I've made a huge mistake adopting two kittens

[SadCatPerson]

Hi everyone. I recently brought two new kittens into my home, and I really need a place to unload how I'm feeling because I'm not coping very well at all.

I'm a huge cat lover. I've owned cats all my life. I've fostered cats. I've personally rehomed strays. I've tracked down and captured missing cats and got them safely home. I live in a street of cat lovers, and I cat-sit for multiple neighbours when they're away.

This year I lost my absolute best friend, my sweet black cat, and it absolutely wrecked me. Months later, and I still haven't gone a single day without sobbing.

I felt like no cat could ever measure up to her, but I'd never gone so long without a cat, and I hated it. So I made the decision to start meeting some furry friends.

I didn't want to rush into anything, so I visited several litters, and finally ended up adopting two sisters. I realise now that this was a mistake. I thought I was ready, but I'm really, really not.

I feel sick saying this, but I don't love these kittens. I don't feel anything for them at all, just a detached indifference, which I've never felt for any cat/kitten that I've adopted before.

I've literally been sobbing on and off throughout every day since I brought them home. I've had to take time off my job because I can't stop crying. I'm psychologically and emotionally exhausted.

Don't get me wrong - I'm making sure that these kittens are taken care of. I won't show them how I feel, but I'm terrified they'll sense it anyway because cats are smart like that.

God, I hate saying this, but I'm thinking about rehoming them. I want what's best for them, and I desperately want to love them, but I can't seem to find a single spark of affection for them. I just feel nothing.

But they deserve to be loved, and I don't think I'll ever be able to give them that.

I feel like the worst person in the world, but would it be better for them if I found them a new home?

 

[Hobiflowery]

Hey, You are not a horrible person for feeling this way. You lost an animal you deeply loved and you're still grieving. The detached feelings can be from this, because the new kittens cannot replace your former cat. But I still recommend that you wait and take your time with your pair of kittens. How long do you have them already? It's okay to take things slow, to get them to know slowly, to get to know their little quirks and what makes them unique. You're still processing the loss of your beloved cat and that's okay, you need time to heal, time until you're ready to open your heart to love again. It's okay that you need time until you feel ready and open to love them. Please don't be hard on yourself, it is not your fault. Do you have someone that can help you with the grief, someone to turn and talk to? Someone who can hold you and help you process your feelings? Losing a pet can be like losing a person, they are like family or best friends after all. You need a support system around you right now to help you get through this. I would wait until you have clear head for this whole situation before considering rehoming and if you end up doing it, it doesn't make you a bad person either. Take your time, you can get through this. Sending you a lot of love

 

[Antonio65]

Been there, done that.
Though you said you didn't rush things, actually you did. And you did out of the subconscious wish/need to have a cat to fill your void. It's absolutely normal, I think.

When I lost my cats, and my home was so void and cold, I didn't want any more cats with me, I felt like I needed some time to elaborate my grief. I did foster a couple of cats, but didn't want to get attached to them, and when the time came, I rehomed them.

Then it happened that I rescued a very young kitten after a storm. She was al lcold and wet, and after a few days at the vet to have her checked, I brought her home. I thought it was time for me to open my heart again, but it wasn't meant to be.
I felt right from the start that I didn't have any feeling for her. She would love on me, she would sit on my lap, she wanted to be with me all the time, but I just couldn't feel anything for her. I started regretting my decision, and even started delaying my return to home after work so that I wouldn't spend some time with her.
It was terrible, I felt horrible, I thought I was a monster.
Eventually I rehomed her through the vet, and as far as I know she's fine and happy.

I kept fostering for a couple of years, until one day I rescued a litter of kittens and felt I was ready, I kept one of the kittens, and she's still here with me. We love each other to bits!

Give yourself some time, and if you feel you can't give those kittens the love they deserve, then find them a new home.

 

[SadCatPerson]

Hey, You are not a horrible person for feeling this way. You lost an animal you deeply loved and you're still grieving. The detached feelings can be from this, because the new kittens cannot replace your former cat. But I still recommend that you wait and take your time with your pair of kittens. How long do you have them already? It's okay to take things slow, to get them to know slowly, to get to know their little quirks and what makes them unique. You're still processing the loss of your beloved cat and that's okay, you need time to heal, time until you're ready to open your heart to love again. It's okay that you need time until you feel ready and open to love them. Please don't be hard on yourself, it is not your fault. Do you have someone that can help you with the grief, someone to turn and talk to? Someone who can hold you and help you process your feelings? Losing a pet can be like losing a person, they are like family or best friends after all. You need a support system around you right now to help you get through this. I would wait until you have clear head for this whole situation before considering rehoming and if you end up doing it, it doesn't make you a bad person either. Take your time, you can get through this. Sending you a lot of love

My mum is my best human friend and she's been my absolute rock, but yesterday she told me that she was really worried about me because I've been completely miserable since getting these kittens. She and my sister both think that it would be better if I rehomed them somewhere they can truly be loved. If I do that, isn't it better to do it now, while they're still young enough that it won't have an impact on them? They've only been with me a week so they haven't even learned their names yet, and it wouldn't take them long to adjust to a new home. I'm scared that if I wait longer and still end up having to rehome them, then I'll traumatise them. I just want what's best for them.

 

[Antonio65]

If I do that, isn't it better to do it now, while they're still young enough that it won't have an impact on them? They've only been with me a week so they haven't even learned their names yet, and it wouldn't take them long to adjust to a new home. I'm scared that if I wait longer and still end up having to rehome them, then I'll traumatise them. I just want what's best for them.

I agree with what you said above!

 

[SadCatPerson]

Been there, done that.
Though you said you didn't rush things, actually you did. And you did out of the subconscious wish/need to have a cat to fill your void. It's absolutely normal, I think.

When I lost my cats, and my home was so void and cold, I didn't want any more cats with me, I felt like I needed some time to elaborate my grief. I did foster a couple of cats, but didn't want to get attached to them, and when the time came, I rehomed them.

Then it happened that I rescued a very young kitten after a storm. She was al lcold and wet, and after a few days at the vet to have her checked, I brought her home. I thought it was time for me to open my heart again, but it wasn't meant to be.
I felt right from the start that I didn't have any feeling for her. She would love on me, she would sit on my lap, she wanted to be with me all the time, but I just couldn't feel anything for her. I started regretting my decision, and even started delaying my return to home after work so that I wouldn't spend some time with her.
It was terrible, I felt horrible, I thought I was a monster.
Eventually I rehomed her through the vet, and as far as I know she's fine and happy.

I kept fostering for a couple of years, until one day I rescued a litter of kittens and felt I was ready, I kept one of the kittens, and she's still here with me. We love each other to bits!

Give yourself some time, and if you feel you can't give those kittens the love they deserve, then find them a new home.

I really thought I hadn't rushed into this, but in hindsight, I can see that I did. I'm not enjoying being with them at all, in any way. I needed way more time to process the loss of my sweet old girl, and though I thought the kittens would help me heal, they've made everything worse.

How did you know you were ready? I hate the thought of rehoming them, but I have to do what's best for them, but at the same time I'm scared that if I do, I'll never trust myself to get a cat again

 

[SadCatPerson]

I agree with what you said above!

I just want them to be loved, and I hate myself for not being able to give them that

 

[Hobiflowery]

My mum is my best human friend and she's been my absolute rock, but yesterday she told me that she was really worried about me because I've been completely miserable since getting these kittens. She and my sister both think that it would be better if I rehomed them somewhere they can truly be loved. If I do that, isn't it better to do it now, while they're still young enough that it won't have an impact on them? They've only been with me a week so they haven't even learned their names yet, and it wouldn't take them long to adjust to a new home. I'm scared that if I wait longer and still end up having to rehome them, then I'll traumatise them. I just want what's best for them.

Then I too think it's the best to listen to your mother and sister, after all they know you the best. Just know it's not your fault that you are feeling this way and that rehoming them is absolutely fine. I wish you the best on your healing journey

 

[Antonio65]

How did you know you were ready? I hate the thought of rehoming them, but I have to do what's best for them, but at the same time I'm scared that if I do, I'll never trust myself to get a cat again

I didn't, actually, until then.
For a series of events, after rescueing this litter of kiitens, one of them had to spend a night at home with us. It should have been for one night only, this was clear from the start, and as a matter of fact, the next day I was ready to take her back to the shelter along with her siblings, but a look from her eyes and we decided to give her a chance, a weekend with us. She stayed, and it is 3.5 years now that we have her.

The difference between this cat and the other one that I told you about (actually, there was another one that I had to rehome for the same reason, but she stayed with me ten days only, not three months like the first one), was that this latter cat came home with by by accident, not intentionally.
I think that when you try to force your fate, it won't work. Let things flow, the right moment, the right cat, will come on its own.

 

[di and bob]

Love is not an instant happening, it develops over time. Those two can be a great distraction for your heart if you let them, don't even try to 'feel' anything for them, that will come later, maybe much later. I even resented the cats that were with me when my soulmate died, but that definitely changed over time. Now I am so thankful I have them in my life. if you rehome them you will end up feeling guilty and heartsick over that. step back, take a deep breath, and just get through the day. Your sweet black little one would be honored to know that what they taught you about love would be passed on. Go forward and live your life as you would have wanted your loved one to go on if you were the first to go, not in despair and tears, but seeking life's beauty. Grief is something you never get over but get through. Those two babies you have now understand, and they will love you anyway. Do not dwell on your grief it brings nothing but heartache. Never think of those two as a replacement, as filling the emptiness inside of you, that can never be, but they can be there simply as a friend to be beside you, something to help you get into a routine, something as a distraction from your grief just for a little while. You need so very much to be needed right now. you just don't realize how much you need someone to just be there, to need you. To fill your days and give your poor heart a break from the misery. Believe it or not, new human parents go through a lot of what you are going through too. It is so overwhelming at first. You have to bond and get to know them first. Affection and love comes later.......

 

[dahlia]

If you make the decision that they need to go elsewhere, please check your adoption agreement. A lot of shelters include a requirement that the cats be returned to them if there is an issue for whatever reason.

 

[kashmir64]

If you make the decision that they need to go elsewhere, please check your adoption agreement. A lot of shelters include a requirement that the cats be returned to them if there is an issue for whatever reason.

I was just going to mention this.

Don't beat yourself up. Grief is a difficult thing to go through. Maybe one day you will find the kitten or even older cat that you truly fall in love with. Until that day, just keep doing what you're doing. You have plenty of love to give....just not yet.

 

[Jem]

I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But whatever you decide, will be the best decision for YOU and the kitties. Would you learn to love them with time? Probably. Is it best to rehome them now while they are still little and not set in a routine yet? Yes. Could having them in your life help you deal with your loss? Yes. All things mentioned above are true no matter what you decide, however...no matter your decision...you're not a bad person.
It takes time to grieve a loss and not only that, but also accepting the self inflicted guilt and all the what ifs that tend to keep us stuck and unable to completely get thru the grief.

This is my take on adopting a new pet after a loss...

You are not replacing your kitty...that will never happen. When my kitties passed, and we got new ones. We were not trying to replace them. We also tried our best to not compare the new ones to our other ones. Each kitty, even if they have some similar quirks are their own little personalities.

What we do know, is that we are fantastic cat caregivers/parents and as such, we saw it as a way to continue to provide an excellent home to a poor cat in need. We weren't trying to fill a void or replace our cats, we were ensuring that at least one more cat gets a chance at a better life.

You are also not going to fill the void with another cat. Sure it can create a distraction and help create new routines and relationships...which is all great and can help the grieving process...but that little carved out spot in your heart belongs to your kitty. What will happen is what feels like a void now, will simply be replaced with the happy feelings and your very best memories of your kitty, which takes time...you can't force it. When adopting a kitty, you will create a NEW space in your heart for another companion. You obviously have AMPLE space in your heart for all the cats that have come and gone from your life and will come and go in the future...You just need to give yourself permission to do all the ugly cries you need...but most importantly...forgive yourself. Let go of the guilt and fears that comes in so many different ways. What could I have done different, should I have payed better attention, is it right to "replace" him, can I love another, am I doing the right thing? All those questions and more filled my head when I lost my boys...but knowing that I was giving a great home to another and knowing that replacing any of them was just not what happens is what helped me when adopting new ones...even though I wasn't sure I was ready. But I'm glad we ended up with the kitties we have now...I love them just as much as my others.

Hopefully my perspective helps you in some way...

I'm also so very sorry for your loss...

 

[nurseangel]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your username says a lot. I am the opposite kind of person, the one that wants to rush out and get a new kitten or cat a few days after one of mine Crosses the Bridge. My friend, on the other hand, waited two years until he was ready. You never know how to react, or when it's exactly the right time. Though I knew I would never have that cat, that special cat, again, I always found someone in need.

Sometimes I almost (or maybe did) feel guilty about loving my new cat or kitten. But it's not a betrayal. You have unlimited love in your heart. Still, I felt guilty if I found myself smiling or laughing. It didn't matter if a friend told me something funny or my feline was up to cute antics. Ultimately, I just wanted someone who could purr to love. Someone who needed me. In a way, I believed I was using my new cat for my own selfish purposes. Even though they needed a home. (I say they, because I have been through this a number of times.)

I won't attempt to try to tell you what to do. I believe that you will make the right decision, whatever you chose to do. My concern is that giving away the kittens could be difficult for you, emotionally. We had two feral cats who brought their kittens to our house. We couldn't keep ten, though it broke my heart that we couldn't take them all. They all played together, though they had paired up into friends. I think about them every day, though they went to a no kill shelter. We kept four, but I worry about the others being split up from their besties. For some odd reason, they were friends by color. I saw them on Petfinder.com.

Whatever you decide, we are here for you. Bless you and please keep us updated.

 

[Furballsmom]

S SadCatPerson if you get this and/or decide to come back, we're still here for you

 

[SadCatPerson]

Hey, You are not a horrible person for feeling this way. You lost an animal you deeply loved and you're still grieving. The detached feelings can be from this, because the new kittens cannot replace your former cat. But I still recommend that you wait and take your time with your pair of kittens. How long do you have them already? It's okay to take things slow, to get them to know slowly, to get to know their little quirks and what makes them unique. You're still processing the loss of your beloved cat and that's okay, you need time to heal, time until you're ready to open your heart to love again. It's okay that you need time until you feel ready and open to love them. Please don't be hard on yourself, it is not your fault. Do you have someone that can help you with the grief, someone to turn and talk to? Someone who can hold you and help you process your feelings? Losing a pet can be like losing a person, they are like family or best friends after all. You need a support system around you right now to help you get through this. I would wait until you have clear head for this whole situation before considering rehoming and if you end up doing it, it doesn't make you a bad person either. Take your time, you can get through this. Sending you a lot of love

Thank you so much. I made the difficult decision to rehome them, but I found them a lovely new home and made sure they went together. I feel really sad about it, and I know I'll never forget them, but I also feel like I made the right decision, both for me and for them. I hope that I won't be without a cat forever, but I realise now that it's going to be a long time before I'm ready xx

 

[SadCatPerson]

Been there, done that.
Though you said you didn't rush things, actually you did. And you did out of the subconscious wish/need to have a cat to fill your void. It's absolutely normal, I think.

When I lost my cats, and my home was so void and cold, I didn't want any more cats with me, I felt like I needed some time to elaborate my grief. I did foster a couple of cats, but didn't want to get attached to them, and when the time came, I rehomed them.

Then it happened that I rescued a very young kitten after a storm. She was al lcold and wet, and after a few days at the vet to have her checked, I brought her home. I thought it was time for me to open my heart again, but it wasn't meant to be.
I felt right from the start that I didn't have any feeling for her. She would love on me, she would sit on my lap, she wanted to be with me all the time, but I just couldn't feel anything for her. I started regretting my decision, and even started delaying my return to home after work so that I wouldn't spend some time with her.
It was terrible, I felt horrible, I thought I was a monster.
Eventually I rehomed her through the vet, and as far as I know she's fine and happy.

I kept fostering for a couple of years, until one day I rescued a litter of kittens and felt I was ready, I kept one of the kittens, and she's still here with me. We love each other to bits!

Give yourself some time, and if you feel you can't give those kittens the love they deserve, then find them a new home.

You're right, I can see now that I rushed into it. People kept asking me when I was getting another cat, so maybe that subconsciously pressured me, but I won't make that mistake again. I found the kittens a lovely new home, and now I'm focusing on dealing with my grief. One day I hope I will find a cat that I can love, but it's definitely not now xx

 

[SadCatPerson]

I agree with what you said above!

Thank you. I have ended up rehoming them, and even though I'm really sad about it, I know I've made the right decision for us all xx

 

[SadCatPerson]

I agree with what you said above!

Thank you. I have ended up rehoming them, and even though I'm really sad about it, I know I've made the right decision for us all xx

 

[SadCatPerson]

Love is not an instant happening, it develops over time. Those two can be a great distraction for your heart if you let them, don't even try to 'feel' anything for them, that will come later, maybe much later. I even resented the cats that were with me when my soulmate died, but that definitely changed over time. Now I am so thankful I have them in my life. if you rehome them you will end up feeling guilty and heartsick over that. step back, take a deep breath, and just get through the day. Your sweet black little one would be honored to know that what they taught you about love would be passed on. Go forward and live your life as you would have wanted your loved one to go on if you were the first to go, not in despair and tears, but seeking life's beauty. Grief is something you never get over but get through. Those two babies you have now understand, and they will love you anyway. Do not dwell on your grief it brings nothing but heartache. Never think of those two as a replacement, as filling the emptiness inside of you, that can never be, but they can be there simply as a friend to be beside you, something to help you get into a routine, something as a distraction from your grief just for a little while. You need so very much to be needed right now. you just don't realize how much you need someone to just be there, to need you. To fill your days and give your poor heart a break from the misery. Believe it or not, new human parents go through a lot of what you are going through too. It is so overwhelming at first. You have to bond and get to know them first. Affection and love comes later.......

Thank you so much for your kind words. Unfortunately I have made the difficult decision to rehome the kittens, but I found them a lovely home and I made sure they went together. I am sad about it but I also feel like I made the right decision. I can't love another cat