Boyfriend and cat don't get along, help!

[wahls]

About two years ago I adopted a smallish female cat (Sydney) from a local rescue that had been abused when she was little which made her a bit of a scaredy cat. Things seemed to be okay at first, occasionally my large male cat will chase her around at night and I can hear her hissing from the top of the fridge where she goes to get away, but nothing too serious has ever happened. She is afraid of people that she doesn't know, but she quickly warmed up to me and loves to get pet.

Recently my boyfriend has been spending more and more time at my place, and unfortunately he and the cat don't get along too well. She seems at times to be completely terrified of him. He has never had cats, always a dog person, so he doesn't really know how to deal with them. He thinks that you can teach a cat to do things just like you might be able to teach a dog. If you punish the cat for doing something bad, it will learn not to do it (I don't think this is even how you should teach a dog, but that doesn't matter). I told him that you can't do that with a cat. You can't force her to do things that she doesn't want to do and you can't be mad at her when she hisses at you because she is scared. He wants to try and lock her in her cat carrier every time she does something he doesn't like and I tell him that it won't work, she will just be more scared, but he seems to think that he knows better than I do. I told him that he needs to show her that when he is here, good things happen. He should ignore her and let her come up to him and give her treats and play with her all of the time. He will usually do this for a while and things will get better. She will start to come out more and be playful, but then something happens (usually when I'm not in the room) where he says that he tried to pet her and she hissed at him. She is usually sleeping when this happens so I think that he just startles her, but for whatever reason he thinks that she is just being mean. I keep trying to explain that she is just scared and that he has to try and bribe her into liking him. He also keeps trying to take away her hiding spots in order to force her to be in the room with us. I told him that by doing that, she will be more upset. If she has a place to hide, she will be more likely to come out and investigate because she knows she can get away. It doesn't help that my other cat is more like a dog. You can pick him up and wrestle with him and do almost anything to him and he could care less. My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that all cats aren't like that.

Things have gotten pretty stressful, almost to the point of getting rid of either the cat or the boyfriend, but after our last argument he seems to have come around to actually trying to get along with her. There are still times when she will cower a bit when he comes around, but there are also still times when he tries to pet her and she purrs and loves it, so I don't think it is a completely lost cause. He has given her back her major hiding place and she seems to be much more relaxed now that the door to the bathroom is simply open. Unfortunately I think the fact that my other cat chases her around sometimes doesn't help things, but one thing at a time I think.

I've got two Feliway diffusers for my living and dinning rooms (the rooms where the cats spend most of their time, I live in a small apartment). I was wondering if there was anything else that I might be able to give her that might make her more relaxed and less likely to hiss at him (I've heard things about flower essences?). He doesn't get upset with her until she hisses or swats at him (although, I've only ever seen hissing and moving away, never any scratches). Also, maybe you could suggest some articles or books that explain the best way to deal with skittish cats that I can have him read so he can see that I'm not the only person who says that punishment doesn't work. It is a very fine line I have to tread because he thinks that it is just my irrational view of my cats and her abuse that makes me feel like she is just scared and not see the "truth," as he calls it, that she is just mean.

Thanks for your help!

[Skimble]

Hi and welcome. There are many here that can offer suggestions that might help. Have you looked through the sticky above? Lots of good info there. Here is one that might be of interest.. http://www.thecatsite.com/Behavior/4...-Dont-Mix.html

She NEEDS hiding spots to feel safe.

If he continues to force himself on her and cause her stress, which it certainly will, she may start to have litter box issues. Let's hope the boyfriend understands how to treat her before that happens.

The boyfriend may make her fear of humans worse, too. I hope he understands soon for all involved.

Cats will respond to positive reinforcement or redirection, not punishment. That method will only teach her to fear the punisher. That includes every time he forces himself into HER SPACE, therefore the hissing.

Example of ignoring a cat will make them interested in you: my father recently visited friends that have a cat and he is NOT a cat person. My father totally ignored the cat and the cat hopped in his lap and went to sleep. So funny, my father never even touched the cat while it was in his lap. He sat stiff waiting for the cat to leave.

I wish you the best for your fur kids as well as to have a boyfriend that cares for your animals the same way you do.

[killerapple]

Hey there,

I have limited experience, but I did want to reply to your post as I found it very touching.

My husband is a dog person as well, and I did have to explain to him that you can't punish cats like you would a dog if they do something bad. Thankfully he never did anything mean to our cat and he didn't question me when I explained this to him. He respected my view and hasn't done anything mean to our cat. He just had to learn the differences and thankfully, that was a non-issue once he was educated about kitties.

Reading your post, I feel you are 100% in the right and you know what you are doing with Sydney. By the way, it is so wonderful you took in that sweet girl and gave her happy life after what she went through. To me, the kitty is not mean - she is being misunderstood and harrassed by the boyfriend.

Hopefully your boyfriend can understand that he is actually in the wrong. A hissing kitty isn't a mean kitty - it's a scared one. He should just leave her be and let you be in charge of your apartment and its set-up for her... you're the cat mom and it's your place. I don't want to get too personal, but if he's being a bit scary controlling and I-am-right,you-are-wrong about the cat you've had before the relationship, it makes me worry if he is like this in other ways or will be further down the road.

Hopefully he'll read and be educated, understand what he needs to do and not do, apologize, respect Sydney, and everyone can live in peace.

He may also need to understand that they may just be neutral to eachother - ignoring each other and getting on with life. They don't have to be best friends.

I hope things get sorted out so everyone is at peace with one another. And thank you again for adopting the little sweetheart.

[AmberThe Bobcat]

Originally Posted by wahls

Things have gotten pretty stressful, almost to the point of getting rid of either the cat or the boyfriend, but after our last argument he seems to have come around to actually trying to get along with her.

What ever you do, do not get rid of the cat for your boyfriend (I am a guy by the way, so this is from a mans poit of view) The cat was there first and should never be given up for another human. If I wasn't married and had a girlfriend who didn't like my cats. She would be told that she either had to accept them and learn to live with them or hit the road. My cats come first

[CheshireCat]

Sorry for being so blunt but my opinion.

Dump the boyfriend. He does not sound like a very nice person. People who are mean to animals are not nice people.

If my cat reacted like that the man would not be welcome in my house or my life.

[mrblanche]

OK, explain this to him in simple terms.

Cats are the only "domesticated" animal that is not a herd or flock animal. They are normally fairly solitary. They don't need our approval, and our disapproval means nothing to them.

But when cats "adopted" the human race, back in Egypt, they were one of the keys to making it possible for modern civilization to develop, by protecting our graineries.

Cats are very different from dogs. They are not dogs with claws. They are a completely different species. When he finds a dog that will voluntarily use a litter box with no training, then he might have found a dog as good as a cat.

But, speaking as a guy, I have to say if you can't train him, dump him. You made a life-long commitment to your little cat, promising to be there to protect her from just such people. If he can't adjust to the cat, he's going to make your life miserable, eventually. Why? Because he's going to expect puppy-dog loyalty and obedience from you, too.

[stephanietx]

Cats are generally very good judges of characters. Watch your cat and follow her lead. If she's wary of the boyfriend, you should be wary of him, too.

[threecatowner]

Please pay attention to the advice given. I've had a similar circumstance, and it is sad and stressful and unfair.

[zephyer78]

How long have you and your boyfriend been together?

Some have allready said it, and I'm afraid I am going to repeat it, but..IMHO, some..(some not all! ) men who are a bit controlling, don't like cats, because you can't control them like you do with dogs, and they don't fall all over themselves trying to make you happy/get your attention, like dogs.

Just some food for thought..not trying to say your boufriend is controling or anything, but I have had this experiance too...boyfriend went!

[otto]

I'm afraid I agree with the others that this man does not seem willing to accept your cat as she is. Some cats are hissy and don't like people, some aren't.

That should be the end of it. There is no reason for him to feel the need to CONTROL her and MAKE her be what he thinks she should be. That is wrong, and makes me think this man has control issues. Scary.

If he can't learn to let her be, then I'd show him the door. Plenty of men out there who love and accept animals as individuals.

I don't like the sound of her suddenly hissing, when you are not in the room. How convenient that it happens when you aren't there to see, eh? My first thought would be that he is teasing or hurting her in some way, because he very clearly does not like her, and probably never will.

this is a red flag. A man who will hurt or tease a timid animal is bad news. He plays rough with your other cat? I would find that unacceptable too, even if the cat doesn't object.

This guy has abuser written all over him.

[otto]

I forgot to mention, that you already are doing everything right, and advising him correctly on how to earn this cat's trust. I didn't have any more to add to what you've already tried, you are correct that she needs her spots and he is wrong to take them from her, you are correct that punishment does not work on cats, you are correct that he should let her be and come to him when she is ready, on HER terms.

Since you have already tried all of this, is why I (and others) have advised you to rethink the appropriateness of this relationship. No one has the right to abuse your cats.

[jimanuel12]

my ex sister-in-law had a cat, she got rid of it because her boyfriend and the cat did not get along, now the boyfriend is gone also and she gave the cat away and the people kept it. they love the cat and gave it a good home.
moral of the story ---cats love you unconditionaly --- boyfriends, girlfriends, that is another story.

keep the cat, you will be better off in the long run.