Satchmo, a Guardian Angel

I have been a cat lover all my life.....an only child, my parents never allowed pets, so as soon as I moved out I kept cats.....
My best cat was a cat named Satchmo....
He was with me for 16 years, through many lessons, I had no children so he became my baby---and when I was in a miserable marriage for 15 years, (that's when I got him), my husband used to say that I loved the cat more than him (Of course!).
I was suffering from low self-esteem all my life, and the bad marriage only added to it---it turned out to be like my "final straw".
All through it, Satchmo was there--he was my guardian angel that I could hug and talk to through it all........

I wrote this, not to depress anyone, but to emphasize just how much of a miracle pets are in our life----and that goes way beyond the obvious........

I got back last Sunday from my vacation---I had a wonderful time, refreshed, renewed.
I came back to a phone message from the vet where we boarded the cats that my baby, SATCHMO, 16yrs. old and the light of my life, was worse. He was great when we left the week before.

We had to put him to sleep last Tuesday. I am okay with it---God's will----but my human side will miss him for a very long time.
To pet lovers, I'm sure you realize by now that they rule the house. I do have one cat left, but it doesn't have a great personality, not very affectionate, and I am certain that it does miss my other cat.
Enough on that.
However, I really felt the need to say something to God after all of this, because I had a very big lesson today, while I was listening to a spiritual tape of "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle (I would recommend the tape set very highly)......

My Dearest Father,
I must apologize for acting so badly over the whole Satchmo thing.....I suppose I'm not really apologizing to you, because I know you still love me anyway and forgive us all--but I guess I'm apologizing to myself, my soul, for forgetting who I AM and allowing my human side to rule.
Satchmo has been ill now on medication for about a year, and I prayed to you to let me have him a little while longer--and you did.
Then a couple of months ago he took a turn for the worst, and I prayed for a little more time and peace for Satchmo.
Again you answered me and I am grateful.
Then last Sunday when he took a turn for the very worst, I prayed again--I prayed so hard I thought I could make a miracle happen just because I asked and you promised.
I refused to surrender---I kept believing in that last minute miracle. Until it was obvious that the only way for him to find peace was to let go.....
Today, in listening to one of those tapes, something clicked inside and I saw that I wasn't praying/asking for help---I was demanding that my will be done-not Yours.
You had already given me the miracles I had asked for---you already extended his life so that I could enjoy him for a little more time and show him how much he was appreciated.
By begging/demanding for more time, I was not putting his good first---it was my own selfishness that I was honoring.

I am soooo sorry for degrading my soul that way---and not putting Your will first.

I am now in a process of forgiving myself for my selfishness (I feel sooo badly towards myself for preventing Satchmo from going Home and finding peace)-----
Boy, just when you think you have come so far, you get that lesson that reminds you of who you REALLY are----your child in human form.
It's a daily struggle to fight that humanness (ego)---but I intend to win the battle.
I thank you for the humbling lesson, and I thank you for hearing me---you ALWAYS hear me.

(and another miracle..)
Leon just came home, right now, and I told him what happened and that I needed to write this.
He ended up telling me about the time his first wife died of cancer (20 years ago)--and he did the same thing with her.
He did everything he could to keep her alive and demanded that the doctors prolong her life, when the doctors told him--let her go, you're causing her a lot of pain by hanging on for your own (selfish) sake.

It seems to be a trait of humans to want to hang on when another one wants to go. I'm sure Leon's wife was ready to go long before he was ready to let her.
And as I held Satchmo, there was a time when I felt him go limp and "surrender" to go home----way before I could let him go.

I love you Father, and I miss home.
Thank you for this wonderful life.
May You bring me closer to You and a little closer to home every day.
obvious, as he is still teaching me lessons from beyond....

Satchmo was my rock-----he was always there for me during my bad times, before I realized my spiritual roots, and he was there to give me the lesson I needed about letting go.
After all this, I truly believe HE was sent to me as a guardian angel, because all the time I was in the dark, in the bad marriage, he was the only thing I was really capable of loving---and God knew I had to begin to love somehow. That was his purpose.
I have found my soulmate (human) two years ago, and I guess Satchmos time was up, maybe someone else needs him.

When we decideded Satchmo had to be put to sleep, I wanted to hold him through the process----after all he was my baby, I always held him, and I wanted him to know he was loved through the whole process.
I didn't want him to feel at all like he was just being "put away" because he was no longer useful.
It wasn't hard, I thought it would be ---- the hard part was afterwards, the ride home,
going home and being with all his stuff,
not having him to wake me up in the morning,
not having him to bug me about wanting to be fed, petted, climbing on me when I'm at my computer.
He was the center of our lives, greeting us at the door when we came home---even food shopping, I always made sure I bought something he liked.
Now it is very lonely----
maybe that is what I have to learn to get over-----I now realize that I always thought I was good at being alone----for 10 years after my divorce I did not have a realationship---I learned about myself and my spirituality----
but I now realize I always had Satchmo----he was my rock when I had no one else.
I have found my human soul mate, but even he cannot fill the void of Satchmo.
My soul mate is truly wonderful and my SOUL'S MATE, but Satchmo was my first soul mate in a cute, furry body.

I am sooooo happy I made the decision to cremate his body and keep his ashes. Right now they will bring me comfort, just something to remind me physically that he is still around if I ever need him.
I know he is always with me on the consciousness plane, but my human side is soooo thankful for the ashes, the physical nature that it still represents.

Margaret, I am so sorry you have lost Satchmo. He had a long life, and because of your love for him, I'm sure it was a happy one. I know what you mean when you say you two had a special bond. That happens with certain pets. Somehow or another, you have a special connection that can't be duplicated; it can't be explained.
You are so remorseful about praying for Satchmo to get well and stay with you. I don't believe God would consider that to be sinful. He is love, so He knows what it's like to love that much. In my opinion, Satchmo died when he was supposed to, not because of what you consider selfish prayer. We would all do the same in your position. The vet would have told you if Satchmo was suffering. What you did, in my opinion, was to ask the vet and the Lord to give Satchmo every chance possible for a long, happy life. I hope someone loves me enough to do what you did. God bless you.

Margaret, I wanted to inform you that I moved your post about Satchmo to its own thread. I would have sent you a personal message, but that option is not included on your profile. (You might want to edit that. It allows people to say "Hi", without having your email address.) The threads at the top of the pages, called Stickies, are usually instructions. I wanted everyone to know about Satchmo. When you want to start a new subject, just click on "new thread" at the bottom of the page, instead of "reply." If you want to reply, of course, click reply. Jeanie

I have tears running down my face after reading your post. I am SO sorry about Satchmo!!! I know what you mean about praying to God, and expecting our will, not his, be done. I have on several occassions prayed to God when my kitties were ill, and then got upset when they died, I felt like, "ask and ye shall receive" just didn't apply to me...and I was angry sometimes. But I too have come to realize, even though it is hard, that God has a reason why he answers some prayers, and not others. When my mother had strokes when I was only 21, her mind left, and I prayed hard for the next 10 years for her to be healed...I could not understand why God would heal some people and not my mother, who had been a good christian woman all her life and loved God very much. She died 5 years ago, and at first I was a little bitter that she had never been healed, even though Dad and I had prayed so hard. But God had a reason...I don't know what it was, but he did. And now, my father went to join her 2 years ago this month, and I miss them both so bad, but they are together and happy. Maybe they will look after your Satchmo for you until you get there...some people don't believe that our pets go to heaven, but I do...God is love, and he is our father, and what father would not want to make their child as happy as possible in heaven by having some of their beloved pets there.
I am sorry for your loss, and God understands your frustrations...please don't feel bad for feeling that way. I will say a prayer that you will feel better about this soon, and your heart will start to heal. It will take time, you lost a part of your family, but Satchmo is no longer suffering, and would not want you to feel so bad.

My thoughts are with you!!!!

Oh Margaret....THANK YOU for posting such a story or love and committment for us to share. Satchmo was a dear part of your life and I can certainly understand your desire to have him stay with you longer. Your story brought tears to my eyes, and that in itself can be healing at times. I am thankful that you have joined our fur family here.
For Satchmo....