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Written by Stacy Mantle
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine
Dear Cats: In an effort to better manage the peaceful nature of our residence, I have prepared a list of counterproductive behaviors
that I have observed you participating in. Please take a moment to review and memorize the following items of concern. (Please note that the
dogs list of counterproductive behavior will be posted soon). Thank you for your help on this matter. With love, "The Human".
Hiding: If I am attempting to give you your annual vaccinations, it is counterproductive to hide from me. Eventually, you will have to
eat. And even if you can go without food, you must sleep. Sooner or later, you will receive your vaccines. Resistance is futile. When you hide, my
life becomes more difficult, which ultimately makes your life more difficult. Hiding is counterproductive.
Hiding Toys: Forgetting where you hid your toy mouse is counterproductive. Doing this will not result in my purchasing more toy mice,
it will only result in a lost mouse, as well as a very good chance that another cat may locate it. If you plan to hide something, it is best to record the
location where you put it.
Sulking: Sulking is counterproductive behavior.
Attention-Getting Behavior: Attention stealing behavior is unproductive. This includes any and all of the following:
- Climbing onto my open book as I read.
- Lying down on the cards when we play card games(especially if your dad’s friends are over playing poker – it is
emasculating to your father when it becomes evident to his friends that his life is controlled by cats).
- Walking back and forth on the canopy of the bed as we try to sleep.
- Climbing onto the paper that I am trying to fold into a paper frog.
- Walking across the keyboard of the computer as I attempt to write the great American novel. (Remember that it is in your
best interest to let me work if you want to continue to eat).
- Running through the house, chasing one another as you alternately slam into the hall door because tile is difficult to stop
on. (If you lower your speed, you will be able to stop).
- Sleeping in the sink or shower. (Chances are excellent that you will get wet).
- Weaving between my feet as we walk down the hall. (Chances are good that you will be stepped on).
- Teasing the Coyote: Do no grab the coyotes tail as he walks under the table. Do not "rub" against the coyote as he is
sleeping. The coyote does not want to be your friend. He doesn’t even particularly like you, and the only reason he doesn’t automatically consume
you is because doing so is on his own list of counterproductive behaviors.
Eating: Eating the dog’s food is counterproductive behavior. The dog is a coyote, and does not appreciate cats in the first place, let
alone one that eats its food. Eating the coyote’s dog food may result in the loss of a head, contributing to a "no need to eat" syndrome. Generally
in the wild, coyotes will eat cats – please remember this when you attempt to eat the dog food that he doesn't particularly enjoy anyway..
Communication: Unacceptable Means of Communication include a number of various things, but the following are very important to
not to do when you feel "sad" or "angry".
- Biting: Do not bite the hand that grooms you – this is especially important for the long haired species.
- Hissing: Do not hiss at me – it scares me when you do that, because you look like a vampire.
- Growling: Growling is for dogs.
- Attacking: Why would you attack me for no reason other than you are having a bad day?
- Scratching: Claws can be removed. Although I’m a strong advocate against declawing, I would still consider it under
extreme conditions…
- Spitting: Spitting is for camels, try to remember that you were once considered sacred in the deserts of Egypt.
- Spraying: Again, I refer you to your history in Egypt. This is unbecoming behavior for a number of reasons, try to maintain
a little self-control.
Thank you for your cooperation. Please read and memorize this list of counterproductive behaviors and bear in mind that they are placed
on this litter box for your own safety.
Stacy Mantle is a freelance writer who currently resides in the southwestern deserts of Arizona with a number of cats, a
coyote/wolf hybrid, and a very understanding husband. Her writing has appeared in publications such as The Arabian Horse Times, Today's AZ
Woman, and Pets Illustrated. Many of her stories and articles have been translated into several languages, and now reach an international
audience. Quickly becoming known as "...the Erma Bombeck of animals", her writing has skyrocketed to new heights as she records the stories
of those she loves, inspiring the reader to learn why we have all come to love the animals we share our lives with. She is the author of
Conquering the Food Chain: Living Amongst Animals (Without Becoming One), which is available in Barnes & Noble
bookstores nationwide, as well as online at www.bn.com or Amazon.com
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