, that you will be A-OK.
I have male friends that like to go to strip joints for nothing more than eye candy and male bonding. It does NOT mean that there is anything more to it than that.
Telling a man what he can and cannot do will never, EVER fly in a relationship, unless you want him to go out and do just what he isn't supposed to. The forbidden is much more exciting than the mundane and allowable.
He knows how you feel already, so if he DID go to a strip joint, of COURSE he would hide it from you. Why? Beacause he LOVES you and doesn't want to HURT you!!! Not for any other reason. What he doesn't realize, being a guy - hello! - is that it comes across to you not like he was protecting your feelings, rather, it feels to you like a breach of trust. And I understand that, being a female.
You definitely need to talk about this with him in a calm manner, without accusing or assuming. I think as long as you can communicate clearly and find a method of compromise if need be, that you will be A-OK.
I think you need to calm down atm!!
I so know what youre going though! and i am definetely not judging you for being a ex stripper.
I have been to a strip club with my ex bf, they are just silly.
One thing did cross my mind and has already been said maybe he pulled over some strippers and has the passes.
Maybe he has the passes to take a guys night out for one of their birthdays?
Or maybe these passes are for the hens night.. but for guys what it called again?
I dont think he would want to marry you and get a house with you and then just upset you like that!!
He sounds like a really nice guy.
Just let us know how it goes okay?
I so know what youre going though! and i am definetely not judging you for being a ex stripper.
I have been to a strip club with my ex bf, they are just silly.
One thing did cross my mind and has already been said maybe he pulled over some strippers and has the passes.
Maybe he has the passes to take a guys night out for one of their birthdays?
Or maybe these passes are for the hens night.. but for guys what it called again?
I dont think he would want to marry you and get a house with you and then just upset you like that!!
He sounds like a really nice guy.
Just let us know how it goes okay?
Nikki,
First of all,
. And your past doesn't have any bearing on who you are, a good and caring woman.
Take some deep calming breaths.
Identify what is it about this situation is the problem. A loss of trust, how you feel about yourself, the relationship, etc.
When you talk with him, avoid language that will make him defensive such as "You know how I feel about this". Instead concentrate on you: "I feel this way about this, can we talk about it?" Give him time to answer and listen to what he is saying.
After he's done, then ask him to work with you to find a way so that you can feel good about the relationship again. This is why it is a good idea to identify what is troubling you.
Good luck, Nikki
Jana (and Lucy who kept trying to help with the message)
First of all,
Take some deep calming breaths.
Identify what is it about this situation is the problem. A loss of trust, how you feel about yourself, the relationship, etc.
When you talk with him, avoid language that will make him defensive such as "You know how I feel about this". Instead concentrate on you: "I feel this way about this, can we talk about it?" Give him time to answer and listen to what he is saying.
After he's done, then ask him to work with you to find a way so that you can feel good about the relationship again. This is why it is a good idea to identify what is troubling you.
Good luck, Nikki
Jana (and Lucy who kept trying to help with the message)
I'm so glad your friend is taking you out- that definitely helps. You'll be okay.Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR
Thankyou Jenny...I really appreciate your help. I'm so upset right now it's aweful. I just took a quick shower and my friend Renae is on her way over to take me out for a bit- I called her the minute I accidently found those last night so she knows what's going on thankfully. I am going to wait till tomorrow night to talk to him when he's home....and I will definitely be calm (or at least try - we never do the whole yelling and fighting thing...so hopefully it will be ok..we always just sit down in the floor and talk- it works for us...). I hope he's honest and fesses up and throws all 13 away...but if he only throws away those three...then we're really gonna have a talk about it...Thanks again...I really appreciate your help on this one.
Oh Sweety, I'm sorry your so upset by this...
Try not to overreact until you have the whole story..Wait until you talk to Colin before assuming anything.
If he is the guy you love and respect then I'm sure there is a good explanation for this...
I'm not going to give you advice until you talk to him because we don't even know there's a problem yet...I'm sure it will be fine.
Hang in there sweety..
Try not to overreact until you have the whole story..Wait until you talk to Colin before assuming anything.
If he is the guy you love and respect then I'm sure there is a good explanation for this...
I'm not going to give you advice until you talk to him because we don't even know there's a problem yet...I'm sure it will be fine.
Hang in there sweety..
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I'm not really sure what else I can say, everyone has given some wonderful advice. I do definitely agree with Jana, watch how you word what you say to him. Men can get...twitchy and defensive very easily. You don't want him to shut down and not talk to you about this. You seem like a very open and caring person, so I know you'll do the right thing
Just don't let your emotions get the best of you while you two are talking it out. Believe me, and I know from experience, you can say some things you'll never be able to take back.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
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Thankyou soo much for all of your wonderful and non judgemental responses everyone. I really love TCS sometimes!
I have calmed down a lot from earlier. My friend and I went out and had a "girls day" ....just driving around town on our day off and tonight we went got our nails done- now i'm in a pretty good mood and loving my nail color
I just needed a day like that...so it was good. Colin has yet to call me, but i'm sure he's busy since it's his last day with him mom and aunt, so i don't mind too much.
After some much needed destressing I came home a few minutes ago and started to read everyones posts...thankyou for the great suggestions everyone. Here's my game plan for tomorrow night. ( and i'm going to be just as calm and non accusing as I can be. If he doesn't feel threatened, hopefully he will open up and be honest
./ After we get home from the airport, I plan to let him unpack and eat dinner for a bit or whatnot...then I plan to bring him into the office with me and I will sit down in the floor and get him to sit with me...then I plan on saying something to the likes of, "The other night, I was in your desk looking for the tape measure so that I could calculate my BMI...while I was in the drawer, I pulled the tape measure out, and in the process, I accidently knocked over some of your papers. I went to straighten them back up and close the drawer when I noticed "these" - at this point i will open the drawer and show him only the first 3 passes. Then I think I will say this (in a non accusitory way) "I was curious as to why you had them when you're in a committed relationship with me?"....Then I will let him answer....and hopefully he will just throw them all away...if not I well....i'm not sure...what i'll do. Then I think i'll ask him if he minds throwing them and "any others he may have ;" away. I'm hoping this will work and he won't get defensive or turn everything around on me and make me look like the bad guy (he's good at that
)....but when it comes down to it, yes, i'm really worried about this, but Colin is the man that I love and i don't want to give up on him that easily- he just better have a damn good excuse for those.
(Also- to clairfy.....Colin is not an officer for the city in which the clubs are located he is an officer in a small city outside of that area....so there is no way that a stripper is gonna bribe him that way (also, since i'm a former one i'll venture so far as to say that no stripper in her right mind is gonna bribe a cop...that looks really bad-there may be one or two out there...but for the most part, none of them would do that) Also, I'm more mad at the idea that he lied and betrayed my trust more than anything....it's really heart breaking- especially since he knows my past. Also, he's not the partying type eithor....so he doesn't usually hang out with guys a lot (we pretty much are home bodies lol)...so he's not the type to patron a strip club. Also, I have no worries about him cheating- I do trust him on that one and I know he has not cheated on me...my problem is the lying- you cannot have a healthy relationship based on lies...which is exactly why I want the truth. I also want to know why he was soo late comming home from drinking the other night with his "buddies"....I really think he went to the strip club, but i'm not going to accuse him of it...I will let him tell me. / I'm still really sensitive about everything right now, I don't want to even bring it up to him, but I know I have to...for our relationships sake and for my sake- I deserve an answer and not a drawer full of Platinum Plus passes. I will be calm when I talk to him and try to be as non accusitory as possible so hopefully everything will work out well and he will just be honest. If he only throws those 3 away and not all 13 though.....then he's in trouble....
all I have to say now is.....at least my nails look good!
After some much needed destressing I came home a few minutes ago and started to read everyones posts...thankyou for the great suggestions everyone. Here's my game plan for tomorrow night. ( and i'm going to be just as calm and non accusing as I can be. If he doesn't feel threatened, hopefully he will open up and be honest
(Also- to clairfy.....Colin is not an officer for the city in which the clubs are located he is an officer in a small city outside of that area....so there is no way that a stripper is gonna bribe him that way (also, since i'm a former one i'll venture so far as to say that no stripper in her right mind is gonna bribe a cop...that looks really bad-there may be one or two out there...but for the most part, none of them would do that) Also, I'm more mad at the idea that he lied and betrayed my trust more than anything....it's really heart breaking- especially since he knows my past. Also, he's not the partying type eithor....so he doesn't usually hang out with guys a lot (we pretty much are home bodies lol)...so he's not the type to patron a strip club. Also, I have no worries about him cheating- I do trust him on that one and I know he has not cheated on me...my problem is the lying- you cannot have a healthy relationship based on lies...which is exactly why I want the truth. I also want to know why he was soo late comming home from drinking the other night with his "buddies"....I really think he went to the strip club, but i'm not going to accuse him of it...I will let him tell me. / I'm still really sensitive about everything right now, I don't want to even bring it up to him, but I know I have to...for our relationships sake and for my sake- I deserve an answer and not a drawer full of Platinum Plus passes. I will be calm when I talk to him and try to be as non accusitory as possible so hopefully everything will work out well and he will just be honest. If he only throws those 3 away and not all 13 though.....then he's in trouble....
all I have to say now is.....at least my nails look good!
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Nikki, it took me a while to figure out exactly what to say to you.Because as everyone else has said...there may NOT be a problem.
I've been through adultry(with ex) and it is a very touchy subject with me.It took 7 years of me and Shawn being married for me to say that I can HONESTLY trust him.
That is NOT to say that we've had it easy all along.
When Seth was a year old, Shawn was working over the road and was gone from Sunday night to Friday morning.One day I got the mail and noticed a strange letter addressed to me.I didn't know the writing,so a red flag went up.It was a VERY detailed letter saying what Shawn and a woman named Lisa were doing.It said he was taking her on trips with him and that on his lunch break...........when he was at the shop, he and Lisa would go off and "get busy".It said that when he was coming home late and going into work early,it was because they were together.It went into VERY grpahic details and knew ONLY certain things that I,Shawn,the men he worked with and a friend of mine knew.Where he was and what he was doing.
When I got the first letter,Shawn was in Penn. for a few days.He called me that night and asked how I was.I told him I wanted to know who the
Lisa was!!! I told him I would not put up with the cheating stuff and that when he came home,he'd better pack his crap up and get out of my home and my life.I was in a VERY bad part in my life.
Shawn asked me to read him the letter.I did and he said he was on his way home......that he couldn't believe I would EVER believe that he would do that to "us".I didn't want to see him then.I told him to stay there and when he got home we would talk about it.In the process,I called one of our friends that he worked with.I knew I could trust said friend as he had been cheated on my his wife and I helped him deal with it.Mark told me that I should trust my gut and ask myself what I felt in my heart.
I knew and know in my heart that Shawn wouldn't do that to us.He loves me to much for that.But, this letter said things about my weight and got my self esteem even lower.
He talked to me for 2 hours calming me down.Shawn called back and I told him I was o.k. until he got home and we would tak about it.He mentioned my "friend" and that it may have been her that did it.She happened to be our next door neighbor.So, when Shawn was gone,she knew it.We talked all the time and she knew if he ran to the store as she saw him drive past and would call and non-chanatly (sp) ask where he was going.I didn't think anything of it.When she needed anything done at her house,her DH was a truck driver and was gone all the time,Shawn would go over there and fix it.
When he got home,I couldn't look at him.
I wouldn't let him touch me at all for atleast 2 weeks.
We finally sat down and talked it over.We decided to "test" my friend.I would call her and tell her Shawn went to Lowes or Home Depot for supplies.I told her when he would be gone the next week for another trip over the road.The day after he left,I got another letter..........same writting as the first.Same post mark and all.It had the details that I told her about......Shawn going to Lowes and etc.It said he and Lisa were together.
Nikki,I almost ended my marriage over some letter that a vindictive woman sent to me.I considered things that I won't mention as they are in the past.
My WHOLE point of writing this to you is....................
I over reacted, and almost threw the best thing in my life away.I believed someone's writing over my DHs.All because of details that were written in the letters.
You CAN'T jump the gun, and think Colin is out at the strip clubs all because of the free passes.
There cold be a VERY lodgical reason why he has them.
Maybe a friend gave them to him
Maybe as someone said,a stripper gave them to him
Maybe he is going to them and doesn't want to hurt you and hasn't told you about it for that reason
Maybe he is collecting them for a bacholer (sp) party for himself
Maybe to give to a friend that is getting married or having a B-Day soon
ONLY Colin knows why he has them!!
If I were you,I would wait until he comes home and gets settled as you said.Start the conversation with something like......"Colin, while I was getting the tape measure out of your desk,I knocked over a piece of paper that caught my eye.When I looked at it,I saw it was a free pass to a strip club.I noticed that there are 3 of them.I was just wondering where they came from, because I've never saw them in the desk before.And I was curious if they are yours".Ask if there are any more that you didn't come across, and why they are in his desk.
Use calm words and act as though you are indifferent to them being there.If he says they are his and that he has been going to the clubs,I would ask if there is something that he feels is not going good in the relationship right now.
If they are his,and he knows how you feel about them.............only YOU can decide what to do about it.It is your decision on weither to stay with him or end the relationship.But, before you go that far,ask yourself what it is that really bothers you about him going to them. Is it him looking at other women,your fear he may cheat on you, the lying,etc.Then you have to decide if you want to work it out with him.And if you can ever trust him again.Trust is soooooooooooo hard to get back once it's broken!! But, it CAN be done
You KNOW I'm only a PM away or an e-mail away.And if you need to,I'll give you my phone number so you can call.I am sending all the vibes and prayers that I can spare right now your way.You're a VERY dear friend to me.
You have so much support from all of us here.HUGS!!!
I've been through adultry(with ex) and it is a very touchy subject with me.It took 7 years of me and Shawn being married for me to say that I can HONESTLY trust him.
That is NOT to say that we've had it easy all along.
When Seth was a year old, Shawn was working over the road and was gone from Sunday night to Friday morning.One day I got the mail and noticed a strange letter addressed to me.I didn't know the writing,so a red flag went up.It was a VERY detailed letter saying what Shawn and a woman named Lisa were doing.It said he was taking her on trips with him and that on his lunch break...........when he was at the shop, he and Lisa would go off and "get busy".It said that when he was coming home late and going into work early,it was because they were together.It went into VERY grpahic details and knew ONLY certain things that I,Shawn,the men he worked with and a friend of mine knew.Where he was and what he was doing.
When I got the first letter,Shawn was in Penn. for a few days.He called me that night and asked how I was.I told him I wanted to know who the
Shawn asked me to read him the letter.I did and he said he was on his way home......that he couldn't believe I would EVER believe that he would do that to "us".I didn't want to see him then.I told him to stay there and when he got home we would talk about it.In the process,I called one of our friends that he worked with.I knew I could trust said friend as he had been cheated on my his wife and I helped him deal with it.Mark told me that I should trust my gut and ask myself what I felt in my heart.
I knew and know in my heart that Shawn wouldn't do that to us.He loves me to much for that.But, this letter said things about my weight and got my self esteem even lower.
He talked to me for 2 hours calming me down.Shawn called back and I told him I was o.k. until he got home and we would tak about it.He mentioned my "friend" and that it may have been her that did it.She happened to be our next door neighbor.So, when Shawn was gone,she knew it.We talked all the time and she knew if he ran to the store as she saw him drive past and would call and non-chanatly (sp) ask where he was going.I didn't think anything of it.When she needed anything done at her house,her DH was a truck driver and was gone all the time,Shawn would go over there and fix it.
When he got home,I couldn't look at him.
We finally sat down and talked it over.We decided to "test" my friend.I would call her and tell her Shawn went to Lowes or Home Depot for supplies.I told her when he would be gone the next week for another trip over the road.The day after he left,I got another letter..........same writting as the first.Same post mark and all.It had the details that I told her about......Shawn going to Lowes and etc.It said he and Lisa were together.
Nikki,I almost ended my marriage over some letter that a vindictive woman sent to me.I considered things that I won't mention as they are in the past.
My WHOLE point of writing this to you is....................
I over reacted, and almost threw the best thing in my life away.I believed someone's writing over my DHs.All because of details that were written in the letters.
You CAN'T jump the gun, and think Colin is out at the strip clubs all because of the free passes.
Maybe a friend gave them to him
Maybe as someone said,a stripper gave them to him
Maybe he is going to them and doesn't want to hurt you and hasn't told you about it for that reason
Maybe he is collecting them for a bacholer (sp) party for himself
Maybe to give to a friend that is getting married or having a B-Day soon
ONLY Colin knows why he has them!!
If I were you,I would wait until he comes home and gets settled as you said.Start the conversation with something like......"Colin, while I was getting the tape measure out of your desk,I knocked over a piece of paper that caught my eye.When I looked at it,I saw it was a free pass to a strip club.I noticed that there are 3 of them.I was just wondering where they came from, because I've never saw them in the desk before.And I was curious if they are yours".Ask if there are any more that you didn't come across, and why they are in his desk.
Use calm words and act as though you are indifferent to them being there.If he says they are his and that he has been going to the clubs,I would ask if there is something that he feels is not going good in the relationship right now.
If they are his,and he knows how you feel about them.............only YOU can decide what to do about it.It is your decision on weither to stay with him or end the relationship.But, before you go that far,ask yourself what it is that really bothers you about him going to them. Is it him looking at other women,your fear he may cheat on you, the lying,etc.Then you have to decide if you want to work it out with him.And if you can ever trust him again.Trust is soooooooooooo hard to get back once it's broken!! But, it CAN be done
You KNOW I'm only a PM away or an e-mail away.And if you need to,I'll give you my phone number so you can call.I am sending all the vibes and prayers that I can spare right now your way.You're a VERY dear friend to me.
You have so much support from all of us here.HUGS!!!
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